He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

If he wanted to stay for the kids and they are his priority, why is he spending £20k of their inheritance/uni support money on a piece of jewellery for his side piece?

I couldn't get over that - but it's a LOT of money to us. We only have twice that in savings.

And obvs now he's dumped her (if he has) she's going to sell that and have £20k of your family money at her disposal. I think it would be separation at this point for me. And presuming he's the higher earner, I'd rinse him for everything I could to make my life a little easier post split.

Exactly. People on here always seem to have a hard time understanding that some people put all daily spending on a credit card eg AMEX because of the benefits and points. It doesn’t mean they can’t afford it, and will often be paid in full every month. I don’t know why people can’t understand this very simple fact and cling onto it because they’re completely missing the point.

I did t realise there was no proof it was a necklace.

Posters are right, it could be a ring.

He would be highly motivated not to tell you that

£20k!? That's not much less than my husband's entire years salary! How can you not even notice that missing? How do you even have that money in an account

Have you talked about him putting 20k cash back into the family pot?

He definitely wasn’t thinking about your girls. Also the piece of jewellery would have been a family heirloom if it was for you.

will he do a shared bank account now where his salary goes in? Just to have no secrets going forward.

This thread is such a depressing read.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this heartache OP, it's life-changing.

The world would be a better place without to many cheating men and women.
Also I agree with a PP that the OW may well have a cupboard full of trinkets from these gullible men. We've all encountered these types of people sadly.

I would be starting some detailed forensic accounting OP. He's cheating on you physically, morally, mentally and financially.

If there's one other woman, there's probably been others. Without a doubt.

Because some people have money. Obviously.

If he wanted to stay for the kids and they are his priority

Also anyone whose kids are their priority is not cheating on their mother or father.

If your spouse finds out, you're risking their mental health.

You're embittering your relationship with them for life.

Your kids could find out one day.

(Or even at the time, infidelity is often discovered by kids using devices).

The "he's a cheater/shit/bad husband but a good Dad" is a myth.

If he can afford £20k jewellery - he can afford a generous divorce settlement and you can argue very easily that you and the kids should get the house - it is the upending of their lives that follows from moving homes/schools which unsettles kids more than the parents separating in the end. Kids rebound very quickly from a divorce, especially if you arrange counselling/pastoral support via school. The damage of growing up with unhappy parents, with a mother second guessing herself, is far more difficult to manage and often leads to those children having relationship problems and self esteem issues as adults - with a lot more to unpick in therapy.

One day they will find out about the affair - it always comes out (especially if he relapses and goes back to her, or there is another affair down the line as is often the case). And the message it sends that you stayed after his atrocious cheating will have seismic impacts. I know the idea of ending things and starting anew is daunting, but I’d really counsel you to seek the advice of a lawyer and see a counsellor to talk through your feelings and options, ie being decisive now. At the moment DH has everything his own way.

At the very least, you should ask him to leave so you can have a few months to process this without him bearing down on or manipulating you. You can tell the kids that mum and dad need some space or that he has to go away for work etc.

Yes exactly, you have to think of your kids.

Which is best for them: living with two parents who have a huge gaping wound of a relationship. You with your heart broken, not knowing what to believe, your husband constantly minimising, just saying the bare minimum to stay out of trouble.

Or alternately living with two happy, fulfilled parents?

You have to think of what message you are sending to your children and what sort of relationship you are modelling

Yup. OP, I’m sorry but I think you need to see a solicitor, get a good settlement, and get on with your life. Your husband loves this other woman. If you don’t divorce, he will see her on the side. If you do, he will go back to her.

Here is a salutary tale: A good friend of mine was married for 25 years…she moved countries to be with her husband, gave up her native citizenship, supported him with his career (they did the same thing, so she helped edit/type his manuscripts), and she adjunct taught whilst he was the big professor in the department. Kept his house, and he said he didn’t want children, so she reluctantly agreed. Well in his 50s, he had an affair…she thought he was going on research trips, and he was seeing his mistress who was a graduate student or postdoc…at least 15 years younger than him. He got her pregnant. My friend divorced. The other woman and her ex married, and went onto have another child. My friend did get a house (a smaller one), and maintenance until her state pension. But my god, he devastated her…she is still single, and does not trust any man really….she put her career on hold, her fertility on hold, and ended up with nothing really…at least she got some financial security out of it.

My experience is once men make up their minds, that’s it.

Exactly

Think about what you are demonstrating to them if you stay after finding this out

Think about them growing up with a Mum who is miserable and has put up with being treated like shit; forever knowing you were second best

It is extremely likely he will leave you anyway in the future. He just wants everything on his terms for now, because that's easier for him

The relationship is over. At least make sure it's on your terms and you get out as quickly as possible so you can start building a new life for yourself and your kids

Apparently he put it on a credit card.

I would leave him OP.

He obviously cared about this woman and made a fool of himself with her without any thought for you or his kids.

I could not get past this.

If you'd been having sex with someone for a year you would have usually met family and friends. You'd usually have attended a celebration of some kind where you meet people important to the bf/gf. If the fling has you holed up in hotels only letting you out for trips to the jewellers I think it would be a fair assumption that the gf/bf was still very much married.

Waiting for the right time to leave.

Obviously I wasn’t seeking out a dickhead of a husband, this wasn’t in my life’s plan

Yes 100% aware is abusive

Think it was sadly a ring as that’s something you can wear every day practically over a diamond necklace which I suppose would be a lot less wearable. Sorry op. It’s not easy to read.

The op's husband is a certain "type of people" too.

Oh and maybe she does have a cupboard full of 20k necklaces (unlikely), or maybe he told her the cheater script for the OW.

Still doesn't make it right, but cheaters use certain lines because they work on women, especially younger women.

She isn't stupid if she got him to buy her a 20k piece of jewellery, she's smarter than you if you haven't managed that.

I’ll reiterate that she was younger but not loads younger. She also has a good job. This wasn’t a classic sugar daddy type scenario which is why it puts a slightly different spin on the gift, whatever it was.

it does make a difference to me because I think a physical relationship is not insurmountable with a hell of a lot of work. Loving someone else is. If he did, I can’t trust his motivations for wanting to stay and work it out.

And for what? Constantly looking over your shoulder, never trusting a word he says, furtively looking at phone and credit card bills for proof of cheating for the rest of your life? Do you really want to live like that? It will eat you up eventually and be a miserable existence for kids to grow up in. So sorry this has happened to you OP but you really need to think carefully about your next move, because one things for sure your shit of a husband didn't give a flying toss about you and the kids when he blew 20 grand on his side piece.

He doesn’t have to have fed her a line.

Some women enjoy being the other woman. The boost to the ego and the best bits of the relationship.

They have no sympathy for the wife or long term partner, they probably resent them for standing in the way of spending more time with the dick, but that is probably as far as any feelings towards them go.

They get treated like a desirable princess and know there is a boring and pathetic older drudge somewhere in the background that the dick has to endure - but hey ho.

You have to just hope they get a healthy sense of karma in the not too distant future.

That's not "smarter'.

What a nasty post.