How do I navigate this?

[namechangeGOT]

Background -
me 40 him 48
Married 18 years, together for 22
1 child - 12 years
House owned outright no mortgage.
Sex frequently.
He has about 50k in savings, me none.
I pay all bills, he pays for holidays/car repairs/DIY etc.

Issue -

I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. The more I think about it the less I see myself growing old with him. Of course there are good times, we holiday a lot, we're comfortably well off, the 'ease' of my life makes me think I would be stupid to go it alone now. I've never even lived alone before, our child has everything he could possibly need. This would end if I left. I do fancy him, occasionally but more often than not he just simply gets on my tits. I love him and care for him but I cannot shake the feeling that I am missing out on my life by being frightened to death to leave.

Will I balls up l? Will my son hate me forever more. Of course, I have no desire to hurt my husband, he's a kind hardworking man with a lot on offer but I just don't 'want' him anymore. Quite honestly? He bores the fuck out of me. This isn't a flash in the pan thing, iv felt like this for some time and I am trying my hardest to make any rushed decisions but I don't know what to do.

I have a family who would help me, yes I would be far less 'well off', but I would feel so free.

The thing is, I know my husband does not feel this way, I know he loves me, he does see us in our old age and he would be devastated if I was to end it. We do things together, we go away, we have nights out. In fact, everything 'written down' sounds idyllic but I'm not in love with him.

What do I do? Again, I don't want to rush this but what do I do to prepare for if I do decide to leave? How do I make this better for him? I'm in such a mess that I'm making myself ill with the stress of it all.

At 22 your brain isn’t even fully formed, I think you got married too young. I’m not judging you, I did the same thing. I left at 28 and I’m now very happy, I don’t have any advice just wanted to say I think some of the responses here are unfair.

I’m sorry but he is suffocating!!

So you plan something, he turns it around so that it’s becoming a family thing. So you have nothing for yourself.
You want a coat, HE gets you one?? What about choosing for yourself?
He has pushed your friends away so much so the only time you can socialise is with dc and in your own home.
You pay for everything even though you are the lowest earner - which means you’re left with very little to do things for yourself.

Im sorry but what you wrote is becoming close to being controlling/abusive.

What are your pension arrangements looking like? I'm guessing that as well as all these savings, he has been able to pay far more into a workplace pension than you have, and I also suspect that your career and future earning potential has suffered because of you being the one who's had the bulk of the childcare over time.

It really isn't fair that he should be able to have so much in savings while you have nothing, nor do I think it is fair that you pay all the household bills and running costs while he pays for the 'fun' stuff.

Perhaps you both need to sit down with a sheet of paper, calculate all your overheads, decide on how much to save for fun things & holidays, and work out your total outgoings each month. Then look at your respective salaries and work out who has nothing left at the end of the month and who has plenty left in the kitty. It might come as a slight surprise to him that you aren't entirely happy with things the way they are at present.

I agree - see a solicitor to see where you're at. You don't have to do anything with this information at this point, but it's important to have it and then know what your options are.

I also agree with joining a women-only class, that he can't be part of. Say it's because you want to talk about peri etc if you feel easier doing thst.

Also, your son is soon going to be at an age where he actively won't want to be doing everything with his parents. He might want you as a taxi and source of funds, but it will be natural to start wanting to do his own things. You need to have things that you do for you for when that time comes - and for if your husband drops down dead suddenly. I think one reason my mum mostly coped okay with Dad's death was because she already went out and did her own things independently, so that carried on, and she had support there. In contrast, my sister's FiL really struggled when his wife died, because thry had done everything together, and he just didn't know how to live by himself and do his own thing.

If you are not happy anymore and want to leave him then you can. You don’t need any other reason than that. It might not be a bed of roses if you do but at least you won’t look
back in 20 years and question why you didn’t do it.

Consider the effect your hormones could be playing, don't make any drastic emotional decisions, you may look back on this period in a few years time and wonder what on earth you were thinking!!

It sounds like he's a decent man and you've had a successful relationship so far. I think it would be unfair to just decide unilaterally to leave without trying really hard to make it work, not least because of your child.

You sound like you need space and for the dynamic between you to change.... but destroying a functioning relationship / family is a very drastic step to take if you haven't tried really hard, to make sustainable changes.

I think you owe him a really in depth conversation about how you are feeling suffocated and like you have lost your own identity and that you want to gain a little independence. Some individual counselling might help you be clear about what you want and then some couples counselling might help navigate this together.

Book yourself a weekend away, just you. Then make a plan to have some time each week or month for yourself, try some new hobbies, make some new friends, find what it is you want to do as your son starts to grow up and need you less.

You want a coat, HE gets you one?? What about choosing for yourself?

Yes, and what's scarier about that is that you have been programmed not to see that as even an issue.

The coat scenario is what gets me too OP - does he always have a big say on what you wear? The other things you've mentioned are red flags too of course, but for some reason this bit really got me.

Honestly, I think if you make a bid for more time to yourself he will think you are having an affair or something. I think counselling for yourself might help. Sorry I can't offer any great advice, I'm someone who needs a lot of time on my own and have made sure that's exactly what I get, so I can't really relate to your dilemma - just the thought of being so stifled by someone else fills me with dread.

What @BunnyOnTheOnion said.
I dpeakas someone who has dithered over shall I stay or shall I go for longer than I care you admit, but I think ultimately I don't think the grass will be greener, or as green as I think, on the other side.

Splitting up without a decent friend network would be quite scary and a potentially lonely place to be.

I think you need to work on yourself more, make time for you more and just be clear to your husband that it's what you need.

Counselling helped me greatly. It helped me to put things in perspective. Find a way to fit it in, even if you tell a white lie about what you're doing.
If he's not supportive about you doing more things just for you, then I think you need to have a serious conversation about your future and how you feel. That might shock him into listening.
I wish you the best @namechangeGOT it's really not easy.

Totally unnecessary to quote the OP in the second post in. On the second page and beyond, ok, but not on the first page. We know who you’re replying to.

Have you pointed out he has savings as he's living free at your expense? HIS savings are yours too.

There are degrees of control. What feels acceptable to one person will not to another.

There is an element of control here OP, as I am sure you can see, but only you can decide what you can tolerate.

It is clear that you are feeling unsettled and unhappy and I think the first thing you must ask yourself is: am I free to find a way to resolve this? In other words, if you decided to seek some counselling for yourself to help clear your mind, would you be able to do this? Or would barriers be put in your way? - either because you felt unable to tell him you wished to do this or because physical and practical barriers would appear from his side. This is very important because it will be a measure of how controlling he is or isn't.

Just one thing - I lived a childhood where I realised, looking back on it as an adult, that I was used as a means of one of my parents getting their own way, of manipulating the other. Your scenario of wanting to do an activity but being deterred by the suggestion from your OH that it is unfair not to offer your child the opportunity too rang a bit of an alarm bell for me.

Your relationship would be healthier if you were both free to pursue your own interests with the blessing of the other.

It’s not the only way to reply. You don’t need to “reply” to the OP, we all know who you’re responding to.

If he tries to turn it into a family thing you say no. If your son gets upset that’s on your husband and you explain this to him so he doesn’t do it again. Your relationship is so unbalanced, it’s so unhealthy for you to continue like this.

Edit to add that you can explain to your son - this is just for mum, mum needs time to herself sometimes, we can do x together instead.

There is a lady who comes to the sewing weekend I go to and her DH ensures he "comes" so he brings her and picks her up but she is never able to join in with the groups dinner plans. We even said he was welcome to join us but she asked him and back came the answer "no, he wouldn't enjoy it!" She said she would have loved to come out with us.
Ask for a sewing machine and go to night classes.

It's not about missing the point it's about being careful not to destroy a marriage that can potentially work. Ok he's controlling. Maybe according to the OP. He may not even know this. He might think he's being the best husband in the world. My wife wants a coat, I buy her a coat. Etc. it doesn't sound like they are communicating properly - that should come first before you end a marriage that for the most part sounds functional. If it can't be salvaged then so be it but I think she should at least try. For her own sake and also for the sake of her family.

t's not about missing the point it's about being careful not to destroy a marriage that can potentially work. Ok he's controlling. Maybe according to the OP. He may not even know this. He might think he's being the best husband in the world

Sure, and if she's really really lucky, when she talks to him he'll realise. But unfortunately, in both real life and on MN I've seen way too many situations where in fact, the moment she tries to change things, it all goes pear shaped. They didn't get to the position they're in because she never ever expressed a preference for something different. They got here because whenever she DID express a preference, it was overruled or ignored or she was guilted into giving it up.

Let's use the coat as an example. She wants a coat. He buys her a coat. Most likely, he senses that she's a tiny bit disappointed or perhaps she expresses that she loves the coat, but actually, she was really wanting to buy a green coat, not a black coat. I 100% guarantee that in that situation he gets a bit huffy or sulky or sad and OP lands up apologising and agreeing she's ungrateful and the coat is perfect.

Then, the next time, she mentions she's needing some new boots. And of course, he doesn't think, "oh, maybe I should let her choose her own boots". And so the cycle starts all over again.

In normal, healthy relationships, I don't need to shout at my DH, "I don't want you to buy a coat!! I wanted to choose my own coat". Because if he bought me a coat as a surprise and he sensed that it wasn't quite what I wanted, he'd happily let me exchange it or he'd remember next time and suggest that perhaps we go together to buy the coat.

And the never letting her don’t things on her own, that’s just him not realising? And THEM not communicating properly?
Never mind the OP has stated she wanted to do something ON HER OWN in the first place.. she can’t be communicating properly!

Come on, this marriage is only functional because the OP hasn’t put up a fight yet for what she wants.

@namechangeGOT what would happen if you rebelled for once?
Let’s say you tell him you want to go running in your own, regardless of the running machine. Regardless of him saying ‘oh we could do that with ds’ (you could just say ‘yes we can. But I’ll also do my run on my own’)

Would he still be all ki pnd and accommodating?

Then you need to go out running, and join various clubs etc anyway...and just see how that plays out. If it causes arguments and ruins the dynamic between you then you'd have your answer for sure that you'd need to end it. He might just need an adjustment period to get used to the new dynamic (and for it to be made clear to him that you can't keep carrying on the way it is - having some independent time is non negotiable for you kf he wants the marriage to continue). But if you cave and do what he wants just because he doesn't understand why you need space then of course you won't be happy. You have to crack down on this and be firm. You don't have to comply just because he has objections/comes up with alternatives. Just tell him plainly that this is how it is. If you're thinking of leaving anyway because of this issue then you don't really have anything to lose by being more firm with it at this point.

@ComingBackHome Honestly, I don't think I'll be able to. I think he'll be 'well why do you have to go on your own, what are you hiding' knowing full well I'm hiding nothing. I once went to collect our Christmas food from M&S with my friend a few years ago, she suggested we go together instead. I put my foot down that time and said I'd already arranged it, he then spent the night saying things to my son like 'we could have gone and got some movie treats from M&S with your mum but she'd prefer to go without us'. That's not true I had just arranged to go with my friend.

You met this older man when you were barely out of childhood - this in itself is a massive red flag. He controls you and is happy to use your DC in this manipulation. He is financially abusive. Please get in touch with Womens Aid who can offer you support.

How ridiculous

If you can't be bothered to read the posts, don't bother to answer

You are being abused left right and centre

Definitely emotionally and definitely financially

Others may add more.

Looking at your last post OP your OH's manipulation of your son in that situation is very very wrong indeed and will mess with his head. I have been there and know this. You need to have a mind to how this is affecting your son.

What a ridiculous comment! She should be "appreciative" just because they have a nice life? Come on. You can't help how you feel.