He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

So? You really think your marriage is the right one for them to grow up watching? Is this what you’d want for your daughters? Is it how you want your sons to treat their partners?

One if the biggest obstacle for kids from a split home is finances. Living in poverty. Yours clesrly won’t be. I’m a single parent. What’s the problem?

And he certainly didn’t think about his kids, their life, what this would do to them or you while he was banging this woman, taking her to hotels, buying her gifts, “not” telling her he loved her (he totally did). He didn’t think about the kids.

@Spikyseason I mean this in the kindest way but it’s of no benefit to your children to have mother that’s on edge, anxious and upset. Your feelings aren’t going to go away and you will find out more and more.
first thing is get an std test and some legal advice. If you can offload your kids into a relative or your H, do it and get a bit of breathing space. I think you love him
alot which is is why you are clutching at everything you can.

To buy jewellery for herself, or to try to find out what he's bought for other women?

They're not going to tell op that.

They'd lose all their customers if eg city bankers tell each other that that jeweller's told their wife about their purchases for their girlfriends when she asked.

And even if he has an account, they'd presumably need him there to authorise purchases (if it's to buy jewellery).

He has spent 20k of the marital pot. I would want £20k of that pot now to have my share.
You need to keep closer eye on money in future - he can't have a personal account, all joint.

Tbh all through the thread I assumed that you knew the jewellery was a necklace OP.
But from your updates I see you only have his word( which is meaningless) that it is a necklace.
And your update says it wasn't just taking her shopping: it was the whole romantic stay at a hotel, spa, meals plus the shopping.
It could very well have been a ring he bought her. An eternity ring perhaps?
He was quick to defend her and say he wanted to buy whatever it was, it wasn't her that asked for it. And a ring would chime with that.
But ultimately it's all supposition. As another pp said you really have no idea what this man has done, what he feels, what he is thinking. And you have no way of ever finding out.
He has been living a double life.

Is he very remorseful, is he ashamed or is he trying to sweep it all under the carpet and move on? Does he accept how hurt and angry you are and is he willing to answer all your questions or is he getting a bit irritated as he's been caught out?

I'd consider that you need to future-proof if you do decide to stay.

Because he might not have left due to wanting to stay with the children or not wanting to divide assets, (or the ow not wanting him).

In which case, he may leave if she changes her mind or when the kids are older or when he's managed to hide assets more/kids no longer dependent.

Sad to say, with the £2oK down payment done, he is only staying until he is ready or you kick him out.

when that happens, if the lady has moved on by then, he will simply find another to wine and dine and hope for the best.

he is clearly looking for excitement away from family responsibilities. sorry, this won't end well. all depends how much longer you can devote to this phase.

yes, men can spend £3K without thinking, on women (incl those met randomly) out of excitement/wanting to impress- have heard of that. £2oK? no matter how wealthy he might be, no chance! he is obv lying to you. sorry you are dealing with this.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m a few months on from discovering my DHs emotional affair. No physical intimacy but still incredibly painful. Trying to work through it. I’m very much on the side of trying to stay if you have children.

However -

I don’t believe you can have a year-long physical affair of ‘just sex’ - there has to be some emotional connection there in order to keep risking the life he has with you and his family. If it is ‘just sex’ then the relationship is purely physical, like a transaction, with no communication outside of the sexual rendezvous (like meeting a prostitute).

Secondly, no one buys someone they have no emotional connection with/ no feelings for/ don’t care about at all a fucking 20K diamond ring.

This screams ‘promise ring’ to me - ‘I can’t leave my wife yet but here’s a giant diamond ring to show my commitment to you’

It would be easy for the op to find out, with balls.

However, if he's dropped 20K on a necklace what else has he spent?

You say you saw his credit card statements, what about his current account statements?

He probably has more than one - of each type e.g credit card, current account.

You need to protect yourself and your children. People go out of their way to hide money, spending, assets etc.

He's basically a cheat, who has been caught.

The one good thing about this is that now you know the person he truly is. Armed with this knowledge, you can choose to stay but do so knowing that the marriage isn't what you thought it was. And never will be.

The problem with this strategy is that he could leave at any point for this woman or another one.

He could do do having lawyered up and hidden money and assets.

Ive seen women on here put up with infidelity and think that because their h stayed for a while - decades even - that he'd always stay. He didn't and they were dumped, looking down the barrel of late middle age.

The other problem is that he could just be more careful with spending trails, while still wasting op and her kids joint money on other women.

Buy yourself something for just you for £20,000

You are doing your children no favours but remaining in this marriage for their sakes, neither is your husband. Even if your children are young they will pick up on any type of hostile environment between you both, don't plod along and let them learn that it's ok to be brow beaten, to accept second best. Ask yourself if the trust you once had with your husband will ever be at that level again, will you ever believe him fully again, each time he goes out, or goes away for work purposes, will he be with her again, or perhaps someone else. It's not fair on you and you deserve better. No-one on here can tell you what to do but can offer you advice and for you to see things from different angles. I personally could never get over this double betrayal and would move on with my children, living life on my terms. I wish you luck and hope things improve for you whatever that outcome may be.

Wow she's done very well out if it and you're left with the shock of a very large credit card bill. Whether you stay together or not, you certainly deserve better from your husband.

I think this is the gambit, sadly. Crickey, OP, I’m sorry. This just stinks.

Why would the claims automatically be bollocks though? More than half of marriage end in divorce so many people will be dating during the period of being separated but not legally divorced since in some cases it can take years.
Unless you had reason to I don’t see why the other woman would assume he was lying about being separated, if that’s what he told her.

It would be easy for the op to find out, with balls.

No, it wouldn't.

Shop assistants in luxury shops do not blab about a man's purchases to his wife. They know the score.

Sorry, OP, that’s a bitter pill, and I think that you are probably better off without this man as your DH .

OP my heart aches for you reading this thread because my husband also had an affair that he didn’t own up to and I discovered. He could easily have bought expensive gifts, I’d never know.
i did see a receipt for lingerie and sex toys. He also spent bought himself first class flights to see her while I’m budgeting our food shop and buying second hand clothes for our children because he limits my access to money.

hes also buying me a new practical coat for my birthday….ha

Why though.
If you're miserable the kids will be miserable.
I think the affair you could get over if he was honest.
But it's the 20 k jewellery.
He wasn't even guilty enough to buy you one.

Why are you with him?

What is so wrong with so many women that they just accept this and stay. Do you have no respect for yourself?

There would be a clever way to do it!

Which shop was the item of jewellery bought from?

Was it just one item?

i did see a receipt for lingerie and sex toys. He also spent bought himself first class flights to see her while I’m budgeting our food shop and buying second hand clothes for our children because he limits my access to money.

You are in an abusive relationship.

Cheating is a form of abuse.

Financial abuse is, obviously, abuse

Agree with PPs who say that wasn’t a necklace it was a ring but he knew you’d freak right out if he told you. To be honest, cut your losses. You’ll feel much better in control. kick him out and take him to the cleaners. You deserve better than this and it WILL COME. What an utter twat. Ashamed to say I had a friend (had) who was gleefully shagging a married man; he’d taxi her up to his posh hotels when he was away on business and buy her expensive jewellery. She wasn’t in the least bit concerned for his wife. He told her he loved her. Wife found out. She was dropped like a brick and he went crawling back with his tail between his legs to the wife who ‘forgave him’. She probably didn’t know the half of it. They’re all cut from the same cloth.