How do I navigate this?

[namechangeGOT]

Background -
me 40 him 48
Married 18 years, together for 22
1 child - 12 years
House owned outright no mortgage.
Sex frequently.
He has about 50k in savings, me none.
I pay all bills, he pays for holidays/car repairs/DIY etc.

Issue -

I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. The more I think about it the less I see myself growing old with him. Of course there are good times, we holiday a lot, we're comfortably well off, the 'ease' of my life makes me think I would be stupid to go it alone now. I've never even lived alone before, our child has everything he could possibly need. This would end if I left. I do fancy him, occasionally but more often than not he just simply gets on my tits. I love him and care for him but I cannot shake the feeling that I am missing out on my life by being frightened to death to leave.

Will I balls up l? Will my son hate me forever more. Of course, I have no desire to hurt my husband, he's a kind hardworking man with a lot on offer but I just don't 'want' him anymore. Quite honestly? He bores the fuck out of me. This isn't a flash in the pan thing, iv felt like this for some time and I am trying my hardest to make any rushed decisions but I don't know what to do.

I have a family who would help me, yes I would be far less 'well off', but I would feel so free.

The thing is, I know my husband does not feel this way, I know he loves me, he does see us in our old age and he would be devastated if I was to end it. We do things together, we go away, we have nights out. In fact, everything 'written down' sounds idyllic but I'm not in love with him.

What do I do? Again, I don't want to rush this but what do I do to prepare for if I do decide to leave? How do I make this better for him? I'm in such a mess that I'm making myself ill with the stress of it all.

He does sound controlling OP.

Could you insist that you need time to yourself? If you can't even see a counsellor on your own I would be worried he is controlling your life.

So... you own a house outright but YOUR parents paid a big chunk of it, meanwhile, he's not paying towards any of the day to day bills AND is racking up massive savings?

I bet there are a 100 other areas in which things are unequal tha tyou have just accepted over time. Who does all the household tasks and childcare? How much of your life is about setting things up to keep him happy? What do you have for yourself?!

Because it is the only way to reply? Otherwise it just puts a post up?

Sorry, I missed the post where you aren't allowed to do anything alone. Of course he's not aggresive about it or whatever, that's classic controling behaviour. He's more subtle. Makes it hard fo ryou. Feels sad. tells you how much he wants to do that thing too so why not do it together.

Do you have any female friends you spend time with without him? I bet you don't.

Do you actually have and friends? I'm guessing not as you say you are only with him all the time. I can't imagine having no friends at all for your entire adulthood.
You need to be the changemaker here. You need to not give him the chance to join you on things. Would he want to run himself? If not, that's a perfect start. Join the running club, don't let him sidetrack you so easily. You can still use the treadmill when the weather is shit, but if he asks why you need a club, just tell him it's different running outside, and running with people brings motivation. It's all true.
I think you've been in the bubble so long you have developed some fear of getting out there on your own, while bing wistful about it. You give up on ideas very easily with only a nudge from him.
Do it while still together, then reassess where you are at in a couple of years. Either it will be good for your relationship, or you'll find out the more assertive you get about doing things, the harder he tries to stop you - making it more obvious he has an insecurity problem. Meanwhile, your DS is getting older and more independent and equipped to deal with a split if it happens.
It's going from one extreme to another jumping to splitting when you haven't even tried asserting any independence yet. Try that first, baby steps.

Unless you tag or quote anyone else, we’ll all assume you are replying to the OP.

he reason I have no savings is because I earn much less and I pay the bills
This is appalling. I recognised that when I first read it. See a solicitor. [You are in a fucking marriage. With your life partner. WE have savings. Not he has.]

my parents gave us money to pay the remainder of the mortgage off
See a solicitor. Get out of this mess. It's all going very well for him, isn't it?

He's not tight or unfair. It's just that I'm not named on these savings as they are through his bank.
There's none so blind as those who will not see.

Your wedding vows should have included that clause of “if I just get a bit bored really”.
Then he could have made a better decision years ago knowing he was considering someone so flippant.

I feel like I can’t breathe reading your updates. It’s horrible to live like that. What would happen if you just went for a run? Would he run after you?

My blood ran cold when you said you couldn't reply as he was sat next to you and would ask you what you were writing.
This is not an okay situation but you must know that? Ask yourself why you are scared to say what you need ?

Why are you so afraid that he might ask you what you’re writing? What would be so terrible about telling him how you are really feeling? How would he react?

You are not in love with him. That in itself is a problem, but there is more ...... He is financially exploiting you. You feel unable to discuss your worries with him or try and change anything. You never go anywhere without him. You are not happy.

You have to talk with him. Yell him you are not happy and take it from there. I know it feels challenging to rock the boat, but you do have the right to some happiness in your life.

What I don't understand is why you haven't just got on and done things without him when you wanted to. So for example with the running, why couldn't you just go ahead and run outside despite him buying a treadmill? I think that is the first thing to work on. You've said he's not controlling but yet you just do what he wants not what you want. Start doing things for yourself and see what happens. If he wants the marriage to continue he will need to let you go a bit.

Morning.

A small minority of the posts on here insinuating that I am a fickle/flippant individual who should free my long suffering husband so he can live a better life away from me very sad. If I was those things then I could have done so when I was 25? 30? 35?

I am struggling very much @alwaysmovingforwards - how would you go about my life?

There has, on the other hand been many lovely posts and they have made me think a lot. Mainly, what would happen if I just 'did' the things that I wished to do. Well, I have tried to before. He never says no, he never actively tries to put me off, he just makes it so that I cannot see a reason not to involve him. He talks a lot. He, and I think this is the main issue, gets our son involved also. For example, if I was to pick a hobby he would swing it so that it could be something we could all do as a family. If I chose to join a class, he'd make it into something we could all share and by that point our son would have got wind of it and would be excited to do it also - I don't want to say no to something my son sees interest in?

I have been struggling to sleep for around 18 months now - he is blaming this in perimenopause. In fact, he blames a lot of my feelings on this. He is quite sanctimonious with it too. If I'm hot one day I'll receive a sympathetic glance and a knowing nod but I'm not perimenopausal and I tell him this every time he mentions it but he just smiles. It drives me mad that now I'm actually thinking about it.

Finances?

I have always been the lower earner. I earn approx 28k a year, he on the other hand earns double that if not more. As I said - we no longer have a mortgage, we have no car finance as we own both outright. I pay all household bills - including our sons mobile phone and my car insurance. My husband pays his mobile phone bill, his own car insurance, anything to do with car - ie MOT/servicing/repairs - he does not however pay for my fuel and I have noticed that he will take my car if he ever goes anywhere (although in fairness mine is the nicer car). He pays for holidays/fun things. My mum and dad gave us the money to pay off the mortgage 3 years ago and that's allowed him to really ramp up his savings, he often shows me the accounts and how much is in them - also in fairness - he did set up a savings account for our son.

He is not tight with these 'fun' things he pays for, or anything else. If I said I wanted a new coat for example, I'd have one the next day. He'd have been somewhere and got me one.

Friends?

Yes, I have one good friend. However, we don't socialise. If I do see her, then it is ALWAYS with our sons and will be, 99% of the time, at my house.
The person I would describe as my best friend, my sons godmother does not get along with my husband and so we have drifted apart.

If I do go anywhere, which if I do, is usually with my mum & sister he will ask when I'll be home or he misses me. He's not very good alone.

I do care for husband, I am not fickle and my potentially wanting to leave isn't because I want someone else as has been suggested. I know nothing else other than my husband, I have never lived anywhere else. I just do not feel as though I have any part of me left. I lived for going out when we met, a true party girl. I was outgoing and happy. I now feel like I'm nothing, totally empty and my sole identity is 'someone's wife'.

Are there any women only classes near you? Women only gym? If he’s going to blame everything on perimenopause use that as your excuse - such an important time, need company of women blah blah. I really think you need some time and space to think about things. It does all sound very stifling.

Your husband is either controlling or very very insecure .
Either way , the life that suits him does not suit you . And you are allowed to make changes with or without his blessing and understanding .
You would both have to make changes and that will be hard . I don’t think your feelings will magically change tho .’

Tell him you only fancy him sometimes and let him decide if he still wants to be with you.

What you are describing is a classic midlife thing. I'm not saying your husband is perfect but then neither are you. I would think very very carefully before ending what sounds like a salvageable marriage. I would talk to him honestly and see what can be done to save it. The grass isn't always greener and leaving isn't going to transport you back in time to your 20s. You will still be you just minus a husband, less time with your children and much poorer.

Well, I have tried to before. He never says no, he never actively tries to put me off, he just makes it so that I cannot see a reason not to involve him. He talks a lot. He, and I think this is the main issue, gets our son involved also. For example, if I was to pick a hobby he would swing it so that it could be something we could all do as a family. If I chose to join a class, he'd make it into something we could all share and by that point our son would have got wind of it and would be excited to do it also - I don't want to say no to something my son sees interest in?

This is really very worrying. It is normal and healthy to have things you do away from your family and he is making it so that you can't do that. eg, around here, DH and I both can say, "I just need time alone" and the other one has no issue with that. Ditto, we both understand that time with friends is different to time with family, and necessary!

I am guessing if you said, "But I really want to do something alone" he would tell you that it makes him sad. Or that he will miss you. Or worse, that your DS will miss you. It's horrifyingly manipulative.

Also interesting that your you only have 2 friends. One is allowed to see you by only doing so at home, massively limiting discussions and activities. And the other doesn't like your DH. That's a huge red flag right there.

I think you should call your BF and suggest a catch up, just the two of you, and then tell (not ask) your husband that youl'l be going out for a girly catch up with Jane on Friday night.

Yes, yes. It's just about fancying him isn't it?

op, I can understand why you don’t fancy him. He’s controlling and seems very insecure all of which would give me the ick. You need a life outside of your husband. What happens if he drops dead now? You need to be able to go out and see friends, have hobbies etc. the life you are describing is stifling and unhealthy.

I think he would like to know. You would like to know if he just fancies you sometimes.

I think some of the people who are saying this is salvageable and just talk to him are actually 100% missing how things develop in relationships like this. There is a (small) chance that you can demonstrate to him that a different way of life is necessary, but I'm sorry to say what's more likely is that as you push back, things will get worse.

It's also completely part of the process for this to be happening at this point. I think that quite often these very controlling relationships develop over time, and during a period when the victim is not particularly fussed - she's in the trenches of young children, work etc. As she comes out the other side and starts wanting a bit more independence, she has to fight back not just against someone who has never wanted that for her but also against the status quo "but we've always done things this way, why are you changing things?" That adds to the guilt and the difficulty because you can understand why anyone might be confused.

@50andhopeless Tell me you've only read the OP without telling me you've only read the OP.

You say you were outgoing and happy when you met; it sounds like you have gradually changed your behaviours to accommodate his needs, and have been left feeling like a shell of your former self. In a genuinely loving and equal relationship, you would both feel like the best versions of yourselves, and would support each other equally. You will need to be firm with him and just start doing things you want to do. Do not give in to his manipulation. Try talking to him and explaining you need some time to do things on your own and with other women. It is not fair if you are constantly accommodating his needs, but he will not do the same for you. Please don’t bother replying to the pp who are not taking the time to understand your actual situation and feelings, as this is just more people pleasing! 💐