Court is this right?

[exhaustedmum24]

Hi,

Soo I've got an ex who is extremely controlling and manipulative and uses our 18 month old daughter as a weapon all the time.

I had a mediation meeting yesterday and was basically told that I cannot take him to court to arrange access properly and for us too come to an agreement. I was told that if this man is like this he will prob not attend mediation to start with or even come to an agreement. If this is the case then I have to wait for him to contact court so then it can go to court and we can sort something properly this way. What is getting at me is why I cannot take him to court..... I've been told I can't and they won't look at my application because they cannot force him to have her certain days and times. I'm just really stuck here because I need something sorted. In not soo many words I was told to stop contact which will force him to take me to court but my concerns are 1. This will look bad on me as I'll be stopping contact which isn't what I wanted. 2. He has told me before he cannot afford court so it probably wouldn't happen. Im stuck at what to do, I also cannot be the one too do hand over anymore because of the abuse he gives me it's just really affecting me mentally and I've not been ok the last few weeks because of it.

I don't want to stop contact but I NEED this sorted legally because of the threats of keeping her and the constant abuse I get from him as well as there having to be set days soo she is in a routine and he still gets to see her and she gets to see him. It has been all about him, his works and his life and it's the ways it's been worked around the last 18 months he uses her to control me and my life and uses her against me all the time and I'm fed up with it! Sick of it in fact this is why I need it sorted but after yesterday's news it's thrown me a bit of honest. What can I do about this? 😬

so let me get this straight

You are pushing your daughter on to her father, who doesn’t want to be with her?

Stop him from seeing her

And see if he takes you to court

No he wants to see her but he's being awkward about when he's doing it soo I can't do anything with my life like work or socialise etc.

I can't take him to court so we can come to arrangement we both agree too he has too.

so how often does he currently see her?

Is he really someone you want to be pursing having time with your child?

He sees her every Thursday and every other Saturday.

He's her dad and she's not in danger with him.

So what's the issue?

I have asked him for months and months to change it to the other weekend soo I can get myself a bank job and get back into work. I get excuses constantly and false hope because he don’t want too and has never intended on doing so. I have three other children and they see their dad on a Friday to Sunday every other weekend and he has deliberately chosen to have her the opposite weekends soo I cannot do anything and I’ve always got the kids. It’s about manipulation and control. I’ve asked many many times nicely too swap the weekend soo it is the same as when the other three go to their dads but he won’t have it.

he’s a loser OP

so accept that

and be grateful he’s not pushing for more time

I would be relieved he’s so disinterested

No court can force him to stick to certain days

The information you've been given is correct. You cannot force him to have her set days. Any course order will state she has to be made available to him on the days stated. It will not mean that he must actually take her. That would be impossible to actually enforce. If he goes to court and says he only wanted her one day a fortnight then they can't say no you must have her more. You will just have to allow that one day and not prevent her from going on those days.

So stop asking and tell him you can only facilitate it when it works for your other children.

See when it's taken to court and a child arrangement has been ordered then I'm sure that's a legal document and if he doesn't follow what is stated on it then he can get in trouble.

I just need us to agree to weekends/times and come to an agreement soo it's a routine for her. It's always on his terms and he's always pulling the strings and it's not fair.

My question is why can I not take him to court? Why does he have to take me?

A court will not force him to see the dc.

I think at this point if he's not prepared to swap, AND he doesn't have a real reason (eg existing work commitments) then you could just say that 'as from x date, DC will be available on y days and z weekends. This will facilitate me to get back into work. The DC will be available on these dates only going forward.'

This puts the onus on him to stick to the dates, and you are evidencing that a- you are promoting contact and b- there's a good reason.

He can either take you to court (but without good reason for refusal I suspect he'll be refused based on pig-headedness) or he'll just not see the dc. Court will not force him to have the DC on a particular day, so be prepared for paid childcare.

The best thing you can do given the update is arrange childcare. You can probably claim some back via Universal Credit unless you earn quite a lot

No court will force a child to spend time with a reluctant parent. That's the top and bottom of it.

You could apply for a child arrangements order, which WILL force you to make the DC available for contact, but it WON'T force him to see the dc.

*See when it's taken to court and a child arrangement has been ordered then I'm sure that's a legal document and if he doesn't follow what is stated on it then he can get in trouble.

No! Only you can get in trouble if you refuse to send her. Court isn't there to make parents take dc, only to ensure they are made available. They might eventually stop contact after years of no shows but it would take a long time

FGS

No court in the land would force a parent to see his child

And is disturbing you think it should work this way OP

Will your original ex not be open to changing his weekend? You needn't tell anyone else about the change if he's amenable to it.

No I don’t think that, what I’m saying is will they change the days/weekends if it went to court?

I have spoken to him about this but his worry is when he finds out he will change his weekends again to spite me. Meaning my daughter’s dad. Then what can I do? This is what I mean he holds the cards but surely he can’t because how is this fair on women in general?

So you want all your dc with their dads the same weekend so it suits you? If that weekend doesn't suit him then why do you get to dictate? An arrangement needs to suit both parents and most importantly benefit the child

Is he keeping to the EOW at the moment?

A Child Arrangement Order is a list of days and times that you must make dd available for contact. Your ex isn’t required to turn up and won’t be punished if he doesn’t turn up.

An abusive man like that will either never turn up because he doesn’t want to be told what to do or will turn up sometimes so you’re stuck at home waiting to see if he turns up.

You can take him to Court so you can obtain a Lives With so that you can take your daughter abroad without his permission for 28 days. You could also get an arrangement Order for contact so that contact is agreed what days he has your daughter however no Court can make a parent parent so if he chooses to not have contact with her on his day, there is nothing you can do. As above if you want to work you will need to get childcare