He bought her diamond jewellery

[Spikyseason]

So 5 months into trying to reconcile after DH’s affair, which lasted over a year (so he says) and I discovered after going through credit card statements recently that he bought her a £20k diamond necklace. Twenty fucking thousand pounds.

I am beyond furious. He said he wasn’t in love with her. It was a tiny glimmer of hope in trying to reconcile for the sake of DC. At least he never loved her. But he has never bought me a gift like this ever. Even my engagement ring isn’t worth that much. We are comfortable financially but even so this is pretty eye watering. Not insignificant money.

I’ve been kidding myself haven’t I? And he’s lying about his feelings for her. I don’t know why this is somehow worse than the sex but it is. AFAIK no contact with OW since but I just don’t get it.

What sort of woman allows a man to take her to a jeweler's shop and buy her a £20K gift, in the full knowledge that he has a wife and children?

I'd make sure that my DH understood exactly what sort of cynical user would accept (even encourage?) such a gift in such circumstances.

Then I would dump him.

I don’t know tbh but ultimately she didn’t force him. It was a long term affair. Less concerned about her motives really, more worried about his and the sentiment behind it, if it even matters.

He didn't leave because then he'd be the guilty party. Instead, he stayed, being a dad who provides for his kids. Are you 100% sure the affair is over?

I ask because my ex told me the affair was done, but actually carried on for another 10 years. I only found out after we'd split, and it was me who'd decided I couldn't be unhappy anymore. He stayed allegedly for our daughter, although he spent hardly any time with her, and from what I can tell because of the rather nice lifestyle my salary was providing!

A £20k piece of jewellery isn't something you buy a fuck buddy. It's a statement. I doubt he's told you the truth OP, and I don't think he's ended it either, just got very sneaky because now he knows he slipped up.

There's a book I read recently "leave a cheater, gain a life" - wish it had been published when I'd found out about the initial affair, I would not have forgiven him, he'd have been out on his ear.

I'm really sorry OP, but he's a cheater and you are worth more than that. Contact a divorce lawyer.

The gift doesn't mean he loved her. Something so extravagant (and trite, and rather obvious) smacks more of something he did to keep her interest, either to impress or to 'buy' her. I'd read a gift like that as a desperate man obsessed with pleasing a woman, rather than a sign of genuine love. Besotted old fool territory. Not that that's any better I suppose.

Why are people saying OP needs 10k/half the necklace? She needs 20K, because he spent 20K on what he wanted.

OP. You are lucky really, you have the financial backing to split. Split now whilst he is still earning, start again whilst you are still young.

Don't waste anymore years

That’s not true. I work in finance and the perceived best way to manage cash flow is to put large purchases on credit cards even if you have the cash available then pay your bill the end of the month.

Thats how many people use credit wisely. Using credit cards and paying your bill in full without incurring interest has nothing to do with not living within your means

Maybe one who sacrificed her life waiting for a man who's always leaving "soon" if only it wasn't for his wife's fragile MH, his children's next big event, some financial problem....and one who moves in circles where a £20k necklace is a thing.

Obviously she doesn't sound great but we don't know what she's been told. Probably that they're already seperated but forced to live in the same house, or some such nonsense. Don't make it her fault.

I bet it's been going on longer than OP's been told.

I'm not legitimise it but it does sound like he was trying to impress. 🙄 He got carried away, probably flattered. This is presumably him trying to be the big "I am". It sounds like this fantasy world he was in, getting away with it, pretending to be a kind of James Bond. 🙄

Yous be amazed how many men love the idea of that.

He obviously can afford it if he has such a large credit limit on his credit card, not everyone will have a 20K plus credit limit. And like OP said ppl often put things on credit for points or in this instance to hide it from his wife and then pay it off when the statement comes so no interest accrues. I often buy gifts for my DH like this so see it as perfectly normal.

He wanted to stay… but we have DC. I am now thinking it was all because of them rather than me

Surely your reasons for staying are the same? You can't possibly have any affection or respect for him after what he did to you.

I'd guess she issued an ultimatum about him leaving his wife, and this was a look how much you mean to me but I just need a little more time....

The OP is right to focus on her husband's motivations and actions - not this woman's. She is nothing to the OP.

I love his "I wasn't thinking" about dropping 20k on a necklace. I guarantee you there isn't a man in the world who thoughtlessly drops 20k on a necklace for a woman.

OP maybe he is waiting for you to call time. Maybe so he can say "Spikeyseason threw me out, poor me". So what. You can certainly get the real narrative out there first. He'll look like a fool to anyone who hears about the 20k necklace. If she is in the same industry as him and that story is circulating she won't look too good either.

Either way, remember this man is no longer your friend. You can't trust him at all. Whether he loved the other woman or not isn't the point. The point is he didn't behave as if he loved you.

How long have you been with DH over all? How old are the kids? Do you think he is having a mid life crisis and is seriously remorseful?! Honestly it is not worth being with someone who doesn’t value you! You deserve better! Take care!

I’m so sorry OP. That would change things for me too.

if even within his means; that’s an insane amount of money on one gift (esp if he isn’t usually like that). It’s also enough for a truly epic holiday for the family - or two! It would make me furious he took that money and spent it on some woman and not DC/family. Even if he wasn’t thinking….. He SHOULD be thinking.

So the NOT thinking “wow this is so extreme, I have a family and a wife why am I doing this” for me is as bad as actively thinking “fuckit, I want to do this for OW she deserves it”.

That's really shitty. Sorry you're going through this x

Wow. I’d be telling him go get it back now it’s over. If she doesnt give it back I would be telling him he owes me 20k and I would set up a standing order. Or I’d divorce him and make absolutely sure I got that 20k back plus interest on top of the deal. What an absolute dick he is I’m so sorry op. As if she’ll ever enjoy the necklace given in such stupid shitty circumstances - she should give it back. I’m so shocked at the amount - are you certain it was on a necklace and it’s not some sort of gambling cover up???!!

The sentiment is that he cares deeply about her. The diamonds were probably to reassure her of that. He's a liar, so you've no way of knowing what promises he has made her about the future (he's not going to tell you!).

Someone who is capable of that level of deceit can't ever be trusted moving forward, sadly. I wouldn't stay with him, I couldn't live like that, but you may feel differently. You've got a lot to think about/consider.

It was an entry on his statement at a well known store so no not gambling…

I think I would ask him why he’s never been “inspired” to buy you anything so generously romantic or spontaneous? How you are ever supposed to feel you have been valued after this?
See if you are given a ruby tiara or something you can sell if you choose to divorce the cowardly swine.

See if you are given a ruby tiara he could buy her the fucking castle but it would still be worthless. It would be a pity present.

I am sorry op, but you've got to leave him. Nothing will ever be the same.

Wowsers that is a heck of a lot of money. Where did he buy it from?.

Thats not just a gift thats a major investment piece.

What a twa*.

What next? He will get someone to draw her naked wearing it lol.

The thing is he’s lied to you and conducted an affair for a period of time. You found out about the affair and have been given his version of the truth, whatever that might be.

Subsequently you’ve discovered this expensive item was purchased and have been given more of his version of the truth.

He didn’t buy a “trinket” from Tiffany’s for several hundred pounds but chose to buy a piece of jewellery of much higher value. I get that he’s completely capable financially of being able to easily purchase a piece of jewellery of this value but it was his choice to splash the cash to this scale.

Men, including those of means, don’t normally spend this amount of money just on a whim. He must have wanted to demonstrate his feelings to this woman via this expensive token.

The fact that you have never had a present of this value and it’s not his normal spending pattern changes the whole ballgame. It shows his feelings towards this woman.

Presumably he’s running scared now at the prospect of a potential split and the financial implications.

I could not get over this. The £20k is just the awful icing on the cake of the affair that lasted for quite a period of time that involved lots of lies and deception.

I'm actually in shock that he spent that amount of money on a gift for his OW. It's a betrayal all over again, I couldn't get over it.

How are you so confident the affair is over. Entitled pricks like this can't be trusted. So sorry and not trying to rub salt in the wound.