Husband with affair partner, trying to keep kids away from her

[Mugofgin]

i have 2 small children. Ex had an affair with the local barmaid and kicked us out of our home as his parents own it. One year later they have come out as being in a relationship and my kids have been staying at hers. I had no idea until they announced it in the car. He has them 48hours a fortnight and increasingly 48hours a month. He is pretty much an alcoholic and she owns a pub. He has agreed to them not staying at the pub. However I don’t want the kids there full stop or her around them. She was a distant friend of mine so I messaged her and said that we had agreed that the kids weren’t to be there… yet she said she has no problems with the kids staying. I see this as manipulative and encouraging them to be there. I am angry she has destroyed their lives and won’t respect my wishes. This is the second family she has broken up. They have got away with it as now I am getting from our old mutual friends… we are not taking sides… get over it and move on… yet I am left with their dirty mess to clean up

No way in hell should the OP hand those children over to someone who is over the limit.

OP has a duty of care to those children, and if they were killed in a RTA because their father was a drunk driver, and the OP suspected the ex was drunk, they would be complicit in those children's deaths.

That's the stark reality,

I feel for you op, what an awful situation. And I can absolutely see why you are angry with her. I think the whole “but she wasn’t married to you” trope is utter rubbish. She knew he was married, she knew you and she knew he had small children. It takes…a particular type of character to get involved with a man in that situation and it does not reflect well on her. I also don’t think you are 100% blaming her. You aren’t stupid, you know this is on him and he’s a totally selfish asshole. Unfortunately, you also know he is their father, so as much as you might not want to see him ever again, you have no choice, because of your young dc. He is important to the children, she is not.

But, here is the thing. The OW is important to him. There is no justice in this, it is entirely unfair, but he can choose to be with whomever he wants. And the fact that he is so lacking in moral fibre and has picked a similar person to be in a relationship with is his problem. He threw his wife and children out of their home, shacked up with a barmaid then doesn’t bother to see them other than the bare minimum? He has to live with that, that is his choice, his lack of character, his shitty behaviour. It is a reflection of him as a person and says nothing about you. Children are not stupid and it will all come home to roost for him as they get older.

if you have genuine safeguarding concerns about how the children are treated in his care then take legal steps to protect them. If actually you are just mad as hell with both of them and are trying to “punish” him, don’t use the children for that. Instead, get some therapy to help you work through this massive betrayal.

I wish you well op and I think in time you will realise you are well rid of this rancid man.

Man here. I don't go with the "she encouraged it" view. Kylie could turn up naked on my doorstep, and I'd hand her a bathrobe and say "put this on, and come and meet my wife".

If she threw herself at him, he could still have declined.

I feel for you and agree a year is nothing, op. However time will heal eventually and you'll move on. One day at a time.

I am appalled that your husband was allowed to kick you out of your home and that his parents, who own the property, did not try to stop it. I feel sure you could have hung on there somehow. What sort of place do you live in now, if you don't mind me asking? You don't have to say of course. However, he was heartless doing that not only to you but to his children, it beggars belief.

If your children are well cared for at your ex's and girlfriend's home, you can't stop them going, as long as they are happy to go.

Just because they had an affair it's no grounds to say you don't want his new partner around your dc. He's hurt you - yes but you'd need a good reason as to why they're not safe around her.

If you got a new partner and your ex didn't like them he can't say they can't be around the kids so neither can you

Op , I think you are getting a hard time on here regarding the ow . My ex cheated and while he did it , I absolutely cannot stand the ow . She knew he had a baby .

I totally get why you don’t want ex and his new partner influencing your children when there could be more drunk people than their father around them. Having been married to an alcoholic I know the poor decisions they make.
I think you need a long term plan. Is there any way you could get housed and work even further away from him? Though that might mean losing the support network of your parents.
From experience I cannot see any benefits to a child of an alcoholic father. As far as I could see my ex only gave his kids guilt and conflict.
Get legal advice, get something official in place and make him have to make an effort to see his children.

Yeah but that’s just misogyny at play. ‘Grin and bear it for the kids.’ ‘Don’t mention how your ex has really left you feeling.’ ‘He’s still a wonderful dad as he seems them once a fortnight.’

@Outwiththenorm , I agree , it sometimes seems that men can behave truly dreadfully, but women are expected to bend over backwards to accommodate their behaviour, so they don’t seem like the “ bitter ex”.

.I am angry she has destroyed their lives

Their lives will be destroyed far more by having a bitter mother to be honest, and it was him who cheated on you, she doesn't sound like a great person but he made a conscious decision to do this..

But the mother can get support and talk about this with other adults and her own support network, not her children. No need to say to them how wonderful their father is, but honestly having a bitter mother who projects this and burdens you with it is awful. Unless there are genuine welfare concerns a court would not prevent a dad from seeing the children, which would include his new partner; its best for OP to come to terms with this and try to move on.

@Mugofgin sweetheart you are still only just on your journey from the trauma of your husbands infidelity. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this shit and you are also trying to raise two very small children practically alone AND come to terms with the loss of your home.

I am absolutely shocked at the complete lack of empathy you have received from your so called friends and some posters on here.

Can I suggest that you search ‘surviving infidelity’ and their divorce and separation forum. There will be so many posters there who will give you a fair hearing as they understand the absolute trauma you are going through.

I do understand the need to put a huge amount of blame on the OW but that is a natural part of your journey out it will fade with time. Try to focus on your alcoholic ex husband and his ability to parent the children and if the contact is reducing just allow that to happen quietly. Her being there is inconsequential. She does not have parental responsibility for those children.

He sounds absolutely vile and I am no fan of other women either.

I really am sorry you’re getting such a tough time on here.

The person who was married and shouldn't have had an affair was your ex, not her. You're choosing the wrong person to be mad at. He's the one who destroyed your family by thinking with his dick. Sure, she's not blameless, but no woman has magical husband stealing powers that force men to behave like shits and leave their families. I hate when people blame the OW for everything. And no, I've never been one before anyone asks. I just think woman blaming is rank misogyny.

If he's not safe, or her house isn't safe, or they're being neglected or harmed or put at risk, that's a different story and of course you need to safeguard them - the drink driving he is doing sounds way more concerning than her tbh.

That's not misogyny. That's a parent not pulling their children into a situation that is about their parents, not them. The OP will be doing untold damage by weaponising those children. They will be fully aware how their mother feels about their father. How the OP feels about the OW is irrelevant here. Both of them should be working to make their children feel as loved as possible, and not stuck between their parents

Thank you. Just goes to show the lack of empathy and morals there are left in society. It really just enables people like that to wreck families with no repercussions. Very sad especially when there are little kids involved

Until you acknowledge your partner had an active part in choosing to cheat and leave you, you won't be able to move on. Sure, it's normal to also hate the homewrecker, but all of the posts you say you blame her, hate her etc because it's easier to accept he was lured away beyond his will and was manipulated into leaving you; he wasn't.

You are allowed to hate the OW. But it should have nothing to do with how you or your ex parent your children. If you genuinely think they are unsafe, then report your husband. If the reason you don't want your kids around her is because of the affair, that's just something you have to live with.

People like your ex husband you mean, surely? He's the one who wrecked your family.

@CrazyGoatLady , my ex absolutely had an affair, it the ow was very enthusiastic about it . It was a level of behaviour that would be seen as totally unacceptable by a friend for example , but it seems that women in my position are just supposed to accept it .

If you have children, unfortunately yes, you don't have to like it, but you do have to accept it and behave like an adult at least around them, and not weaponise them because you are hurt.

Should women have affairs with married men? No. But the greater responsibility for wrecking the family lies with the married man who had the affair. They made that choice. Blaming the OW for everything absolves the man of all responsibility, like they are children with no self control or restraint or ability to consider the consequences of their own actions. Men need to be held accountable when they do this and then treat their families like shit when they've moved on.

One thing you absolutely can do, OP, is check the terms of her licence. Is she a free holder, a tenant or a pub manager?

Some licensed premises are not allowed children in the bar at all, some only when eating a meal. If she is a tenant, some pub chains have specific rules on children. Some do not allow non-family to stay over night for security reasons. If she is pub manager, her employer may set rules on unrelated children and you can complain to them.

Check whether it is a pub that regularly has trouble. If so you can quite legitimately withhold access on the grounds of safety.

Is there gambling on the premises? Have there been arrests for drug dealing? Drunken brawling? Prostitution?

Search back through the archives or do a freedom of information request. Some pubs are absolutely not suitable environments for children.

And if you are totally sure your ex has been drinking heavily, do not allow the children in the car with him. Tip off the police if he is DUI..

You need to take steps to safeguard your children and in your shoes I’d take legal advice and also approach children’s services. Being proactive like this will go in your favour. I wouldn’t for now let them go to his, i wouldn’t let him drive them anywhere due to safety concerns. I’d tell him he can come and visit in your home/or investigate contact centres. Chances are he won’t bother.

If he does decide to fight for contact if children’s services have concerns about his alcohol use they can put a monitoring tag on him. Someone I know in the village had a tag put on by social services as someone made an allegation she was a big drinker and she had small kids. It monitored her alcohol levels. She agreed to it because they said if she didn’t then the kids would be classed as at risk.

Sorry the way i see it is your are disturblingly bitter..
Got get some legal arrangement and play it out, state your claims of alcoholic issues, unsuitable accomodation- have you seen this yourself?, you claim you wont be better off, how so.
God lots of families are destroyed.
Learn to rid your hatred and its nice to hear she accepts your children.
I pity the kids putting up with a bitter mother.
Good luck, go ring a lawyer and then realise he probably is allowed contact if hes a drinker or not.
That legally you will be scrutinised just as much ypu do them.
Time to accept your life has changed and get on with it.
Most of us pay thousands to rid our ex and the bitterness pretty quickly so we can all move on.
So pleased i did!
In the end we can only look after ourselves & children to be fully secure.

state your claims of alcoholic issues

OP was presumably fine for him to be around the children when they were together as an alcoholic, strange to now be concerned as it's a stick to beat him with, doesn't seem like the best thing for the children is the main aim here at all. I agree with your post.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, the bitterness and resentment is palpable in your posts. In some ways a year is a long time, in others, no time at all.

id urge you to seek counselling, as this anger and bitterness is only damaging you, and likely the kids, there will be no way to hide it.

he is their father as such it is his decision on where they stay or who they see when with him, you do not get to have a say, unless you feel the children are at danger, then go to social services

I’m not going to comment on the fact you’re so focused on her, and not him who was the one who betrayed you. Others have done that, but seeking counselling may help you come to terms with the fact your marriage ended, and in such a harsh way and now you need to allow him to parent as he decides, without your input on his time.