Thinking of leaving my lawyer wife

[ExasperatedHusband]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, or any forum for that matter. I’d like to get a female opinion on the state of my relationship with my wife.

My wife is a successful lawyer and we have been together for 20 years now. I have my own small business.

Very sadly I have become deeply unhappy in our marriage in the last few years. The main issue is the endless number of compromises that I have made in order to support her career.

I’ve seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything. My wife is writing work emails before she even gets out of bed and the same at night before bed. The hours are gruelling and relentless, with there always being some new project that requires all hands on deck. There’s always talk of a time in the future when things will be better, but that date just keeps getting pushed further and further back. Weekday evenings are a write-off and at weekends she’s often exhausted from the week, if not still working. We never actually do anything except for the occasional holiday.

Meanwhile I pick up absolutely everything in our home life. This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. Then there’s all the day-to-day stuff of shopping, cooking, bills, renovations. I do pretty much everything. I am not exaggerating and she agrees that I do the vast majority of these things.

I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity. There are several other times that I have had to make similar compromises. Meanwhile my wife would refuse to take even half-day off to deal with some domestic issue. Her work always comes first no matter what.

One of the lowest points was when I had to have a minor surgical procedure. She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.

Financially I am comfortable, but she does earn significantly more than me these days as her career has progressed. This means that she will contribute more than me towards our household costs and holidays. I couldn’t care less about the money and would rather we lived a balanced, modest and happy life together.

I’ve been unwaveringly loyal to her throughout our relationship and believe that has been so to me.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited. I now feel that a more balanced life, hopefully away from the city, may well never actually happen.

The worst part is that I do all of this because I love her and I want to support her and see her thrive. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as it would make the decision to leave so easy.

I have voiced my frustrations to her, generally calmly, although there have been times when I’ve felt so exasperated that it’s been an argument. She always gets very defensive and says that I don’t appreciate her and don't appreciate the things that she does do for me (for example, she does sometimes cook).

If I talk about some of the things that I want to do and prioritise then she would simply tell me to go and do them then. Perhaps she is right, but what I really want is for her to be willing to compromise for me sometimes.

I know there’s always two sides to every relationship, but I’ve tried to lay it out factually here and I don’t think she would dispute what I’ve written.

Sadly I am now very seriously considering leaving her. My plan would be to refocus on my own needs and start living the type of life that I want rather than that all being at some vague point in the future that never arrives. I love her and I worry that I would regret the decision down the line, but at the same time I’ve compromised for so long I just don’t know if I can take it any more.

Any female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be brutal if you think I’ve got it wrong. I need honesty.

@ExasperatedHusband yes there are other complex situations on these boards but that's entirely irrelevant, you cannot compare apples to footstools.

You should never feel that just because you didn't get beaten up or cheated on etc that your situation is in some way lesser than someone elses. Neglect is also an abuse, it makes people ill and feel absolutely appalling, there is no shame in feeling taken for granted, lonely, or unloved, there is no hierachy of abuses. Abuse is abuse whether intended or not they are all bad. Feeling unloved and alone is a big killer in the UK, it's not a small issue at all.

Like @Faldodiddledee I'm also a workaholic type, my GP used to get quite exasperated with me over it. When she told me it would likely be the cause of an early death I had to step away and take a long look at my lifestyle. I'm not perfect but I make better choices now. Relationships take time and nurturing, always, no job is worth losing the love of your closest family. But if we choose job over relationship most of the time, we don't deserve to keep their love either especially when they keep telling us what the issue is and we keep making empty promises. That latter part is a type of future faking, that too is abusive however well intended.

@Joyfulincolour and others have given some really good advice here. I hope you and your DW work out the best thing for you both, whatever that is.

Oh come on. He's already said there was structural damage and litigation. Either of those things would be vastly time consuming, both together would be hideous.
Any excuse to bash a man, eh?

@ExasperatedHusband Sadly those traits have carried through in to her life outside of work. Not just with me but with her friends too.

Some think the demands of work cause people to behave in a certain way at home as well. I'm not so sure. I wonder if the personality was there to begin with; otherwise they themselves would throw in the towel. Lot of people change fields because they find they're not suited to the requirements of the role. Others can switch off when they get home - I was in an office once where I heard someone barking orders, then putting down the phone and cooing to his little one on the other line.

Can I ask – how does she behave when a non-work situation involving third parties comes up eg she’s asked to help a relative out with something at a weekend? Does she prioritise the third party over you then? How about if it clashes with one of her own interests – does she put herself last?

I ask because I’ve seen such situations arise where the person has a ‘duty to others’ personality. Mentally what makes sense to them is that life be about prioritising others, and they basically project the same mentality onto those closest to them too – in those cases it’s kind of evidence of closeness in its way i.e. it’s perfectly natural that [we] put ourselves after [third party’s] needs. She may not be aware of this, and may not even properly understand that you see life completely differently.

That’s basically how workaholism works, I think. Lawyering unfortunately creates infinite scope for it.

In your example of a third party needing help, I think she's pretty reasonable. She would prioritise them if it was serious, but if it wasn't serious and we had something planned then she would try to stick to our commitment. It would be the same if it was one of her own interests. Work would almost always come first though unless the situation was very serious.

I definitely have a natural inclination to try to be a helpful and supportive person. I'm often asked for help from friends, family and neighbours as I seem to be known as someone who is willing to help and is good at sorting stuff out.

Go. Good luck to you.

Certain types of professional responsibilities create perpetual demands. Although I currently hold a corporate director position, I have deliberately chosen not to pursue advancement or lateral career moves, as doing so would infringe upon my personal life, including my relationships. I have implemented measures to insulate my personal life from the potential adverse impact of work-related responsibilities. Nevertheless, this has placed a mark on my career with certain colleagues. I don't care......

All you can do is attempt a conversation but I fear she won't be receptive.

I think Carmelita's advice is sound. Quite simply it seems your wife loves her job more than you, and being unloved is one of the worst things to live with. Look around. Personally I like escorts, but that's just me.

You are desperately unhappy. You’ve told your wife. She hasn’t changed.
Doesn’t that tell you something?
She’s not going to change. You are not her priority.
How many more years are you going to be an afterthought? Five? Ten? Fifteen? Twenty?
Life is passing you by, and before long you’ll be retired with nothing to show for your life.
Wake up!!

If you were to separate, OP, what would you miss about your wife? Do the positives outweigh the negatives?
How would your respective families/ friends react? Might you risk being frozen out? Would it bother you if that happened?
Have you imagined how the day to day of your life would be without your wife in it? Does that look appealing to you?
Will she be shocked if you suggest separating or might she half expect it?
You don't need to respond to these questions but maybe think about them.
You sound lovely , OP, I hope this works out in a way that makes you happier.

I would leave. It sounds like she will not change and you can sort yourself out and have a happier life.
I think though, if you do this, she will want to rekindle the relationship as she realises what she's lost.
If this happens, and you want to try again, be really clear with your ground rules. And be ready to draw the line finally if she doesn't keep to these.
Good luck! I have some experience of a similar situation.

You got married to have a partner,not a sometime wife. I would talk to her about your feelings. They aren't going away and things aren't getting any better so you have some decisions to make. Just know that your feelings aren't wrong or silly.

Was just what I was thinking.

Of course you would. You wouldn't be interested in hearing the husband's side of the story though, would you, if it was a woman writing this?

U sound like a kind and caring guy. The answer to what to do in this situation was eluding me.... because u both love each other.
Then I realised...this story is just the one where one person loves the other more and wants their love, time and affection and isn't getting it.
I think it's quite common to be honest.
My answer to that is stop chasing it. Accept she's going to prioritise her work over you until something in her life makes her reassess. Illness, death of someone close and then she realises why am I giving my whole life to work when it can be over in one minute. No guarantees and all that. But she needs to have that epiphany.
And the reality is that if u do leave her and find someone else. Well hate to be a fun sponge, but there will be different problems because that is life. She isn't an abuser or evil narcissist who is destroying Ur life.a
So my answer to Ur dilemma is, accept it for what it is and get on with building a life that you are happy with. Have friendships, see family, do holidays with or without her. Have hobbies. Plays sport. Do what u enjoy. And just leave her be.
Things aren't great but it's not nice being alone either.
Just my tuppence worth.
Nobody has it perfect or easy.

This

I feel also if this was a woman posting most people would have told her to leave. I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage I deeply regret and not making time for my husband and having a proper relationship was the reason we divorced, I regret it every day. Please talk to your wife and explain how you feel, maybe even taking a break from each other. Sometimes we take for granted the people we love and it’s the only the thought of losing them that makes us realised what we have. Nobody deserves to be unhappy in a relationship.

I would tell her you’re thinking of walking away from the marriage. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Ps from earlier post.
I'd explain to her that the hospital thing was unacceptable to you and that is not to happen again if she wants you to stay.
Know what Ur lines are. That can't be crossed.
And make them clear. If she loves u and respects you and values the marriage she will accommodate them.

Oh come on, read the OP. His wife has been saying for a long time that the hours will get better. You are married to a lawyer; I am a lawyer. We both know the hours don’t get better (unless you make significant changes). You’ve been married for 30years - how long did it take you to realise the hours wouldn’t change (given you’ve said your DH works long hours)? Just because you’ve accepted it, doesn’t mean he should.

If you’re together 20 years and your requests and communications are falling on deaf ears, it’s not likely that she’ll change in the near future. I would think, regardless how much you care for her, that leaving the marriage will give you back your life. This may be a wake-up call for her. She sounds very self involved and doesn’t seem to care about your unhappiness. Good luck.

With no kids, I suggest a trial separation. It sounds more that you begrudge bearing the majority if not all the life chores, which ironically the majority of women do AND hold down a job AND bring up KIDS. You can see the hours she does and yet you begrudge it. That shouts more than the lack of quality time together.

It would be easier if you didn’t love her or even hated her but there is no magic rainbow which will make your life much better post divorce. But equally you will miss the possibility if you stay. Roll the dice and try it.

I am the home maker in our home as my wife works full time in a very high powered job, however I do a lot of things outside the home to give me purpose and make myself happy. As you love your wife I think (before thinking about leaving) you should see if you can get the balance you want for your life. If you are happy and in ‘flow’ as they say then your wife may see things differently. Also make time to spend together with no work distractions. If you find after a while that you are not spending time together and are essentially leading separate lives then you may want to separate officially. Or you might find there is another way of living together where you each have your own interests. Good luck

Very sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know this is easier said than done, but why do you have to leave to live the life you want if you divorce her? Can’t you take time for yourself, scale back on “chores” and do things that make you happy without leaving?

I think just go ahead and leave her. She hasn’t had children because she is career driven and it sounds as though she earns enough to get help with the domestics. I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill in this situation because without children, it is easy to outsource the domestic chores so there is no need for you to get so het up about things. Do whatever feels right for you.