How do I navigate this?

[namechangeGOT]

Background -
me 40 him 48
Married 18 years, together for 22
1 child - 12 years
House owned outright no mortgage.
Sex frequently.
He has about 50k in savings, me none.
I pay all bills, he pays for holidays/car repairs/DIY etc.

Issue -

I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. The more I think about it the less I see myself growing old with him. Of course there are good times, we holiday a lot, we're comfortably well off, the 'ease' of my life makes me think I would be stupid to go it alone now. I've never even lived alone before, our child has everything he could possibly need. This would end if I left. I do fancy him, occasionally but more often than not he just simply gets on my tits. I love him and care for him but I cannot shake the feeling that I am missing out on my life by being frightened to death to leave.

Will I balls up l? Will my son hate me forever more. Of course, I have no desire to hurt my husband, he's a kind hardworking man with a lot on offer but I just don't 'want' him anymore. Quite honestly? He bores the fuck out of me. This isn't a flash in the pan thing, iv felt like this for some time and I am trying my hardest to make any rushed decisions but I don't know what to do.

I have a family who would help me, yes I would be far less 'well off', but I would feel so free.

The thing is, I know my husband does not feel this way, I know he loves me, he does see us in our old age and he would be devastated if I was to end it. We do things together, we go away, we have nights out. In fact, everything 'written down' sounds idyllic but I'm not in love with him.

What do I do? Again, I don't want to rush this but what do I do to prepare for if I do decide to leave? How do I make this better for him? I'm in such a mess that I'm making myself ill with the stress of it all.

Do Park Run. Join a yoga class with other women. Help out at an animal sanctuary. He's welcome to join you....

The reason I have no savings is because I earn much less and I pay the bills - he did pay the mortgage but my parents gave us money to pay the remainder of the mortgage off and so he no longer needed to pay this and the agreement was that he would pay for the fun things or the unexpected expenses and I would continue with the bills. He's not tight or unfair. It's just that I'm not named on these savings as they are through his bank.

You need to be named on the savings! Especially as your parents paid off the mortgage. You have two choices really - you can either go to counselling if you want to give it a chance, or you can separate. I wouldn't hang around and do nothing though, life is too short.

Raspberry Beret - I could perhaps do online counselling at lunchtime.

I moved from home with my parents straight to living with my now DH. I don't feel as though I have any independent identity of my own and that would be nice to have.

Many times when I have broached the subject of independent interests, or things that I am looking to pursue he will be very supportive and then decide he'd like to take it up too so that I then end up doing them with him anyway.

I am very very tired from constantly wanting to be happy and content but forever feeling unfulfilled, harassed and trapped. I try to appear upbeat and happy but when that becomes a struggle which is becoming increasingly difficult to achieve he will say I am mardy or ungrateful and go on to list all the things we have and do.

@RaspberryBeretxx sorry forgot to tag

It’s odd that you wanted to go out running, he bought you a treadmill, and you got on the treadmill. Or you want to do an activity alone, he decides to join you, and you then do it together. It sounds like severe people pleasing. You’re not being very assertive at all with your feelings and needs. Change the pattern and see how that goes.

Surely you must be able to see that this financial arrangement is all in his favour? No one is that naive, come on love.

You need to cultivate a bit more in the way of your own lives, pursue your own hobbies, meet your own people.

What I sense is that there's alot more than just being a bit bored and even you are not fully acknowledging or recognising this on a conscious level.

The behaviour you've described as thread progresses is not ok. I believe there will be much more that is not ok.

When I started to see how terribly coercive my family was, I would start with oh they're great and they have been great with this and that etc etc. Now, with the hazy glasses fully off, my eyes truly open and everything visceral in my conscious mind now.. I'm a bit horrified by my familial relationships.

Only you know the answer and whether the stifling behaviour could be worked on. It does sound like a counselling job. I'd definitely recommend going alone first to see an older female. You'd have to say it's related to something else in your life but I understand that could be really difficult to lie about.

@BustyMcgoober It's not naivety, I do see this. The thing is, I know that if I stay and things carry on as normal that money will go towards my life in future years. But if I don't? Who knows?
I can ask for anything I want and he'd give it me though he would 'remind' me of it should I express dissatisfaction at a later date about another aspect of our relationship.

The savings might be in his name but you are married & have been for 18 years so £25k of that is yours.
Don't forget that if you do decide you need to leave.
And half of the house of course.

I think you definitely need counselling - you could get online or telephone counselling.

And in the meantime try being more assertive. Tell him you are doing something and just do it before he has a chance to try to stop you or join you.
Put on your running gear, come downstairs, tell him you are going on a run and just go.
That would be a good first step.

Then maybe try other things e.g a yoga class.
Again tell him, don't ask.
Choose something you know he wouldn't like so he won't try to come.

I think the issue is that you are finding your husband suffocating. He constantly wants to be with you and yes, it sounds as if he doesn't want to let you out of his sight. You have no social life as such, and everything you do, is with your husband. Does he go out with friends on his own? No, he's never 'stopped' you but equally you have never pushed him, so therefore he's never needed to stop you!! You have a conversation, he persuades you to see his way of thinking and you go along with it. Someone else said that you need to change this, and start being assertive, and I agree. Find yourself a local running group, and tell him you are going, on your own. If he suggests he comes along, tell him straight no, this is my time. If he tries to persuade you otherwise or starts getting huffy because you won't do as he wants, then you don't just have a suffocating husband, you have a controlling one too. It's unhealthy, you both need to spend time with friends, and doing hobbies independent from each other.

Start by asking for the £25k as half of that is yours.

He doesn’t love you.

He loves to have a much younger wife who is in awe of him enough to work and pay all the bills and service his sexual needs while he keeps all his money for himself.

If he loved you he would want you to be a whole person with a life and interests and hobbies of your own.

Does that help to clarify your thinking? You’re not bored of him because you’re some flighty bint with itchy feet. He’s kept you controlled and where he wants you and it’s perfectly natural and normal to feel ‘bored’ when you are actually a victim of coercive control with no autonomy.

Why?

Join a women's group - WI or similar.

I'm not joking. It's not just for oldies.

And he can't go!

I think some wool has been pulled over your eyes.

Time for you to do some sums.

Start counseling.
That way you'll clarify if you can find ways to thrive inside this marriage
Or if you need to leave you'll know you've made a well thought out decision
If you are scared of him and that's stopping you from getting counseling, then that's next level and something like Women's Aid would be more appropriate (your updates list controlling behavior, where your first post sounded more like boredom - you need to figure out which, asap)

I don't understand why you pay all the bills when you earn less? that's why he has £50k savings!! That's financial abuse.

I feel there is a lot more going on here than you may either realise or want to admit. It sounds like he is suffocating you and controlling what you can do.

Why are you paying for everything? If money from your parents paid off the mortgage, why weren't his mortgage payments then redirected to household bills? What are your pension funds like? Does he control the money too?

How would he react if you said you were going out with friends every week? You need to find some space away from him. Can you join a woman only gym? He wouldn't be able to join you there.

I can see why he's happy with the situation, he's got everything he wants and you're paying for it in all senses. Your marriage sounds a very uncomfortable place to be.

Join some women’s only clubs or classes, and tell him you need female company. Stick to your guns and don’t let him change your mind / stop you. Split the bills, expenses and savings equally between you both. If he disagrees with any of this, he is being controlling.

I am reading all the responses but I'm currently in the living room with him and I don't want him asking what I'm writing. I shall respond when he leaves in the morning.

Ok so you don’t need to leave your husband, you need to get a life outside of your marriage. By that I mean, you need to do some things for yourself. Take a class. Join the gym. Join an am dram group. Take spa days for yourself. Whatever it is you enjoy, do that. And don’t ask him. Tell him. Say, “Husband, I’m going to start learning to paint by taking an evening class at the local college. I’ll be going every Tuesday night for the next 12 weeks. You’ll be on Daddy duties.” If he says why do you want to do that or offers to buy you art supplies instead, etc just tell him no. Say it’s something you want to do and in fact need to do because it’s healthy to have your own interests. You’re just bored because you spend all your time together with nothing for yourself. Once you’ve got that, you’ll have something to talk about. You’ll have time away. You can’t miss him when he’s always there. Don’t end your marriage, it’s a zoo out there.

I’d suggest you get counselling and work on yourself. Perhaps there are other things about your life that are making you unfulfilled?

Once you’ve undergone that process it will probably become clear if what is lacking is from your relationship / other parts of your life and you can then make a decision.

it’s ok if you don’t want to be married anymore. You’ve only got one life to live. But don’t throw it away in haste.

This!!! With bells on!!! Wtf