He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

It does sound like he went all out to "romance" her.

I think you deserve better.

No it is all her money.

Her husband chose to spend 20k

So OP should be able to spend 20k.

That would be fair and equal.

Well why didn’t he leave then?

There'll be a reason. Whatever it is. You do not spend 20k on someone you are not incredibly invested in.

So sorry you are going through this

They went jewellery shopping together! Were they also looking at rings? I think you need to get rid, and take him for as much as you can get wow, i'm fuming he spent £20k on a necklace for a tart and i've never met the guy, I can only imagine how you are feeling

OP, I just wanted to say what an awful situation and I feel for you. I know it's easier said than done and you're weighing up your options - hence this thread - but I would find it very, very difficult to come back from this in terms of your marriage. I know that there are DC involved, which makes this more difficult and nuanced. In spite of all the good advice shared on here so far, only you will know what is best - personally, I wouldn't be able to trust someone again if they had behaved how your DH has done, and that would seal the deal for me. Good luck whatever you decide.

I don't think this is about the money at all, it's such a personal, loving gift. No sane man spends that kind of money on a tart he's 'just' shagging with no emotion in it. The tart would surely ask for the money not the gift. She was much more than a fuck buddy.

In any case, I think if your husband had come fully clean about the affair, feelings and everything you might have stood a chance at successfully living together but not now. Please leave while you still can.

As I said earlier this morning gifts can't be reclaimed.
If it was bought with his card and given to her without coercion the item is hers.
However on divorce he owes you an extra £10k.

What matters here is next steps.
I've never been in your position OP as I'm the bigger earner but there have been plenty of women around my husband because he's good looking and really nice.
When I die there'll be a queue ( I nearly died last year and the buggers were out in force)

As I said before, decide if you want to remain married. If you do you are fully entitled to be angry. Is he full of remorse? Only you know.

Imho, a £20,000 diamond necklace is all about sex and nothing to do with love. It would end a marriage for me - how pathetic and desperate to impress, and all while taking his wife for granted.

Be pretty fucking stupid to be looking at rings when he’s married but there we are. I was told it was a necklace but he lies doesnt he. Regardless, jewellery is such a personal gift. It wasn’t clothes, bags, shoes or lingerie. Jewellery to me is something else and that’s why it really is total gut punch on top of everything.

the point - which is already made - is that you have the cash, could pay in cash, but use the credit card for convenience, points and consumer protection.

Big purchases should always be made by credit card imo

To be honest for me is wouldn't be the fact it was jewellery, it's the amount and what that could have done for his family, even if not you, his children. Very hard for you to suck up. For many of us, that's not even a once in a life time gift value wise for many of us.

Gather all the evidence you can of his infidelity, if you don't have any clear cut evidence, a note of dates and what he's said. Take your time, get advice and hit him with whatever you want for the future when you're ready.

@Spikyseason this isn't really about the necklace is it? Or the 20k.

This is your "Love Actually" moment when you get a glimpse into how he really sees you in comparison to her.

You are seen as the wife, mother, practical one who gets stuff done. Makes his life easier.

She gets wined and dined, lavished with expensive gifts. Makes his life enjoyable.

He is a high earner and he knows what this means for him in a divorce. He absolutely is and was thinking. He is thinking many steps ahead of you and you are just catching up.

The one good thing about this is that now you know the person he truly is. Armed with this knowledge, you can choose to stay but do so knowing that the marriage isn't what you thought it was. And never will be.

Or you end the marriage and prepare for a rough battle over finances.

As a first step, I think I would simply tell him that the reconciliation is on hold and separate bedrooms are required.

Did she blackmail him or something? 🤣
£20k is an awful lot of money to spend on a fling.

Also be keen to understand what his usual spending habits are like, does he often splash the cash?! Sounds like spending £20k on jewellery and romancing this OW was very much part of this fantasy.

This… 💯

He is usually sensible with money. We have nice holidays and a lovely house but he isn’t particularly materialistic. He doesn’t spend like that on himself. Or me. Apparently.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but did you directly ask him why he spent so much money on a necklace?

Just a lot of obfuscation. I shouldn’t have done it. Wasn’t thinking. Agree it was stupid. I didn’t tell her I loved her. Wanted to at the time because I wasn’t thinking but realise how stupid I was being. Ad nauseam.

Because of the kids.

This has to be the line in the sand surely? You know he can have an affair that he can hide FOR A YEAR and spend this sort of money on his affair partner.

Why on earth would you stay?

Oh OP - that is a shitty betrayal
You don't buy someone you don't care about a £20k necklace

Plus the whole day of him taking her shopping, restaurant, hotel - that would do it for me. He was thoroughly enjoying spending quality time with her - not just sex

When's the last time he made that effort for you?

I honestly think the reason you have the crushing feeling is that you this this is it. It's over. You can never trust him again, feel that he loves you or truly love him

So sorry, but you need to start getting all your financial info together and contact a solicitor

Better doing it whilst the dc are young and making a better life for yourself than them living through the next decade of you being made to feel 'less'

Hi OP. I am sorry you are going through this. I can't even begin to imagine how are you feeling.
Can I ask how is he being with you since you found out about the affair? Is he trying to make amends?
You said in a previous post that it's almost like he is trying to get you to call it quits.
Obviously he is incredibly lucky that you have even given him this second chance, if he isn't at the very least showing you how grateful he is and how much he has changed ever single day, then you deserve so much more. (You deserve more than being cheated on in the first place, but hopefully you see what I mean).

I think what would kill me is the whole special birthday they had together with the gift, restaurant and the hotel. My dp will book a whole day and night out of my diary for my birthday and it consists of a special treat like an overnight spa day, theatre dinner ect with a small bit personal gift. It’s the whole idea of my dp did this special thing for another woman that would destroy me.

You have just learned that your DH is actually a stranger who has an internal world and life away from you. He lies and tells you what he thinks you want to hear. You don’t know the real him at all.

I would find that very difficult to live with.

I read these types of threads and marvel at the capacity to forgive such betrayal. I just couldn’t come back from an affair and I wouldn’t be able to look at my partner if I knew he had spent that sort of money on another person that he ‘hadn’t said he loved’. I’d never be able to rebuild the trust. I know so many women can, that they have some sort of ability to look at the whole, flawed human being, understand them and find a way to move past it, but I’d never be able to.

I think it’s very generous that you are trying, OP, but I also feel that if you are doing this because you have been conditioned into being caring and compassionate and, yes, because deep down you still love him on some level, then please do not be afraid to walk away if this eats at you. Forgiveness should be based on the other party fully owning what they’ve done - this includes serious introspection until they DO understand why they did it and real honesty with themselves, and thus you, as to their feelings about the other party.

He is NOT doing the work, I feel. And on that basis I personally feel you really owe him nothing.

Oh and that somehow softens the blow, does it? What an arsehole.