Court is this right?

[exhaustedmum24]

Hi,

Soo I've got an ex who is extremely controlling and manipulative and uses our 18 month old daughter as a weapon all the time.

I had a mediation meeting yesterday and was basically told that I cannot take him to court to arrange access properly and for us too come to an agreement. I was told that if this man is like this he will prob not attend mediation to start with or even come to an agreement. If this is the case then I have to wait for him to contact court so then it can go to court and we can sort something properly this way. What is getting at me is why I cannot take him to court..... I've been told I can't and they won't look at my application because they cannot force him to have her certain days and times. I'm just really stuck here because I need something sorted. In not soo many words I was told to stop contact which will force him to take me to court but my concerns are 1. This will look bad on me as I'll be stopping contact which isn't what I wanted. 2. He has told me before he cannot afford court so it probably wouldn't happen. Im stuck at what to do, I also cannot be the one too do hand over anymore because of the abuse he gives me it's just really affecting me mentally and I've not been ok the last few weeks because of it.

I don't want to stop contact but I NEED this sorted legally because of the threats of keeping her and the constant abuse I get from him as well as there having to be set days soo she is in a routine and he still gets to see her and she gets to see him. It has been all about him, his works and his life and it's the ways it's been worked around the last 18 months he uses her to control me and my life and uses her against me all the time and I'm fed up with it! Sick of it in fact this is why I need it sorted but after yesterday's news it's thrown me a bit of honest. What can I do about this? 😬

It’s not about fitting it round my life, it’s me asking nicely to change his weekend which he can because it DONT affect him or his work and me still allowing and doing everything in my power for him to still see his daughter. I’m asking for a little bit of compromise. The boys go to their dads a certain weekend what is hard with her going the same weekend? He can do it but chooses not too!!

Firstly You need to put in reasonable boundaries so you are being reasonable should he take you to court, and so that you can plan.

Bear in mind that he does hold all the cards, because if he wants, he can just not take her the weekend he says he would - so court will do nothing for you that you can't do (apart from the threats to kidnap - but even then I'm not sure how much use they are)

My ex is required to give me 2 weeks notice (and TBH, the judge thought even that was too little) of when he wants to see the kids (and I can say no if the children don't want to go/we have something already arranged)

Any less than 2 weeks, and it's an automatic reject. It at least gives me the opportunity to plan a little bit.

Secondly, you need to stop telling him anything more than the bare minimum. Don't explain yourself, don't bend over backwards to make up time if he decides to not turn up to an arranged visit.

Grey Rock him. All visitation requests go through a shared calendar, not long emails (also gives you a paper trail), and certainly not calls.

If he asks to see her 2 saturdays from now, but you already have something that you're doing with her that weekend, just reject the invite. Don't explain. If there's nothing, just accept the invite and say nothing more. Don't ask to change weekends because you have work - that just gives him information to control you with - just yes/no and silence about every other aspect of your life.

Times:
Text him DD will be available from 10am until 4pm, (or whatever time you do) if you are more than 10 minutes late I will be continuing my day and going out and taking her with me and will not be returning until 15:50."
If he changes the day / times last minute then he doesn't get her. If he gives you reasonable notice then consider it.

Dont give him the opportunity to make comments have DD dressed and ready for when he comes ( if he doesn't come go to the park) " ah theres Daddy. [open door] she had some Calpol at 8am as she had a temperature. Bye baby see you later have a nice day [shut door]"

On return "[open door] hi baby, I'm glad to see you. [Child comes in]. Say Bye to Daddy, see you Thursday [shut door]" be brisk. There is no need to get into conversation.

If you really cannot do handovers and have no family or friends then you ask for a referral to a contact centre where the staff will do handovers instead, you can normally be referred by a solicitor if you have the service in your area. Alternatively as he is only 10 mins away, you take control and pick and drop her off so you have the option of walking a way.

OP it would seem that you socialising results in forming a relationship with a man, having a baby with them, and then separating from them.

So bide your time until your little girl starts nursery and then get a job but don’t, FGS, get straight in to a relationship

How old are you?

I’m asking for a little bit of compromise.

And you aren’t going to get it Op

Wow what a shitty comment.

Have you not read my previous posts? 🙄

Seems that's way.

Court won't achieve what you want unfortunately.

Does he know your ex or have any contact with your other children? If he doesn't, and his issue is control, I'd be tempted to let him think you're swapping weekends with your other ex to give you a weekend off. If it is about control and you not having a free weekend he'll likely demand a change.

You can apply for a CAO, but as others have said, it’s permissive in nature. So it allows him to ‘spend time with’ DC on set days, but only those days / times. That would least give you some control as to when he definitely can’t see them, but no more control as to when he does because you can’t force him to turn up.

the advantage of a ‘lives with’ order in your favour is you can take DC abroad for up to 28 days without his permission.

Oh and the less he has them overnight the more child maintenance he has to pay. I hope this is all sorted…

That ship has long since sailed

Honestly, why would you bother to try and keep him in your DD’s life, if he is like this now how is he going to treat her when she is old enough to know what games he is playing and failing to turn up for her contact time or be there when she needs him. And I do agree, stay away from relationships, your kids will not benefit from having men flit in and out of their lives and treat their mum badly.

Yes OP

which led me to that write that post!

Yep.

And presumably the other fathers also don’t wish to swap

Had this from my ex, from day 1 ten years ago, it never changed it just fuelled my energy into getting away from him and any dependency I had on him for a break or what I needed. It's been hard and I leaned to hide my life from him and reduce contact as much as possible. What worked for me was me was keeping my world secret from him, he 100% has not changed.

What a nasty judgemental cunty thing to say.

You have this backwards.

You can take him to court.

A court order does NOT compel him to take your daughter. It compels YOU to make your daughter available to him at certain times and days. It's of no benefit to you, so while you can take him to court there's no point.

In future maybe think about what you write before you write nasty, shitty comments like this. Extremely judgemental and not actually needed.

I don’t have men flit in and out of my children’s lives. 🙄

This isn't how court works though. He can agree to whatever you ask in court but then continue doing exactly what he wants afterwards. Court isn't a big daddy who can tell idiot fathers to behave themselves and put them on the naughty step if they don't.

The other father does want to swap but he worries he will do that and then my daughter’s dad will end up swapping again to spite me when he somehow ends up finding out.

No he won't get in any trouble. You've completely misunderstood the purpose of family court. Absolutely nothing would happen to him.

You can go to court yourself for a child arrangements order. I did. However, it won't make your x have your daughter. What it could do is prevent your x from vetoing you taking the kids on a foreign holiday, and stop the threat of him refusing to hand your daughter back.

Another poster makes a good point that your x's refusal to change weekends is having a detrimental impact on the sibling relationships. Will you never do family things together on a weekend because of this? If your x cannot change his weekends, there's not a lot you can do. However, if he could but won't, it's fine to say as if specific date, contact will move to weekends you want. However, doesn't mean he will step up.

By far the better solution is to arrange your life as if your x did not exist. If you don't depend on him, you can't be let down by him. Stop arranging ad hoc contact which he then cancels. That's no good for anyone. Stick to set dates only. Sort out childcare or befriend other single mums and arrange mutually beneficial childcare swaps.

I was a single parent for a long time. I had no family either. However, I did have some amazing friends (also single mums) that offered support. I also lived well below the poverty line for years because of the cost of childcare and never had any maintenance payments either. However, the pain and self reliance were worth it because I had control over my life and ultimately my fortunes improved significantly.

Hang on in there.

I have researched online and it says if a child arrangement order is broken the parent can be fined or even sentenced to prison for breaking a court ruled order.

That means you can be fined or sentenced to prison for not making dd available.