Dating guy whose "wife was shot dead"

[Beautifulbouquet]

For a month I've been casually seeing someone.

He is quite hard work in general.

This weekend he told me that his wife was shot and killed in Afghanistan where she was a marine.

Having looked this up...this seems impossible. A tiny number of British female soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and all deaths are documented on the government website and seem widely reported in the media.

It seems this is a very bizarre lie.

Or I'm losing my sanity.

I’ve got membership of a genealogy site. If you want PM me his name, approximate age and I’ll search births, marriages and search for a death in “wife’s” surname.

Also you could Google his name with Town in court, court reports X address and variations on that.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon apologies - I didn't realise it had changed to 18 very recently.

I'm going to go against the grain where posters are telling you that you are not stupid.

Going round to his home after receiving that 'ultimatum' text message was incredibly stupid and potentially dangerous.

I hope you manage to extract yourself from this 'relationship' and in future apply boundaries to safeguard yourself against batshit crazy men like this one.

Also please report this to the police, 111 and as previously suggested, request info under Clare's Law

Request information under Clare's Law: Make a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS) application | Metropolitan Police

Please stop calling yourself stupid OP. He’s the idiot, not you.

Tell him it’s over and if he refuses to accept threaten him with the police. If he comes over to your house don’t let him in, call the police.

Well presumably he married a few years ago, as he has since lost his wife in a horrific way (if you believe him, which I don't!) So 16 was permissable when he "got married". All of this is not the point though. Typical MN, derailing with pedantic, inconsequential comments.

I worked with someone very much like this, who has in the last few weeks changed jobs. I read it and thought wonder if you live around South Yorkshire. So many things he told me genuinely were so far out that you wouldn’t wanna say that’s bullshit, why would you question someone who was in the army about what they’ve told you, but it’s so far out you think it cannot be true

@Beautifulbouquet

Depending on how far you want to go and that he was British you can resaerch his wife/marriage on line at births marriages and deaths!

@Beautifulbouquet

Yes, you were daft going round to his place (it's ok we've all done stupid things) but you're here now and you realise it was stupid but ...

You must move on now and take back control. Report him to Police ( he may be flagged up anyway) and make sure you are safe. Police will reassure you on this.

I really don't think that the police would be interested in a bloke telling lies. Why would they? What crime has he committed?

You have made an honest mistake in the hopes of meeting someone, and you perhaps also gave him too much the benefit of the doubt. Do not beat yourself up.

Do find a way to extricate yourself safely. If he does not know you well, perhaps you can tell him you have realised you are a lesbian. Or tell him you have developed some sort of rare disease and need to focus entirely on your health. Anything that would be a reason why you cannot spend any time with him. I would not normally suggest something like that, but the guy sounds a bit frightening.

@Beautifulbouquet please tell me you have someone at home with you? And please check in tomorrow after you have told him. He sounds like he is potentially quite delusional and controlling. Play it very safe for a while.

I'd just text him saying it's not working out and you don't see a future with him. Block him, make sure your doors are locked and windows are closed turn the lights off and relax and let a couple friends know. He seems a bit unhinged. I only suggest this if he's walking distance xxxx

You keep saying that you're stupid OP. You are ABSOLUTELY NOT!

You are normal. Let's call you Ms Normal. And you have had the bad fortune to meet Mr Abnormal.

Now, Mr Abnormal has a lot of experience in how to manipulate normal people - he's surrounded by them, so plenty of opportunity for practice.

As Ms Normal, you have had very little experience of how to deal with an abnormal person - they're rare, so you've had no chance to observe how they operate or how to avoid their manipulation.

Do you see the disadvantage this puts you in?

You are NOT stupid. You're a normal person who has done very well to work out so quickly that you're dealing with a Mr Abnormal. I'd say that makes you quite smart, actually.

If someone passes away in an abnormal way or whilst on active duty, the police or someone in authority (armed forces personnel) go in person to inform the next of kin. This is due to respect to the deceased & their family.

People are not generally informed by phone under these type of circumstances.

Bet he wasn’t a marine either…

I think people who do this are often unwell.
A friend of mine had a girlfriend who told the most outrageous lies (I’ve changed details just in case, even though it was decades ago). It was clearly a combination of attention seeking to get sympathy, and making herself appear more “important” than she was. She claimed to be the physiotherapist for a Big 6 football team. She claimed to have been in a famous ferry disaster. She claimed to have dated a famous rapper. She claimed to have been a make up artist in Hollywood. When my friend started backing off a bit, she claimed to have just had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, and he caught her inflicting injuries on herself to look like scars. My friend extricated himself from the relationship and I have no idea what happened to her, but she clearly had some significant psychological problems.

Exactly this.
Dump him and block him.
If he starts contacting you after that then report him to the police.

She was telling the truth, though! Look who turned up at her wedding!

Hmm….one of those situations where to call him an outright liar could backfire badly if somehow it’s true. Ask him (in a nice way) to prove it, and do some investigating

They will work very hard to fabricate proof. My bloke showed me lots of pictures of himself in a pool and around a villa, telling me that this was his home overseas. They were pictures of him on holiday. But proving that is very very difficult. It's usually best to pretend to believe them and just extricate yourself from the relationship.

You are not stupid. We all make bad decisions, and you've done it for good reasons - because you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. That makes you a decent person. What's done is done.

For now you need to give him a short reason for dumping him and do it over text. Something like "I am not ready to be in a relationship right now." Don't give a long-winded reason, he is going to latch on to any tiny thing he thinks he can change your mind about. Keep repeating the reason and don't get dragged into discussing it. Your decision is not up for negotiation. If he does not take no for an answer, give him one "please don't contact me again" message. And of he carries on tell him you will contact the police if he doesn't leave you alone or if he comes round (and do it.) Do not block him. You need to see if he's escalating: Men like this can be dangerous. Do not speak to him on the phone, and obviously don't agree to see him. Keep all messages and voicemails in case you need them - he might settle down for a bit then flare up again. He will almost certainly show up at your house. Record it of you can. Let a couple of friends know to check in with you. Think of someone you can call to come over and stay with you for one or two nights if it comes to that. Do a Clare's Law application. If he gets flagged up you may get some support to keep him away. If he really is dangerous then forewarned is forearmed.

It isn't your fault there are nutjob men around, but do everything you can from now on to keep yourself safe.

Re ending it by text tonight - I follow a lady on instagram called alittlenudge who does dating advice. She has a script for ending things after a couple of dates which I have used and which works well. Look her up but it's essentially - "Thanks for a fun evening. I've been thinking since our last date and unfortunately I'm not feeling the romantic connection I'm looking for. It's been really lovely getting to know you and I wish you all the best" tailored to fit your circs. And then don't engage any further.

I think this is the best route - not mentioning his odd lies or anything specific that could bruise his ego too much. But also not an excuse or anything he can try to argue back with.

Obviously you need to dump him, but I'm just here to say it might not be anything as sinister as making up future excuses for bad behaviour. Some people are just chronic bullshitters, it's just a habit they can't break. My first boyfriend was one. Made up all sorts of crap about his dad being this big time gangster, accompanying his dad on major drug deals, witnessing gun fights, pretended to be an ethnicity that he actually has nothing to do with... it was all just to make his life seem more interesting and exciting than it was.

But I think with some people it becomes a habit. Like, if he went to the post office and bought a can of coke, he'd tell me he went to the co op and bought a snickers, and then he'd tell his mate he went to the Spar and bought a ham sandwich. It was as if he'd just forgotten what the word truth even meant anymore.

So completely harmless... but also impossible to have a meaningful relationship after a while.

DH was a Royal Marines officer and except for the band service they don't have women. But his tale sounds like rubbish to me

I unfortunately met someone a few years ago who said he’d been involved in a bombing in Afghanistan (was in the army) that caused him severe injuries, also detailed information about the people that died in that blast that all turned out to be totally fabricated. That person turned out to be a pathological liar and also potentially dangerous as I later found out he had been watching me at home (whilst pretending to be working abroad…)

The absolute best thing you can do is to grey rock him. Make up a reason that makes it look you’re being kind ‘the death of your wife sounds so traumatic and devastating that I just don’t think I could deal with that longer term as I’m not ready to provide that support and you deserve that, but thanks for being honest’ etc

Make him believe you believe the story but it just wouldn’t be fair to continue and withdraw. Men like him will turn nasty when ridiculed or dealt a narcissistic injury to feelings.

I managed to shake off this mother of all losers by pretending to believe the stories and turning it back on how he’s an amazing person and deserves someone that can really support him which isn’t me and he eventually fucked off - although he’ll give the off nudge by text every year or so and I’m truly scared of what he’s capable of so am polite and finish the conversation- whixh is what you’ll have to do if lives near you 🤦‍♀️