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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I navigate this?

143 replies

namechangeGOT · 20/10/2024 18:19

Background -
me 40 him 48
Married 18 years, together for 22
1 child - 12 years
House owned outright no mortgage.
Sex frequently.
He has about 50k in savings, me none.
I pay all bills, he pays for holidays/car repairs/DIY etc.

Issue -

I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. The more I think about it the less I see myself growing old with him. Of course there are good times, we holiday a lot, we're comfortably well off, the 'ease' of my life makes me think I would be stupid to go it alone now. I've never even lived alone before, our child has everything he could possibly need. This would end if I left. I do fancy him, occasionally but more often than not he just simply gets on my tits. I love him and care for him but I cannot shake the feeling that I am missing out on my life by being frightened to death to leave.

Will I balls up l? Will my son hate me forever more. Of course, I have no desire to hurt my husband, he's a kind hardworking man with a lot on offer but I just don't 'want' him anymore. Quite honestly? He bores the fuck out of me. This isn't a flash in the pan thing, iv felt like this for some time and I am trying my hardest to make any rushed decisions but I don't know what to do.

I have a family who would help me, yes I would be far less 'well off', but I would feel so free.

The thing is, I know my husband does not feel this way, I know he loves me, he does see us in our old age and he would be devastated if I was to end it. We do things together, we go away, we have nights out. In fact, everything 'written down' sounds idyllic but I'm not in love with him.

What do I do? Again, I don't want to rush this but what do I do to prepare for if I do decide to leave? How do I make this better for him? I'm in such a mess that I'm making myself ill with the stress of it all.

OP posts:
IOSTT · 23/10/2024 20:25

Iv never lived alone.
Iv never been on a 'girls' holiday.
Iv never even been on a spa day or anything like it.

I promise you these things can be in your future! It will just take some time to process things and then get things sorted 💐

EBearhug · 23/10/2024 21:02

Yes, you can cope. Take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. You don't have to do it all today. And you have us to talk to.

ChristmasFluff · 23/10/2024 21:10

Divorce him. My ex-H was a better man than this, and I divorced him anyway (in my late 40s), because I didn't love him. Thus freeing him to marry his wife, who I'm sure appreciates him more than I did!

I've been single for 12 years, following an abusive relationship, and STILL I do not regret it for one second. I am free, and the best years of my life have been since the divorce.

MrSeptember · 23/10/2024 21:11

I have so many things going through my mind I can't cope with it

You can cope with this. You ARE coping with this. It's okay not to be 100% certain of where you're at and what is next when this is all new to you. My advice is be careful. If he senses you're waking up, the abuse may ramp up. If you can access private therapy, it might be worth doing that. Or call Women's Aid if you can at some point.

As you reframe your relationship with these new realisations, it will be hard. But you're already doing so well. I'm dazzled by your clarity of thought in such a short time.

When do you go to your sister?

TipsyJoker · 23/10/2024 22:05

namechangeGOT · 23/10/2024 19:49

I'm not in a very good place today. Iv spent the last two days analysing the entirety of my marriage, going back to when we first moved in together.

I remember with clarity when we first moved into the house. He used to go out a lot, he would tell me every time when I asked about tea that he'd be back at 8pm. So I would get our tea ready and he wouldn't come back. Everytime, but I wasn't allowed out. I even remember his dad saying that it's not right for couples to go out separately.

He had a stag do in Prague, they got him one of those strippers that takes his clothes off and cavorts all over them. That was in 2006, in 2009 his friends put the pictures on Facebook for all to see during one of my IVF cycles. I never had a hen do, I couldn't afford it.

Iv never lived alone.
Iv never been on a 'girls' holiday.
Iv never even been on a spa day or anything like it.

Iv travelled the world with him and yet, iv never been anywhere alone. I once told him I was going to Doncaster Christmas shopping but there had been an accident so traffic was horrendous so I went to Meadowhall instead, he went saw the receipts stating 'Meadowhall', I was given the Spanish Inquisition for days about that. He still didn't believe my reason for changing my mind.

I have so many things going through my mind I can't cope with it.

Start building a life for yourself outside of your marriage. But please be careful because men like this can often escalate when they feel they are losing control. He’s never been violent or aggressive because he hasn’t had to be. You’ve always done what you’ve been told for fear of being in the bad books. So, take that ladies only class/group/gym membership and see how he reacts to that. Then, start going to meet your friend or sister once a month without your child. See how he reacts to that. Keep a note of everything. Before you start this, gather together in one place all important documents for you and your child. Birth certificates, passports, driving licences, bank details, etc. Keep a diary of everything he says or does that makes you feel scared, belittled, trapped, coerced, bullied, controlled. Also, put down anything you remember, just like you did in your pp about times he’s been controlling or interrogated you. Write down things he’s accused you of. You will need evidence of this to show a pattern of behaviour.

GatherlyGal · 24/10/2024 08:25

It's ok OP. I think the "re-visiting" your life or marriage is quite normal for women with controlling partners. These men are clever and they exert control in small increments often dressed as kindness or love so you don't actually feel or see it.

You have a lot of life left to live and it can be amazing! You need to plan carefully now for your escape because he will not want the status quo to change. He has carefully manufactured his ideal life to get you in the position you are now in and you are going to disrupt all that by leaving so planning is key.

You will ultimately be entitled to a fair share of assets but that won't happen immediately so you need short term funds and somewhere to go. As @TipsyJoker says you need documents too. Good luck.

Therealjudgejudy · 24/10/2024 10:59

He sounds suffocating.

See also abusive

CryptoFascist · 24/10/2024 11:16

It must feel like you're Alice going through the looking glass at the moment. Seeing your whole adult life through a new lens.
You were barely more than a child when you met him and he's controlled you since.
40 is still young, you can go and live your life for yourself. You are a woman in your own right, you're not his property.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 24/10/2024 12:39

I hope you and your dc are safe with your dsis..

Mix56 · 24/10/2024 12:59

Not read the whole thread.
My friend ended her "mostly perfectly good " marriage.
As a result, she was almost broken by the problems that followed:
Her daughter no longer speaks or communicates with her, she is an insomniac due to this now.

She has tried OLD, & there is no one vaguely palatable,
She works like a dog & is lonely --but free- ,
She isn't going to heat her flat this winter to save money, (she did this last winter, she used to defrost when she had to use her car.)
She now has discovered she has a health condition & will be infirm in the future, she will be alone to manage this.

TipsyJoker · 24/10/2024 15:02

Mix56 · 24/10/2024 12:59

Not read the whole thread.
My friend ended her "mostly perfectly good " marriage.
As a result, she was almost broken by the problems that followed:
Her daughter no longer speaks or communicates with her, she is an insomniac due to this now.

She has tried OLD, & there is no one vaguely palatable,
She works like a dog & is lonely --but free- ,
She isn't going to heat her flat this winter to save money, (she did this last winter, she used to defrost when she had to use her car.)
She now has discovered she has a health condition & will be infirm in the future, she will be alone to manage this.

You should read the thread. This is far from a, “mostly perfectly good marriage.” It’s actually very abusive and controlling.

ComingBackHome · 24/10/2024 15:09

Mix56 · 24/10/2024 12:59

Not read the whole thread.
My friend ended her "mostly perfectly good " marriage.
As a result, she was almost broken by the problems that followed:
Her daughter no longer speaks or communicates with her, she is an insomniac due to this now.

She has tried OLD, & there is no one vaguely palatable,
She works like a dog & is lonely --but free- ,
She isn't going to heat her flat this winter to save money, (she did this last winter, she used to defrost when she had to use her car.)
She now has discovered she has a health condition & will be infirm in the future, she will be alone to manage this.

Reading the full thread often helps…..

northernlight20 · 24/10/2024 15:53

Mix56 · 24/10/2024 12:59

Not read the whole thread.
My friend ended her "mostly perfectly good " marriage.
As a result, she was almost broken by the problems that followed:
Her daughter no longer speaks or communicates with her, she is an insomniac due to this now.

She has tried OLD, & there is no one vaguely palatable,
She works like a dog & is lonely --but free- ,
She isn't going to heat her flat this winter to save money, (she did this last winter, she used to defrost when she had to use her car.)
She now has discovered she has a health condition & will be infirm in the future, she will be alone to manage this.

I suggest you actually take the time to read all the op’s updates, might just change your opinion

Mix56 · 24/10/2024 17:55

Yes, agreed

Commonsense22 · 24/10/2024 19:33

OP, bluntly, the grass is NOT greener. The dating scene in your 40s, especially as a woman, is abysmal to put mildly. You have children.

Splitting is a terrible idea. You need to appreciate your marriage and let go of the butterflies ideal.

Edit: I hadn't read all your updates. I am sorry, it does sound very difficult.
Sadly I think you have to make the decision knowing that meeting someone else in your 40s is going to be tough and not counting on that as a potential positive.
I hope you get the support you need and some much needed independence.

EBearhug · 25/10/2024 00:42

You don't have to be in a relationship. You be single.

BoxOfCats · 25/10/2024 06:15

I'd much rather be single than live my life under someone else's control.

MrSeptember · 28/10/2024 12:30

@namechangeGOT How was your time with your sister? How are you feeling after the weekend?

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