Wife wont let mum come round at Christmas

[Unjeffeson]

Background:
My m(41) wife hates my mum. There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her. My wife also thinks I take my mums side too much when i try and explain her point of view or try and create compromises. This has led my wife to feeling like my mother is ‘the other woman’, and she sees red almost every time we discuss her.

Things have been stable if unpleasant for a while, with my wife agreeing for my mum to see our daughter every couple of months for an afternoon. In the meantime my mum is on the phone to me regularly about how depressed its all making her.

Whats happened:
My mum has asked if she can see us on Christmas day, so she doesnt have to be by herself. My wife has said hard no, she doesnt want her anywhere near us at xmas. Mum can see us at some point around the end of December but not on Christmas day. Wife says we need to maintain a united front to set boundaries with my mum on this.

Ive been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now as well as putting my wife’s desires first. It is important to me that my daughter knows her grandmother and that she doesnt get dragged into it. When we argue about it my wife makes ‘it’s me or her’ noises and i refuse to break up my family for what my mother wants. But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.

What should I do? Is it okay to say no to mum at xmas so long as we have another date lined up?

And i guess more importantly - had anyone here had a mother in law you feel is so unpleasant that you prevent them visiting, keep them away at xmas etc, in spite of the difficulty it causes your SO? Where’s the line of tolerance (if there even is one)?

I think that newly post-partum mums are probably feeling physically and emotionally more vulnerable than their MILs at that point and may be at risk of post-partum anxiety or depression. It is clear that OP's mum wasn't kept away from the new baby as she was in the OP's home when she did the things that upset his wife.

So I wouldn't say that I was an 'all new mums can do no wrong' poster but I do think that people visiting new mums should try and show kindness and respect and not do things that are likely to cause upset.

The OP stated that only recently has his wife "allowed " him to visit his mother once every two months.
And no one expects her to "dance attendance"... she just wants to not be alone in Christmas Day/soend it with her family

Eh...

No, the OP's two posts both state that the MIL was allowed to visit them every two months - vs her requested whole weekends away (unclear as to whether that means she gets to take the child away for a weekend or comes to stay with OP and wife for a whole weekend).

OP makes zero mention at all as to whether he is allowed to visit his Mother more often by himself or with the child.

@WiddlinDiddlin
The OP's post isn't clear, but either way she's not exactly in their pockets.
I just think Christmas Day is a family occasion and MIL is OP's close family . She shouldn't have to spend it alone

Yes they definitely do.

It seems to be completely beside the point that the mil has actually birthed at least one child as well; but for some reason that birth doesn’t seem to bequeath MILs the same entry to the “ it’s all about me club.”

Im not a mil, though I am a mum, and I don’t really mean this unkindly. It’s more that I think sometimes younger women seem ( shortsightedly) to feel they are manoeuvring themselves into a position of power and don’t realise they are doing themselves more harm than good with the “ why should I have to make an effort with someone who rubs me up the wrong way” attitude. Even in my lifetime, I have seen mums getting progressively more and more isolated and lacking in family support. I know they think they are scissoring off complications, but I genuinely think it’s a short road to isolation and depression.

There are always two versions of each story; On the other hand perhaps your wife should consider the point when becomes “the mother in law”. How would she feel, when her son has to decide on who to favour? Stereotypical mother-in-law/daughter ego;s

I would agree with this. If MN is anything to go by, there is a definite sense of entitlement and - for the want of a better word - importance that some younger mothers bestow on themselves.
It seems to be their way or the high way, with the assumption that they are always correct, always the victim and today's way is always better than any other because, research. When of course some of us have been around long enough to know there will be much more research along the line, showing the ways they are so adamant are the definitive way are in fact, 'wrong'.
I do find this modern trend of cutting people off and taking extreme offence if someone crosses you - and expecting your SO to go along with it - bizarre in the extreme though.
There is another thread running at the moment about a CF SIL - and she was a CF, there's no doubt about that - but some posters have gone for the standard 'block and move on' response. Block your SIL?? How will that work in family politics? But of course, the blocker will expect her DH and the rest of the family to take her side, or they will end up blocked too in the posters' world. It's madness.

It’s presented as some huge breakthrough in personal relationship management - the modern way, along with techniques like “grey rock” - as if it took until 2020 or so for it to occur to anyone that you could go Nc, when in fact most 5 year olds in almost every generation have uttered “ I’m not playing anymore” and flounced off. The reason it hadn’t caught on in previous ( adult) generations is not lack of initiative but rather insight into the implications down the line. And probably a small dose of being too proud to sound like a five year old .

You people are unbelievable! Ditch the wife. She’s toxic and the Mum has no idea what she’s done wrong, probably nothing.
This site is so heartbreaking and I really am trying hard not to see this rubbish. I will try again!

Heartbreaking is indeed the word. I agree that MIL has not clue what she's allegedly "done"

She dared to express the fact she was upset they were moving away. Nasty cow. 🙄

ETA I think she was a bit cheeky to cart the baby off to visit a friend if it hadn’t been sgreeed. But that’s not an excuse to cut her out of Christmas Day, just a good reason not to leave the baby with her again. I feel as though the wife just prefers to find an excuse to not bother with her.

You were being over dramatic on the thread about an OP's MIL deliberately giving her toddler daughter milk when she knows the little girl is allergic. You were calling everyone precious and asking if there was an anti-DIL forum you could join. You said that you had suicidal thoughts when you weren't allowed to push your first grandchild's pram. You obviously have issues with one of your own DILs.

The OP has said that he did not want to split up from his wife and he said that his mother is selfish and inconsiderate and isn't willing to back off when asked.

You seem to get very emotional on posts where there are problems between MILs and DILs so I'm not sure why you seek them out when they upset you so much.

ls your mother a bad influence in your child's life? You don't appear to think so, so why would you not encourage gran and grandchild's relationship. Does it have to be Xmas day - probs not but denying your mother to see children even for a limited time at Xmas - hmmm, if you're in reasonable travelling distance, why would you do that? Almost always, grandparents love their grandchildren and almost always grandchildren love their grandparents. Maybe your mother and partner would benefit from an honest conversation between them. I wish you all well

OP, it sounds like your wife is what is called the 'meat shield'. She was the target of your mum's rude and disrespectful behaviour and you turned a blind eye to it. She stood up for herself and refused to be her target anymore. Now that your mum has been forced to turn her bad behaviour to you with her manipulation and 'woe is me', you want your wife to pull down her boundaries and be her target again so she backs off of you.

People shouldn’t be “allowed” by their partners to see members of their family, that’s a red flag to me, the wife sounds controlling.

We’ve heard the wife’s side of the relationship, I wonder what the MiL would say.

I have a mean bitchy MIL So I get your wife’s point of view. BUT I also want my child to have a relationship with her and respect that it’s my partner’s mum so I tolerate monthly visits, usually her staying for a weekend. I think your wife should be a bit fairer to you and your kid and let you see her more.

my partner just tries to ignore his mum being rude to me and him, he’s had a lifetime of her bullying negativity. I’ve asked him to be tougher and stand up for me if she’s rude.

Maybe she could go out for the day while she visits to reduce the interaction. And I would see your mum at Xmas so she’s not alone. Can you take your daughter to hers for a bit on Xmas day as a compromise?

i think your wife needs to consider your feelings a bit more in this.

I would love to get your mum’s side on this. MIL’s are always a PITA to some degree but you manage it for the sake of a cohesive family. Reading between the lines I am team mum on this as your wife sounds controlling and dominating! I actually feel they are both strong characters and they clash. It’s not for your wife to dictate YOUR plans, arrange your own time with mum and daughter. Problem solved. If wife is unhappy with this sensible workaround this will confirm my team choice/gut feeling.

The bottom line is if the OP was spelling out his reasons for stopping his wife seeing her mother because he thought the mum was rude and insensitive, he would be called controlling and the behaviour would be 'a red flag'.
So why is this situation different? Why are posters justifying behaviour they would never, ever justify if a woman was put in this situation by her husband?
Some posters seem to be utterly blind to the double standards.

Spend Xmas day with yr wife and child. Go visit yr mum with yr child no wife another day for a few hours.
keep an eye on yr mum with yr child as nasty women often say nasty things to children about the parent they hate.
Grow a backbone and support yr wife.

In fairness your mother did create this situation herself, your mother's misery is completely self inflicted. It really comes down to what is more important to your your marriage or keeping your mother happy-clearly your mother has been so toxic in the past that it is a straight choice.
Don't drag your daughter into it, you are just making excuses for your mother, you don't like being in the middle, I understand, but it is your mother that put you there.
You have to assume your wife will not change her mind, so you have a big decision to make.

Support his wife to cut off the child's grandmother from her life for a few minor disdemenours?
Support his wife in driving a wedge through his relationship with his mum?
Would you be telling a woman to 'get a backbone' in this situation? Or would you be advising she runs for the hills?

You may not have a wife for much longer unless you challenge your DM about her behaviour ......... A man who sides with his mother except in the face of absolute insistence from his partner is a very unattractive long term proposition.

We haven’t heard the wife’s side at all!

Exactly! The OP is desperate for his wife to be the bigger person and is cross that his wife won't make any attempt to improve the situation. He certainly seems to cut his mum a lot more slack than he does his wife. There is no suggestion from the OP that there are things that his mother could do to improve the situation, e.g. apologise to his wife.

However, even with the OP clearly supporting his mum, he still says that 'my mother is selfish and inconsiderate and isn't willing to back off when asked'. He also reveals that his brother is NC with his mum due to things that she has said to him.

I have, and she sounds controlling and spiteful.