DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

Go and stay with a friend/relative, no cost involved.

When you come back he's realised how much you do.

Best thing I did was H having shared parental leave. He said his eyes were opened.

So @towardstheocean today just feed the younger child and you. Make something that can be covered and left for DH and older child for when they return. Give yourself a break.

I don’t have any who would have me for a weekend and at the risk of being argumentative petrol isn’t free!

Anyway, it’s not like I’d come back and DH would say ‘wow! You do so much. I’ll never walk out of the dining room again after dinner.’

Anyone can manage for a weekend (he’d probably go to his parents anyway!) it’s the long term grind that’s harder.

@towardstheocean

Does he become aggressive If you try to talk to him ?

What's wrong with my suggestion then, OP? Feed DC2, he can feed DC1 when he gets home.

I’ll never walk out of the dining room again after dinner.’
What happens if you say
"Can you help me sort out bath/ bedtime' before he walks out?

He wouldn’t say no but he generally vanishes without me noticing.

I couldn’t - I was waiting on him bringing the food.

I think this is really common. There's so many threads about it. Men find many ways to avoid the daily grind - golf, cycling, fishing, gardening, footie. I think most hobbies are designed to get men out the house for many hours at a time. Then they feel the need to disappear at home too - usually when things need doing.

Obviously NAMALT. But there's so many threads about men protecting their free time it must be fairly common.

Of course, of course there was a reason why not! You had nothing in the house at all to feed the baby?

When he is around at lunch, what happens if you say "don't leave until I've finished cooking and we've all eaten?"

You are having dinner and he just disappears?
Surely whilst you are eating you can say you need him to do the bath etc?

I don't think you're a martyr op.

You're just keeping shit together!

I may have to start that but I can’t predict every instance, as I’m sure you can appreciate. It also feels most unpleasant, although I may have no option.

That’s how I see it!

This is why I've asked you twice now if he's aggressive.
If it's unpleasant because he shouts at you then he's abusive
If you just think expressing your needs to your partner is unpleasant then there is an element of something making you avoid healthy communication in this relationship

Nothing suitable for a meal. I did consider giving her toast or something but I do feel better if they’ve had a ‘proper’ meal.

You say ‘of course’ which I presume is a bit sarcastic but in fact isn’t wrong. Of course - not because ‘oh of course, the OP is so difficult, of course there’s a reason she didn’t follow my sensible suggestion. More that I’m not stupid and if there was a sensible and practical solution I’d have thought of it . But the point is - DH doing what he wants. Car needs a clean? Sure, never mind that actually I need you home. Something needs sorting in the garden? Go and do it.

Its a sort of attitudinal problem which is why the specific advice doesn’t work so well because it’s an attitude rather than an action.

And no, he isn’t aggressive. I’ve missed things on the thread, mea culpa.

Omg surely you would give your small child some toast than have them upset and hungry!
That's making yourself a victim of circumstances you have created and very passive aggressive indeed.

Ok that's good
Well then if you find simply expressing what you need unpleasant then it shows a deep seated tendency.
My DH would have got both barrels by now

And wouldn't it make the point in precisely the way you want - 'oh, thanks for bringing the food, DH, unfortunately it was so late in arriving that I've already fed Child X and put them to bed.'

Shows him that there are consequences to him pratting about. And also that you aren't prepared to wait for him forever.

Clearly nothing is going to help so I will toddle off.
Complaining threads are just attention seeking if one doesn't want to learn and change.

@PayYourselfFirst - had I known just how far away he was then yes, probably. As it is she’s eaten now and is now in the bath.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat why would that ‘punish’ him in any way?

Telling the man you’re married to he is not to get up and leave the room until everyone has finished or whatever is so … unsexy for want of a better word. And the thing is it misses the point. No one minds him leaving but it’s the lack of communication or forethought.

’I need to do this in the garden, is this a good moment?’
’can you leave it twenty minutes until they’ve both finished and I’ve cleared up?’

Thats all I’m asking, and it’s why the timings of the disappearing act aren’t key. There are times when it’s fine for him to vanish during dinner, and times that aren’t.

I did actually just try to broach it again and got nowhere as I knew I wouldn’t but I am trying - but if someone isn’t taking it on, what can you do? Yes, leaving is an option but I feel that’s not right for me or the children to be honest, so then what? Nothing much.

When you consistently give him full responsibility of the kids he will become more competent and they will connect and learn to enjoy time together. Go to a friends/relatives for a day. Lock yourself in the bedroom for a nap on a Saturday. Making yourself permanently available is a choice. You are not passive in this. It’s not about ‘blame’ or ‘fault’. It’s about responsibility. Yes he’s rubbish, but you can’t change his actions, you can only change your own and hope that it has an effect on his behavior, which is why everyone is focusing on what you can do.

You came here to normalize your terrible home dynamic and seek comfort from knowing others suffer in this same way, because that is less uncomfortable than looking inwards and examining your own part in this. There’s a tonne of compassion and sympathy on this thread, but as PP say, people here aren’t willing to normalize the oppression of women. You tell yourself you are doing all the right things by over contributing and are too defensive to recognize your role in de-skilling your DH and enabling his behavior.

My guess is that at some point in your childhood, you were let down, perhaps felt powerless and learned to cope however you could - not your fault, you were a child. You formed tendencies to be controlling, defensive and avoidant - patterns are no longer serving you but they will pervade until you are willing to reflect and forgive yourself.

The only thing you can change is yourself and your reactions.

If you feel attacked, it may feel challenging to hear what another person has to say while keeping an open mind. Instead, your first impulse may be to defend yourself, or you may try to turn the tables by pointing out flaws in the other person's behavior. By the end of the conversation, it is possible that no one feels heard and a misunderstanding could have occurred.

Tough conversations happen and criticism can feel painful when it comes from the people you feel closest to and even when someone has positive intentions. Becoming defensive is a common reaction to have when you feel like you are being attacked or have no power in a conversation. A defensive reaction may keep you closed off from building supportive relationships with someone else. Learning to spot when you and others act with defensiveness may be valuable in learning to have better conversations that result in solutions instead of circular arguments.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/insight-is-2020/202109/why-some-people-are-so-defensive?amp

This podcast is very good for listening to, whilst you lock the door, sort laundry and tell your family you are unavailable for an hour:

Self-Care for Extremely Busy Women

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1IQ1DGxa8tDXgTmJGzeW89?si=rAh_syVJQ4e6_PTJXGBR7Q

Your kids do as you do, not as you say, so what will you model to them?

Good luck!

@WallabyJob sometimes I do. It isn’t that he isn’t responsible for them when I’m not there; he does things I wouldn’t but whatever really - it’s the fact that when we’re both there they are my sole responsibility apparently. And I can’t vanish every weekend (nor do I want to.)