Dating guy whose "wife was shot dead"

[Beautifulbouquet]

For a month I've been casually seeing someone.

He is quite hard work in general.

This weekend he told me that his wife was shot and killed in Afghanistan where she was a marine.

Having looked this up...this seems impossible. A tiny number of British female soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and all deaths are documented on the government website and seem widely reported in the media.

It seems this is a very bizarre lie.

Or I'm losing my sanity.

This! I call them "Mr Trauma Drama"

tbd

This. A 100%.
This guy is unsafe, and it’s now her problem to deal with, for however long it takes for him to shift his focus. Remnants of that fear will probably stay for a while.. and so it builds up over our entire lives. It’s just all wrong.

The kindness on this thread is amazing.

Thank you.

Yes. And my awful wish to appease is no doubt linked to that.

Interestingly just told one of my closest friends...gay man..
He said "oh well at least the srx was good".
No part of me is thinking this!!!!

This!

Tell him you’re in loads of debt and need him to sub you and perhaps lend you a couple of grand to tide you over. Just til you get yourself sorted.

Guarantee you won’t hear from him again.

You're not stupid OP. Just got taken in.
Something similar recently happened to me (although definitely no mad lies like this) and sadly it turned out he was fairly unhinged. Had been looking at flats to move into near me within a week of meeting. Waaaaaaay to much.

Get a friend to come and stay with you for a couple of days if you can (or if it's an option, go and stay with them?), simple text to say it's not working and hope he finds what he's looking for and block. Don't even consider reading his response (trust me).

I slept with a cricket bat under the bed for a few nights but was alright in the end!

Having read all the advice, I would agree you need to preserve his ego but, at the same time, make it clear that there is no hope/friendship etc.

I think you can use the 'partner' pressure thing as a springboard. Maybe a text along the lines of:

'Hello. So I've been thinking.... You're such a nice guy but talking about being partners has made me realise I'm not ready for a relationship at all. You've had a lot to deal with and deserve someone who is committed and ready to focus on you, and I am not in the right headspace for that. To be honest, I think I need to step away from dating and focus on work and other things for a while. I've enjoyed meeting you and am sure you'll meet someone lovely soon. Take care. Bouquet. PS. I do realise that you might be feeling the same way about me, and that maybe I've done you a favour in which case, no hard feelings."

It makes me feel a bit sick that you have to pander at this level, but sadly, we live in a world where fantasist men are potentially dangerous, and never more so than when their egos are bruised. Good luck.

Errrr.... the knife in the bed... with you in it? WTAF?

You need to extricate and protect yourself, but what about the next victim?

He wouldn't have blocked you.

I'm sorry you're going through this @Beautifulbouquet & you're not stupid, he's the problem but you're right to take precautions & "let him down gently" rather than just say "thanks but no thanks weirdo" it galls me that as women we even have to think of this but it's the right reaction to keep us hopefully safe

The knife beside the bed would have freaked me the fuck out tbh & with that in mind just be aware of your surroundings for the next few weeks, he could go to your house after the pub or whatever etc... hope I'm not scaring you?

Good luck x

Have you moved to Royston Vasey?

——————————

Yes, I think the “it’s not you it’s me” line is the one to take.

Huge knife in bed jumped the shark for me. Good luck in your new village.

Do I smell cynicism?

I think I’d be tempted to involve the police. Just to advise them (knife, fantasist etc). He needs to be on their radar & in the event you need a restraining order in the future, you’re already part way there. I wonder if a Clare’s law search would have raised anything 🤔

My god, he’s thick as mud. That’s more than enough reason- just get rid. I couldn’t be listening to this utter bullocks

Worst thing is, these types are always both;
a) dense enough to believe their own shite
b) they’ve never left their hometown, and have fuck all life experience- and so they think everyone else is thick enough to believe the shite they spout

OP, save your time. Chuck this one back in the pond

Agree with Claire’s law.
OP I do understand that thing about moving to a new place and taking your cues about someone from how others are with them. I once did this with a man I instinctively did not like or trust, in fact I found him repellent, but other people locally seemed to like him so I would be friendly ish, say good morning and chat. He became creepier and creepier around my small daughters and my gut feeling is that he is a paedophile.
It can be so easy to damp down those little niggly gut feelings. It’s good that you are listening to them now.

🤣

I had to Google this phrase.

Yes it means a detail was so unbelievable you know it's fake.

Not feeling great. Understand her point and don't get me wrong if a friend had texted me an hour before "what will you do if he has a massive knife in his bed" id have said...he won't!

As we get to the drinking hour in reality the thread will probably disintegrate.

I'm having a drink too so no judgment.

Yes he had a knife in the bed.

Yes I joked about it.

Yes then I had sex with him.

Can I explain that about myself? I think that will take quite some time.

Enough women reading this will know how shit I feel about taking so little care of myself.

I could be the same person reading this and disbelieving. So yes I've been an idiot x

hes a walter mitty

Yes that's it. Very unpopular they are too.

@Beautifulbouquet As an ''Empath'' you will have narcissists drawn to you like moths to a flame.

Look up HG Tudor on you tube...he speaks of empaths and narcissists.

You are very vulnerable to abuse as a trusting person.

@Beautifulbouquet you sound like such a lovely person, and honestly you’re onto him and his lies in four dates. That’s not a long time. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

I think reminding yourself that you’re strong, intelligent, and capable of seeing through bullshit is going to be far more helpful to your mindset to deal with this than repeating over and over that you’ve been stupid/naive. You made a potential error of judgement, lured in by a well practiced liar. You’re not the first and won’t be the last.

is it worth approaching the police for assistance? I’m in another country but we have teams available for a bit more support for these tricky situations. I don’t know whether they work as well in practice as they claim but I think these lunatics thrive under the cover of darkness/secretiveness. Tell people what’s going on and try to bring it out. The more people who know the better. Especially about the knife in his bed. That’s not normal behavior.

Also, can you move?

Thank you.

I had six years of therapy. I thought I was so different.

I have had a drink now and a bit sad...but I'm not sad it didn't work out with him. I'm just sad I haven't changed. I'm sad that all I want to convey is "I'm your safe place. Ill never hurt you. I'm wise enough to look beyond things other women wouldnt"

I'm really, really useless.

Terribly kind and funny and accommodating.

He told me on our third date he had bad teeth because of lots of coke.

I said oh yes we did that experiment at school with coca cola.

He did look a bit sorry for me. He said I mean cocaine.

I just tried not to act shocked so he didn't feel bad.

I'm my own worst enemy.

Thank you x