DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

OP what does your husband say or do when you tell him that you are unhappy with this? Does he acknowledge it, promise to change, or does he challenge it? If you spelled out that this is a big deal to you, and you need more day to day support, does he see and understand that, or just push back on you?

I suppose if you just want to grumble along with low level resentment, that's fine, but to me it's not really a partnership is it? He sounds quite selfish.

OK you’re not in a place yet on your journey where you can consider therapy.

But how about your relationship? What actions are you taking to improve communication?

There are endless fantastic resources online

To me it isn’t @Hercisback1 . I’m sorry we don’t agree on this as I get it’s frustrating but I can’t pretend I think my life or theirs more importantly would be better or happier for it, in either the short or the long term.

Not in a place now and never will be - sorry!

But how about your relationship? What actions are you taking to improve communication?

There are endless fantastic resources online

Yes, thank you

Op you sound ground down. But more than that, you’re starting to sound like a martyr and, once you’ve gone down that path, it’s hard to return.

Lots of advice and suggestions On this thread, all of which you’ve dismissed, many for very spurious reasons.

Can I also say that, in many ways it does get easier once you’re through the baby / toddler stage but then there are new challenges and calls in your time. By which time it’ll be far too late for your DH to change and you’ll be either burnt out or burning with resentment. And deeply Unhappy.

Yes, I know, I’ve been repeatedly told I’m a martyr.

For?

Cooking for my kids and asking DH to stay with them

Eating with them and DH vanishes

Staying with them while they’re in the bath.

I mean, yeah, okay, I’m a martyr then, because I’m not going to walk off and leave them with no adult in the vicinity when they’re eating or having a bath.

It’s already too late for change. I’m not posting for change. I was posting because I was a bit fed up and annoyed last night.

The thing is @towardstheocean if you don't agree any of the suggestions will work for you, you don't want to explore through therapy,marriage counselling or leave the marriage then surely the answer is simply acceptance.
Endless complaining is like drinking poison and expecting others to die.
They won't
You say you aren't miserable so why are you complaining then?
Just accept this is how he is

Well yes, I completely agree. And yet acceptance doesn’t mean you can’t get annoyed or aggravated by things, surely?

I get it’s frustrating but four long years of trying to point out to DH how unequal things are haven’t worked and so then what do you do?

You accept that he would rather you do the bulk of the work, and that he doesn't care how that makes you feel?

What are his good points as a husband and father?

This. I have ADHD and a tendency to wander off and get absorbed in things. But, as a single parent to five kids, I bloody well HAD to learn to apply myself. Yes, you can't just talk yourself out of ADHD and similar, but if the alternative is to have your kids removed from your care - you do. You just do.

Well no that's the point of acceptance, you accept it and find ways to make the situation easier.
Getting annoyed or aggravated isn't acceptance.
Acceptance is making peace with the situation.
Otherwise your life will be one of continuing annoyance and aggravation on a daily basis.
It destroys trust, love and leads to resentment and bitterness .

You know that I don’t mean that at all op.

I mean the putting up with this clearly unfair, exhausting and frustrating mismatch in work loads because you’re A Mother and a saint and the kids need you and only you. Nobody’s saying the kids shouldn’t get fed, of course not. I’m not sure where you’ve got that from. Just that it shouldn’t always be you.

You say you’ve accepted it. But clearly you haven’t because here are moaning about it and getting snippy with people offering advice on how to change things. You refuse to change anything because well, who knows 🤷‍♀️ You secretly enjoy the martyred feeling? You believe that only you can parent properly? You enjoy the idea that the kids need you and love you more? I have no idea.

And it won’t get better, believe me. These roles will become more and more Ingrained as the years go on.

I think what I’m most upset about is that what I need is not people telling me what to do, that I’m doing it all wrong, that I’m the problem, it’s that I needed to let it out a bit that I’m finding it hard and I can’t talk to DH about it and I don’t have any other support to speak of.

Even now he took the older one out - great. Except then he decided to get the car washed and he’s so late and my other child is hungry and exhausted. Whole evening thrown into chaos, but he won’t see any of that. And I can’t talk about it here either.

Why can't you talk to him?
Is he aggressive?

If he did all of this as a single parent, children would be removed due to neglect.

But why can’t you talk to him?

feed DC2 and leave him to sort DC1’s tea when he gets home.

you seem determined to make things difficult for yourself / act the martyr.

Another way to concentrate the mind is to consider whether you’d be accepted as foster parents. I’m not suggesting you’d want to be foster parents but imagine the scenario - you apply to be foster parents, go through the selection process and they say they can’t accept you because your DP would be neglectful. It’s an uncomfortable thought.

See you're still complaining - you've said you need to accept it because you're not willing to change anything...so you need to stop complaining 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeah, it’s my thread. Just hide it if you don’t want me to complain.

Complain all you like, just don't get arsey when people try to offer suggestions.

I don’t think I’ve got arsey. I have been annoyed at the accusations it’s my fault or that I’ve caused it or through my own behaviour have made it worse which I think is reasonable. I also think it’s reasonable to point out that some things come under the heading of insoluble problems.

Yes basically this.

You think it's insurmountable, but it isn't. You just aren't willing to take the steps that others would to make their partners step up and listen. The problem could relatively easily be solved by you going away for a weekend and giving him a dose of reality.

There's a point of martyrdom where you have to put up and shut up.

I won't give solidarity to women in a shit situation and make them think they don't have the power to change their situation, especially when they do.

Herc, easily solved you say?

Where will I go? How do I afford it? Then I come back and everything carries on as it ever did 😂

No one is getting arsey. ‘I’m sorry, that doesn’t work’ isn’t being arsey.