Dating guy whose "wife was shot dead"

[Beautifulbouquet]

For a month I've been casually seeing someone.

He is quite hard work in general.

This weekend he told me that his wife was shot and killed in Afghanistan where she was a marine.

Having looked this up...this seems impossible. A tiny number of British female soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and all deaths are documented on the government website and seem widely reported in the media.

It seems this is a very bizarre lie.

Or I'm losing my sanity.

Holy Moly, Bouquet.... I literally stopped eating dinner {Alone with dog!} when I read about the ''knife on the bed''

Have you heard of the terrible case of Elaine O'Hara and the vile narcissistic ''family man'' murderer Graham O'Dwyer?

He absolutely began thin end of the wedge with a very vulnerable woman.

He began by taking a knife to the bedroom.

Thank Goodness you have insight.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, OP. I’m sure many of us have had “red flags” waved in our faces and ignored them.

I was out with chap I’d not known long and he said “oh let’s go to a club” - well we were knocking on 30, and the people queuing to get in the club looked to be 21ish, and my chap was wearing a tweed jacket - the bouncers checked my handbag and searched him and he had a small flick knife in his pocket which the bouncers took off him and he insisted he’d collect it on the way out of the club! Why I didn’t ditch him at this point I don’t know - I wish I had at the time, would have saved myself so much grief!

Maybe you should give him a really unlikely story as to why you can't be together!

As someone from Herefordshire, every other bloke in pubs has "been in the SAS".

Reading your updates- the bit about the 'coke' teeth and you being afraid to admit you were shocked - did therapy touch on being a 'people pleaser'?

It comes over as if you're always wanting to be liked.

Does this ring a bell?

No, I missed that one 😂

I don't think you have necessarily been an idiot.

You've trusted a human being. It's not really a bad move on your part.

That said, he sounds dangerous. Get rid, don't give a reason. If he asks, say you need therapy for past issues or something really vague. Do not under any circumstances call him on any of his lies.

No female Royal Marines have ever been killed on active duty. Unless he means she was shot in a civil matter whilst a serving marine, that is vaguely possible.

Look him up and see if he has every been married and if not...Jackanory time!

Just read the about about the knife - run for the hills, via the local police station and raise it with them - that is not normal.

Yeah look up any marriage certificates, have you asked his wife’s name? Have you asked if there were any news stories on it? The coke thing doesn’t mean you’re stupid at all, drinking lots of coke makes your teeth bad, it’s a standard conclusion to come to. You aren’t stupid for anything else either, he sounds like a fantasist and definitely there a psychopath vibes there, and nobody expects to meet someone like that do they? I hope you aren’t out tonight drinking on your own? If so, give yourself a cut off point please, otherwise the sheer head fuckery of this might make you stay out and party, and that’s a dangerous situation, I’ve been there myself

We had 3 female military deaths in Afghanistan: Cpl Sarah Bryant, an intelligence analyst in Jun ‘08, Capt Lisa Head, a bomb disposal officer in Apr ‘11 and Cpl Channing Day, a medic in Oct ‘12. (I just wanted to put their names out there, especially as Remembrance Sunday Isn’t far away).

Sarah was married to a fellow Int Corp soldier, but he certainly wasn’t 16 as they met through work.

Even putting stupid lies about wives aside, this guy is a whole banner-load of red flags. Please extricate yourself carefully but unquestionably if you can.

Please stop saying you are stupid, you are most definitely not. Thank God you asked for advice to confirm it's not you.

Please call women's aid to get some advice on how to stay safe and word the break up. I agree with pp - whatever you do don't call him out on his lies.

Also consider a ring doorbell if you haven't already got one.

Hope it goes as smoothly as it can.

Could you not call the police (101) and make a Clare’s Law application. Explain that you’ve been dating him, he’s said some odd things which you’ve found to be manipulative, he’s made you feel forced into agreeing to be his partner, and now you fear for your safety due to not knowing what he may be capable of after finding the knife in his bed. It may be that he’s known to the police and they may be best placed to advise you of how you keep yourself safe and may be able to target harden your home. Hope you’re okay!

OP you’re not terrible/stupid/an idiot, and you say you’re sad that you don’t think you’ve changed from past experiences. But you have! You’ve got this weirdo sussed out in just a month, and now you’re getting rid. I’d say that pretty impressive as people can go on for months and years with shit like this and make excuses for it. You’re not. I say bravo to you!

Why would you not have mentioned the knife before? Surely that's a bigger red flag than lying about a dead wife?

It's crazy how the 'Walter Mitties' dry up when challenged.

One on You Tube was repeatedly asked which ship he ''Travelled South'' on - {Alleging Falklands Service} and mumbled and bumbled.

It was cringe.

s

I do know what you mean @oakleaffy, so this isn't a pop at you.
BUT
No, no, no, no, no
Who wants to go through life mistrusting and suspicious of everyone we encounter?
I think there has to be a balance.
One doesn't want to be gullible, you have to (as my great, great aunt used to say) "keep your hand on your ha'pney"
But I think it's worth risking being duped, conned, etc in order to reap the benefits of being open to relationships and friendships.
There are very many wonderful people out there who enrich our lives.
There are cunts too.
But being too careful of avoiding the cunts, we don't get the benefits of the amazing, because we cynic them away.

I'd rather kiss some frogs than never be kissed again.

Hey, OP, don't be hard on yourself!
I was with a scary bastard for 3 years - it didn't start that way immediately but ramped up over time.
I missed every single (giant) red flag, wasn't always very good at looking out for myself. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to even tell my sisters what was happening.
I see it all so clearly now, especially after being on MN - I've learnt so much from all these other knowledgeable, strong women.
You'll be ok and you definitely aren't stupid. What you did do was come on here and ask the question, that shows deep down your instincts were telling you something!
Chin up, put yourself first from now on. Your happiness and safety are all that matters. Look after yourself x

I've done it! I've done this.

I'm really proud.

He maybe a “Walter Mitty” but I think it’s best not to challenge him about it!

Let us know how you get on.

i dated a compulsive liar and a thief in my late teens. I look back now and can’t believe the things I believed!

Make sure you post his response, not sure that was the way to go about it but will be interesting to see what he says

I bet he plays computer games and there is a female soldier in the game. He probably shot her. Weirdo!

Well it's been a month and she fell for it. It was straight away- 4 dates.
Op can you get someone to stay with you for a bit before ending it. He sounds unhinged.

If he tells you her name and it matches up with the records, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the truth, it just means he’s googled it and came up with a legitimate name to make up a narrative. It doesn’t really matter if it’s true anyway, you’ve said he’s hard work. I’d drop him just for this, never mind him making up unlikely stories.

His response is there! I've "got it wrong" but he's prepared to leave it.

Oh op, cardinal rule when talking to mentally unstable - don't call them nutters!