Thinking of leaving my lawyer wife

[ExasperatedHusband]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, or any forum for that matter. I’d like to get a female opinion on the state of my relationship with my wife.

My wife is a successful lawyer and we have been together for 20 years now. I have my own small business.

Very sadly I have become deeply unhappy in our marriage in the last few years. The main issue is the endless number of compromises that I have made in order to support her career.

I’ve seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything. My wife is writing work emails before she even gets out of bed and the same at night before bed. The hours are gruelling and relentless, with there always being some new project that requires all hands on deck. There’s always talk of a time in the future when things will be better, but that date just keeps getting pushed further and further back. Weekday evenings are a write-off and at weekends she’s often exhausted from the week, if not still working. We never actually do anything except for the occasional holiday.

Meanwhile I pick up absolutely everything in our home life. This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. Then there’s all the day-to-day stuff of shopping, cooking, bills, renovations. I do pretty much everything. I am not exaggerating and she agrees that I do the vast majority of these things.

I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity. There are several other times that I have had to make similar compromises. Meanwhile my wife would refuse to take even half-day off to deal with some domestic issue. Her work always comes first no matter what.

One of the lowest points was when I had to have a minor surgical procedure. She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.

Financially I am comfortable, but she does earn significantly more than me these days as her career has progressed. This means that she will contribute more than me towards our household costs and holidays. I couldn’t care less about the money and would rather we lived a balanced, modest and happy life together.

I’ve been unwaveringly loyal to her throughout our relationship and believe that has been so to me.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited. I now feel that a more balanced life, hopefully away from the city, may well never actually happen.

The worst part is that I do all of this because I love her and I want to support her and see her thrive. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as it would make the decision to leave so easy.

I have voiced my frustrations to her, generally calmly, although there have been times when I’ve felt so exasperated that it’s been an argument. She always gets very defensive and says that I don’t appreciate her and don't appreciate the things that she does do for me (for example, she does sometimes cook).

If I talk about some of the things that I want to do and prioritise then she would simply tell me to go and do them then. Perhaps she is right, but what I really want is for her to be willing to compromise for me sometimes.

I know there’s always two sides to every relationship, but I’ve tried to lay it out factually here and I don’t think she would dispute what I’ve written.

Sadly I am now very seriously considering leaving her. My plan would be to refocus on my own needs and start living the type of life that I want rather than that all being at some vague point in the future that never arrives. I love her and I worry that I would regret the decision down the line, but at the same time I’ve compromised for so long I just don’t know if I can take it any more.

Any female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be brutal if you think I’ve got it wrong. I need honesty.

@ExasperatedHusband you have my sympathy, my DH could have written your post, I actually thought it was him when I saw your post. Very similar scenario but children added to the mix too. As others here married to lawyers have said there is a pattern, certain characteristics and a particular effect on home and family life for a lot of lawyers.

I am very aware of it, I would be surprised if your wife isn’t. I wish it wasn’t like this but it just is, and I do fully love my DH and am committed to him and our children but being a lawyer is also a huge part of my life and who I am. I just didn’t really know this would be the reality or what it would mean for my marriage. There are many roles in firms that have less of a burden but not everyone myself included wants to do them, they aren’t the roles we have worked hard for for years so we continue to try to find a way to make it work whilst having the more full on and involved roles.

For me, and to give perspective as the lawyer wife, its not something I saw coming or realised life would be like when I started out, it just snowballs and takes over. You work so hard but you’re also well aware of it taking over and the effect it’s having but just can’t stop it. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve said it will get better soon, ease off soon, just got to finish this deal or get to x month etc. I genuinely mean and believe it when I say it, but it never comes true, something else always happens or crops up, and that may sound like firms are piling on the pressure unfairly but it’s not really when it’s actually that many lawyers themselves strive on it and it’s there and available so it just repeats. I so desperately wanted to be a mum, yet I’ve worked through my children’s birthday parties due to work commitments that I can’t get out of, those times will always haunt me and life shouldn’t be like that but some roles just are.

I know my husband wants to feel like he is my priority more, in my heart he is but I also know that doesn’t show as I’m not available enough to him and that is unfair on him. I also know my children are missing out on me too which breaks my heart.

Speak with your wife, I found it easy to block out and just keep going as things were until I really had to acknowledge the situation. I am trying to take steps to change for the good of my family, she may too - but I also don’t blame you at all for considering leaving.

My friend was a lawyer, a workaholic. Met a man, married and got pregnant it was during maternity leave when she finally had time to think about her lifestyle that she decided to quit. Her boss a director she heard on the grapevine that his fourth wife was leaving him.

It's an all consuming career, spouses and children are left behind.

You can try counselling, get a cleaner, shop online, BUT you will still be alone.

Someone on Mumsnet said once

"The loneliest place is a dead marriage"

Some great posts on this thread!

I am a wife in this situation op and I have opted not to leave because - bottom line - I love my dh because he’s a really great person. Happily, I am also someone who enjoys being alone, but I can imagine it’s very hard if you don’t!

It is very hard always coming second to the job. And we are parents too which was really difficult when he was always travelling. My dh has always tried his best to be part of the family though and actually left a big firm to go independent so that he could combine the two, to a degree.

The hours are just as long and brutal but at least he has slightly more control over them. Even so, the needs of clients rule our lives, at all hours of the day and night, every holiday, every birthday, through illness, every school performance, through family crises, it is relentless, and I totally understand what you are saying about it being never ending.

The second hand stress permeates through the family too and is really hard to tolerate sometimes.

I’ve moved through the period where I expect it to be any different now tbh.

And what’s very hard is how tired and drained they are at weekends and not really with you even in their down time bc they are thinking about a case.

Sometimes it’s like having all the worst bits of marriage and none of the benefits!

However, I do understand that, with the job my dh does, it’s either all in or all out. He can’t do it half arsed. And that means long brutal hours of hard work.

Now dh is very senior with expertise in a particular field, he works as smartly as possible and I think if your wife is in a big firm, and also as a woman in a very competitive male environment, she may find it harder to find ways to prioritise home, as she has to justify her place even more.

Having said all of the above, I did get to the point where I was very unhappy a while back and I put my foot down and we went halves and bought a little get away, where we could eventually retire to, and it’s become a lovely retreat from all of the stress.

It’s also allowed me to practice some long lost hobbies of my own and become involved in the the local community. I am much happier! I feel the balance has been redressed a little as the focus isn’t always now on my dh’s schedule.

And the times my dh and I get to spend there are very special. He now makes a point of coming down for a few days a week and working from there. And I return to our family home regularly too.

Maybe this could be a solution for you and your wife op?

This !

There are a load of messages saying LTB, just in longer words.

I think that you have realised that your unhappy and things have to change. You had to go into hospital. You then had to take a taxi home because she was just to busy in work to collect you. I think up to now you made excuses and meanwhile are doing all the work at home.
You recently stopped working for 3 months to get several problems sorted with your home.

Your wife has made her career her whole life. I think that you need to tell her
that you want to go to counselling as a couple. She either starts to make an effort or you apply for a divorce after getting legal advice. To me a marriage requires that both people are willing to work on it and it not that one person does all the giving when the other person just keeps taking.

You really get it and everything you say is true. She has had to work incredibly hard to get to where she is. Much harder than a man would have had. I massively admire what she has managed to achieve against tough odds.

Exactly as you say, the only way she has been able to achieve this is by being tough and unemotional at work. The higher she’s risen, the tougher she’s had to be. Sadly those traits have carried through in to her life outside of work. Not just with me but with her friends too.

It’s very helpful to hear from the other side of this situation. You sound very similar to my wife. I believe she does genuinely think things will get better but then of course something new comes up and it never does.

Sadly you do get tougher, the only way to avoid that is to quit.

Our lawyer specialising in trusts has gone self employed, ditto our accountant. Both female in their forties. Both very clever women. Hopefully they'll be able to manage their time better now they can pick and choose their clients.

Another lawyer I know who quit earns more now from what originally was a hobby . She works from home. I think if you're really clever, work very hard but smart you can change course as these three women did.

I can imagine. It’s a really cruel thing to do, I couldn’t think of a non-life threatening reason why I wouldn’t collect my partner in such circumstances. Work is not an excuse, that would definitely mark the end for me as it shows an overwhelming lack of care.

I left my exH who made me feel unloved and not like a priority to him. It was tough to make the decision but it allowed me to heal and to love myself. 6 yrs on I’m with a man who adores me. If you are long term unhappy, you’ve raised it, you don’t see her trying then I’d leave and build a new life for yourself!

Op I could be wrong but it sounds to me from your responses that your feet are almost fully out of the door.

Maybe have a think in your own mind what changes your wife would have to make in order to persuade you that it’s worthwhile to stay, and unlike most of the men who feature on Mumsnet who leave without a word, please talk to your wife. Don’t just present your departure as a fait accompli. Please read her some of this thread to her and have a proper discussion.

Good luck!

She may love you @ExasperatedHusband, but you'll never be her top priority. She has demonstrated that beautifully.

I don't know how old you are, if you want children, if you want long term partnership/companisionship - but if you do, I don't think you'll find it with your wife.

Mmm I'm married to a lawyer, I'm a non lawyer but we did meet at work. I've always said if I hadn't worked in the industry we would be divorced as they are definitely a certain breed!
He is all consumed with work which was really hard in the early years with small children, but we're now reaping the benefits. Kids are pre teens we have a lovely house and have fab holidays where, yes, he does still check emails but we have an agreement about the time of day he does that and it works for us as a family.
I had a health scare a few years ago and I understand you feel really let down when she didn't collect you from hospital, that I think you need to work through with her and set out any expectations for if you need help again, sometimes they just need telling in black and white. Especially as they see us as the really capable ones spinning all the plates at home.
We made the decision at the beginning of this year for me to stop working. It's not for everyone. I'm in charge of most things at home and sorting the kids (but I was probably doing 95%) of it before anyway. I've definitely regained more me time, doing lots of things I want to do, am more available for the kids and me and DH are attempting to make more time for each other. For example, he's had a manic week so he WFH yesterday and we popped out for lunch.
I think you need to think about what you really want and then speak to her about how you can take things forward.

Just leave if you are not happy in the relationship.

Life is short.

"I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity."

Yep, @ExasperatedHusband lawyering is hard work, isn't it? You had to put your life and work on hold for six months to do litigation.

I'm in agreement with everything @dementedmummy says and your DW isn't going to voluntarily change her way of working, any hint of her reducing her hours, workload or responsibilities will, be seen as a sign of weakness. It's cut-throat.

What are the chances of her planning early retirement? Burnout is a real thing.

No way to live

I am really uncomfortable with the idea that she should be expected to give up/reduce her career for a man. Especially when there are no kids to consider. If she did, don’t you think she would be miserable in a lower-level job? The examples given where women have changed career, it presumably came from them, not because someone else gave them an ultimatum. She would probably resent you massively. There really are no good/easy solutions.

Talking about the lack of kids - was that because neither of you wanted kids, or is it because she was too wedded to her career? Just out of interest.

Also, how old are you both? I think my view would be different if you’re both mid fifties than if you’re early forties.

Whether or not the OP's spouse has had to work twice as hard as a man to get where she is, and I'm sure she has, is irrelevant.

The fact is that his life is speeding by without a present partner. Believe me, the years between 40 and 60 go by so much faster than one expects, and the next thing you know it's nearly all over.

If living companionably day to day with a loving partner is what he wants in life, he is not going to get that in the present circumstances. He can stay friends with her, while finding happiness elsewhere. He's more than just an appendage to her busy life.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar:
"I am really uncomfortable with the idea that she should be expected to give up/reduce her career for a man."

I don't think anyone is suggesting that she should give up or reduce her career. What most of us are saying is that if she considers her career more important than being present in a relationship, and that the OP wants a fulfilling and present relationship experience, then he should leave her and pursue happiness in the appropriate form where it exists. She is clearly doing what she wants so he should too. If the both of them pursuing their own version of happiness is incompatible with them being in a relationship with one another, then so be it.

I'm sorry @ExasperatedHusband that you are experiencing this. I would draw up a plan:
*set a timeline of 6 or 12 months so this does not run on indefinitely
*arrange for counselling for yourself but check if the counsellor can accommodate couples counselling if your wife chooses to join at some point
*if at all possible, can you go away for a week with your wife to spend some time together? How do holidays play out? Is she able to switch off & be present or does work still distract her?
*whilst on holiday I would tell your wife what you've told us - you still love her, but ask her if she feels the relationship is worth fighting for? Lay out your side of the story & ask her to do the same, but say you're both not going to be blaming each other, but are looking to see what can be salvaged & decide if you both want to. Say you've set up counselling for yourself & tell her the date/time so she knows it's actually happening. This is you showing that you are committed to trying to make this work & so you don't have any regrets further down the line.
*In this discussion, I would say you both state/write down what's important to each of you. Even if it's statements like: "I feel loved when you...." and conversely, "I find it difficult when..."
You might think back to how you were when you first met. What did you do together, did you have more free time, could you replicate any of that or time block certain weekends to be together. You both (especially your wife) need to be honest here. Is she choosing work as an escape from homelife or does she genuinely feel that her work requires this level of intensity 100% of the time, in order to keep on top? Ask her if she is happy in her home and work life. What changes would she make in an ideal world? The reality for your wife is that if you did split up, she would possibly struggle to find time to meet new people & start a new relationship. It could also end quickly if she can't invest time into it, like she's struggling to now.
*for you now, it would also be worth you looking at interests/hobbies/activities without your wife, so that if the marriage does not continue, you have started to build connections with people/communities outside of your relationship. You might also find support in these communities whilst you're going through this process.
If you feel able, let us know how you get on @ExasperatedHusband . Take care of yourself.

"She is clearly doing what she wants so he should too. "

Well said!!

Thank you so much @Joyfulincolour for your thoughtful and realistic suggestion. Whilst I've had many very useful suggestions in the replies, yours is the most helpful. You seem to have grasped the situation entirely.

Mumsnet is hardly somewhere that I hang out and I only stumbled across the forum because I was googling relationship issues with lawyer spouses. It turns out Mumsnet is full of stories of women suffering in a similar way.

Now that I'm here I see that so much of this forum is filled with stories about cheating, laziness, money, abuse or even violence. That alone has helped to put my relationship into perspective.

Our situation is nothing like that with none of those issues being present. Fundamentally we love each other, but her job is completely out of control and it pushes me into the never-ending support role. Whilst I want to support her and never need to be asked to, it has gone on for so long that I have badly neglected myself and become very resentful.

I am quite ambitious myself having built and sold a number of businesses in the past, but running a business is a completely different dynamic to a corporate job, with a different type of pressure. It allows me to be more flexible with my time, but can still be very demanding at times. It puts me in a different situation to some of the others on here as I'm financially more than self-sufficient. The difference has been that her income has allowed for a bigger house and more expensive holidays, but I actually don't care much about those things and like the simple life. I appreciate that there are plenty of women out there in the reverse situation who have sacrificed successful careers and ambition to take on the support role.

Your suggestion of trying to work through what we each want on holiday makes sense as when she is in work mode she becomes very defensive if I raise my concerns. Also my booking of a firm appointment for counselling for myself shows that I want to try to resolve this issue like adults, which I genuinely do.

Thanks again for a very helpful suggested way forwards. I will remember to come back to this forum in the future with an update about what happens.

I am a workaholic type myself and I married one and both of us had to consciously step back from this at different times otherwise the marriage would not have survived.

One thing I don't get is- why are lawyers jobs set up this way? I mean, it's not very effective to get clever people to work 60-100 hours a week, burn their marriages and lives to the ground, and concentrate expertise in such a few hands. It's a weird way to run a business. Mistakes are made by tired burned out people. It seems to be accepted as 'that's the culture' and you either do it or you don't, but it is strange that everyone agrees it's crap but continues.

I have a bit of a theory which is some people like living like this- it's probably more fun at times than rushing home to put the kids to bed or do the housework, so subconsciously, it's a choice. Academics are a bit like this, some, particularly male academics, claim to be so busy they can't possibly do any housework or look after the kids and require long nights alone in their studies. Now more women are rising up the ranks, some of these things are proving to be untrue, as mostly women academics juggle work and home. Either way, sensible people question whether living in these ridiculous cultures is sustainable, either at a systemic level or at a personal level. I mean, who wants to sacrifice their entire life to someone else's law career- it's not a very valuable way to spend your one life on this earth.

I might feel slightly differently if your wife's workaholic ways were the only way that you could live the life you wanted, with children or with family, and that her work life enabled that, which is the case for a lot of women on here who essentially have sacrificed their own careers for the good of their families, not themselves, but I'm not seeing that here.

You are a valuable person in your own right, and I think it's fine to question whether you carrying on like this is how you want to spend your time. I also think she may not realise you are planning to leave her over this, has become caught up in the lawyer cultures, and may be horrified by what might happen, so give her a chance to think about things, you to think about things, and it may still yet all come right.