How do I navigate this?

[namechangeGOT]

Background -
me 40 him 48
Married 18 years, together for 22
1 child - 12 years
House owned outright no mortgage.
Sex frequently.
He has about 50k in savings, me none.
I pay all bills, he pays for holidays/car repairs/DIY etc.

Issue -

I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. The more I think about it the less I see myself growing old with him. Of course there are good times, we holiday a lot, we're comfortably well off, the 'ease' of my life makes me think I would be stupid to go it alone now. I've never even lived alone before, our child has everything he could possibly need. This would end if I left. I do fancy him, occasionally but more often than not he just simply gets on my tits. I love him and care for him but I cannot shake the feeling that I am missing out on my life by being frightened to death to leave.

Will I balls up l? Will my son hate me forever more. Of course, I have no desire to hurt my husband, he's a kind hardworking man with a lot on offer but I just don't 'want' him anymore. Quite honestly? He bores the fuck out of me. This isn't a flash in the pan thing, iv felt like this for some time and I am trying my hardest to make any rushed decisions but I don't know what to do.

I have a family who would help me, yes I would be far less 'well off', but I would feel so free.

The thing is, I know my husband does not feel this way, I know he loves me, he does see us in our old age and he would be devastated if I was to end it. We do things together, we go away, we have nights out. In fact, everything 'written down' sounds idyllic but I'm not in love with him.

What do I do? Again, I don't want to rush this but what do I do to prepare for if I do decide to leave? How do I make this better for him? I'm in such a mess that I'm making myself ill with the stress of it all.

Poor fella. Do him a favour and cut him loose so he can find someone more appreciative.

Marriage counselling could possibly help?

So you were 18 when you together and he was 26?

Don't feel guilty, it sounds as though you have just outgrown him which is understandable if he is all you have ever known and now you have hit middle age.

However, it might be worth having some individual counselling before making a huge decision about ending your marriage. You need to be sure that is what you want .
Bit, if handled carefully and well, your child will cope and you will all survive it.

Don't stay if you know it's over for you but just be certain first.

Yes, and perhaps I could find someone who also appreciates me hey? The life we have hasn't just been engineered by my husband. It's been a joint effort involving lots of hard work from both sides. His life would be harder and so would mine.

OP I'm in favour of divorce when there's abuse but not when you've got a good partner.

It's the wild west out there. Dating is horrific and you'll be a lot worse off with little support. Before throwing in the towel could you try counselling both for yourself and and with your husband?

Regarding finances you should be entitled to a share of the savings but you need to get legal advice.

How can you have sex with him?

Yes, 18 & 26 and oh he seemed so exciting and sophisticated at first and it was. To begin with.

I do appreciate him, and, when reminded, he appreciates me also. I respect him and care very very deeply about him. It's so not an easy decision and it's not what I envisaged for our future.

Counselling would be very difficult individually as he would know about it, I go nowhere without him. Nowhere and this has led me to feel incredibly suffocated and unable to stop and think clearly about what I want. I'm not particularly a 'social butterfly' so the lack of being able to go out with friends hasn't been such a problem in the past, although on the very few occasions I have wished to I have felt unable to. Not because he has ever said anything but because he never seems to want me to go. For example, I wanted to start going running a few months ago - I wouldn't be able to go far, but it would enable me to 'breathe', him? He bought me a treadmill so I didn't have to go out.

Now, that's not to say he is 'controlling', he wouldn't ever stop me from doing anything - he would simply not understand why I would want to as he is quite happy to spend our full 24 hours together. As though he is frightened to let me out of his sight. The weekends can be very very suffocating. I have discussed this with him previously and again, because he hasn't ever stopped me he cannot see my point of view.

How will I be certain?

Because as I said I do fancy him, he's an attractive man and I care for him. I suppose the same as the millions of women who have sex with men they are not in love with?

I think that is your issue .
you simply have no space.
Him not understanding that you are an autonomous individual is a him issue - individual identity is desirable .
Could you have some counselling together and alone ?

Leave him so he can eventually find a woman that really wants him. You're leading him on & being cruel.

Hi OP, I would think about how can can make your life, doing things with your husband, and without him, to pep it up a bit.

Talk to him. About having time apart, doing fun things separately, and together.

Perhaps make a joint, and individual bucket lists.

I wouldn't be too hasty to chuck away what you have. In time you might be able to transform your life with him?

No certainty ever, unfortunately, in whatever decisions we make.

It's impossible to say if you'd feel the same even if you did this, but you need some space. Even in the most solid marriage spending no free time apart would make things feel stale. You need to treat this like the emergency it is, and really talk to your husband and be insistent. Tell him you need some of your own time/pursuits, be specific that this is a need for you, and you need him to be supportive of that.

This is a totally regular request. It's healthy to let some air into a relationship, so when you come back together you have a chance to appreciate each other again. His desire to spend all his time with you is suffocating you and you need to push through and listen to your needs. It sounds like you are hampered by a fear of upsetting him. Maybe one of the reasons he annoys you is you resent this but feel unable to act for fear of hurting him. The irony is that if you don't try this, he will definitely lose you.

Go running, be specific that you want to run to have some space, to clear your head, or go to the gym, maybe join a class to learn a language with other people, or a book club. If you make changes and are still unhappy you'll have your answer.

Thanks for quoting the entire opening post 🙏

Read the dating threads if you think there are better options out there dating in your 40s as a woman.
There really really aren't any good men available. They're all married or with someone already.
Stick with your marriage and work on it. Honestly.

I'm not considering leaving so I can find another man. I don't want to date? It's not about being free to pursue other relationships.

@NeonGiraffe

Thank you for this. Food for thought. I have had serious conversations with him before- well over the last two years or so. It always reverts back.

Apologies. Of course you should leave if he is controlling. I am just jaded by dating and have given up.

So what did you do? Go for a run or get on the treadmill?

I think he sounds controlling and you've been a bit "boiled frog" and as he's "so nice", you can't quite believe that of him. I think you need counselling alone with a relationship specialist so you can set out the entire relationship and get help to make sone sense of it in your own mind. It's so not normal to not be able to do anything apart. Can you have counselling in your lunch break if you dont want him to know?

ETA i feel suffocated on your behalf, it sounds exhausting.

@Icanttakethisanymore

I got on the treadmill.

I’d recommend going for a run, treadmills are shit.

I don’t know if you need to leave your husband or what is the best way to do it if you do, but I do know that treadmills are shit.

In all seriousness, (and I am serious about the running thing), do you think there could be a way you could ‘manage’ this relationship to a state you could be happy with? I have a tendency to want to throw the baby out with the bath water sometimes because I find nuanced solutions unsatisfying and uninspiring… any chance you might be the same?

See a solicitor. Him having 50K and you 0 is a red flag! Quietly plan, then divorce his ass.

This is good advice, he sounds suffocating. You definitely need sometime alone so u can collect ur thoughts. Its difficult never having ur own time. Maybe attend a group or something to make friends .