He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

I really could not come back from any of this and I’d be done.
Forgiving and forgetting any of this wouldn’t happen.

I’m afraid I also agree with this.

Whatever you do decide to do, I would still take legal advice now to clarify your financial situation etc.

I think he will be very aware of how a divorce may affect him and be taking steps to mitigate - just in case…

You’ve said it repeatedly ‘he didn’t tell her he loved her…’ . Presumably you think he does / did love her and it semantics so he doesn’t actually have to say that out loud and confirm to you he loves her?

As I have heard on here before - you need to ‘activate duck protocol’.
Get informed, get a thick skin and get those ducks lined up.

Fine if you choose to stay - but you need to know why you’re not leaving and what compromises you are willing to live with going forward as he is not in the least contrite!!!

Yes. While it is 100% the dh at fault there is something absolutely sickening about an ow accepting a gift like this from a married man. Don't they have any pride, any kind of dignity? It is so grabby and clichéd. Diamonds for sex like a sex worker. Ugh.

Op. I am sorry you are going through this it is so shocking to read. What a stupid, stupid man. Only you know if you can try and work it out. I'd be tempted to go along with a reconciliation whilst furtively getting finances sorted in my favour, find myself an om and then tell him to go but it is always so much easier to advise others than be the one living it. Hope you have some support irl.

Good luck

You actually have no clue what the OW knew though. It’s incredibly common for men like this to spin both women along. “My wife was crazy/ we’re separated/ I’m trying to move out I just need the divorce to go through” etc.
If he can lie to his wife and mother of two children what makes you think he wouldn’t lie to a woman he’s only met?

He doesn't want to look bad to HER and I wouldn't be surprised if he's still emotionally attached or seeing her, to be honest. See a lawyer. He's a waste of space. You and your children don't deserve this.

Oh - and have you considered confronting her yourself to see what her version of this sounds like? I think I would.

I just don’t think there’s any coming back from this. I tried for ages, but it was awful

Surely everyone knows all those claims are bollocks? I can't believe anyone would fall for it and even if this was the case here who accepts a 20k gift unless they are actually having an open, genuine, real relationship. It's all so grubby and cheap despite the pricetag.

Unless she just makes a habit of ripping off married men, who knows. She maybe has a cupboard full of trinkets.

In regards to finances…..
you would be surprised how many men get some account statements sent to work address, or go paperless these days. There’s often a special credit card.

At the very least it sounds like he was completely infatuated with her.. trying his hardest to make her happy, nice day, massive (massive) treat all for her happiness so he could feel good about providing that.

How did he act towards you in the honeymoon phase? Was there a similar level of effort and attention (relative to earnings)?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's such a betrayal. If you do reconsider and decide to go to divorce, please make sure you do it with good legal advice whilst he's none the wise so you get a fair divide.

I love his "I wasn't thinking" about dropping 20k on a necklace. I guarantee you there isn't a man in the world who thoughtlessly drops 20k on a necklace for a woman

I guarantee if the op or one of his kids had suggested he drop £20,000 on something, he'd have been "thinking".

Unless she just makes a habit of ripping off married men, who knows.

How did she rip him off?

(I'm not her fan, believe me ...but I don't see how she ripped him off).

Did she spike his drink with a suggestibility drug and take him to buy the necklace. Did she get Derren Brown to hypnotise him and take him to buy the necklace?).

Did she use the same methods to make him fuck her for a year - behind his wife's back.

Yes. While it is 100% the dh at fault there is something absolutely sickening about an ow accepting a gift like this from a married man. Don't they have any pride, any kind of dignity? It is so grabby and clichéd. Diamonds for sex like a sex worker. Ugh.

I disagree with this take on it. It's him pursuing her romantically and going out to impress.

Don’t think sex workers particularly favour being paid in jewellery. It may have been transactional on her side, but not on his. Which is the bit important to OP.

Sounds more like they thought it was a love affair than something transactional, though.

I don’t know how much she knows. Even if she was on BC if they were having unprotected sex that sort of lends itself to her thinking it was serious?? I suspect she knew he was married but he played the whole, were separating card or ‘separate lives’ or whatever. Probably at least initially.

@justanotherchangeofname and no he did not treat me like this even during the honeymoon phase. That’s what fucking hurts.

Can't you book a massively expensive far flung holiday costing thousands, some kind of retreat in an exclusive resort. I think you need it to allow yourself to gather your thoughts. Paid for by him obviously.

Op I’m sorry I don’t think this is something to be moved on from .

He's an adulterer. He lacks basic integrity & loyalty to his wife and family

He's the type of man who spends huge amounts on on an affair partner, but wouldn't spend huge amounts on a wife.

Not the sort of man you'd want to hitch your wagon to in life.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

It's more common than you think. Many customers of high end jeweller's have 2 Accounts - one for the wife, one for the mistress.

This is so if the wife goes shopping on her own and needs to check her own current collection she can do so.

I'm talking Cartier, Van Cleef etc.

Where did he buy it? He may have done this before.

How could you trust him not to do it again later with some other woman. He'll probably feel secure that you won't leave and he'll be free to do what he wants.

Many customers of high end jeweller's have 2 Accounts - one for the wife, one for the mistress.

Totally aside from the "I can have two women but she gets to share one man" thing, that might be equal.

This is not, because the op is strangely missing her tens of thousands of pounds jewellery.

I’m also thinking this was possibly a ring, not a necklace.

It must be time to get legal advice and leave this marriage. He has already left it.

Just leave him. You really are acting like you have zero self respect. Just leave. Staying together for the kids is something from last century. And it’s a stupid idea, especially because the only way through an affair is complete and total honesty where he sits down and answers every question you have with as much detail as you want. He isn’t even doing that.

Just leave him.

It’s not just me I have to think about though is it, it’s my kids

Why has he agreed to stay?

This is what I would be asking myself. Because I suspect it's really a 'for now' situation for him. He isn't committed to you- his actions say that. And will that change?

If I were the lady in question I'd be putting my best face on & visiting said Jewellers to ask some questions.

That's my point.

I would find that even more humiliating to be honest. Not to mention there is no way they would tell me anything.