DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

You seem to think the options are 1. This misery or 2. splitting up?

Do you think there might be a 3rd option which involves you setting boundaries?

No, because I have tried.

(it isn’t misery by the way. Exasperation would be a more appropriate adjective.)

Why did you post?

Why not tell him?? But properly, as in im at at the point of leaving you. If he vanishes then shout up to him! Or text him! Or phone him. It's not hard. You don't need to put up with it. Don't let your kids grow up seeing women as walk overs. You can do it 💪

At the time I was annoyed and I wanted to vent about it. I had a handful of ‘god me too and it drives me fucking insane as well’ type responses which actually were quite helpful in terms of just getting things off your chest.

@Sharkattack1888 I’m not at the point of leaving him.

It's usually so that the Op with a useless DH can argue and misdirect their anger towards posters who make sensible suggestions.
They the defend their DH and life continues,as before
Until the next time ...

You can't magically turn him into a better partner and parent, so you have to let organisation do the heavy lifting. Rota everything. Block out reasonable work hours, and half of everything else house and child is his. His to be available for, his to plan for, his to show up for, his to actually do, his to redirect the children to.

First though, you need to have the conversation(s) where you put your foot down, lay out the problem, and agree the plan.

Of course it won't be fun at first, it will feel awkward, artificial, like it would be easier to just do it yourself. Expect a fuckton of weaponised incompetence. Stick with it - until he becomes the equal parent, until the kids are used to the check-rota-and-redirect, until they go to him first half the time. Maybe he'll even get the idea and start showing up to parent spontaneously.

If you want to have times when it's all hand on deck, both of you available, then rota that too. And make sure you block out times that are just yours, for work or play, where he is solely responsible for long stretches of time. The sooner he's sole parent for a week, the faster he and the kids will catch on.

(Alternatively: you chose a lemon, LTB and find someone who actually shows up to co-parent with.)

If that is how things have come across I am really sorry. I am frustrated with DH, very tired and run down, have two very demanding children due to their ages, a very demanding job which I’m still adapting to after my second maternity leave as numerous things have changed and generally am not in a great place.

Being criticised endlessly on here when I haven’t done anything to warrant it is upsetting and I can’t deny that. The suggestions may appear sensible but I do think when someone has repeatedly said why something is impractical or not what they are about respecting that is best for everybody.

I don’t want or need to be running out of the house in pursuit of hobbies or interests at this stage. That will come but it is a whole off yet. It just is. DH wouldn’t have any problem with holding the fort so to speak while I go to get my hair done or legs waxed or whatever. But what I’m grumbling about is the tendency to leave me to it even when we should be both there and mucking in.

It is a grumble, a moan, a whinge but during the course of the thread it takes a life of its own and I need counselling, divorce is on the cards, how is my pension and really just leave and that’s really not what I’m about here.

DH wouldn’t have any problem with holding the fort so to speak while I go to get my hair done or legs waxed or whatever.

OK, so how do you get that arranged when you do it? Cos it makes sense to me to apply that successful strategy to the other times/situations when you want him to step up. Do you tell him in advance? Tell him the day before? Put it in his calendar?.. What works with him?

@000EverybodyLovesTheSunshine000 send him a text right now!! no idea where you are but get your arse into the kitchen and help me get the tea ready right now!!! no walking out the house without asking if you need him first! he has to pull his socks up!

So are you happy to stay miserable, probably resenting him more and more as time goes on?

OP there was a comment earlier by someone who said her DH was like that and she realised he had ADHD when her DS was diagnosed. This is probably the case for your husband too (I speak from experience ). If he does then half the suggestions from people with neurotypical DH are not
going to be very helpful. Sitting him down and telling him not to wander off will probably make very little difference. He’ll probably forget what you told
him or explain how something more urgent came up. It’s not easy to change someone like that. You could try giving him specific tasks (like cooking dinner one day) but
you have to be prepared for the fact it will take much longer than if you just did it yourself and your children might get tired and grumpy whilst waiting for tea. Personally as I’m a very efficient person I prefer to just do it all myself rather than experience the pain of watching him do it. It very much depends on the characters of the two people in the relationship I think as to which path you choose.

I am happy to stay as I am because I am not miserable. That is your extrapolation and one I can’t take responsibility for. I have complained about one specific aspect of my life I find infuriating / irritating / annoying. Ending the marriage on this basis would be madness.

I have wondered about ADHD or something else. His dad is exactly the same. When something is in their head you just can’t stop them going on about it or doing it or fixing it . But the criteria seems to be so wide that for all I know I have it too.

How hard is it so say right do you want to cook dinner or watch the DC and I cook, you do bath time, I’ll do bed time etc?

Perhaps he has poor executive function, but he is an adult with children. He could at least be honest with you about it rather than gaslighting you when you bring it up.

It isn’t @WhitneyBaby , but it overlooks a few things I’ve explained here already, like the fact that DH doesn’t cook due to food aversions, and that he walks off when they are in the bath.

So it isn’t hard to say it but if the person you say it too ignores it, either purposefully or otherwise, the end result is the same. I can’t be clearer, I don’t think 🤷‍♀️

We’re both not great with perceived criticism from the other. And I do recognise that.

What work have you done on overcoming this?

E.g researching communication strategies like using ‘I’ statements (‘I feel X when you Y’, rather than ‘you always…’)

or, dare I say it again…. Psychotherapy to discover why you are so defensive

It isn’t , but it overlooks a few things I’ve explained here already, like the fact that DH doesn’t cook due to food aversions, and that he walks off when they are in the bath
So you ask the same question and as he doesn’t cook he has the DC.

Oh I do get defensive when I feel criticised (although I don’t think ‘feel’ is apt here!) especially when I’m literally the one doing the right things if you like.

I am afraid I’m not interested in therapy, I’m sorry, I know that can be a minority view but I’m not, and even if I was I don’t have time and we can’t afford it.

Yes @WhitneyBaby and then walks off somewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

I mean, if it was as simple as ‘DH, can you just keep an eye on them while I make the dinner?’ and he did, do you really think I’d be posting!? 😂

You say you are ‘not miserable’…. But you also say you are generally ‘not in a great place’

How are you with self-compassion? Assertiveness is an act of self-care. You deserve to get this sorted and live a resentment-free life. If you’re not there yet at priotising yourself, do it for your children. How do you feel about them replicating this dynamic in their future relationships? About having no connection to their father?

I mean, if it was as simple as ‘DH, can you just keep an eye on them while I make the dinner?’ and he did, do you really think I’d be posting!?

But what if you’re not there? Why can’t you lock yourself in the bathroom with headphones on while he puts something he is not averse to in the oven? Is he that
useless that the children would be unsafe? If so, LTB. If not, you have an issue with control and are unwilling to accept your role in relinquishing control and throwing him in at the deep end.

I’m dealing with a lot. I don’t think that’s the same as being miserable.

@WallabyJob yes, I suppose I technically could do that - but why? Locking myself in the bathroom with headphones just seems a bit mad to me TBH.

The fact he doesn't is shady as fuck and actually worth leaving him over.

What else does he ignore you over?