He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Regardless of him claiming “I didn’t tell he I loved her” it quite obviously was also an emotional affair.
You need to stop questioning whether it was or not, so that you can process how to move on, of course it was. It was over a year long! It only stopped because you caught him, and whether or not he loved her he spent £20 grand trying to impress her which is a hell of an infatuation.

It’s probably worse that he “didn’t love her” actually. It means he was willing to sacrifice your marriage and your children’s stability for a meaningless fling. At least if she meant something to him, it’d mean he values you and the children.

I haven’t articulated that well at all!

But you keep saying he “didn’t tell her he loved her”… he may still have felt it though? Actions speak louder than words. And nobody in the world (I don’t think) goes around spending 20k on someone they don’t love.

I think if I was you, I’d be getting him to ask for it back. Then sell it. Then use that money to fund a divorce lawyer…

He is scum, and so is she. You….deserve….better.

I asked him to ask for it back and he refused, and then as I said ultimately I’m not sure I want to give her the satisfaction.
he just said he doesn’t see that it’s worth getting in touch with her again over it.

Are you confident he is no longer seeing her? Is there a way for you to move forward with him.

All his denials of not loving her when he buys her a present that expensive were rubbish. Not sure I could or would want to continue giving the circumstances.

It doesn't matter how wealthy he is. If that sort of money being spent on you as his wife was the norm then that might be one thing but he doesn't.

Probably because he doesn’t want to lose face with her. He’d rather have you upset than look like a loser in her eyes. Says it all really.

You sure they’re no longer in contact?

I think you need to take it that he does love her still . As a pp said, you doubt carry on for a year without emotion and buying her an expensive gift like this shows he was besotted. I am not saying this to you to be mean but I think in your gut you know the answer but you don’t want it to be true. The reason the affair ended is because you found out. In these instances the cheater will just be come better at hiding the affair. He ended the affair because you found out so it’s unlikely he just stopped loving her, he’s probably gutted and resentful. A year is too long. Staying in this kind of relationship will be torture and you are just putting off the inevitable.

Oh that would be the end for me, doesn’t matter of it’s affordable it’s the fact that he’s never thought to buy you one, he sounds like he was desperate for her affection. She’s young, he probably gave her “the wife doesn’t understand me, my marriage is over bollocks” and then bought her the necklace to show it’s true.

Eurgh he’s an utter twat. Sorry OP thats just so hurtful.

He doesn’t want to be embarrassed in front of her. He would rather you despise him than she does.

He took his mistress shopping on her birthday and selected a £20,000 necklace … but he ‘wasn’t thinking’? Hogwash.

@Spikyseason, you’ve been in a false reconciliation, and he is still taking you for a fool with his ludicrous lies. There certainly would have been an emotional component in such long-term infidelity. He was romancing OW. Gifting the diamonds was a symbol of his adoration and cherishment of her, as well as a huge ego validation for him. He cunningly orchestrated his double life for over a year, investing in OW and duping you/stealing your consent/risking your health. If he hadn’t overlooked deleting the rogue message, they would in all likelihood still be going strong.

A truly remorseful man would have come totally clean with the truth on discovery, but he didn’t and hasn’t. He is still lying and conning you. He still possesses the same selfishness, entitlement, and low integrity that enabled him to trash you and the children for so long. What a shit father/role model he is.

Did he experience any consequences for his heinous betrayal? Did you set any recovery requirements such as his accessing IC to examine his deficiencies before you agreed to reconcile?

He persuaded you to stay, perhaps because he didn’t want the upheaval of an expensive divorce, to lose time with the children, to give up his home comforts, or to be seen as ‘that guy’ who abandoned his family, but he hasn’t changed at all. Unless OW despises him, he will likely be sniffing around her again (or someone new) as soon as the dust settles. He may already be doing so. You’d be very foolish to believe a word he says.

@Spikyseason, this latest discovery of the £20,000 gift is additional evidence of the true nature of his adultery. It shines a floodlight on his dishonesty and self-serving manipulation of you for his own gain. For me, whether physical or emotional, cheating is cheating and it would be game over.

When will enough be enough for you?

TWENTY THOUSAND

We’re not poor, but we don’t have £20,000 in any account just to spend without someone noticing

Totally get it @Spikyseason : I was gutted to see in the credit card that my XH had paid for M6 toll road for OW, with me we just had to sit in traffic!
So the gift is pretty crushing.

Lol

A few years ago my H bought his PA a LV handbag, he said he felt guilty he got a big bonus and she didn’t. I even went to buy it for her myself. Turns out he was having an affair with her (I found the photos on his phone)..I’ve never wanted one of these designer handbags myself but it hurt me so much that he bought it for her and he even had the audacity to get me involved in buying it..unforgivable and only one of the reasons we are in the middle of divorce!

i stayed with husband who was
sexting and having affairs for years and each time it broke my heart in a way that I couldn’t recover from. I just ended up a hollowed out human being with no trust and faith in anyone. I deeply regret not leaving sooner, I’ve missed out on so many years of happiness with my DC whilst they were young.

Wow, that's ... words fail me.

Glad you're getting out.

That’s exactly what I do!

I’m not saying I’ve decided to stay I’m just trying to get my head around this latest discovery and the fact it makes no sense. What he says and does it at odds with each other. Except when it comes to DC which I suspect is the predominant reason he so ‘badly’ wants to work things out. But even that. Does he really think that will work long term if he doesnt love me? Let alone how I feel. I would never stop him from seeing DC even if he is a selfish twat. They love their Dad.

I have a literal crushing feeling in my chest.

Oh OP this is just so awful for you.

What a selfish selfish piece of work your H is to do this to you. It just beggars believe how easily a man can take wedding vows and then just trample over the feelings of the woman he supposedly committed himself to.

Have you had a birthday since , what did he / has he got you lately ?
I think your relationship is doomed as you'll always be comparing the value ( therefore your value to him ) by future present buying .

He’s a liar and a cheat. A continuous liar. What else are you going to find out? Gather the finances you now have access to and quietly see a solicitor for advice. Right now you’re in shock but over time you will hopefully leave him. Use this time to be ready.

So I had a birthday after hers but before discovery. I got nothing like that. My gifts are always very ‘practical’. Probably just because he sees me as some kind of brood mare whilst OW is all shiny and sparkly.

I am not delusional either. He didn’t ’affair down’ which I know shouldn’t make a difference because the fundamentals of it are the same, the lying and the disrespect, but it does.

Can you trust he won’t see her again? You said they work in the same industry so will he bump into her at events/conferences etc?

How were things going between you both before finding out about the necklace?

I think you know it was a mistake to try to make the marriage work. You tried your absolute best, but I don’t think I could get over it.

He needs to go .

You have young children ,so I am guessing sleep is at a premium? Often young men want sex above all else,and will stop at nothing to get it. TBH expensive jewellery like that is more like a statement of intention surely.I think this is a physical affair, and it would be very difficult to get over .If you did get divorced and could provide proof of the purchase surely that would be reimbersed