Dating guy whose "wife was shot dead"

[Beautifulbouquet]

For a month I've been casually seeing someone.

He is quite hard work in general.

This weekend he told me that his wife was shot and killed in Afghanistan where she was a marine.

Having looked this up...this seems impossible. A tiny number of British female soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and all deaths are documented on the government website and seem widely reported in the media.

It seems this is a very bizarre lie.

Or I'm losing my sanity.

Why are you telling him he is adorable??!

@Beautifulbouquet I haven’t any great advice for you but just wanted to say don’t be too hard on yourself. When you look back on this episode in a year or two you will be proud of yourself and probably laugh about it. It’s a bit too raw for that now.
I met a man online who claimed to be in Bagram airbase in the SBS. He came online in his uniform and when I laughed and asked if he was in a bedsit in Birmingham in Army surplus he got cross and said “ No look I’ve got a gun!” And waved it at me. I actually met him in person a month later on leave and it was all true, but he was an utter nightmare and after a very exciting date involving crossing the English Channel at dawn luckily he ditched me. My friends were horrified I went sailing with him but I couldn’t see any logical reason why he would take me to sea and murder me! The whole thing was ridiculous but gave me a lot of laughs at the preposterousness of life.
Tell your best friends and ask them for support. They will talk sense into you if you wobble.

Because I don't want to make an enemy of a psychologically deranged individual

Brilliant @Beautifulbouquet 👏 💪

Don’t give him any opportunities to talk you round then either. I don’t understand why you’ve said ‘tell me if I’ve got it wrong’ it makes you seem very unsure of yourself. You didn’t have to tell him why you’re breaking it off, you could have just said, simply, ‘’It’s been great, but I’ve decided I’m not ready to date’’ end of story. Don’t call him a liar and a nutter. If he is deranged he is definitely going to take issue with being confronted with his lies.

No judgement here- I am in my 40s and have been similarly daft. Keep yourself safe and don't be too hard on yourself.

Oh my god the messages OP 🙈 are you drunk!!

What the hell were you thinking

I’m glad he didn’t lose it after being called a nutter 😥

Your text exchange is incredibly dangerous.

Lots of love,

Someone who works with very mentally unstable people that have a very different reality and are easily angered

Oh op, these messages were not the way to go 😬

I wouldnt read those messages and think I've been dumped to be honest - think you've done yourself no favours there

Thanks. I'm in my 40s too. Thank you x

You're giving him mixed messages. Saying you're done but calling him cute and adorable. That's messed up too.

Calling someone who seems slightly unhinged a nutter is probably a bit inflammatory, also I wouldn't be calling him cute and adorable either because it's sending mixed messages. Just straight to the point you don't want to continue the relationship, so he can't try and talk you round.

Oh no.. those messages are not the ones..!! 😬😬

You don’t want to anger a deranged person…by calling him a nutter?

Whaaaat 😂

OK I felt so so proud but now lots are saying this wasn't great.

I don't understand why. He's gone away. He knows he was rumbled.

We’re worried about you OP. You were saying you’d take a couple of days to plan your response and people on the thread are concerned that he might react badly to the directness of the messages. Have you got real life support? Are you safe in your home tonight?

Op please stop beating yourself up, none of us and infallible, and you’ve quickly realised your mistake.

For future reference (or if he comes back), I’d strongly suggest with men like this it’s safest to put them off you so that they lose interest.

Please don’t talk to the “villagers” about him - if it really is a one-horse village whatever you say will get back to him! Even if they ask “so I heard you’re with Nutty Nigel” - smile and say nothing!

@Beautifulbouquet

Yeah, drinking and break up texts (or any texts when drunk really) aren't a good combination. But what's done is done.

Block him on all platforms (and keep him blocked) and put your phone in a drawer for the rest of the night so you aren't tempted to text him again to 'clarify' anything. You may have broken up with him 'clumsily' but don't try to rectify it.

No more drinking tonight. Take a nice hot shower, get in your pjs, and find something to watch to keep your mind occupied.

Your messages are coming across as a little nutty themselves tbh. You need to make sure he has heard the message loud and clear and in a way that does not inflame. I would suggest checking messages here first as you really need to work on how you communicate boundaries - I think this is probably a big part of your issue. No judgement - I have a similar past - and wish I’d learned so much earlier how to be direct without inflaming or Bowing to someone!

I once dated someone who told me he was at an event with a famous dj on and a quick google revealed the dj in question was thousands of miles away , he was a total fantasist

You don’t understand why calling a supposed deranged man a liar (which you have done by telling him you know he lied) and a nutter is the wrong course of action? If he’s a narcissist he will be very easily angered and provoked if he feels his facade is being threatened. It sounds like you just wanted to have a ‘gotcha’ moment. You’ve put yourself in a dangerous situation

My OH says the best lie is that you've found out you're pregnant with the baby of the guy you were dating / in a relationship with before, and the two of you are going to try and make it work.

With kindness, calling a man “nutter” is very dangerous. I am concerned for your safety. He had a knife in his bed?! Please consider having someone stay with you for a while, if you have space.