Court is this right?

[exhaustedmum24]

Hi,

Soo I've got an ex who is extremely controlling and manipulative and uses our 18 month old daughter as a weapon all the time.

I had a mediation meeting yesterday and was basically told that I cannot take him to court to arrange access properly and for us too come to an agreement. I was told that if this man is like this he will prob not attend mediation to start with or even come to an agreement. If this is the case then I have to wait for him to contact court so then it can go to court and we can sort something properly this way. What is getting at me is why I cannot take him to court..... I've been told I can't and they won't look at my application because they cannot force him to have her certain days and times. I'm just really stuck here because I need something sorted. In not soo many words I was told to stop contact which will force him to take me to court but my concerns are 1. This will look bad on me as I'll be stopping contact which isn't what I wanted. 2. He has told me before he cannot afford court so it probably wouldn't happen. Im stuck at what to do, I also cannot be the one too do hand over anymore because of the abuse he gives me it's just really affecting me mentally and I've not been ok the last few weeks because of it.

I don't want to stop contact but I NEED this sorted legally because of the threats of keeping her and the constant abuse I get from him as well as there having to be set days soo she is in a routine and he still gets to see her and she gets to see him. It has been all about him, his works and his life and it's the ways it's been worked around the last 18 months he uses her to control me and my life and uses her against me all the time and I'm fed up with it! Sick of it in fact this is why I need it sorted but after yesterday's news it's thrown me a bit of honest. What can I do about this? 😬

This. It’s the best solution

Wait, does he ALREADY regularly work on the weekends you want him to swap to?

In that case I don't fancy your chances op. If this is the status quo then I suspect that even if you did go to court to get an arrangements order, he could contest it as the precedent has already been set. Just because your other DC see their dad the opposite weekend doesn't mean that he should swap an established working pattern for your convenience.

Would your other kids' dad swap HIS weekends? I doubt it...

Court will not ask him to take the specific weekend you want, it will instruct every other weekend but not the specific dates.

I really wouldn't advise court, although my circumstances are different it cost me two years of my life and £25,000. Although my case was extreme and probably not comparable to yours, it still was an expensive, emotionally difficult process. And courts will not force him to see his child because it's inconvenient for you- though you have my complete sympathies I absolutely agree that he should swap, but the law can't be applied the way you want it to be.

Is it possible to change the contact of your other children instead?

The thing is he wants too see her, soo if it went to court I know he would stick to what's agreed.

It's just getting him to agree with me what weekends as he could have her the weekend I would like him to have her as he only works 7am- 2.30pm that Saturday but he's just being awkward about it all. I even said if you feel like you're losing time with her you can always have her in the week for a few hours after work as he works those same hours in the week too.

Yes he works regularly but I've even suggested it round his work, he could have her after work the Saturday he works as he only works 7am- 2.30pm and then if he feels he's lost a few hours with her by swapping the weekend he could have her in the week too as he works those hours during the week also. It's not about me stopping him seeing her it's about working it round his works and it benefits us both.

So he already works the weekend he doesn't have her?

So he needs to change his weekend and lose time because you want to get a job and your other kids dad has then the alternate weekend?

You're asking him to change his weekend and lose contact hours to suit you? Why should he? He wants a full weekend with his child not a few hours after work

Does your daughter go to nursery op?

from your other threads… you want him to have your daughter more so you can socialise

Just accept you have 4 children, one of whom is practically a baby, and perhaps the time for socialising isn’t now. It will come though. But it shouldn’t come at the cost of your barely toddler dd been forced upon someone who doesn’t want her

You're not getting the point.

He deliberately has her those weekends so I can't work, so I can't socialise, soo I am unable to do anything. It's about controlling my life and me.

The point is I'm giving him all alternatives and being fair I'm telling him he can have her. Not stopping him. He has told me he will sort it has been for the last 17 months but he hasn't because he doesn't want too I've told him I've been struggling mentally and need his help and support and he still won't do it.

No she doesn't. She's two in April.

It's not even about socialising, I'm a mum of 4 children and my life is boring and tedious, I can't do anything I'm stuck doing the same robotic mum stuff washing, cooking, cleaning and I need some me time and I want to work I could do a few shifts a month if he was too just swap the Saturday so I get a change of scenery and without being in the same routine. It's driving me insane doing the same thing day in day out it's not helping my mental health. I'm struggling with this. Plus the shit I get from him constantly all the time putting me down, giving me shit every time he gets her or drops her off.

tricky op

but that is how it will be until she’s 2 and until then just try to make the best of it

but don’t force this baby on someone who doesn’t want to be with her

Your problem began when you kept having children with different fathers.

Was it part of a plan for child free time?

That's not how family life works. My kids are with me 24/7. Is use childcare during the week and can't work weekends because I have children. That's the way it goes.

Put her in nursery so you can work, like everyone else does.
Unless it’s really about having a weekend off to socialise

It makes sense that you want the children all at home on the same weekend, because they have a right to quality time with their siblings. A court would agree with this.

I didn't think when I was a little girl my dream when I grow up is to have children by multiple men and bring them up myself.

So that comment is actually very narrow minded and you do not know anything about my life or my situation and the circumstances that has left me in this situation.

But just for you I'll give you a reason why I'm in this situation.

1st guy young love was with him at 16 I ended up pregnant at 19 after a miscarriage I fell pregnant very soon after the bloke ended up being a drug addict and got himself into debt and ended up leaving the town because he was in trouble with some nasty guys we was together 3 years that relationship ended.

2nd guy was with him over 8 years we got married and 6 months later cheated on me. I had to leave my full time job and become a single mum too three kids.

Daughter's dad trapped me. I didn't want anymore kids I even took the morning after pill, didn't work found out I was pregnant wanted to have a termination but he manipulated me and fed me false hope with how supportive and loving he will be, used to kiss my tummy and tell me not to kill his baby even though he knew how I felt, I kept her and now look.

So before you judge someone for have multiple dads and shame them for that actually think before you write not everyone had a fairy tale ending and situations are beyond their control. If I had known this would of happened I would never of had children.

It is so I can work, can make my new home a home and decorate and yes so I can have some down sometimes. What's wrong with that?

Even if you did have court ordered set contact times, he'd still fuck around and not turn up if it suited him.

There's nothing the courts can do to make him reliable and less likely to use access as a weapon against you.

You need to work out alternatives to allow you to work and socialise that are not in any way dependent on him.

It's shit, but that's the situation.

Surely there’s someone else who can babysit so you can go out for an evening? Your mum maybe? Other family members?

Some of us have our children 24/7 with no option to ship them off to co parents for the weekend. I expected to live with my children full time.

He is giving his daughter routine already by having her EOW and every Thursday. That you would prefer it to be the opposite weekends isn’t a reason for you to argue that he’s being a rubbish dad and say that he doesn’t care about her routine.

If pickups and drop offs are difficult because you argue, that will be the same whichever weekend it is.

Im sure there are good and valid reasons why you don’t want to be with him OP, but he doesn’t owe it to you to make things difficult in his own existing workplace on the chance that you will find new work on those days.

Nope I have no help, no friends who can help no family who can help, I’m doing it all on my own and have done the last 4 years and he knows this. This is why he is being this way because he knows I rely on him to have her and see her but knows if he has her the alternative weekends I still can’t do what I want to do like work and decorate and stuff, I’ve tried to talk to him nicely about it and have done loads of times but he tells me no and is just an ass about it all. I’ve stressed to him that I’m struggling doing it his way and it’s not working, I have worked around him and his works and his life the last 18 months and he knows I’ve not been happy with the arrangement but he won’t budge. I’m stuck in a situation where I don’t know what else to do.

I haven’t said he’s a rubbish dad, I’m just stating that he has been awkward and controlling with it all. This is the fact he’s controlling my life through our daughter and that’s what is not fair. When she starts nursery and school the Thursday aren’t going to work as I already have two different school runs to do.

It is difficult for you, but court won't change it.

You can't rely on him. So you need to stop asking. It's just a waste of your energy and emotions.

It might be if you find alternatives, he stops being so difficult as he won't be getting the joy of the power play. He probably gets off on it. But you can't make him do the right thing.

Can you change the other 3 kids week so it's the same?

OP you simply are not going to get what you want from the courts. He is currently seeing her regularly that is all they are interested in. You don't need to get in touch with him for anything really so can avoid any abusive behaviour, he picks her up at the door at the right time you tell him if she's eaten / on medication and then he brings her back and gives you the same information. If he's late then give him 30 mins leeway in case of traffic then get on with your day and he doesn't see her. You stop trying to change the days and learn to work around them as DC gets older the schedule will change naturally but currently little and often is best.

If you want to work then DC will have to go into childcare during the week and you will need a weekday job, or you will need to sort out suitable childcare with family / friends or a paid babysitter. You are no longer together, you are no longer husband concern and he doesn't have to support you in your career goals no matter how unfair that may seem.

You’re not in relationship, he doesn’t need to switch his work, regular contact and life so you can (maybe) work and decorate. That’s just the breaks. You have DC with multiple dads, you can’t force (3?!) people to fit their lives around you.

Put her in a nursery and work then.

There's no traffic he don't drive and lives 10 min walk away, he don't just leave though he has to start and this is every time he has to make comments and digs about me and my life, this is why I don't want to be the one he gives her over too I've dealt with this emotional and mental abuse for over a year and I'm not doing it anymore he makes me feel deflated, worthless and useless he constantly slates my parenting and tells me I'm a shit mum. I do not want to hear this anymore as it's affecting my mental health and making me depressed and feel low. He is always late, changing times last min and sometimes brings her back early. All of this is not ok.