Wife wont let mum come round at Christmas

[Unjeffeson]

Background:
My m(41) wife hates my mum. There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her. My wife also thinks I take my mums side too much when i try and explain her point of view or try and create compromises. This has led my wife to feeling like my mother is ‘the other woman’, and she sees red almost every time we discuss her.

Things have been stable if unpleasant for a while, with my wife agreeing for my mum to see our daughter every couple of months for an afternoon. In the meantime my mum is on the phone to me regularly about how depressed its all making her.

Whats happened:
My mum has asked if she can see us on Christmas day, so she doesnt have to be by herself. My wife has said hard no, she doesnt want her anywhere near us at xmas. Mum can see us at some point around the end of December but not on Christmas day. Wife says we need to maintain a united front to set boundaries with my mum on this.

Ive been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now as well as putting my wife’s desires first. It is important to me that my daughter knows her grandmother and that she doesnt get dragged into it. When we argue about it my wife makes ‘it’s me or her’ noises and i refuse to break up my family for what my mother wants. But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.

What should I do? Is it okay to say no to mum at xmas so long as we have another date lined up?

And i guess more importantly - had anyone here had a mother in law you feel is so unpleasant that you prevent them visiting, keep them away at xmas etc, in spite of the difficulty it causes your SO? Where’s the line of tolerance (if there even is one)?

Yes, visit with your child every month ortwo.
Christmas can be celebrated on another day, aggreed by your wife.
Stick to the plan and meet at the end of December.

Another option, if your wife agrees, would be for you to attend a public Christmas carol event with your mother leading up to Christmas.

@Unjeffeson This is a very sensible and workable solution.
Your Mum probably only wants to see you and your daughter, not your wife as the relationship is strained.

People get into such a bate over Christmas- It always seems to cause lots of upset.

My Gay male friend said ''Women {wives and Mothers in law} are often fighting over one man. {The son who also is the husband}.

I think he's right!

I do try to get on with my son's partner-thankfully a good young woman.

Why are so many posters jumping on here to call his mother awful when there are no actual examples of what she’s done wrong. It’s all about how his wife feels, no actual evidence of wrong doing.

The wife could be completely controlling, and to be honest she sounds it. Like your MiL or not why wouldn’t you at least let your husband take his child to see her more often? She doesn’t have to go with them, she doesn’t have to see the MiL but instead she dictates when they can?

Could you give some examples of what your mother has actually done wrong? Lots of new grandmothers can be over excited and say the wrong this and be a bit over the top, my mum definitely was, fortunately my MiL wasn’t.

With a lot of the MiL/DiL posts on here I think it’s usually a clash of (very similar) personalities. I think there’s a lot of men who marry someone who remind them of their mothers…

You've said what your wife thinks about your mum but not whether she's got a point or not. This is quite relevant to any responses you will get.

Do you agree your mum is difficult and unpleasant to your wife, op?

What actually happened when your daughter was born, how did your Mum dominate? It's difficult to say who is being unreasonable without knowing what has been said between your wife and Mum. Do you honestly feel your Mum has done no wrong or do you just feel you need to be loyal to her?

What exactly did your mum do?

What is your mum like? Is she a basically nice woman and your wife is chatting shit about her because of her own issues, or is she domineering and catty? Sort of makes the difference.

This ^

For God sake man , grow a bloody backbone. Your wife sounds horrendous. Although I concede this is subjective because we only have your side of the story .

Regardless.. the line about your wife 'allowing you to take your child to see her grandmother one afternoon every couple of months' .. gives me a fair indication of who is the unreasonable cow in this drama.

You are an EQUAL parent to your wife. I would put your daughter in the car and take her to see her GM whenever you want. You don't need your wife's permission !

Personally I would divorce a spouse who wanted to treat my mother like yours does. That way I would have 50 % of the time to take my child where I wanted to see who I wanted.

I have a MIL and I am a MIL. Your DM sounds like my MIL. She is awful. When we first met I tried for years. She bullied and manipulated every situation to get her own way, including decisions over our wedding and our child. It took years to stand up to her, especially as DH adores her and didn't see her behaviour as unusual because he had nothing to compare it to.
When you marry your loyalty is to your wife, not your DM. You should never be in the middle. Maintain your own relationship with your mother but don't force it on your DW, who clearly has had a gut full.
I adore my DIL. I'd never do what your DM is doing. I wait to be asked in all things. So far (after 12 years) we have a lovely bond, independent of my son. We're all going on holiday next week. MIL will not be there, my son sees right through her and no way would I ask her.

Nailed it.

Men do tend to go for women who fundamentally remind them of their mothers.

It's quite uncanny.

So you get a stubborn, ''my way or the highway'' Mum, and her son grows up feeling 'familiar' with that pattern , and subconsciously chooses a wife who matches the same personality.

When you look at MILS/DILS who clash, it's often because their personalities are fundamentally very similar.

Ain't that the truth 😂

Mumsnet is bonkers when it comes to Mils! OP your wife is welcome to not see your mum, but she doesn't get to dictate your relationship with your own mum, and you have a right to take your child to see Grandma. Stand your ground. As for Christmas day, compromise that you will popping over to your mums with little one for an hour or so to exchange presents. Either that or she comes to yours!

Your wife is your priority now. Her feelings matter. That doesn't mean cutting your mum off. If your wife wants you to cut your mum off, thats unfair of your wife imo. Sounds like she's just setting a boundary. Good for her.

she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her.

You say your wife thinks this about your mum...do you think this too about your mum?

Also,
so she doesnt have to be by herself.

If your mum is throwing this line at you....wow, that every manipulative imo.

ve been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now

Let your mum manage her own feelings. Do you have a codependent relationship with her?

Finally, Im on Team Wife

Good luck! :)

The two of you are a couple and need to decide together how to spend Christmas Day. This is sounding like you v your wife. Do you really want her to do something that she is so emphatically against? Can you recognise that she finds your mum's presence really upsetting and wants to give herself and your DC a stress-free Christmas Day? Could you compromise by having your mum over on boxing day instead? Maybe you want your wife to be the one to give in, but it is her home as well as yours and she needs to have some say on who is invited.

My FIL sounds exactly like your mum, luckily for me DH sees it too and when asked by FIL ‘it’s me or your wife’ (with whom he had 2 kids at the time), he chose wife - OBVIOUSLY. Just been written out of the will after years (over 15) of us putting in boundaries that were not respected… writing out of the will has not had the effect FIL desired 🤭🤭
I get that you want a big happy family but that fact is, you haven’t got one and you won’t have one if you undermine your wife in favour of your mother.

Your loyalty should be to your wife, whom you promised to love and honour when you married her.

Do you believe your wife?
Never mind half-believe, think she's exaggerating, don't think it's such a big deal:
Do you believe her?

If you disregard what she is saying and you think she's lying, then your marriage is a farce.
If you disregard what she is saying, and you do believe her, you're a coward that is simply placating your mother because it's the easiest thing for you to do.

Stop putting yourself in the middle. It's for two grown adult women to sort this out between themselves. Your wife has made her decision; you tell your mother she needs to discuss it with your wife and refuse to mediate.

I don't see why the OP's wife should martyr herself. Did you never think perhaps it was on your MIL to 'be kind'? It sounds like you were willing to make everyone just a little bit miserable on Christmas to appease someone who chose to act like a cruel bitch. Maybe your MIL would have learned to act with a bit more kindness if she had to face consequences, like not be invited to Christmas, for her terrible actions.

I agree with a lot of PPs here that it’s very hard to tell if your mother is awful or not.

Depends on how your wife is generally. Do you think she’s reasonable? Is she controlling?

What did your mother do, exactly?

Your mother could be a nightmare, or your wife could be, it’s impossible to tell from your OP.

It does read like you side more with your mother though? Is that true? If so - and your mother is the nightmare - that’s why you and your wife argue about it constantly. She will be able to see that you feel that way too.

THIS is a superb post. 🎯 ⬆️

@Unjeffeson Mothers in law on here are only to be detested, the term ''Go no contact'' and ''Little family'' {cringe} are thrown about where a similarly tempered wife and mother squabble over the son/husband is peak mumsnet.

I feel for you. Pulled in two directions by two very similar sounding personalities.

Not having to have my mother in law round every Christmas remains the absolute highpoint in a divorce that was full of bonuses.

' Ive been managing my mum’s feelings'

It is not up to you to manage your Mum's feelings, that is your Mum's responsibility.

' But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.'

it is up to your mother to deal with her misery.

The child in question is not your mother's child ! it is your wife's and your child.

One thing to remember - A happy wife is a happy life.

You CHOSE to leave your mother and become a big boy and get married, you CHOSE to get married.

You, your wife and child are your family now.

Impossible to say who is wrong or right here as there are always two sides to a story.
I'm sure your wife has made it clear why she feels this way. Have you spoken to your mother to make sure that she understands what those things are and sensitive areas of conversation? Or do you just make excuses for her when your wife has told you how she feels?
I don't think sweeping whatever the issues are under the rug at christmas and pretending to be a happy family is going to work.

After marriage and a baby, that is where your loyalty must be. If your mum's behaviour makes that impossible, then tough. In an ideal world, we all get along, but I wouldn't make my partner's life unpleasant for someone who treated them badly. I'd also convey to your mum that things aren't changing until she does. If your mum's behaviour isn't the problem and you've married a diva, then I might relent, but it would need to be my wife very in the wrong and my mother being an angel for me to see it that way, if it's 50:50 wife wins. Good luck.

I think the important thing is how you feel about your mum.

I know the mantra is your wife has to come first but I honestly feel that husbands do get a say in whether they love and see thier own mum. If I was told I couldn't see my mum because my husband hated her, I think people would start talking coercive control etc.

But I also think you aren't responsible for managing your mum's feelings and and it's not your role to defend you mum by giving her perspective. It's OK to give you own though if you actually agree or disagree.

I'm with your wife all the way here.

My own mother was so nasty one Christmas that one of my adult children packed up with their partner and left rather than stay in the house a moment longer with the old witch.