Wife wont let mum come round at Christmas

[Unjeffeson]

Background:
My m(41) wife hates my mum. There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her. My wife also thinks I take my mums side too much when i try and explain her point of view or try and create compromises. This has led my wife to feeling like my mother is ‘the other woman’, and she sees red almost every time we discuss her.

Things have been stable if unpleasant for a while, with my wife agreeing for my mum to see our daughter every couple of months for an afternoon. In the meantime my mum is on the phone to me regularly about how depressed its all making her.

Whats happened:
My mum has asked if she can see us on Christmas day, so she doesnt have to be by herself. My wife has said hard no, she doesnt want her anywhere near us at xmas. Mum can see us at some point around the end of December but not on Christmas day. Wife says we need to maintain a united front to set boundaries with my mum on this.

Ive been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now as well as putting my wife’s desires first. It is important to me that my daughter knows her grandmother and that she doesnt get dragged into it. When we argue about it my wife makes ‘it’s me or her’ noises and i refuse to break up my family for what my mother wants. But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.

What should I do? Is it okay to say no to mum at xmas so long as we have another date lined up?

And i guess more importantly - had anyone here had a mother in law you feel is so unpleasant that you prevent them visiting, keep them away at xmas etc, in spite of the difficulty it causes your SO? Where’s the line of tolerance (if there even is one)?

Well done, you just solved all relationship problems.

We don't know how trivial they are. I think OP has minimised what has happened. I think his mother said a lot more to her son than weight comments.

I think the episodes of verbal diarrhea he mentioned were probably far worse than weight comments. I reckon she has said some incredibly nasty things to the wife. And the fact that there was a relationship at the start, the mother was asked to babysit, she was included, makes me think the wife didn't set out to cut MIL out. Things have built up over time.

I don't think there are cut her off fanatics. I believe the majority of people want that family connection and support. I know very few people who are low or no contact with family members but all of them have very real and usually multiple experiences that have led to it. I bet OP's wife would have a lot more context to add.

Trouble is as OP hasn't provided context we have no idea what his mother's comments were.

But, on the basis that OP's brother went NC after comments about his weight (and other things), I think it's reasonable to assume that it wasn't a gently phrased, concerned query, but more likely an insult.

First you say there hasn't been an incident, but in your second post you name several moments that are most def. important incidents. I have similar experiences, and indeed tried to keep mil as far away as possible. As long as fil was alive they came to us for christmas eve -mostly for our children's sake. When fil died we still invited her for christmas eve but had a taxiservice pick her up and drive her back home, to avoid her staying over - wich would've been several days then. Exemples : she was angry at mé because our daughter had announced her pregnancies first to us (her parents) and only later to her. Very clumsy with all electronics they missed messages we sent from a holiday - to my children she said out loud that their mother was a liar. She also always claimed my children were her children, when corrected that they were her grandchildren she claimed to have parents'rights. She got angry when we bought a house nót in their town but 30 km. away. And in her final months she assured me her son - my husband of 40 years would prefer to live with her rather than with me. Did I say I still hate her?

Well I took it slightly differently in that the comments we have been told were made are a) that mil didn’t struggle to breastfeed and b) she had a rant about how they moved away from her.

I honestly think it’s fair enough she was upset about the move . That doesn’t mean they can’t still move regardless; but she’s allowed to be upset. I would be.

As for the breastfeeding, that could have been anything from “ I’m sorry I can’t offer any useful advice to help as it was quite easy for me and I didn’t struggle” to “ I think you’re over-dramatising because it was easy for me.” It was probably something in between like “ I didn’t struggle” which the mil meant as the former and the FIL took as the latter. But either way, these aren’t huge statements that justify nc - esp if the bf is all over and done with now.

The problem nowadays is far too many people are labouring under the misapprehension that the whole world is queuing up to hear their opinion. It isn't.

Opinions are like arseholes, as the cliched old chestnut goes. Just because you can share them doesn't mean you should.

I totally disagree. I think the vast majority of people now mince about biting their tongue.

Is your 'tell it like it is' friend open to criticism herself? I have found that the most critical people are often thin-skinned and touchy when it comes to receiving honest feedback themselves.

She is. I can’t obviously vouch for everyone who tells it like it is, but she certainly is very open to it. And grateful.

I feel like "going no-contact" has become much more popular in very recent years... the slightest perceive slight, and people are advised to cut their own mother or father out of their life for good. It's very sad. Obviously there are some circumstances where it is perfectly justified, necessary, even, for the other person's mental health, but it seems these days people seem quick to jump to it for mild differences of opinion or slightly annoying habits.

As for this scenario, there's really no way of us knowing.

That's an assumption your entitled to but it's wrong. I've met the dil & although I found her OK she's known to be the type you need to tread on egg shells with. I agree commenting on the hairstyle was too familiar but at least she was honest & in the end dil did let the shaved side grow out & she looked far better. My point is very often people are far too ready to jump on the no contact band wagon when heart to heart discussions can solve underlying issues.

You're the MIL aren't you?

No but I am a MIL & I love my dil & believe it or not its reciprocated.

You're very invested in this work "acquaintances" life. It's a bit odd to know an acquaintances DIL well enough to know what "type" she is and what her various hairstyles are. But ok.

When your from the same place its not that unusual 🙄

None of us have a frame of reference other than our own experiences (mothers) though maybe some were too laid back not bothered how would we know? Maybe ops wife had experiences that made her reject her own maternal advice or input so took against her mil and the relationship hit a downward spiral....in essence only those involved can sit back and think about it everyone else had an opinion at the mil mention and didn't need to read more without judging right or wrong. There are a lot of narcissists nowadays mils, m, wives etc the two meeting always results in a war

What do you think the truth is? You might need to decide if DW is being reasonable and if so support her view to protect your new family.

If not then you need to stand up for your mum but be prepared that your marriage will end . And if DW really is so unreasonable you should be glad to end the marriage.

It’s not one for fence sitting .

My MIL was a very difficult woman and very superior. She reminded me of Mrs Bouquet or bucket!
Luckily, we did not live close to either of our mothers. Often one of us would be on call at Christmas.
Never would I have stopped her seeing my DC. Even though she found DC with autism difficult to relate too.You just have to chill or drink wine! It is only for occasional visits.
I would have been unhappy if my DH didn't allow my DM to visit or for either of our mothers to have been left alone at Christmas.

And for someone who thinks people shouldn’t be too outspoken, you’ve a lot of opinions on @Bthebestucanb.

Yes, I agree.

I do tend to become invested in one thread at a time & like to see it through & see nothing wrong with replying to posters who quote me.
Also given I have a great relationship with my dil I find it really sad when I read about the bitterness & vitriol that goes on between a mans wife & his mother. Regardless where most of the blame lies, unless the one more responsible is evil personified I'll never understand it.

Doubt OP will be back, hopefully he has taken on board what people have said.

From what you are saying your wife is trying to control the relationship your daughter is having with your mum. Unless your mum is a real threat or a negative influence on your daughter, that is not ok. It is ok for your wife not wanting to spend time with your mum. That is fair, but is not ok for her to decide the frequency of contacts that your daughter is having with your mum. She is setting boundaries for your mums. These boundaries should not extend to your daughter, otherwise she is being manipulative herserf. She is using your daughter as as an object, a possession, not as a human being with the right to receive all the love from her grandmother. You need to set boundaries for both your mum and your wife to protect your daughter’s best interests.

I have been this wife! My MIL used to come round, bring her partner and dog, make a mess, eat drink our food, leave a load of dog hair and dirt around the place, and feed our children rubbish, and try to play myself and husband off each other, making comments and sending my husband messages. Now my husband used to defend her, but as her house is an absolute dump and I work really hard to keep ours clean and relatively tidy (as much as you can with 2 children) he’s started coming round to see she is in fact very selfish. She also only ever wants to see the children on her terms and very rarely helps out/ makes excuses. She only lives round corner so not a distance issue. The solution- she rarely comes to ours, we don’t invite her round and don’t go to her dirty house, we meet at a park/ attraction/ theatre type situation so they get to see each other, I sometimes go but don’t always. Seems to work well for us. You can maintain a relationship without having her in your house. And as for Xmas, if she’s going to ruin for your wife, she doesn’t come, your wife should be the priority

I agree, or even further down the line how would we feel if our own children’s partners banned us from their lives. Folks immediately go down defending the wife, but we’ve all known unreasonable circumstances. Now, with this, I’m not saying who’s right or wrong, but it’s always the Mil who comes off worse in people’s comments. There are bad DILs out there too. There probably needs to be more detail such as in what was it she did to dominate? In what way was she rude? Etc

I hate my MIL, she’s selfish, always puts my husband down and has made no effort with our children. However, it’s my husbands mother and he needs to decide what relationship he has with her not me.

I’ve made it clear I won’t go to her house after an argument I had with her but he can arrange to see her with the children when he wants (which isn’t often as he doesn’t like her much either). I’ve said she cannot look after them on her own as my children have additional needs and she doesn’t know them but she doesn’t want to either. He’s asked her to come stay at our house 2x in 3 years and both times it’s been when I was away which suits me fine.

I think you need to be clear that what relationship you have with your mum is your decision, not your wives. But if your wife has a point about your mums behaviour you also need to call your mum out and ask her to apologise for the past.