Wife wont let mum come round at Christmas

[Unjeffeson]

Background:
My m(41) wife hates my mum. There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her. My wife also thinks I take my mums side too much when i try and explain her point of view or try and create compromises. This has led my wife to feeling like my mother is ‘the other woman’, and she sees red almost every time we discuss her.

Things have been stable if unpleasant for a while, with my wife agreeing for my mum to see our daughter every couple of months for an afternoon. In the meantime my mum is on the phone to me regularly about how depressed its all making her.

Whats happened:
My mum has asked if she can see us on Christmas day, so she doesnt have to be by herself. My wife has said hard no, she doesnt want her anywhere near us at xmas. Mum can see us at some point around the end of December but not on Christmas day. Wife says we need to maintain a united front to set boundaries with my mum on this.

Ive been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now as well as putting my wife’s desires first. It is important to me that my daughter knows her grandmother and that she doesnt get dragged into it. When we argue about it my wife makes ‘it’s me or her’ noises and i refuse to break up my family for what my mother wants. But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.

What should I do? Is it okay to say no to mum at xmas so long as we have another date lined up?

And i guess more importantly - had anyone here had a mother in law you feel is so unpleasant that you prevent them visiting, keep them away at xmas etc, in spite of the difficulty it causes your SO? Where’s the line of tolerance (if there even is one)?

Either your wife is awful or your mum is, there is no way for us to tell but you love them both so you have to manage this somehow. If you want your child to have a relationship with your mum I think you should bring her to her home regularly, no need for your wife to go. If she lives nearby and time allows you could pop over to her for a little while not just for your mum's sake but for your little one too. Perhaps you could acknowledge to your wife that your mum has been unreasonable with her and that you don't expect her to have a relationship with her, but that your dd deserves a chance to know and love her grandmother.

Are you an only child? Does your mother have good relationships with other family members? Does she have friends?

I feel mumsnet is absolutely blind to the fact that some women really do hate their mother in laws for no reason. It might stem from wanting control over their husband, or from previous relationships etc. But it’s really common. I remember listening to my work colleague tell this awful story about how her son hit his head and it was ALL MILs FAULT despite the kid running into a door. I also had to sit and listen to my friend complain about how her MIL dared to teach her daughter the word “ta” instead of thank you, and how she was an awful mother because friends DH had to share a room with his brother whilst their sister got their own.

Some people really do just hate their MILs for no reason. OP hasn’t suggested his mum has done anything wrong. And quite frankly, nothing he has said alludes to the fact that his own mother should be kept away from the household. That’s incredibly controlling.

I really dislike my MIL. I believe she is manipulative and unkind. My husband agrees, but still loves her as his mother. He takes the kids to see her every couple of months. We do invite her for Christmas but she never comes. If she had nowhere else to go, I would suck it up and let her join in - we have an open door policy on Christmas day. Anyone is welcome to pop in at ours or to join for lunch as we are not going out anywhere. I'd probably feel differently if I felt my husband was choosing her over me.

how justified is wife? What has mil actually said/ done? It’s difficult to advise without this information. Your wife’s reaction to her is fairly extreme. My mil used to make thoughtless comments about my weight quite often but I didn’t stop her seeing her grandchildren ever.

No criticism here, genuinely something I wrestle with myself, but why? Wouldn’t it just be natural consequences to her own actions? Why should you spend every Christmas gritting your teeth and going out your way for the benefit of someone who can’t manage a basic level of decency for you?

Who does all the Christmas day work like preparing food, planning the meal, going to the shop, washing up etc? Are you expecting your wife to do all of this for someone who she dislikes?

Agree with this.

It’s so hard isn’t it? Because obviously I don’t know your wife’s story but I do know that if my DH acted like her over my mum and was so nasty to her I’d ditch DH to be honest, over my mum.

so yeah- there is always a lot of posters on here claiming that men should unquestioningly put their wives above their mums but realistically I’ll bet not many posters would actually do that themselves.

you have to judge whether you really think your wife is right about your mum or not. If you do really think she is wrong and just being cruel- surely you have to rethink your whole relationship.

She has apparently no one else to spend Christmas Day with. Which suggests no good relations with friend or other family members (which as circumstantial evidence, makes it more likely that mum is the unreasonable one, than the wife).

Actually a lot of posts have specifically said it's impossible to tell who is being unreasonable here because the info is so sketchy.

I agree with you - for every crazy MIL there's probably also a crazy DIL somewhere else. I'm always gobsmacked by all the outrage if an MIL takes a photo with a 1 year old baby she's looking after with Santa on a shopping trip for example (that season is about to start and I'm already rolling my eyes) but that doesn't change the fact that there are loads of MILs who are genuinely unreasonable. More info is needed.

Mate, you're on Mumsnet where mother in laws shouldn't exist, except to provide childcare which they must do silently, precisely following the Mama Bear's orders. Your mistake was letting your mother see your daughter in the first six months of your daughter's life, she should have been kept away so your wife could enjoy Her Little Family. And Christmas is for said Little Family and no-one else. Except your wife's own parents, if they are lucky.

I think a lot of people brought up in toxic family systems would prioritise their spouse/partner over their mother.

I also think people with lovely supportive mothers are more likely to support their mum (as partners objecting to lovely supportive mums are likely to be the problematic ones).

OP is so on the fence with his post, I suspect he doesn't know which one is right. It's telling that he hasn't said a single thing about what he thinks and about his own relationship with his mum. The whole post reads like he is simply the person in the middle being the peace maker.

Maybe ask your wife to post here and list some of the things your mum has done. I bet it's quite the list.

You mentioned trying to explain your mums point of view to your wife, but do you ever explain your wifes point of view to your mum? If not, I can see why this would feel infuriating.

Please do this!

Obviously if the relationship is that bad you can't have her over at Christmas, your wife would be uncomfortable in her own home.

When it's a general personality issue rather than one incident there isn't really any fixing it.

The only real solution is your mum cuts the bitchy comments and the relationship improves, but if she's complaining to you and so inconsiderate that she's trying to invite herself on Christmas day when she knows how bad things are then it's not likely to be fixed.

I would hazard a guess that she's tried to invite herself knowing it will make things awkward for you and possibly cause an argument. Noone reasonably thinks inviting themselves for Christmas when you see eachother a few times a year due to not getting on is realistic.

Nobody ever died of spending a day alone, but if your mum can't face a day of her own company, she has plenty of time to make other arrangements.

Cowardly mummies boys give me the instant ick. Toxic MILs make your life absolute hell. You're very lucky your wife has stuck around IMO.

Your wife and mother sound pretty similar if this is true :

There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms

What’s your Mum really like?

This! My MIL probably thinks it’s my fault she doesn’t see GC that much but actually I’ve stopped facilitating it and left it up to my husband to sort and surprise surprise they hardly go!

Maybe your wife is in the wrong?
Maybe your mum us in the wrong.
Without knowing exactly why they don't get on it's hard to say.

You are right to put each other's perspectives to the other too.

How about a compromise. You take your child there on christmas afternoon/night so she can give her her presents while your wife can relax and watch a xmas film ?

Boxing day?

Do you think your mum has been awful to your wife? If she has, back your wife up and tell your mum to play nice. If you think your wife is being unreasonable, then tell here there will have to be compromises. Only you know the whole story.
I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with someone who is rude and catty to me. Would you?