Husband with affair partner, trying to keep kids away from her

[Mugofgin]

i have 2 small children. Ex had an affair with the local barmaid and kicked us out of our home as his parents own it. One year later they have come out as being in a relationship and my kids have been staying at hers. I had no idea until they announced it in the car. He has them 48hours a fortnight and increasingly 48hours a month. He is pretty much an alcoholic and she owns a pub. He has agreed to them not staying at the pub. However I don’t want the kids there full stop or her around them. She was a distant friend of mine so I messaged her and said that we had agreed that the kids weren’t to be there… yet she said she has no problems with the kids staying. I see this as manipulative and encouraging them to be there. I am angry she has destroyed their lives and won’t respect my wishes. This is the second family she has broken up. They have got away with it as now I am getting from our old mutual friends… we are not taking sides… get over it and move on… yet I am left with their dirty mess to clean up

You sound more annoyed with her than you do with your ex husband. He's the one who broke up your family by breaking his marriage vows.

Good idea, he probably won’t even bother

I’m angry at both of them for what they did to me and those little kids. However he is there father and needs to remain in their lives

I mean to ask this in a nice way, but why shouldn’t I be angry with her

As shit as it is and he did do a terrible thing to you but your are not together when the kids are with him if they are safe with her you haven’t got a leg to stand on and you will probably find the kids really like her and are just keeping quite because of your obvious hatred for the women they also came out as in a relationship a year on you’d be better served putting Your energy into starting off your single life when you have free time from the children

You had 2 children with an alcoholic what on earth did you think would happen?

You need legal advice

Thank you for getting it and being a kind soul

Your friends sound like toxic gits too you need to raise your game a lot

Pretend you don't give a shit he is with her while simultaneously watching very very closely one day you will find you actually don't give a shit

That’s why I said if he’s not safe she has to access contact. If she can prove the children are not safe in his care she could possibly go to court and make sure the children are not left alone with him while he is drinking. She could request supervised acces, etc. However, I know the way the court system works and unless she can absolutely prove he’s unsafe, a court will not stop contact. The OP might be best to report her concerns to social services and have them access whether the children are safe in his care, whether the place they are staying is suitable or not. If the living quarters of the pub are accessible from with pub without a lockable door to stop punters getting in whilst the girls are there, I would say that would be deemed to be unsafe. However, if they are secure and the girls have a suitable place to sleep, are fed and provided for whilst there and both adults in charge of their care, (the dad and partner) not drunk they won’t determine they are unsafe. I don’t personally agree with the court system or the criteria for safeguarding but that’s the likelihood of what would happen. However, it’s important that if there are safeguarding concerns that they are reported because if the op does go to court, the court will ask why she allowed to children to keep going there is she had safeguarding concerns. It’s a rock and a hard place for op unfortunately. One one hand they could say she should’ve stopped contact for safeguarding concerns and on the other they could say she’s stopped contact due to being spiteful and not acting in the best interests of the children. That’s why concerns would be best reported to SS and then it will be noted that she raised concerns officially.

What they did and are doing to the kids is unfair

No parenting agreement at all in place. I could but if it goes to court would I potentially come out worse off.. at this stage he has minimal input or has them

She jointly did it to me and those kids, she knew us. He is a c u next Friday but he will always be there father and unfortunately we have another 15 years of co parenting. He did agree to keep them out… it is her that is encouraging it and not respecting our wishes

Thank you some good feedback and views. I agree I won’t be able to prove it to a means that the court is going to stop it… not until something goes wrong. He has verbally agreed to keep them out but she has not

"Yes he had an affair but he's the kids father"... surely that makes him a bigger prick? You seem to be letting him away with the affair because he's the kids dad. I get you need to put your anger aside for the kids sake, but you also need to put your anger at her aside for the kids sake. If their relationship continues, she could be a longterm feature in their lives whether you like it or not! Calling her evil and saying she did this isn't doing anyone any favours!

Get a solicitor and consider your children's safety. All your energy should be going into your children and making sure they are safe and happy. You are just wasting energy being angry at the woman your husband chose to have sex with! And if I were you I would stop communicating with her or contacting her. All communication through the dad only!

She is also a heavy drinker and smoker. Lives at the pub

Totally agree, poor role model, disrespectful to them and inconsistent with his contact.

She is evil what she deliberately did to the kids.
no their father deliberately did it, he was married with kids and chose to cheat and lie.
Don't be the crazy ex who is always lashing out.
If he makes little effort, don't chase him to see them, let him fade out, this all kids need a dad is a nonsense when he's a lying waster.

Then why on earth did you have children with him, there is no way you are hiding these thoughts about him and her from your children maybe you all need therapy?

If he shows little interest and increasingly has them less and less I would just wait for opportunities to let the contact reduce further. He says it will be awkward to have them in his weekend, don't suggest an alternative. He says he's busy this month, say okay let me know when you want to discuss next contact. Keep a record then you can argue it's upsetting for the children to go there as they hardly know him. Suggest he comes to your area and takes them out for the day.
However if you are really concerned about potential abuse / harm from the environment the children are staying in then you need to raise this with a lawyer and possibly safeguarding.
As others have said, keep your feelings about the OW and affair separate. This is all about what's best for the kids.
And really you should be thanking her for giving you a way out of a relationship with an alcoholic useless coparent.
Do better next time.

This is the second family she has broken up.
Sit tight and wait for her to move onto the third one when the shine wears off the alcoholic.

Don't be the common enemy that unites them. Act like you don't care and are glad to be rid of the alcie so she sees him for what he is quicker.

Honestly I can see why your friends say what they do to you .
You are obsessed. The whole post is about the OW.
If he has agreed then he is the one letting you down not the OW

I think you want your ex back and that why you won’t stop contact.

You can get a welfare check down wheh the kids are with him next that will maybe have some insight to how things are at his end .

If I had genuine concerns I’d do this or stop contact . You have no interest in doing anything other than go on about the other women .

Yes they both did what they did “to the kids”
you are keeping it going if you are not being an adult and keeping your mouth shut in front of the kids . You will do the damage .

I know children of divorced parents who have been more hurt by the bitterness of the betrayed mother than the father who left.

You are at risk of being part of the damage to your children.

And your friends are right not to take sides. Affairs are often not black and white, and if I knew someone who was bitter a year on I’d be wondering about the whole story.

Definitely not a barmaid . She’s a business owner .

Exactly this