Thinking of leaving my lawyer wife

[ExasperatedHusband]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, or any forum for that matter. I’d like to get a female opinion on the state of my relationship with my wife.

My wife is a successful lawyer and we have been together for 20 years now. I have my own small business.

Very sadly I have become deeply unhappy in our marriage in the last few years. The main issue is the endless number of compromises that I have made in order to support her career.

I’ve seen other threads on Mumsnet from wives that are in the same situation but with a lawyer husband. They fully understand how work takes priority over everything. My wife is writing work emails before she even gets out of bed and the same at night before bed. The hours are gruelling and relentless, with there always being some new project that requires all hands on deck. There’s always talk of a time in the future when things will be better, but that date just keeps getting pushed further and further back. Weekday evenings are a write-off and at weekends she’s often exhausted from the week, if not still working. We never actually do anything except for the occasional holiday.

Meanwhile I pick up absolutely everything in our home life. This has included some very significant problems at our house related to structural damage and litigation with a neighbour, which absorbed an immense amount of my time, whilst my wife, by her own admission “did nothing”. Then there’s all the day-to-day stuff of shopping, cooking, bills, renovations. I do pretty much everything. I am not exaggerating and she agrees that I do the vast majority of these things.

I have made a huge number of sacrifices to do all of this. As just one example I took 6 months out last year to deal with one of the above issues, at great cost to building my business and my sanity. There are several other times that I have had to make similar compromises. Meanwhile my wife would refuse to take even half-day off to deal with some domestic issue. Her work always comes first no matter what.

One of the lowest points was when I had to have a minor surgical procedure. She promised she'd come across to the hospital afterwards, but then of course something came up at work so I discharged myself and got a taxi home.

Financially I am comfortable, but she does earn significantly more than me these days as her career has progressed. This means that she will contribute more than me towards our household costs and holidays. I couldn’t care less about the money and would rather we lived a balanced, modest and happy life together.

I’ve been unwaveringly loyal to her throughout our relationship and believe that has been so to me.

I’ve got to the point now where I’ve compromised my own needs so many times that I just feel completely taken for granted and exploited. I now feel that a more balanced life, hopefully away from the city, may well never actually happen.

The worst part is that I do all of this because I love her and I want to support her and see her thrive. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her as it would make the decision to leave so easy.

I have voiced my frustrations to her, generally calmly, although there have been times when I’ve felt so exasperated that it’s been an argument. She always gets very defensive and says that I don’t appreciate her and don't appreciate the things that she does do for me (for example, she does sometimes cook).

If I talk about some of the things that I want to do and prioritise then she would simply tell me to go and do them then. Perhaps she is right, but what I really want is for her to be willing to compromise for me sometimes.

I know there’s always two sides to every relationship, but I’ve tried to lay it out factually here and I don’t think she would dispute what I’ve written.

Sadly I am now very seriously considering leaving her. My plan would be to refocus on my own needs and start living the type of life that I want rather than that all being at some vague point in the future that never arrives. I love her and I worry that I would regret the decision down the line, but at the same time I’ve compromised for so long I just don’t know if I can take it any more.

Any female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be brutal if you think I’ve got it wrong. I need honesty.

It sounds to me like you really love her but you don’t want to be in THIS relationship with her any more. Could you think about recalibrating the dynamics? Maybe move out (or have her move out) and go back to spending time together when she can make it available , but actually TO spend time together. Do you have to split up? Is my question?

No kids ? Seperate now, you sound incompatible and there's no fix for this.

I'm really sorry that it has come to this. She is not prioritising you or your marriage. The hospital incident is particularly horrendous.

Like others, I imagine that if the sexes were reversed, people would be saying LTB. However, I wonder if you would regret leaving without giving it a last ditch ultimatum. You love her and you still value your relationship, or this wouldn't be a dilemma, you'd have gone already.

i have workaholic tendencies but I definitely love my husband (and children) more than my job. I often work late when my kids are asleep - which is rotten - but my husband and kids come first. My dad was also a lawyer and worked hard, but - apart from a few weeks a year when some deal was going on - he would make it home for bed time (and he dropped us at school as he could be in later than my doctor mum). He achieved this by being a partner in a small firm.

I am imagining your wife works for either one of the magic circle or a big American firm. Would she consider moving to a smaller firm if it were to save the marriage, or would she resent you for that? I am imagining it is unlikely she can switch into a slightly less demanding role?

Ultimatums are difficult. Generally speaking I think they are unfair. But this is a rare occasion where I don't see what else you can do. Obviously a bit of money is nice - good to be comfortable/ secure, lovely not to have to worry when there's way too much month at the end of the money - but the cliche is right: it can't buy happiness. She seems to have forgotten this?

One Question though: Will you really be ok cutting costs / having a more modest lifestyle? In my experience rich people get used to spending / having a certain lifestyle and struggle to reduce their spending / not to want to keep up with the Joneses

Good luck! It takes two people to make a marriage work. She seems checked out; your question is whether she may be willing to check back in, or whether she will pick her job over you again.

Op, leave. No lawyer wife or husband should expect their partner to put up w this. It is v sad as yes, she is probs under pressure to work long hours. In the past the culture was I guess that high up lawyers would kiss goodbye to a good relationship w wives & kids. It should shift, & it's unfair to have that pressure. But otoh she should recognise this is unacceptable for you & not minimise it. She should have thought this over before you got married- did she acknowledge how long her hours would be?

mada, she may enjoy the stimulating work she gets which might be less interesting at a smaller law firm. But if this job demands no home life & she will be unhappy quitting then they aren't compatible & sadly, the solution for OP is probs yo leave.

💐

So sad for you.

Set a leave date before you talk to her or she’ll talk you out if it. Try counselling.

I don't think anything in your relationship seems unfair as such, in terms of what you each bring to your life together, but if the present balance of work/money/time together is making you miserable then it's not unreasonable for you to be considering whether you want to continue in the marriage.

Does she know how close you are to pulling the plug? I think the only way forward is to make it entirely plain that you have one foot out of the door and unless things change you will likely leave. I liked the phrase a pp used about one of you needing to stand up and put the overhead light on in the room.

You need to talk. Myself, I would be wary of counselling in this situation, because any fixed, regular appointment is likely to be problematic for someone as busy professionally as she is, so she will probably dump at least some of the appointments, which will be destructive to any progress you're making. It just feels a bit like setting her up to fail. But you do need to talk properly, and probably many times.

Personally, the hospital thing would not be a dealbreaker for me. You may not like how busy she is with work, but it's not like you didn't know that in her line of work stuff comes up and plans have to be reprioritised. I don't think a taxi home is the end of the world and would probably have planned to get one from the outset if my partner did that kind of job.

It's a shame. You both sound like decent people who love each other, but perhaps you just don't want the same things anymore. I hope you can work it out, and wish you luck either way.

Why? My husband has been a lawyer for over 30 and as a corporate partner does similar hours.

Or you could flip that and say why did he marry a lawyer whose work is important to her. Did he not acknowledge how long her hours would be?

This reads very much so like you have (understandably) checked out. Not picking you up from hospital was a low point.

I think I would prefer to be actually alone over being alone in a relationship.

Maybe float the idea of counselling again. But I think I'd be prepared for at least a separation

Spiralling, there def seems to have been a lack of communication somewhere... He says she keeps saying there'll be less work at 1 point.
Watching this thread w worry as my dream is to be a criminal lawyer but I refuse to be a slave to the job & have no other life. I think they are trying to reform criminal hours now, not sure about corporate. Money never sleeps, I guess.... 🙁

I agree with this, and even more so for a woman. Being a career woman in a typical "mans world", type job means women have to work even harder than normal to make it through the ranks. I have a lot of sympathy with your wife, especially if she would like to have children one day.

Presumably, you knew this was the career she was going into/already in when you married her, so I do feel that you should have been prepared for this lifestyle.

That said, you love each other, you're both financially comfortable, why can't you just enjoy your life a bit more and still stay together? You just need to adjust your mindset. Take up some hobbies, learn to enjoy yourself during your lone time. Try to get more holidays away together just the two of you to reconnect.

There are quite a few careers that are all or nothing, and I do think you need to understand that this is simply the way her line of career is.

Her not coming to hospital is chilling. In your position, I would feel that my spouse didn't rate me as a person, just as a live-in admin.

I would leave. There are no children to consider. She won't change. No point in hanging around all your life hoping she will. If you can't find a way to be happy in the existing set up, leave.

My experience with lawyers is that they do not work that hard at all and often could not care less and also make simple mistakes that affect their clients badly - these would be the middle rank range - not the very top end though such as Linklaters etc. though. !

Look believe me, I spent most of my 30s trying to fix an unhealthy and unhappy marriage, I left my sons at 8 and 11, as he wouldn’t leave me,the other woman his mother! ( yes it wasn’t easy)
Unfortunately you can’t claim adultery to his mother.
Yes I realised on news year eve of 1999, that I was so unhappy I have to leave, to reclaim my life, so glad I did.
If your wife won’t admit she’s addicted to work, it’s almost impossible for you to stay and be happy .
Life is short, I’m currently living with 2nd stage Parkinson’s at 62, having had it for 7 yrs, disabling too.
My ex husband, never emotionally there for me, not great sex wise, life is much better now.
Think about what you really want, great friends can be made, and maybe dating, I’ve been unlucky not to have found another great half.
Cats I can assure you, great company, and be very affectionate.
Good luck

I work almost that hard and I'm fairly sure he is unhappy but we have kids so we'll carry on trying to make it work until hopefully I get made redundant 😫

Sounds really hard but not really a partnership. If she wants to live that way she doesn’t really need a partner or want to build a life together.. You could give her a final ultimatum but maybe you feel you already did that. I think you should leave

If your understanding of your DW is accurate, it sounds as if she just might come to her senses if you were to separate, and realise what she's losing. Equally, she might not, so you'd have to be prepared for that. Perhaps she actually does love her work more than she loves you.

It seems to me that staying is not an option. She is making you unhappy. So if she won't do counselling or it isn't satisfactory, then a separation. If that doesn't work, divorce.

You may not ever find the person who will make you happy. However, being alone must be better than how things are right now. Being left to make your own way home from hospital must have been awful.

I hope you will find a way to happiness. You deserve better.

your in or your out.shes not stopping.so...?make yourseolf happy

Life’s so short I couldn’t waste it with someone stuck at work all the time. They wouldn’t have anything interesting to talk about!

Leave . Life is too short to be unhappy and to come second to a job. Someone will be out there that shares your values. This one doesn’t .

So here's what you don't know about your wife. She has had to work twice or three times as hard as male colleagues to be thought of as half as good. She's had to work all the hours God sends just to achieve a little bit of recognition in the workplace. She will have been passed over for promotion because she might become pregnant. She will have watched female colleagues get passed over for promotionor because they were seen as not committed enough because they were leaving on time to pick up the kids, knowing full well once the kids are in bed, those women are logging back in again to keep working. She has been told she needs to toughen up and show no emotion about anything leading people to assume she is cold and hard when it is just survival. She is one wrong step away from having a complaint lodged against her which could result in adverse publicity and possibly loss of her career. Everything she does is scrutinised- has she completed enough billable hours? Is a client going to complain that work hasn't been done fast enough or that the fee agreed is now too high? Is her clients going to pay on time or is she going to have x amount of bad debt against her name? How can she win new big business when she either can't play golf or gets excluded because it's the old boys club. That she doesn't sleep soundly at night because she is thinking what needs to be done the forthcoming day/week/month and that's She's grateful you are handling life because she has absolutely no heads pace to fight with builders or who ever because she is fighting multiple fights daily that you never see and is exhausted. she is likely working anywhere between 60 - 100 hours a week (particularly if she is in a large firm or working for herself). She will also likely be training at least one trainee solicitor and making sure they dont muck up and the firm gets sued. She may well have her out of office on but still be in work mode because it takes a few days to decompress and leave work behind. If you love her and she loves you, you need to decide if you want to stay married. If you do, book the bloody holidays for you both to far flung places so she has to spend 2 weeks or more away and can decompress. A week won't cut it because the effort and work to get off on holiday for a week isn't worth the effort (to put it in perspective I've been off a week and as of this morning, i had 309 emails to return too, never mind the mail). Book dinner or a night out on a Saturday night so she doesn't need to think about and can relax and enjoy your company. Hire a cleaner, gardener, whatever other help you need so you aren't doing all the house work so what time she has off work, the two of you can do something nice and be connected and you have time to be happy on your own and doing your own thing. Good luck in your decision making

Make an appointment at her office to see you, when you show up, she will ask the question what's going g on ?? Your response should be "it's the only time we have to talk about our future" she either throw you out or actually put the big girls pants on and agree , it's worth a try before you do go at least you tried, good luck

It's not chilling at all. There are many professions where you wouldn't be able to just pop out to give someone a lift home after a minor op.

If she was a heart surgeon, would you expect her to just leave her operating theatre to take her husband home? A teacher, actively teaching her class. A commercial airline pilot, you get the drift...

I had what I thought was minor surgery, but found out later it's classed as major surgery, and my husband couldn't come and get me until he'd finished work for the day, so I waited at the hospital for four hours until he could collect me. I completely understood and had no issue with waiting.

@dementedmummy well said!!