He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Unlikely as she lives quite far away.

things have been turbulent but he had seemed to be doing all the right things, agreed to counselling etc but he didn’t admit to this so it’s like a fresh betrayal and puts a different spin on the whole thing tbh

I’m not an LTBer, as life is often too complicated for that, but how are you meant to continue? It must be soul destroying being made to feel second best in your own marriage. I think the writing is on the wall. I’m so sorry. You must be absolutely heartbroken, but he doesn’t deserve you.

@Spikyseason it makes no sense. What he says and does it at odds with each other

Well, I don’t want to rub salt in but … duhh! He’s a cheater and a liar. He’s been lying to you for a year and a half, of course what he does and what he says are at odds. That’s pretty obvious!
It’s not like he ended up and came clean wanting to work on it with you, it only ended because you caught him. If you hadn’t seen the text he they would still be together, let that sink in while you’re making your decision.

I'd say ask for the necklace back or no marriage. Sorry you're going through this OP.

Believe a person’s actions not words, his actions represent his true intentions. Sadly his actions are that he can happily cheat, take no responsibility for his or your sexual health by using contraception, and spend family money on lavish gifts.

How much does he really love his children over and above himself? The time spent with the OW is time away from his DC. If the OW became pregnant, that is a half sibling that your DC would have. Would he have left you for her if she became pregnant? How would he facilitate a relationship with the new baby if he stayed with you? I doubt he will have answers because I doubt he gave it a second thought.

The £20k necklace is just bizarre. Has he set up investment accounts for your children? Has he prioritised their future? I could not even comprehend spending that much money on a gift for someone I didn’t love - but I would absolutely invest it for my DC to help with university fees. Affairs aren’t logical, he just sounds besotted, happy to do and spend whatever to keep her happy and in his life.

Do you actually want to save this marriage, is it worth saving? Does this man make you happy? I would suggest some counselling to help you through your feelings. You deserve better than this and you deserve time to explore how you truly feel about this marriage and your future.

It doesn't matter if he loved or loves her really because he doesn't love you. You don't do that to people you love.

To me his actions spoke louder, hell they shouted from the rooftops. He didn't have to utter a single word saying the above - his actions did that for him.

I'm so sorry - no one deserves to find out these sorts of things. My advice, get yourself to a shit hot solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Also, request in the proceedings that he either repays the £20k to the joint account or he gets the necklace back as you certainly didn't give permission for such an amount to be spent on someone screwing your husband!

Lastly - how dare he!!! Find your gumption and inner strength and kick him out as soon as you can. He definitely doesn't deserve to share your home after that.

Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

What’s the point though? Honestly she won’t return it, why would she, it gives her the satisfaction of knowing it’s an issue.

He refused anyway but say he ultimately agreed to, what does it prove? The damage is already done. He bought it for her because he wanted to, but he has to be forced to ask for it back??

Also, the fucker has been lying for AT LEAST a year - telling OP he never told his mistress he loved her can just be added to the thousands of previous lies - why would he suddenly be unable to lie now just bc he’s been caught out? He’s proven what a selfish piece of shit he is, he’ll be doing everything within his power to minimise - the affair itself, the potential divorce settlement - basically the impact on his life

20 k Sheesh.
I think you need to make the decision.
He needs to leave for a while,while you decide what you want to do.
He needs to lose everything.
He doesn't respect you,he's still not telling you the whole truth.
Counselling won't help as he doesn't feel like he's done anything.
And you'll find out something later on,as he's not being truthful.

Plus her living far away didn't seem to be a problem when they were having the affair.

As a man (and husband and father), who is also living comfortably, I can tell you that:
i) Men are pretty simple creatures, and we are what we do (women are much more complex, I think)
ii) All I see here tells me that your husband was head over heels about her, despite what he says: trust the actions, not the words
iii) Make no mistake: if you leave him, it’s all but guaranteed he will go back to her, and say he has the right to do so
iv) I buy for my wife (and her only) expensive designer handbags and jewellery, as I enjoy seeing her wear them. No matter how much you earn, 20k means you are invested in the relationship - all-in in poker parlance
v) Any man who truly loves his kids does not jeopardise their life balance for sex elsewhere, especially if it’s meaningless
So all in all, it’s a pretty simple situation if you tune out the words and focus only on the facts.

We always pay for our holidays using a credit card and not our normal debit card, a majority of purchases made by CC include an insurance. We then pay it off as soon as the payment goes through

This sounds like payment for services rendered to me. Not that it would make it hurt any less. But her being there, involved in the purchase. She neatly what she was doing. She was milking her sugar daddy for all that she could.

sorry, this is incredibly hurtful. If I were in your shoes I would not be able to see a future with this man.

I’d be definitely leaving him, makes it worse it was his idea and he went and chose it!

Good morning OP, how are you today?
Because to be honest that's all that matters.

Your DH obviously has a good income and could afford to buy the jewellery so not a loan. Fwiw gifts do not get returned unless they are family pieces. If there was a ring a man's granny left it would be on loan in a rich family. Only the wife gets to keep it.

The issue is do you still want him?
Personally I couldn't like a cheater and integrity is more important to me. The OW has a very low bar going after a man with young children but I guess she thought he was a catch. A man who can spend £20k on a birthday present must have enough for two households, blah blah.
Can you forgive him? do you want to always be looking over your shoulder?
The only people I've seen survive an affair are those that speak openly about it.
The wife will tell her friends and threaten to cut his balls off if he does it again. They are very bold women indeed.

Yeah, don't ask for it back

It's a gift and a reasonable payment for fucking someone so horrible

If it was me I'd get a £50k diamond necklace for Christmas, divorce him and get half his money and sit around in my pj's wearing the necklace every night in my new house without him

Sounds fair to me

The whole affair is such a betrayal to you and your children. I can completely understand you being blindsided by him spending £20k on a diamond necklace. It seems that he got carried away and lost touch with reality - leading his fantasy life as compared with his real life with you and the children.

I left my husband (not him having an affair, but serial lying to me about his financial problems). I had a very young child. When I found out the extent of it after an interview with the bank manager I asked myself 'can I spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder wondering if he's telling me the truth or not?' and I knew I couldn't. It was challenging, but I got through it. I did have assets myself which he didn't touch in the divorce (the one decent thing he did) and I eventually met a lovely man through work and have been married to him for nearly 30 years.

That's the question you are asking yourself now - while the necklace is hurtful - the core issue is the lies he has told you. Either way if you stay or leave him, there are no winners here. You are right to be blindsided, sad and angry. He's been a fool to risk his family.

Having said all this, I can absolutely understand why you must be extremely tempted to stay - I would imagine you have a very comfortable lifestyle - I guess you just have to weigh up whether you feel you can live with and get over his betrayal. Also is it a one-off or is it likely he'll do the same at some point in the future? You would definitely benefit from some counselling to talk this through and find the right way forward for you.

I’d ask for it back. Me to her. It is humiliating for her not you. He’s stayed with you. He’s in counselling. The trinket is meaningless but if monetary value. Get it, sell it go on a fuck off holiday with the money. Do not let pride prevent you.

The reason is hurts more than the affair itself is that that was half your money. 10K of your money went to her.

He has no respect for you or your children.

OP, you sound like a logical, level-headed, capable person and I feel that your "brood mare" comment sums up what your husband feels about you. He has used your qualities and service to the family to further his life, but shows no genuine appreciation, or need to reward you, just for being "you".

I'd find that jewellery gift really hurtful, cost aside. It's something you buy to woo a woman and he doesn't think he needs to woo you. I'm not really sure how you or he can change the way he takes you for granted.

I’m assuming it was Tiffany’s? It’s so bloody generic that it becomes a bit naff and impersonal. Tiffany’s for jewellery, and I’ll guess The Ivy for dates. There’s no thought beyond it being impressive. It doesn’t feel personal or particularly loving. For all the affair lasted a year the gift was like buying himself a midlife crisis sports car. I don’t think it was love - it was just someone to make him feel shiny.

While you are considering what to do I’d suggest you point out that you now know the expectations you should have had of gifts. And he owes you for the practical, boring gifts. Forget her jewellery. You expect thoughtful, lavish gifts selected for you. Exciting, personal dates just for you. He can start with the birthday you just had. He owes you a redo. And you fully expect Christmas to be extremely special and generous.

To me it wouldn't be about the necklace as such, but the meaning behind it. By buying her something so personal and expensive he was basically telling her that she meant so much to him. To me, not only has he had a sexual affair but also an emotional one - and that I reckon is harder to recover from.

Then you say he wasn't careful, sexually, with his affair. Again to me that suggests that he doesn't actually care about you much. He put your sexual health at risk without your awareness. I think he was probably also naive to think that she didn't want to get pregnant by him.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this OP and I hope you have some good support in real life.

Was it definitely a necklace?

And Wow £20k, that's almost an annual salary where I live!

Either she asked for the jewellery and he caved to keep her quiet or he was in love with her. I'm sorry OP, I really am but I could not forgive that. The only way to test him is to get him to ask her for it back,,,,,and I would make him. You are married, he spent £20k of 'YOUR' money, I would want him to get it back, if it didn't mean anything he wouldn't have an issue with that.

It wasn’t Tiffany’s. Oh no it was a whole day of nice restaurants, hotel, him taking her shopping. I feel sick just thinking about it.

and I get your point but ultimately it’s just going to feel like he now HAS to do those things. It’s just going to feel forced and actually just remind me of it all, him doing it with her.

In fairness I don’t know for sure it was a necklace.

as I’ve said, he won’t ask for it back, I could insist and fight over it but as I’ve said before I don’t know what it would achieve anyway. Except maybe demonstrating to her that he is definitely no longer interested in her, but that is probably outweighed by making it clear it’s still an issue.