Court is this right?

[exhaustedmum24]

Hi,

Soo I've got an ex who is extremely controlling and manipulative and uses our 18 month old daughter as a weapon all the time.

I had a mediation meeting yesterday and was basically told that I cannot take him to court to arrange access properly and for us too come to an agreement. I was told that if this man is like this he will prob not attend mediation to start with or even come to an agreement. If this is the case then I have to wait for him to contact court so then it can go to court and we can sort something properly this way. What is getting at me is why I cannot take him to court..... I've been told I can't and they won't look at my application because they cannot force him to have her certain days and times. I'm just really stuck here because I need something sorted. In not soo many words I was told to stop contact which will force him to take me to court but my concerns are 1. This will look bad on me as I'll be stopping contact which isn't what I wanted. 2. He has told me before he cannot afford court so it probably wouldn't happen. Im stuck at what to do, I also cannot be the one too do hand over anymore because of the abuse he gives me it's just really affecting me mentally and I've not been ok the last few weeks because of it.

I don't want to stop contact but I NEED this sorted legally because of the threats of keeping her and the constant abuse I get from him as well as there having to be set days soo she is in a routine and he still gets to see her and she gets to see him. It has been all about him, his works and his life and it's the ways it's been worked around the last 18 months he uses her to control me and my life and uses her against me all the time and I'm fed up with it! Sick of it in fact this is why I need it sorted but after yesterday's news it's thrown me a bit of honest. What can I do about this? 😬

because he has a daughter can he not just say to his employer I see my daughter x y and z and need this time off to see her? Is there not flexible working for parents/fathers?

No.

Yes I was advised this but it seems as though it’s a lie. As I can apply still so I don’t get why i was told this by the mediation lady. 🤷🏼‍♀️

As PP above said they probably meant that you wouldn't achieve your goals. I guess it's true technically that either parent can apply as long as you've tried meditation. But it would still be a monumental waste of your time, money and energy.

This is true.

I guess this is how my life is going to be until she’s 18 then. Him dictating to me when he wants her. It’s just such a shitty situation.

Why are you doing this? If he wants to see her let him give you a time and date and then you say whether you are available that day or not-simple
if he complains about it, explain you have already tried to put a set time and day in place and he wasn’t interested

oh don’t be a drama llama Op

Court orders are against the resident parent which is you. So no you can't take him to court. You can go to court to get an order against you which will stipulate when you must make child available. But as the order is against you he will face no consequences if he doesn't follow it.

Also many expenses I've read of family court is they don't give a shit about the mother, often put father above the child. Myself I had to work around exs shifts which made my working very difficult, I was responsible for childcare on the days he had child and then when he knew I was relying on contact to work he would cancel anyway.

If you stop contact it will look bad on you. Wanting a set pattern so you can work is only acceptable if you are the dad the mum must sacrifice her life now.

You possibly have an argument that your youngest deserves a relationship with siblings and as she is away when siblings home then home when siblings away they get no quality time as a family due to school on weekdays. But it's a gamble on if a judge thinks the same as they rule based on their personal decision/opinion there is no jury and what happens in family court can't be talked about publicly so they don't face any come back on being misogynistic pricks

I think you need to accept where you are at. But use the mediation then pote really court to get a realistic plan in place.

You say she's 2 in April. When do you intend to start her at nursery? Do you have a nursery place for her / nursery in mind? If it's after Easter I'd get that booked. That gives you some stability.

Then I'd talk to dad 1/2 and agree the swap from say 1st Dec.

Then I'd go back to mediation with a plan. With a view to a CAO if he doesn't attend mediation.

The plan would be:

• Existing weekends stick.
• Changes to midweek once she's at nursery - so he collects from nursery to continue his Thursday, (or his day changes as you can't do all the pickups and make it work - but I'd keep that in reserve)
• as nursery increases at age 3 propose EOW on his existing weekend from that point, with Friday nursery pick up, Monday nursery drop off. With maybe Thursday to Friday on the off week or just keep the Thursday tea. This continues when she starts to school (make responsibility switch from 12noon or something on handover day so he has to cover afterschool if need be).
• have a plan for school holidays, birthdays, Christmas or whatever religious festivals are important to you.
• CAO enables you to take her abroad on holiday without his explicit permission.

If you have a clear plan, which includes the current arrangement, but takes into account things like nursery/school then you will come across as much more reasonable to the mediator/judge than demanding he changes his weekend work shifts to suit you.

Don't be patronising. Me and others have taken time out of our lives to help you and you keep asking the same thing over and over in different ways.

How have I asked the same thing on different ways? Please explain.

I have asked a questions and researched myself, I’ve taken into consideration others advice which I am thankful for. If this thread frustrates you simple don’t comment and click the un watch button.

Then how about "thanks" rather than "go away if you don't like my rudeness?"

Don't know what is wrong with you but good luck.

Thanks when you're being shitty?..... 🧐

Yes I have worked!! How dare you!! 🤬

I was wondering if dads can apply for flexible working as I have done in the past.

Why bother replying to me if you're going to comment shitty comments!!!

Disgusting!

OP, this man has shown you who he is. He is not someone you can reason with, he is not someone who wants to help you. There’s no way he’s going to ask his employer for flexible working.

You have to start accepting the fact that he will not give you what you want. No, it’s not fair, and it sucks for you, but he’s not going to change.

Kepp offering the weekends you’ve already agreed, and the Thursday evening. Don’t make plans for those days because you know he’s not going to be reliable. If he asks for any alternative days, say no.

Stop giving him information about your life, stop asking him for help as it just gives him more power.

Whether he can or not he doesn't want to!

True.

Thank you to everyone for your replies (the helpful ones) I do appreciate the help and advice.

I will look into a nursery for my daughter and get myself back into work that way. I will also speak with the boys father to see if he will swap the weekends.

I initial though your ex was being unreasonable until you said he works the weekends you want to change to. That is entirely unreasonable on your part. Why should Dad miss out on time with his DD just because you now want to find a job at the weekends / have a child free weekend.

Court, also as alot of PP have said, isn't about setting specific weekends that your ex HAS to have DD but about setting specific weekends that you HAVE to make her available to him. As you ex already has the long standing (or so it seems from your posts) weekend work, its likely they would stipulate 'on his non work weekends'. I know someone they did this for.....but the dad still didn't take the child as in his words 'it was his child free / work free weekend'. My friend still had to make her daughter available every other weekend just in case he changed his mind until a few years later the court terminated his parental responsibility.

Hi OP, I’m a family barrister.
You’re getting a real kicking on here, and it seems to me to be a bit unfair. I do wonder if you haven’t explained yourself as well as you want to. I don’t mean that to sound patronising!

First things first, I don’t agree with the mediator you saw that you cannot bring an application for Child Arrangements. Of course you can - anyone with parental responsibility can! You would be seeking Child Arrangements Order, and saying that the current informal arrangements are not working well and are not in your child’s best interests, so there is a need to formalise the arrangements.

The next question though is: is this a good idea? What do you hope to gain, and what can the Court realistically do to help you?

I actually think, based on what you’ve said, that there is a basis for an order being made. It seems that at the moment, your ex switches up arrangements all the time, and so there’s inconsistency and uncertainty for you and - more importantly - your little one. An order would formalise arrangements: it would be clear to you both on what days she is with him, and what days she is with you. If he then can’t make those days or doesn’t want to see her, he cannot be compelled to, but you are under no obligation to offer him a make-up day or cater to his whims. That is where you seem to feel the control comes from.

If you do decide to pursue this (and please do think carefully, and take some initial legal advice) be aware that you may not get the outcome you want. You will likely incur significant costs. And you could be opening a whole can of worms: what if once the application is made, he changes his position to say that he wants her more than he currently does? How would you feel about that?

One final thing: if you decide to go down this path, I would think carefully about how you present your case. It’s probably not very helpful to frame this as being about his control of you, or about your wish to have some time to yourself. The Court will probably not be sympathetic to that, just as posters haven’t been here. Instead, I would focus on why this is best for your daughter, in particular:

• The need for certainty - the current arrangements are too ad hoc, they lead to inconsistency which is bad for your daughter and creates acrimony between you and your ex, which as she gets older, she will pick up on.
• The current arrangements mean that your older children do not get to have a full uninterrupted weekend with their little sister - when they are with their dad, she is at home, and vice versa. It’s important that your youngest has the opportunity to develop a full relationship with her siblings, and the current plans don’t seem to allow that.

Hope that helps!

While this is certainly an issue for the courts and for an agreement to be made but in the meantime you have the issue of the contact in the meantime. You might want to consider the compromise of an independent supervised contact service in your area. They can do handovers and deal with communication and supervise the visits so that you don't have to worry. Its not a solution but it might provide a bit of relief and consideration on both parties to find a more permanent solution