He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

Maybe he stayed because she didn't want him.

If he was going so all out to impress her with £20K gifts, sounds like he was the one more interested.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Seriously …. Run! Get out of this marriage. And take him to the cleaners when you do.

This is just what you have stumbled across accidentally. What else is he hiding.

good luck op.

It's like Love Actually. Sorry op, what a cowardly bastard. Seek legal advice x

@Spikyseason You're giving this way too much headspace. He is awful. He betrayed you and your children. He is not worth any thought. He is pathetic. You deserve so much more. Stop wasting your time and energy on this weasel.

The nature of their relationship, whether or not he loves her, whether or not he chose the gift, why, when and where he gifted it.... Who the fuck cares? It's done, it's over. There is no trust.

Leave him. Have a wonderful life without him.

Tell him if he is really not having anything emotional/sexual/romantic to do with the OW then ask her for the necklace back and give it to you as proof, otherwise face divorce proceeding. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

‘He bought her a 20k necklace’ is the neat summary your friends and family need to give you advice.

He probably didn't leave you because she didn't want him to!!!!!

Much more fun (for her) getting the extravagant gifts and god knows what else that you haven't discovered yet.

He wants her desperately, buying a £20k necklace is the sign of a very desperate man. She doesn't want him!

So he's staying with you until he spends enough to make her love him!

I really hope OP you bin this bit of shit ASAP!

You and your kids deserve better!

Mate I don’t know why anyone tries to stay and make it work after an affair. There’s really no point at all.

20 grand? Even if it was 2 grand my reaction would be the same. Are you really going to try and justify this when the man has already been faithful? Trying to ‘stay’ and ‘work it out’ for your DC is pretty impossible when you lack self respect and resent your husband.

If it wasn’t clear, I’d be looking to get a divorce

This. That's your £10k on her necklace and you need it back.
Do you know who she is?

Well said

I agree the money would feel worse than sex. I'd be thinking "your penis isn't that amazing, but that money could have bought x / y / z". Also that your own hard work (either paid work, or supporting his career presumably), went to buying something for OW. It's the ultimate mug of, I'm not surprised you're beyond angry OP, I'm angry for you!! X

Even though you wouldn’t really “miss the money” as a family (which is unfathomable to me!) - it’s still £20k that he could have saved towards his kids’ future. Twat.

And yeah, I don’t really think staying in this is a good future for you OP. You’ll never be able to trust him so what’s the point.

I'm struggling with lots of things here in regard to your husband.

1. If he wasn't in love, it was just a year long fling, then the potential to lose you and his kids over a loveless fling indicates he is a risk taker who significantly undervalues his marriage. And if it was a loveless fling, he will do it again as its the thrill he likes.
2. £20k on a trinket, crikey, that is a very grandiose gesture. He is either trying to show off or he is smitten. But he surely had to realise that it would surface at some point as £20K is not a small amount you would miss....well not in my reality anyway.
3. He didn't confess to the extravagance, when coming clean did he...so what else hasn't he told you?

And its this final fact that would be a game changer for me. He had lied by omission, he has jeopardised the financial security of his family with his extravagant gifting and in making such a grandiose gift, he had highlighted your worth to him in comparison because he has never done this for you from the sounds of it.

You chose to give him a chance as he said he wanted to but you made the decision based on incomplete information and now you know that he has lied by omission, you need to rethink the situation. I would also be suspicious of his current activities.

I think he wants you to be the baddie in the eyes of the kids, you to be the one that asks for the split, to save face.

Take him to marriage counselling, get him investigated by a PI and don't take any further joint financial commitments with him until you have checked out the situation to your satisfaction. If he can drop £20K on his bit on the side, you can drop a bit of money on getting him investigated by a PI.

I'm sorry you are in this position and I don't know what to advise you, except to be squirreling away all the documents, get details of pensions and protect yourself financially. If he thinks he can syphon off £20K without you knowing, for his other woman - which is a pretty brazen act - what else has he done/is he doing, that he is hiding?

Yes, I agree. See if he’s willing to work to save the marriage. Tell him when the necklace arrives on your kitchen table, you’ll talk.

I’m so sorry OP this is deeply upsetting.

He has taken that 20K from your kids futures. I couldn’t get over this lack of respect for any of you.

Putting the affair aside for a moment. Would I forgive a husband who secretly stole £20 grand from the family’s finances to fund a hobby, or for gambling? I don’t think I would. So it’s two unforgivable things, basically.

Oh, OP! I just saw your update that she’s younger. He sounds like a pathetic older guy trying to splash the cash to impress a younger woman who he knows is out of his league. Totally pathetic. Wishing you all of the courage in the world to leave this loser! He risked your marriage for a whim and he should ultimately end up with nothing, because it’s what he deserves.

He wants her desperately, buying a £20k necklace is the sign of a very desperate man. She doesn't want him!

This ^

I'm sorry OP, but it's very clear who was doing all the chasing here.

I don't know why you've even considered taking him back. Millions of kids grow up with divorced parents.

That’s mentally-unstable/secret-alcoholic/fantasist money, OP.

Probably more worrying than a shag.

I suspect DH wants it both ways; wifey producing a hot meal, his slippers & adorable kids at home every night, hot girl in thong and his diamonds for dessert.

Thrillseekers don’t change character that easily.

People with that level of fervour for a dream life are tricky. Your only hope is to set boundaries and be keen to enforce them.

Don’t be reliable - he’s using you as the trampoline to launch his sexy Bond life, so withdraw domesticity, stability, routine and cooperation.

He thinks he can get away with it. That’s not helpful, long term.

Don’t be accountable, don’t be reasonable, and don’t give him time for earnest talks.

See what happens when he realises the game is up.

OP I think I’d be ringing my insurance company in the morning and explaining I’d lost my necklace.

I mean, technically you don’t have it.

In all seriousness, ditch him. He’s cheated on you and thinks you’re placated with a coat

Imagine if one of your children were in this position OP. Would you advise them to stay and make it work or would you tell them to chuck the prick out and live happily ever after on their own?

I never understand when people say that the wronged spouse is humiliated. The only person who's humiliated themselves is the person who committed the immoral behaviour.

That's a truly enormous amount of money to spend. I'm so sorry, OP.

Would it make you feel better if he asked for it back? In your shoes I would certainly feel better if she no longer had it.

Then you could sell it and re-invest the money back into your family, where it should bloody have stayed!

That’s absolutely how it should be. Unfortunately though there’s the feeling of being humiliated thinking “why wasn’t I enough for him/her?”… “what am I lacking that she/he has? The comparison of yourself to the affair partner…or others thinking “what was he not getting at home to seek it elsewhere”. All natural reactions.

But it absolutely should be the one having the affair who should be humiliated. They should carry the shame. Never usually pans out like that tho :(