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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating guy whose "wife was shot dead"

511 replies

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 15:37

For a month I've been casually seeing someone.

He is quite hard work in general.

This weekend he told me that his wife was shot and killed in Afghanistan where she was a marine.

Having looked this up...this seems impossible. A tiny number of British female soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and all deaths are documented on the government website and seem widely reported in the media.

It seems this is a very bizarre lie.

Or I'm losing my sanity.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 18:14

Gigihadid · 15/10/2024 17:55

He wouldn’t have blocked you, he’d have found a way to make you feel guilty but persist with his goal in making you “his partner”.

The physical proximity means he could count on seeing me again.

Hoping he doesn't message tonight. If he does will just say I'm working late. I've gone out but not in the village.

OP posts:
crowgift · 15/10/2024 18:15

So I would say: Hearing about the dreadful traumatic death of your wife has brought back the death of a boyfriend (or whatever) which I just can't speak about and I haven't slept since your disclosure. I have been to my GP and will be seeking grief counselling. As I am not over X I am afraid that I am not ready to be in any relationship.

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 18:15

WomenInConstruction · 15/10/2024 17:43

I worked with a fantasist once who claimed he was a fully trained samurai warrior.
I think it was bruised ego from not being a very talented or popular person and I'm sure there were feelings of inadequacy at the root of it.
I felt for him, because no one happy does that. Maybe he'd been taunted for his mediocrity instead of being accepted as a basically nice human.. who knows.
But, you can't get tangled in that messy psychology as you never know how twisted it deep it runs.

Yes. I think this is the case.

But as you say any compassion is misplaced.

He sat there and wiped away my tears when he told me so tenderly.

He is a lunatic.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 15/10/2024 18:16

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 18:14

The physical proximity means he could count on seeing me again.

Hoping he doesn't message tonight. If he does will just say I'm working late. I've gone out but not in the village.

Say your dad's staying over for an indeterminate time?

Clarabell77 · 15/10/2024 18:16

Sorry, I have just read your updates and see you’re already going to bin him.

Just to reassure you. I have met two compulsive liars in my life, told lies that were so obviously lies it was embarrassing. One got a bit dark (lying about a death), but with both of them it was I think attention seeking/validation. They haven’t, to my knowledge, harmed anyone. I suggested watching love rats as so many of them had a bizarre fixation with the forces, they fleeced partners out of lots of money.

thereitgoes · 15/10/2024 18:17

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 18:07

This is brilliant advice.

Sorry for what you went through.

He lives close. Small village. One pub. Its worth me taking 24 hours or so to get this right as I need to cut the dating and friendship off entirely whilst doing it in a way that doesn't provoke him.

I'm also sorry for what this poster went through but I really really don't think this is excellent advice. And I think the fact that this man gets back in touch every year or so proves that.

I see why this response appeals to you because it's comfortable and avoids any awkwardness. Clearly that's something you want very much, which is why you've already allowed this man to encroach on your boundaries. But IMO - sometimes you just have to deal with the awkwardness for the sake of getting your message across clearly.

The main problem I see with this response is that it implies that you would love to be with him if only the circumstances were different. You don't want a fantasist to go away thinking you are star crossed lovers! I think it runs a significant risk of him not hearing your no and trying to convince you or prove himself (particularly because we know the barriers you would state are not real - he probably doesn't have a dead wife so it's no problem that you can't support with that).

Although an absolute oddball and clear controlling tendencies, he hasn't done anything that suggests he is dangerous. I think kind but clear that you are not interested is the way to go here.

oneeggisunoeuf · 15/10/2024 18:18

Dump and block. Maybe flag him to the Walter Mitty Hunter's facebook group re the dead marine wife. They love that sort of thing, and can spot a fantasist a mile off b

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 18:19

Thingamebobwotsit · 15/10/2024 17:22

@Beautifulbouquet please tell me you have someone at home with you? And please check in tomorrow after you have told him. He sounds like he is potentially quite delusional and controlling. Play it very safe for a while.

I will definitely check in. Hate those threads where you never find out what happened.

We have an informal neighbourhood watch so though I'd prefer the whole village doesn't know can speak to Diane if need be.

Lol I'm in the pub in next village. Cheryl Cole fight for this love has just come on😂

OP posts:
ChicOpalSheep · 15/10/2024 18:21

Hi
I hate to ask by goes he go by the name of Granger or Alexis??

Theunamedcat · 15/10/2024 18:22

It would be easy to find her if they were married she would likely have his last name?

Might be worth doing a clares law application just in case he has form for this sort of thing

CecilyP · 15/10/2024 18:24

ShinyShona · 15/10/2024 17:43

He's probably lying but... but...

Everyone here is assuming she was a British marine. US marines were in Afghanistan, something like a tenth of US marines are women and some were killed in the conflict.

But would any of them have married a 16 year old British boy?

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 18:25

thereitgoes · 15/10/2024 18:17

I'm also sorry for what this poster went through but I really really don't think this is excellent advice. And I think the fact that this man gets back in touch every year or so proves that.

I see why this response appeals to you because it's comfortable and avoids any awkwardness. Clearly that's something you want very much, which is why you've already allowed this man to encroach on your boundaries. But IMO - sometimes you just have to deal with the awkwardness for the sake of getting your message across clearly.

The main problem I see with this response is that it implies that you would love to be with him if only the circumstances were different. You don't want a fantasist to go away thinking you are star crossed lovers! I think it runs a significant risk of him not hearing your no and trying to convince you or prove himself (particularly because we know the barriers you would state are not real - he probably doesn't have a dead wife so it's no problem that you can't support with that).

Although an absolute oddball and clear controlling tendencies, he hasn't done anything that suggests he is dangerous. I think kind but clear that you are not interested is the way to go here.

Very wise. At risk of dripfeeding I found about an 8 inch curved knife in his bed.

I joked oh are you going to kill me.

He looked embarrassed was very apologetic and said he didn't feel safe sleeping alone.

And put the knife somewhere else.

So yes I've been stupid and yes I do need you are right to make clear I don't want to be friends and don't want to text

I do need to think for a day or two. I'm not going to do anything tonight or possibly couple or few days.

I'm sad that I've been like this.

Thanks to everyone for being so kind. I'm really struggling to understand how in this entire thing I've been so focused on his needs and suffering.

OP posts:
TheWalkingEyebag · 15/10/2024 18:25

Run for the hills, block him on everything, and get a ring doorbell! I dated one of these in my early 20s. Lied about everything, including his ‘career’ in the marines. He vanished one day when I started trying to catch him out on his lies and thank god he did 😂

S0CKPUPPET · 15/10/2024 18:27

TentEntWenTyfOur · 15/10/2024 16:10

Just say something like you are ever so sorry, but you don't feel ready for a relationship with someone right now, and you don't want to mess him around so you thought it only fair to say so, and all the best, etc.

This. Try to end it in as boring and low key a way as possible. One that makes it all your fault and leaves him believing that he’s great , you don’t want to damage his ego.

” I’m sorry it’s just not the right time for me , I have too much stuff going on getting over the death of my gran last year / my stressful job / . yeah I didn’t tell you about my gran because it’s too painful for me to talk about . It’s a shame because you’re an interesting guy and I’m sure the right person is out there for you “

[ that would be a psychologist / psychiatrist]

Don’t confront him on anything whatsoever. Then lock down your social media and don’t post anything about your social life / dating. Cat photos and sunsets only.

If you met him via online dating you might have to close down your profile for a while as he could stalk you that way.

If you have any identifying information in this thread ( eg if that’s the actual lie he told you ) then ask MN Towers to delete this whole thread. Mn threads are searchable on google .

BabyCloud · 15/10/2024 18:27

This whole thing is insane. It’s only been 4 WEEKS!! Are you saying these things for attention? You found a massive knife in his bed for god sake and are doing nothing about it.

Gettingbysomehow · 15/10/2024 18:27

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 15:48

Thank you so so much.

He has never told me her name. I just can't see that it could be true. Lots of other things he told me also don't seem true (like them phoning him to tell him his wife was dead...that isn't what the army do).

I don't want to confront him as frankly I'm a bit scared....this lie serves no purpose and his psychology is mind-boggling.

I need to end it without letting on I know. I'm now googling other things and there have been other bizarre and easily contradicted lies...such as being a guitarist in a death metal band.

I don't understand if he even was married ...I mean what a bizarre invention.

He's a compulsive liar. They are usually very pathetic specimins.

sunights · 15/10/2024 18:29

As it sounds like OP is worried about his probable reaction to her breaking off contact, I am putting a link to the womens aid survivors forum pqlage about consideration of the domestic violence disclosure scheme survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/clares-law-why-when-to-apply-how-does-it-work/

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/10/2024 18:29

You say it's a small village, has he just recently moved into it ? or you ?

NearingendofMJ · 15/10/2024 18:30

thereitgoes · 15/10/2024 18:17

I'm also sorry for what this poster went through but I really really don't think this is excellent advice. And I think the fact that this man gets back in touch every year or so proves that.

I see why this response appeals to you because it's comfortable and avoids any awkwardness. Clearly that's something you want very much, which is why you've already allowed this man to encroach on your boundaries. But IMO - sometimes you just have to deal with the awkwardness for the sake of getting your message across clearly.

The main problem I see with this response is that it implies that you would love to be with him if only the circumstances were different. You don't want a fantasist to go away thinking you are star crossed lovers! I think it runs a significant risk of him not hearing your no and trying to convince you or prove himself (particularly because we know the barriers you would state are not real - he probably doesn't have a dead wife so it's no problem that you can't support with that).

Although an absolute oddball and clear controlling tendencies, he hasn't done anything that suggests he is dangerous. I think kind but clear that you are not interested is the way to go here.

I think the close proximity of this man to the OP makes it dangerous to be firm and categorical that she doesn’t want to see him again as they aren’t compatible. He creates a persona because he’s inadequate and making him feel more inadequate would potentially be dangerous as they fact he needs to create the story suggests he is ashamed of who he actually is.

In an ideal world, we should all be able to say exactly what we feel. But the OP lives in a small village, and he knows where she lives.

All the security, locks, phone calls to police, blocking and injunctions will not make her feel safe. Reporting him to the police does not make her safe, or feel safe.

Being dead, but having done the correct thing by standing up to him and reporting any subsequent contact, doesn’t make the ops family feel better - or her any less dead.

Yes, I’m being dramatic, but what I’m trying to say is that you’d rather be the woman that he passes by because he knows it’s not worth bothering because he won’t get the attention or admiration from you - but crucially believes you still see him as the ‘war hero’ or whatever persona he is trying to convey.

I’ll put up with once a year text, and me replying ‘so glad things are going well, hope you enjoy the round the world cruise’ or whatever shit he try’s to bait me with, than run the risk of his wrath - which I initially witnessed when I did try to call him out then very quickly changed tactic to take the heat out of it.

This type of man sees it as a challenge if the bullshit is called out. My loser has no interest in me because I don’t make myself interesting by either starting an argument or making myself look like I’m challenging a word he’s saying.

AlertCat · 15/10/2024 18:30

Thanks to everyone for being so kind. I'm really struggling to understand how in this entire thing I've been so focused on his needs and suffering.

As an aside, it’s worth doing some work on this because as a trait it makes you really vulnerable to manipulative characters.

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 18:31

CecilyP · 15/10/2024 18:24

But would any of them have married a 16 year old British boy?

I cannot say 100% that he said she was British but he definitely didn't say she was American. And he has never told me her first name.

I guess I started the thread to see...is there some possibility I'm.missing? But sat here now reflecting on it all...that wasn't the only lie nor does any of it add up.

Even him being in the marines seems improbable.

I think this is a lie he has told a lot to pick up girls.

One night stands.

By the time they Google it he's had what he wanted.

Because it was convincingly done and with details that only when i cross referenced were proven false.

I don't think it's the first time he's told this lie.

And its partly why I don't want to confront him. If he tells the next girl his wife was American she might not have the lucky escape I have.

Thank you Google.

OP posts:
SophiaCohle · 15/10/2024 18:32

Omg, your update about the knife, OP!

ChicOpalSheep · 15/10/2024 18:32

Beautifulbouquet · 15/10/2024 18:25

Very wise. At risk of dripfeeding I found about an 8 inch curved knife in his bed.

I joked oh are you going to kill me.

He looked embarrassed was very apologetic and said he didn't feel safe sleeping alone.

And put the knife somewhere else.

So yes I've been stupid and yes I do need you are right to make clear I don't want to be friends and don't want to text

I do need to think for a day or two. I'm not going to do anything tonight or possibly couple or few days.

I'm sad that I've been like this.

Thanks to everyone for being so kind. I'm really struggling to understand how in this entire thing I've been so focused on his needs and suffering.

Don't be sorry, people like this know how to pull you in.
I have sent you a PM as concerned this could be the same guy I dated. X

DoTheDinosaurStomp · 15/10/2024 18:33

A lot of narcissistic/abusive men are fantasists when it comes to the military; they always have some kind of made up connection. Bin him off.