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Original poster

Husband with affair partner, trying to keep kids away from her

150 replies

Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 19:30

i have 2 small children. Ex had an affair with the local barmaid and kicked us out of our home as his parents own it. One year later they have come out as being in a relationship and my kids have been staying at hers. I had no idea until they announced it in the car. He has them 48hours a fortnight and increasingly 48hours a month. He is pretty much an alcoholic and she owns a pub. He has agreed to them not staying at the pub. However I don’t want the kids there full stop or her around them. She was a distant friend of mine so I messaged her and said that we had agreed that the kids weren’t to be there… yet she said she has no problems with the kids staying. I see this as manipulative and encouraging them to be there. I am angry she has destroyed their lives and won’t respect my wishes. This is the second family she has broken up. They have got away with it as now I am getting from our old mutual friends… we are not taking sides… get over it and move on… yet I am left with their dirty mess to clean up

OP posts:
Jimmyville · 12/10/2024 19:32

You need to pay a lawyer.

No one else can make your ex-H agree.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 12/10/2024 19:35

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

You're happy with 2 small kids staying with an alcoholic, but not with his girlfriend?

Singleandproud · 12/10/2024 19:38

If he is allowed the children he is allowed to decide who they spend time with when with him or who takes care of them on his time when he isn't there.

However she is far less of a problem than him being an alcoholic and I'd be glad there was a second adult around.

Terrribletwos · 12/10/2024 19:40

Why don't you want her around them?

StMarieforme · 12/10/2024 19:42

You are being unfair on the children. They will be very very confused and you cannot weaponise them or their relationship with their Dad, which unfortunately includes her.

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2024 19:43

You're creating stress for yourself.

She is not the problem.

Infact, better they are around her instead of him tbh. Or alongside, so she can keep watch. Considering he is an alcoholic.

She did not destroy their lives.

  1. He caused the break up. He cheated.
  2. Their lives aren't destroyed, they're kids, they already seem to be over it.

You are angry. But at what point do you let it go and decide to choose a happy life? All this rage at her only eats you up.

She has literally taken away your biggest problem (him). If anything I'd pity her.

Let it go.

ballybooboo · 12/10/2024 19:50

As shit and as painful as this is, they see the children 2 days a month? So 24 days a year.

Don't use your energy on this.
If your children are in danger then you can and should act, but seeing the OW for twelve weekends a year isn't in itself dangerous.

fruitbrewhaha · 12/10/2024 20:19

Well she isn’t a barmaid if she owns the pub is she?

You’re naturally upset about the breakup but it’s been a year, he has moved on and is in a relationship with someone else. He is allowed to have that person in the children’s lives.

Original poster
Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:06

I am the one left to tidy up there dirty mess, I have to listen to the kids crying at night. I have been left with nothing but the kids. Literally. Makes it hard to be happy and just move forward… if it was that simple I would of

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:07

Yeah and this it’s been a year doesn’t take away from the fact they had an affair and hid it to now for this exact same reason… just another dirty trick.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 12/10/2024 22:08

Legally, there’s not much you can do. He has parental rights and he is allowed to have anyone around the children whom he deems to be safe whilst they are in his care. He’s allowed to have them stay at her house if she’s a safe individual. I know that’s upsetting but legally, that’s the case. The best thing you can do for your children is to move on and heal. Don’t let his poor treatment of you turn you into a bitter person. Show them resilience and self respect. Focus your energy on yourself and building a strong, positive future for you and the children. If he really is an alcoholic, you need to access if he is safe to have the children.

Original poster
Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:09

There is legally nothing I can do until something goes wrong unfortunately… then it’s too late. 2 small girls sleeping out back of a pub is sickening with a whole lot of drunks and drunk males

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 12/10/2024 22:11

Is your husband fit and capable of caring appropriately for your kids?

Original poster
Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:12

yes nothing I can do until after something goes wrong unfortunately. It’s all psychological abuse on the kids and I really

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:14

Yes so why can’t he spend that time playing with the kids and not just sitting at the bar with the lady that helped to destroy the kids home and family. She is evil, she hurt my kids, I do not want her around them. She doesn’t remotely care about their well-being

OP posts:
Original poster
Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:15

He can be. But the writing is on the wall if he sits them at the pub all weekend that he won’t be

OP posts:
sprigatito · 12/10/2024 22:15

I don't want to say this, because I can't imagine many things more painful than having to put up with it - but you have to find a way of getting your head around the fact that you have no control of what he does when he has them. As long as they're safe he can do what he likes and see whoever he chooses. I don't know how you make peace with that, and you have my total sympathy, but you're only going to cause yourself more pain if you try to control things you just can't. It sucks, I'm so sorry. What a fucking lowlife he is.

Calliopespa · 12/10/2024 22:16

Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:07

Yeah and this it’s been a year doesn’t take away from the fact they had an affair and hid it to now for this exact same reason… just another dirty trick.

Yes I don’t think that post was fair op.

It was all about what he’s “ entitled” to do and totally glossed over the fact the relationship was a huge betrayal for you.

How do you honestly feel about this guy seeing your children? Yes, he’s their dad; but his rights don’t trump their right to be safe, and while ideally children have their dad in their life, sometimes a lowlife detracts more than adds. If he’s really alcoholic ( and a cheat!) maybe can you see a lawyer about the access arrangements . If I were you I’d feel happier if they weren’t staying over at night.

pictoosh · 12/10/2024 22:16

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2024 19:43

You're creating stress for yourself.

She is not the problem.

Infact, better they are around her instead of him tbh. Or alongside, so she can keep watch. Considering he is an alcoholic.

She did not destroy their lives.

  1. He caused the break up. He cheated.
  2. Their lives aren't destroyed, they're kids, they already seem to be over it.

You are angry. But at what point do you let it go and decide to choose a happy life? All this rage at her only eats you up.

She has literally taken away your biggest problem (him). If anything I'd pity her.

Let it go.

I agree wholeheartedly with this post.

Calliopespa · 12/10/2024 22:18

TipsyJoker · 12/10/2024 22:08

Legally, there’s not much you can do. He has parental rights and he is allowed to have anyone around the children whom he deems to be safe whilst they are in his care. He’s allowed to have them stay at her house if she’s a safe individual. I know that’s upsetting but legally, that’s the case. The best thing you can do for your children is to move on and heal. Don’t let his poor treatment of you turn you into a bitter person. Show them resilience and self respect. Focus your energy on yourself and building a strong, positive future for you and the children. If he really is an alcoholic, you need to access if he is safe to have the children.

I don’t think he’s allowed to have them stay with her if HE’s not safe though.

Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:19

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

sprigatito · 12/10/2024 22:20

Just to add - if you really think he isn't keeping them safe, which it sounds like he may not be, focus on that rather than the OW. You may have grounds to stop contact, at least overnight, if he's drunk around them and the sleeping arrangements aren't suitable. Start keeping a paper trail.

Reugny · 12/10/2024 22:22

Calliopespa · 12/10/2024 22:18

I don’t think he’s allowed to have them stay with her if HE’s not safe though.

Show quote history

Good luck with the OP proving it.

Oh and if she's managed to be a successful publican or pub manager in these times then she's unlikely to have much of a drink and drug problem.

There as it is likely the OP's ex is a functioning alcoholic and has lied to the OP plus this woman.

Original poster
Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:23

She is a heavy drinker and smoker too … she lives at a pub

OP posts:
Reugny · 12/10/2024 22:24

Btw I should add I've seen pubs go under within a year if getting "new management".

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