Page 6 | Husband with affair partner, trying to keep kids away from her

Mugofgin · 2024-10-12T18:30:30+00:00

i have 2 small children. Ex had an affair with the local barmaid and kicked us out of our home as his parents own it. One year later they have come out as being in a relationship and my kids have been staying at hers. I had no idea until they announced it in the car. He has them 48hours a fortnight and increasingly 48hours a month. He is pretty much an alcoholic and she owns a pub. He has agreed to them not staying at the pub. However I don’t want the kids there full stop or her around them. She was a distant friend of mine so I messaged her and said that we had agreed that the kids weren’t to be there… yet she said she has no problems with the kids staying. I see this as manipulative and encouraging them to be there. I am angry she has destroyed their lives and won’t respect my wishes. This is the second family she has broken up. They have got away with it as now I am getting from our old mutual friends… we are not taking sides… get over it and move on… yet I am left with their dirty mess to clean up

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 13/10/2024 11:01

Mugofgin · 13/10/2024 00:00

I mean to ask this in a nice way, but why shouldn’t I be angry with her

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Because he broke up your marriage, not her. She didn't force him. He chose to have the affair and betray you. She had no responsibility to you. He did. She has no responsibility to your kids. He does. The fact that he's still their dad doesn't make him better than her for having the affair, it makes him worse.

Of course you're angry with her, but you should be far, far more angry with him. You can't do anything about your dc seeing her or staying with her though. You need to just monitor the situation unless you have evidence that your dc are actually unsafe. Raging about it is just going to drive you mad.

HazelPlayer · 13/10/2024 11:10

sprigatito · 12/10/2024 22:20

Just to add - if you really think he isn't keeping them safe, which it sounds like he may not be, focus on that rather than the OW. You may have grounds to stop contact, at least overnight, if he's drunk around them and the sleeping arrangements aren't suitable. Start keeping a paper trail.

This.

Imbusytodaysorry · 13/10/2024 11:17

Elasticatedtrousers · 13/10/2024 07:31

@Mugofgin sweetheart you are still only just on your journey from the trauma of your husbands infidelity. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this shit and you are also trying to raise two very small children practically alone AND come to terms with the loss of your home.

I am absolutely shocked at the complete lack of empathy you have received from your so called friends and some posters on here.

Can I suggest that you search ‘surviving infidelity’ and their divorce and separation forum. There will be so many posters there who will give you a fair hearing as they understand the absolute trauma you are going through.

I do understand the need to put a huge amount of blame on the OW but that is a natural part of your journey out it will fade with time. Try to focus on your alcoholic ex husband and his ability to parent the children and if the contact is reducing just allow that to happen quietly. Her being there is inconsequential. She does not have parental responsibility for those children.

He sounds absolutely vile and I am no fan of other women either.

I really am sorry you’re getting such a tough time on here.

I feel my comment was honest not nasty .

The children are going to be majorly affected by OP when you can sense the bitterness On a forum , how do you think the children are feeling ?

OP needs therapy to get over what her ex has done she doesn’t have to put it on the children .
It’s going to be very damaging.
Affairs don’t have to hurt children if you shield them.OP is so hurt she can’t control herself and it’s her who will hurt the children .

The advice if she has genuine concerns to protect her children has been given , if not OP sadly has to put up with the situation and seek help for herself .

Toomanysquishmallows · 13/10/2024 12:51

@Imbusytodaysorry , sometimes children can’t be shielded from affairs and their consequences. My daughter and I lost our home because my ex had an affair.

AlpineCoromandel · 13/10/2024 22:39

Elasticatedtrousers · 13/10/2024 07:31

@Mugofgin sweetheart you are still only just on your journey from the trauma of your husbands infidelity. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this shit and you are also trying to raise two very small children practically alone AND come to terms with the loss of your home.

I am absolutely shocked at the complete lack of empathy you have received from your so called friends and some posters on here.

Can I suggest that you search ‘surviving infidelity’ and their divorce and separation forum. There will be so many posters there who will give you a fair hearing as they understand the absolute trauma you are going through.

I do understand the need to put a huge amount of blame on the OW but that is a natural part of your journey out it will fade with time. Try to focus on your alcoholic ex husband and his ability to parent the children and if the contact is reducing just allow that to happen quietly. Her being there is inconsequential. She does not have parental responsibility for those children.

He sounds absolutely vile and I am no fan of other women either.

I really am sorry you’re getting such a tough time on here.

Excellent post. Far more helpful to the OP than the mean girls gleefully sticking the knife in. Ignore those posters OP

Elasticatedtrousers · 14/10/2024 06:33

@Imbusytodaysorry i wasn’t necessarily responding to you. I was addressing the OP.

You have made an assumption here. You’ve assumed that the OP is displaying ‘bitterness’ to the children and damaging them, just because of some posts she has written on a female dominated ADULT support site. From what I can see she has actually supported this man’s contact with his children, has not tried to block it and is just venting in (what she thought was) a safe environment.

Accusing a mother of potentially damaging her children, the children she has nearly full responsibility for after HE had an affair, made her and her children homeless, she was separated from part of her support network and he has the children while drinking seems to me to be disingenuous.

Affairs are traumatic and abusive (yes they are seen as that) and take 2-5 years to heal. She is a year out and as such is still in flight, flight, freeze mode. The trauma will mean she finds it very difficult to think logically and calmly. It’s all very well for people to virtue signal at her ‘it’s not the other woman’s fault’ but that is not where she is right now. She is deeply wounded and coming here for what she thought would be a hand hold and empathy.

There are ways of being gentle, empathic and supportive. And many posters were not that.

Elasticatedtrousers · 14/10/2024 06:41

@Mugofgin I hope you have found surviving infidelity. The posters there will absolutely help you heal from all of this and unpick what is going on for you.

CrazyGoatLady · 14/10/2024 07:48

Elasticatedtrousers · 14/10/2024 06:33

@Imbusytodaysorry i wasn’t necessarily responding to you. I was addressing the OP.

You have made an assumption here. You’ve assumed that the OP is displaying ‘bitterness’ to the children and damaging them, just because of some posts she has written on a female dominated ADULT support site. From what I can see she has actually supported this man’s contact with his children, has not tried to block it and is just venting in (what she thought was) a safe environment.

Accusing a mother of potentially damaging her children, the children she has nearly full responsibility for after HE had an affair, made her and her children homeless, she was separated from part of her support network and he has the children while drinking seems to me to be disingenuous.

Affairs are traumatic and abusive (yes they are seen as that) and take 2-5 years to heal. She is a year out and as such is still in flight, flight, freeze mode. The trauma will mean she finds it very difficult to think logically and calmly. It’s all very well for people to virtue signal at her ‘it’s not the other woman’s fault’ but that is not where she is right now. She is deeply wounded and coming here for what she thought would be a hand hold and empathy.

There are ways of being gentle, empathic and supportive. And many posters were not that.

Edited

There's a difference between empathising with someone's feelings and actions though.

I can totally empathise with how OP feels - she's every right to feel furious with the OW, of course, and if her post had been about how she felt rather than asking for people to agree with her stopping the kids being at OW's house, I think she might have got a different response.

I totally get why she would want the OW erased from the face of the earth (preferably along with the sorry excuse for a man as well) but I'm not going to collude with her banning the OW from seeing her children and therefore making things harder on them, or blaming OW over and above her ex, who actually seems more of a risk to her children.

Toomanysquishmallows · 14/10/2024 07:49

@Elasticatedtrousers , brilliant post .

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/10/2024 09:15

Elasticatedtrousers · 14/10/2024 06:33

@Imbusytodaysorry i wasn’t necessarily responding to you. I was addressing the OP.

You have made an assumption here. You’ve assumed that the OP is displaying ‘bitterness’ to the children and damaging them, just because of some posts she has written on a female dominated ADULT support site. From what I can see she has actually supported this man’s contact with his children, has not tried to block it and is just venting in (what she thought was) a safe environment.

Accusing a mother of potentially damaging her children, the children she has nearly full responsibility for after HE had an affair, made her and her children homeless, she was separated from part of her support network and he has the children while drinking seems to me to be disingenuous.

Affairs are traumatic and abusive (yes they are seen as that) and take 2-5 years to heal. She is a year out and as such is still in flight, flight, freeze mode. The trauma will mean she finds it very difficult to think logically and calmly. It’s all very well for people to virtue signal at her ‘it’s not the other woman’s fault’ but that is not where she is right now. She is deeply wounded and coming here for what she thought would be a hand hold and empathy.

There are ways of being gentle, empathic and supportive. And many posters were not that.

Edited

I wasn’t taking your comment to me personally .

Is Op bitter ? Yes
Can we sense it on here ? Yes
Do her friends feel it ? Yes
Is her ex an arse? Yes
Is it horrible what happened to her and the kids ? Yes

What remains is OP still needs to get therapy so her kids aren’t damage from what’s happened .
She isn’t coping .

She also needs to rethink the kids safety with the ex.
If the kids are safe she has to drop it .

Original poster

Mugofgin · 14/10/2024 10:02

AlpineCoromandel · 13/10/2024 22:39

Excellent post. Far more helpful to the OP than the mean girls gleefully sticking the knife in. Ignore those posters OP

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Thank you. Yes so sad when woman are mean to each other and goes to show lack of morals some have

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Original poster

Mugofgin · 14/10/2024 10:08

Meadowfinch · 13/10/2024 08:25

My ex was an alcoholic. I coped because I made sure I always drove. Once we split, I could never trust him to drive my dc and be sober.

It is a perfectly reasonable, responsible and necessary point of view.

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Yes same here, he was never at home to look after them as he was always out at the pub drinking. I was always the responsible adult doing all the parenting

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Original poster

Mugofgin · 14/10/2024 10:13

CrazyGoatLady · 14/10/2024 07:48

There's a difference between empathising with someone's feelings and actions though.

I can totally empathise with how OP feels - she's every right to feel furious with the OW, of course, and if her post had been about how she felt rather than asking for people to agree with her stopping the kids being at OW's house, I think she might have got a different response.

I totally get why she would want the OW erased from the face of the earth (preferably along with the sorry excuse for a man as well) but I'm not going to collude with her banning the OW from seeing her children and therefore making things harder on them, or blaming OW over and above her ex, who actually seems more of a risk to her children.

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How does it make the kids lives harder by me trying to stop them going to the pub? It’s 48 hours, he could do something fatherly with them that’s far more in there best interest.

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Original poster

Mugofgin · 14/10/2024 10:19

Toomanysquishmallows · 13/10/2024 12:51

@Imbusytodaysorry , sometimes children can’t be shielded from affairs and their consequences. My daughter and I lost our home because my ex had an affair.

It’s hard and so unfair when you have to clean up a dirty mess which someone else has deliberately done to you and your children. I’m sorry you also had to go through it

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Coconutter24 · 14/10/2024 10:25

Mugofgin · 12/10/2024 22:32

Oh trust me I have been angry at him but he is their father. She played a huge role in encouraging it

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Yes he is their father so deserves more of the blame which you seem to be placing on his girlfriend. He was the one with the wife and children. She may of played a huge role in encouraging it (which I don’t condone!) however he could of said no, he could of shut her down, he could of had no contact with her, he could of said I’m married leave me alone it’s never going to happen….. he didn’t do that!

Original poster

Mugofgin · 14/10/2024 10:26

MyEarringsAreGreen · 13/10/2024 08:26

This. My mother constantly went on about how my father left "us". She always blamed OW too.

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unfortunately what a father puts a mother through does also impact on the children. He made a choice which also involved and affected his children in this case, the kids he was meant go love and protect. He knew they were at risk and he didn’t care enough about them.

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Secondstart1001 · 14/10/2024 10:33

@Mugofgin i don’t think you’ve been given a fair ride here with alot of negative posters. Yes while spending time with the ow is an issue for you because of what she did to your family, the context of the pub setting and the alcoholic ex is no place for your kids. Get a court order in place. Also I am not sure why a lot of posters are missing the cold hard fact that you and your dc got kicked out of their home. It also destroys point of your ex having the kids if he isn’t providing the care. Contact centre contact would be more fitting for him. Also sorry if I’ve missed this but logically how do you get your kids to him when he does that them? If it’s you taking them you need to be reimbursed and there’s also the other scary issue of if he’s driving to collect kids, dangerous as he’s an alcoholic.

Opentooffers · 14/10/2024 10:54

If she is working in the pub at the weekend ( given its the busiest time) and he is drinking in the pub, who is looking after your DC's and where are they in the building? Does your ex work during the week? Is he paying you cms?
I'd be finding out how looking after the DC's goes down at the weekends he has them. How old are they, you say 15 more years of co-parenting, so is the youngest only 3 ? Are they able to tell you what happens on their weekends there? Do they go willingly, without a fuss?
Let your DC's behavior and feelings towards it guide you. If safety genuinely is a risk you can stop contact. Yes he can take you to court over it, but would he want to fork out the thousands it would cost him in practice to do that?
Probably best to get the divorce done and dusted ASAP, then stop contact, but only if there is real concern. It's not acceptable on the basis that they hurt you and you want to get back at them.

Edingril · 14/10/2024 11:02

Mugofgin · 14/10/2024 10:26

unfortunately what a father puts a mother through does also impact on the children. He made a choice which also involved and affected his children in this case, the kids he was meant go love and protect. He knew they were at risk and he didn’t care enough about them.

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You have choices your children dont

CrazyGoatLady · 14/10/2024 11:07

Mugofgin · 14/10/2024 10:13

How does it make the kids lives harder by me trying to stop them going to the pub? It’s 48 hours, he could do something fatherly with them that’s far more in there best interest.

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Yes, and this is again a your ex problem, not an OW problem.

If he isn't actually looking after them during his time with them, and is drunk or unsafe, she's doing more to ensure your kids' safety than he is by having them to stay at hers.

Yet again, if their father is not looking after them, neglecting them or putting them at risk, that's a bigger problem than your kids being exposed to his affair partner. But you seem absolutely determined to blame her, despite the evidence that the shitty parent is your ex.

I understand you hating her guts, I really do. It sounds like you've been through a horrible time. But you have the wrong focus here.

MorrisZapp · 14/10/2024 12:01

She's done you a massive favour by the sounds of it, and in time you will realise it. He's a drunk, a crap father and if he drives drunk he's a criminal too. He couldn't give a toss about his own children. He's also a lying cheat. You and your kids will be so much better off without this deadweight in your lives.

Original poster

Mugofgin · 14/10/2024 23:42

CrazyGoatLady · 14/10/2024 11:07

Yes, and this is again a your ex problem, not an OW problem.

If he isn't actually looking after them during his time with them, and is drunk or unsafe, she's doing more to ensure your kids' safety than he is by having them to stay at hers.

Yet again, if their father is not looking after them, neglecting them or putting them at risk, that's a bigger problem than your kids being exposed to his affair partner. But you seem absolutely determined to blame her, despite the evidence that the shitty parent is your ex.

I understand you hating her guts, I really do. It sounds like you've been through a horrible time. But you have the wrong focus here.

Edited

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She is also a drunk and very manipulative

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Toomanysquishmallows · 15/10/2024 05:27

@Mugofgin , again total empathy, my ex stopped seeing dd1 , as he had a new family and couldn’t be bothered with her , but his ow was also a manipulative nightmare! She would ring him the second I was dropping dd off , even though he barely saw her .

Elektra1 · 15/10/2024 07:22

Speaking from the perspective of someone who has been through similar, I completely empathise with the OP's feelings. However, it seems fairly clear that she is allowing (understandably) her own hurt and anger about what happened to leak into her outrage on behalf of the kids.

I felt like this and it was very hard to separate a respectful co-parenting relationship (with someone who had hurt me so badly) from the divorce/relationship ending. I had a lot of therapy which helped me to accept the end of the marriage, and that an affair is NOT all the "fault" of the unfaithful one. Both parties will have contributed to that happening - not that an affair is in any way an acceptable way to deal with relationship difficulties, but it is a manifestation of such difficulties.

I get on ok with ex now, mainly by not commenting on all of the parenting choices they make which I don't agree with. Could my DC be happier? Yes. Are they alright? Also yes. Do they sometimes have tearful moments asking why their other parent lives with X? Yes. And I have to explain it in a way that doesn't involve "because they had an affair and chose X". Children don't need to, and should not, be in the middle of that. They just need to know that both parents love them.

cassy16 · 16/10/2024 00:19

In the nicest way possible marriages break up he wasn’t happy with you he left you not the children like you said “he will always be their father” stop thinking of yourself