He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

I doubt that a young woman who has just been gifted 20k will willingly giving it back! Especially if he's gone back to OP.

My sympathies. Make sure you tell HMRC so she can pay what's owing on that one (only gifts of 3k or less are tax free, the rest you pay at normal tax rate). You wouldn't want her to forget. Hope she's got 4k hanging around

Chump Lady has a good section on revenge affairs. She said it simply won't hurt them the same because they got there first.

https://www.chumplady.com/revenge-affairs/

Actually @Spikyseason if it was out of joint money you’re owed half of what it cost, from her or him.

I imagine it was to make her happy. That simple!

Of course, it means he did love her and quite possibly still does. He sure as hell ain't trying to repair your marriage, given the land mine(s) he left lying around for your painful discovery. You don't show commitment by keeping secrets.

I reckon if he bought someone he didn’t even love a £20k necklace, he needs to be buying his love and mother of his children much more. Starting today. It won’t change what he’s done, but might pay for some decent holidays with the kids in the future if it doesn’t work out xx

OP, you're definitely sure that the bill said 20,000 and not 2,000? Just want to check. 2k would still be a hell of a lot.

Either way, I think this piece of info is important and I'm glad, in the long run, that you stumbled on it. It tells you that he does love her and is probably staying for the kids and so that he doesn't have to take a financial hit for divorce.

There are many people who have forgiven affairs and regret it because the spouse did the same thing again at a later date. I fear that the presence of this insanely expensive gift means that you might end up in that camp.

The affair is bad enough, but for me, there would be something about the 20k gift on top that would end all hope and faith I might have had in the marriage. It's like, game over. The romance and the expense of that gift just says it all.

You deserve someone who wants to give YOU the 20k diamond necklace, OP. I don't mean that someone has to do that, but just that if they had 20k to spend on a necklace, they'd be dying to give it to YOU and not someone else.

Nobody deserves a spouse who does this, OP. Nobody. Divorce him with dignity and hold out for someone who values YOU above anyone else.

I'm wondering if the OW is pregnant....

Absolutely this. The delusory, James Bond & diamonds lifestyle, in the manner of the three legged stool, will tend to collapse quite promptly when one of its supporting legs is suddenly ripped away.

20k... just like that.

No bloody thanks. Just bin him.

I think this applies to cash gifts only. The government has already made 20% VAT on the transaction of the necklace.

If the woman is wealthier than him than the jewellery gift would be befitting in terms of him trying to keep her interest but if she's Suzie the cleaner on a minimum wage, I would find it more hurtful.

The gift of nice jewellery indicates a high level of investment in the relationship and doesn't indicate a fling just for a bit of nookie on the sly.

I couldn't forgive this. Have you asked how he would feel if you gave the man you are screwing a $20k gift. "But it's ok because I don't love him."

Very interesting take

What the hell???? He bought her a 20k diamond necklace????? Shit.... that is not good

You cannot believe his claim that it wasn't emotional, even leaving aside the necklace. Nobody carries on an affair for a year without having feelings for the affair partner. It's just not human nature. A sex only thing would fizzle out a long time before that. Men who cheat for sex reasons do so with lots of women for short periods/one offs/paying professionals, they don't pick one woman for a year.

How/why did the affair end?

Tell me you're not a tax lawyer, without telling me you're not a tax lawyer.

I think you're referring to cash (not stuff) gifts in an inheritance tax situation. I haven't read the full thread, so I'm not aware whether there's a plan to kill this man, justifiable though it would be, which gives rise to IHT issues, but I expect not a live issue.

Sorry OP, this is diabolical for you.

@AllHisCaterpillarFriends - I’m not saying it would make her feel any better. It would be something she could sell in the event of a divorce (so preferably at least twice the value from non-communal funds) and then he would have further evidence of what a bloody idiot he’s been.

It ended because I found out. She isn’t hugely wealthy on her own but has a pretty decent job and is younger but not by a huge stretch, so it wasn’t some cliched sugar daddy situation which makes it harder in some ways.
shame his wife and kids got in the way of his relationship I guess!!

and to the PP who asked if it was £2k not £20k. Unfortunately yes. And I knew we were comfortable money wise but I actually didn’t know the full extent of what he earned until all this came out.

And in regards to saying it doesn’t matter if he loved her, to me it does because it helps me make a decision. If it was just sex I’m not saying it negates the lies and betrayal and disrespect but ultimately long term with a lot of work, there is potential to rebuild things. We have young DC.

if he loved her and because he won’t admit anything I only have his actions to go by. And we could probably trundle along for a few years but eventually how can it work if he had feelings like this for someone else. Stuff like that doesn’t just disappear does it. Who knows what’s gone on in his head.

and I doubt OW was pregnant as would probably have heard about it by now, but the fucker wasn’t exactly careful by the sounds of things so could quite easily have been!

Don't even waste the next few years trundling along OP. Come to the decision now to kick him out. Fuck him and his disgusting mistress.
Hope you are doing OK.

Perhaps she didn't want him full time so the story about wanting to reconcile with you after he bought her a 20grand bit of jewellery somehow doesn't ring true.

"and I doubt OW was pregnant as would probably have heard about it by now, but the fucker wasn’t exactly careful by the sounds of things so could quite easily have been!"

Does does this mean OP he has told you that they had unprotected sex?
If so he really has gone into some really unpleasant details hasn't he? It also makes it sound as though he wanted to get her pregnant.
I honestly don't know how you can even think of reconciling with him.
Every update you make it sound more painful. And makes it sound more likely that he will not give her up. Even if he has temporarily stopped seeing her he sounds far too emotionally invested in her not to want to continue his relationship with her.
I.think also the fact you weren't even aware of how much money he earned is worrying. And I would agree with pp that you are much better to start the divorce as soon possible because he could very well be using this supposed reconciliation period to bury his assets.
He may be putting plans in place to leave you for her when he has sorted out his finances.
He certainly doesn't come over as remorseful or to be treating you with kindness.

I am so sorry you are going through this. The whole thing is horrible and nasty. Your husband really takes the cake. I hate to say it, but if the affair has been going on for at least a year that you know off, I would check into your finances further - xmas, valentines day etc. - this will not be the only extravagant gift the has given.. I would want to know and I wouldn't believe a word he says based on what has transpired - get an accountant to look over your finances - this is wrong on all sorts of levels.

@Icancopealone i have access to all finances now so I don’t think there’s been any big moves, also how I found out about this. But yes obviously I have been on high alert.

I asked him for my sake so I would know just how much he’d risked my health!! I think he blindly trusted she was on contraception. When I asked he said he didn’t know. I doubt he was actively wanting to get her pregnant it just seems he wasn’t exactly being careful all round.