He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

I agree.

Definitely some women don't need fed lines.

Especially with wealthy men.

But many do.

Hence most affairs will involve the married man using the lines.

I agree, unnecessary

You have to just hope they get a healthy sense of karma in the not too distant future.

Unfortunately they often don't.

What a fucking horrible comment.

@HazelPlayer

"The op's husband is a certain "type of people" too."

Yep. That's what I said. People. Plural,
So not just her.

" I can’t trust his motivations for wanting to stay and work it out"

Did the other woman dump him, op?

He wants to stay because it's easier? Cheaper? Who knows? But it's really unforgivable, what he's done.

Also the ow is not clever for getting expensive jewellery out of him. She is just good in the sack. Clever my arse.

she's smarter than you if you haven't managed that

Oh and the Op got half his assets for the length of their marriage, child maintenance based on his salary for her kids, and hopefully his assets for her kids inheritance ..... Who's smarter?

Just a thought OP have you spoken to your parents? If they are still around they will know the dynamic better than MN posters. They could advise.
I think you love him and that's the bit you can't change at the moment. I don't know you so it's only a thought.
I am going to mention something you said which was 'brood mare'.That is an upper class thing and comes with certain expectations. You put up and shut up. (you've only got to watch the new Rivals to see it action). You could chose to do this or break the mold. Personally I'd be shagging the gardener by now.
My divorced friends all enjoyed house shopping post divorce. They bought pretty feminine places to keep the Cock lodgers away.
Can you see a new future for you?
I hope you have a professional life and your own money.

"Well exactly. I’m trying to work out something that doesn’t make any sense. It’s like he wants to push me into being the one who calls time on it to be honest. None of what he says and does and has done stacks up."

@Spikyseason he wants to be able to say to your children, when they are older, than you ended the relationship and that you refused to forgive him. He wants to be able to shift the blame onto someone else for the destruction he has caused.

So what. Let him play his games. If you want him to leave, ask him to leave. If you have a daughter, especially, when she's an adult she will see through his bluster and respect you for taking action to live a life that is true to you.

She is just good in the sack.

She doesn't have to even be good in the sack.

She's younger, attractive, and she was a novelty.

She had none of the associations with familiarity, domesticity, kids, drudgery etc.

Their interaction is restricted, fun, illicit etc.

She could be much more of a fantasy than a wife could ever be. If you're the sort of person to prioritise that, then . . .

Not sure it is smart to get flash trinkets in return for sex?

Real relationships are about managing the dullness of of domesticity and relentlessness of childcare whilst still having a close, loving relationship. Many people manage just that without needing tacky rewards.

Obviously some people cheat and how the op deals wirh this is her call but please don't call this ow smart.

Time to call it a day. Staying together for the sake of the kids is a bad idea. Children pick up on stuff and even more so as they get older.

OP, quite simply you will never be able to trust him again. He deceived you and lied for a year, whichever way you look at it he was self serving and deceitful.
If you stay together you will always be on high alert, monitoring his behaviour and watching and worrying. Don't do that to yourself and your children, he's just not worth it.

You can't possibly stay with him. Separation is agony and a total pain in the arse so I understand you want to look at other options, but you can't go on long term living with what he's done. It will just drag out this hurt and pain.

You don't have to storm out tonight, just start planning. Your life is going to change anyway.

She had none of the associations with familiarity, domesticity, kids, drudgery etc.

Exactly, washing his rotten socks would soon burst the bubble...

There is absolutely no way on earth I could possibly get past my partner spending TWENTY GRAND on a mistress. I just couldn't. I'd genuinely find that harder to forgive than the sex. It would be such a clear sign to me that he had prioritised her over me and (if I had any) the children. Even if £20K isn't a lot of money to you it's just the principle of the thing - as you say, it's more than the cost of anything he's ever given to you, including your engagement ring, and I would find that incredibly hurtful.

To me, £20K would be a massive amount - I've never had anything close to that amount of money in the bank, ever, but I appreciate that if if someone's loaded it's not a life-changing amount of money - but it's not the actual number that's necessarily important, is it? If he'd spent £100 on her, and had never spent as much as £100 on you, it would be just as hurtful. It's more about the sentiment and thought process behind it than the money.

Hi OP for what it’s worth I was in a similar situation over thirty years ago and I stayed with my OH, we are still together and in our seventies and have enjoyed a happy life together, he has never done anything like it again, so it is possible to survive it and be very happy. You do however I think need to be resolute in moving on, I have never ever used the affair at any time in conversation or in an argument, it would be be pointless, it happened, I hate that he did it, but he did and I just set my resolve and moved on.
To be honest it wasn’t that fact that he had sex with her that bothered me, but he did write her a letter which hurt more, to me sex is just using male instinct but the letter involved something from the heart so I do understand about the necklace.
Only you know if you can do this, do you love him, want to laugh with him again, share happy and sad times together, grow old together. He will need to want it to and not just for the children.

That’s even worse OP, choosing jewellery together is so bloody personal. He was obviously trying to show off to her too, so he really cared about what she thought of him. Bloody awful dickhead.

He didn’t tell her her loved her, but he sure as shit showed her - especially in comparison to what he was showing OP.
Day of spoiling ending in £20K worth of diamonds vs a coat.

If they ever get into a "proper" relationship, she'll be looking over her shoulder as soon as things get settled & ordinary.

'the man that marries the mistress creates a vacancy'.

Yup - agreed. Think we found either OP's H's OW, or someone else's!

This is shit OP - I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

He's cleared used the "she means nothing to me" line to try and come out of it as easy as possible, so it's totally understandable that this is a new betrayal, even if nothing has been going on with her recently.

It's like Love Actually with Emma Thompson's storyline isn't it, only real life and a far more extravagant present!

@Spikyseason if you actually love this man, you are better off leaving.

Why? Not only will you never be able to trust him again, but he will break your heart again and again. He's not truly repentant. He's sorry he got caught, and he's not come clean, he tells you what you've already discovered. Drip by drip. There's no disclosure. And when you do find things out, he knows what will rock the boat the least, so that's what he tells you.

He's got form for this, he's comfortable with lying and keeping secrets, he's entitled and selfish and I'd put money on the other woman not being the first or the last.

Present day, he's probably got two phones, hidden bank accounts, credit cards that go to his office address, and the affair is very likely still going on.

He says he never told her he loved her. That it "meant nothing". So what then? He rolled the dice on his marriage and family for somebody that meant nothing?? What a gem.

Believe your gut. Don't listen to his words. Look at his actions. His words are worthless. His actions speak volumes. Sorry.

@Spikyseason

I agree, no point chasing the ‘necklace’. Better to let her think that it’s viewed as merely a trinket and not some grand gesture that the family can ill afford.

May I ask how he ended it with her and how she took that? I think that might tell me a lot. I can’t remember reading it, but apologies if I did miss it.

Also, what has he done for you, that is more than just platitudes since your initial discovery?

Does he see himself as holding the cards, or you?

And is he scared of divorce and the impact on his finances?

I think once you know someone’s true intent, you can gauge better their commitment to being better.

I read posts like this & it never ceases to amaze me the lack of verbal disdain wives have for the women involved in the affairs. In this particular instance the woman could have made him feel guilty to the point of gifting her for the sex especially knowing he had money. She could have threatened him with telling you. She may be in the habit of seeking out men with money. I wonder how many trinkets she has stashed away in memory of her liaisons with married men. The point I'm making is women like this are just as bad as the men they sleep with yet it tends to be the men who get all the blame. They are undoubtedly abhorrent for cheating but so is the woman they cheat with.

You are trying to get through this dreadful deception op for the sake of your children. You are not the first & won't be the last to work things out as to why the affair occured in the first place then remain together. One thing for certain is if he did love this woman he would have remained with her. When you love someone you want to be with them forever. To my mind this was for the rush of illicit sex & he ended up paying for it. Only you can decide if it's too much to handle to remain with him. I wish you well whatever you decide.