Dating guy whose "wife was shot dead"

[Beautifulbouquet]

For a month I've been casually seeing someone.

He is quite hard work in general.

This weekend he told me that his wife was shot and killed in Afghanistan where she was a marine.

Having looked this up...this seems impossible. A tiny number of British female soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and all deaths are documented on the government website and seem widely reported in the media.

It seems this is a very bizarre lie.

Or I'm losing my sanity.

I worked with a fantasist once who claimed he was a fully trained samurai warrior.
I think it was bruised ego from not being a very talented or popular person and I'm sure there were feelings of inadequacy at the root of it.
I felt for him, because no one happy does that. Maybe he'd been taunted for his mediocrity instead of being accepted as a basically nice human.. who knows.
But, you can't get tangled in that messy psychology as you never know how twisted it deep it runs.

He's probably lying but... but...

Everyone here is assuming she was a British marine. US marines were in Afghanistan, something like a tenth of US marines are women and some were killed in the conflict.

Can you really be a soldier AND a conscientious objector?

The absolute best thing you can do is to grey rock him. Make up a reason that makes it look you’re being kind ‘the death of your wife sounds so traumatic and devastating that I just don’t think I could deal with that longer term as I’m not ready to provide that support and you deserve that, but thanks for being honest’ etc

That's a great idea actually

Stolen valour even if it isn't about himself is abhorrent.

Get this vile man out of your life .

Look you've got yourself into to a wierd situation with him but I think you can exit gracefully. I sort of went too far with a guy and knew instantly it was a mistake. So I just said by text " hey I've had a bit of a think about things and I'm just not ready for a relationship at the moment. I'm really sorry but it's just clear to me that I'm not ready for that level of commitment. Am going to head back to therapy I think! Best of luck for the future. Take care"
Along those, could that work?

Disturbing. Good luck ending it OP x

This sounds truthful, too? After all OP has found him quite ‘difficult’.

I second/third this route!

Don't berate yourself. Fantasists can be surprisingly plausible because they believe their lies themselves, and when you're a normal person who doesn't tell outrageous lies yourself why would you question them?

My first husband claimed to have been in the US Army Special Forces. He was definitely ex-army because I saw some of the paperwork, but he lied about what a particular designation meant and I believed him. Why wouldn't I? It was pre-internet and I had no way of checking, and he was a liked and respected member of our community etc etc. But it was wearing because he was very paranoid about the army's 'hold' over him because of 'the things he'd had to do', and every time something good happened he'd insist the army had sorted it for him/us behind the scenes and that they'd 'call in the favour' eventually. When pressed, it seemed he was worried about being called back in to service to assassinate someone. That was around the time I woke up to what a pile of baloney it was. I was very young tbf.

I divorced him in the end and he claimed he couldn't sign the papers because he'd had a brain aneurysm. Fortunately, he was allowed to sign an X in the presence of an attorney. I thought it was another pack of lies but it turned out to be true in fact, so you do never know.

I would tell your man that actually you don't want to rush things, then hope for a new ultimatum and fail to deliver. I think I might go and stay with a friend until it blows over too. Don't confront him.

He wouldn’t have blocked you, he’d have found a way to make you feel guilty but persist with his goal in making you “his partner”.

Hi Anthony, It's been interesting to have crossed paths but I don’t think our connection is what I’m really looking for right now.

Hi Anthony, It was nice meeting up with you, but I don’t think we have enough in common to be compatible long-term, which is really what I’m looking for now.

Hi Anthony, I have a lot going on right now and just need to focus on myself. Thanks for understanding!

Hi Anthony, it’s been a while since I’ve been on a dates with someone and it made me realise I’m not ready to see anyone on a regular basis. Best wishes.

Best way to end this would be to tell him that you're a government assassin who was sent over to Afghanistan to shoot a female marine suspected of being a double agent 🤷🏻‍♂️

He sounds like a psycho

Please stop saying you are stupid, people like this manipulate and reel you in.

You've been smart enough to work him out, so good luck with kicking him to the kerb (or preferably the sea)!

Yes, that is a good idea. Keep yourself safe.

He does sound mental. Send him a message like Hi, it's been great getting to know each other. Unfortunately I've realised I'm not looking for a relationship as I don't have the time.
If he becomes persistent send one message saying 'please don't contact me again' and if he continues report to Police. Don't respond to anything else and don't let him drag you into any conversation.
Don't bother requesting a DVDS you won't get one if you're ending things with him and you already know he's batshit crazy anyway.
Lock your doors and windows, make sure your phone is charged, consider Hollie Guard if he becomes a problem.

Watch “love rats” on Netflix. And dump him now.

I think this is the way to go! Just say you felt under pressure to make a decision the other night and now that you've had time to reflect you realise you're not up for a serious relationship right now so best if you go your separate ways.

This is brilliant advice.

Sorry for what you went through.

He lives close. Small village. One pub. Its worth me taking 24 hours or so to get this right as I need to cut the dating and friendship off entirely whilst doing it in a way that doesn't provoke him.

Xpost: question answered. Steer clear in a polite but firm way.

OP: please update us once you’ve done the deed. Good luck.
Pre - mumsnet, I dated 2 liars. I only wish I’d been on this forum then. Their lies weren’t as dramatic as in your case, but they’d lied about being abusive (claimed they were the victims) I know different now. Take care x

You guys do make me laugh.

Thank you xx

I can remember a fella in the news fairly recently who made a whole lie up about working in M15. Absolute fruitcake. Very unpleasant to partners.
This one must be short on ideas as he hasn’t even concocted a decent story.

So you're classing his emotional blackmail call out as a date??? This is the point at which YOU should have blocked him.

After blocking him please get therapy.

OP I think the fact that you live in a small village might be helpful? I know it’s a pain if he is nearby but hopefully it’s a decent community where you are amongst friends.