Husband with affair partner, trying to keep kids away from her

[Mugofgin]

i have 2 small children. Ex had an affair with the local barmaid and kicked us out of our home as his parents own it. One year later they have come out as being in a relationship and my kids have been staying at hers. I had no idea until they announced it in the car. He has them 48hours a fortnight and increasingly 48hours a month. He is pretty much an alcoholic and she owns a pub. He has agreed to them not staying at the pub. However I don’t want the kids there full stop or her around them. She was a distant friend of mine so I messaged her and said that we had agreed that the kids weren’t to be there… yet she said she has no problems with the kids staying. I see this as manipulative and encouraging them to be there. I am angry she has destroyed their lives and won’t respect my wishes. This is the second family she has broken up. They have got away with it as now I am getting from our old mutual friends… we are not taking sides… get over it and move on… yet I am left with their dirty mess to clean up

My ex was an alcoholic. I coped because I made sure I always drove. Once we split, I could never trust him to drive my dc and be sober.

It is a perfectly reasonable, responsible and necessary point of view.

This. My mother constantly went on about how my father left "us". She always blamed OW too.

the op is clearly very bitter and resentful, the point people are making is is this man really an alcoholic or is she simply lashing out and attacking.

Regardless, the safety of the DCs must come first. If he is drink driving, he is not fit to collect them.

And if he's drink driving, he needs reporting to the police. If he passes a breathalyser, no harm done and op can gain some reassurance.

My friends mum was like this. She never ever got over it, and the bitterness and anger was there till the day she died, nearly 40 years after the marriage ended, it was so so difficult for the kids, even on their wedding days she didn’t wish the ow there and even him. Constant anger and bitterness.

it was such a sad waste of a life.

I think you need to change your thinking on that. Because it's just a line that gets trotted out. Often because it's true, but importantly, not always.
Many many children are far better off without their fathers in their lives when their father has addictions or is otherwise neglectful or abusive. We live in a society where men's rights are typically put front and centre, so their 'right' to dip in and out of their children's lives, to see them when, where and with whom they decide, exposing them to all types of disturbing and upsetting behaviour and poor influence is usually respected unless real danger can be demonstrated. But mothers up and down the country are fighting very hard to keep their children safe from contact with these men, and make sure that, while they usually cant prevent it, they can try to limit harm.
You need to do that too. So rather than be driven by your anger towards this woman, think objectively whats best for your children, their security and wellbeing, then propose contact arrangements based on that. If it were me there'd be no overnights at all with an alcoholic unless ordered by the court. I'd be pushing for supervised contact of a much shorter duration.

Be honest OP

You don't want the kids around her because it will make it awkward and difficult for your ex, and you want that win over them, especially her.

It's still disgusting to have addicts around children to the point you're concerned about their welfare, as OP allegedly is.

Sorry thought id started a new threat how do i move it🥴

Thing is if she'd said yes they can't come here then she'd be seen as stopping the kids seeing their dad. She can't win. Focus on him.

@Lesleyann2413

You could copy and paste your narrative above into your own new thread, then "report" your post on here, which goes to MN HQ and ask them to delete it here because you've started your own new thread. They'll sort it out.

Thanks not sure how to use this site.

Concentrate on what could make your children happy and safe.

Why are they crying at night?

Your husband sounds like a shitty person and both you and the kids are well rid of him. It sounds like he's found someone better suited to him.

Sorry if I've missed this, but is he paying fair contributions to the children? You need to focus on moving forwards and never put yourself in a vulnerable situation re housing like that again.

It is trauma and it has been abuse what he has put us through. Sad a lot of people sound like they are defending her and it actually feels that society is enabling this type of behaviour. I have been left with a dirty mess to clean up from their actions. Thanks for being kind and that is a good idea thanks

No one Is defending the affair op. I think maybe you’ve spiralled down so far you’re not able to rationalise anymore. It’s important to address that.

you need to seperate the affair and your marriage from what’s best for the kids. This is no longer an affair. They are the couple now, and clearly a solid one, as such, it is right he is able to have the kids with her. Unless of course there is abuse of th4 children, neglect or a dangerous situation. As in others would think so, not just you in real life. Past that. It is his decision, his relationship. And I’m afraid you need to accept that. But separating out what’s best for the children from your own anger and resentment about your marriage ending and the fact you’ve ended up living with your parents it’s important for you and the kids.

So he doesn't supervise the kids? He leaves then in the accommodation bit and sits in the pub?

I’m not sure I beleive that….

True. So she needs to shit or get off the pot. If she truly believes he’s an alcoholic then the kids could be at risk and she must inform children’s services.

Yes - what HE put you through sounds like it was traumatic. Leaving a relationship is, however, not abuse in itself. It sounds like he has been abusive in how he's handled it in kicking out his own children though and if he was abusive to you in the relationship, then yes, of course that's abuse.

Nobody here is defending the OW. People are simply saying that targeting your anger towards her is not going to help your children, who by the sounds of it are already suffering from everything that's happened, and it lets your appalling ex off the hook when you focus on the woman instead of his shitty actions. Of course it's ok to be angry at her - but she's not the right target here, if your ex is genuinely neglectful and putting the kids at risk, as well as having been an utterly selfish shit to his wife and children.

Yanbu to be devastated and hurt but yabu to bring the kids into it. Putting aside the emotion, if he has parental responsibility you cannot dictate what he does with the kids when they are in his care unless you genuinely believe there is a welfare issue.

If he genuinely is am alcoholic and the kids are at risk you can stop contact but think carefully before you go down that road

When you were together would you be happy leaving the kids in his care? Despite his drinking? If so is that really the issue or is it coming from.a desire to cause hurt and disruption to punish him? As reasonable as it is to feel that way you will mess your kids up and ultimately risk your own relationship with them if you pursue that.

I'm sorry this happened and blew up your lives, you must be distraught, but my advice is control what you can control, get some counselling/support for your kids, find some interests to take your mind off things when the kids go to him and really think about what you want your life to look like 12 months from now and start taking baby steps towards it. It is hard but you can pick up the pieces and move forward in time

My ex also had an affair and left for OW. I wanted our DC to be introduced to this situation slowly. Ex introduced DC to OW within 2 months (they'd moved in together immediately) and from then DC was spending time with the 2 of them - and OW's kids - together.

Obviously I hated this. I thought it wrong for the kids and it hurt me. But that was my DC's life and my job was to make DC comfortable with it.

If your ex is an alcoholic then that is a safeguarding concern which should be investigated. Him having OW around when the DC are with him is not the issue. And - I say this kindly - there isn't a thing you can do about that, other than make your DC aware that you're unhappy with it, thereby making them unhappy and conflicted. Is that what you want?

Sounds like it's only one weekend a month mostly- perhaps you could suggest 2 Saturdays a month so they don't stay overnight. You could say easier for everyone as he is helping out in the pub in the evening.

I think with a 4 hour round trip that’s not really feasible to be honest.