Court is this right?

[exhaustedmum24]

Hi,

Soo I've got an ex who is extremely controlling and manipulative and uses our 18 month old daughter as a weapon all the time.

I had a mediation meeting yesterday and was basically told that I cannot take him to court to arrange access properly and for us too come to an agreement. I was told that if this man is like this he will prob not attend mediation to start with or even come to an agreement. If this is the case then I have to wait for him to contact court so then it can go to court and we can sort something properly this way. What is getting at me is why I cannot take him to court..... I've been told I can't and they won't look at my application because they cannot force him to have her certain days and times. I'm just really stuck here because I need something sorted. In not soo many words I was told to stop contact which will force him to take me to court but my concerns are 1. This will look bad on me as I'll be stopping contact which isn't what I wanted. 2. He has told me before he cannot afford court so it probably wouldn't happen. Im stuck at what to do, I also cannot be the one too do hand over anymore because of the abuse he gives me it's just really affecting me mentally and I've not been ok the last few weeks because of it.

I don't want to stop contact but I NEED this sorted legally because of the threats of keeping her and the constant abuse I get from him as well as there having to be set days soo she is in a routine and he still gets to see her and she gets to see him. It has been all about him, his works and his life and it's the ways it's been worked around the last 18 months he uses her to control me and my life and uses her against me all the time and I'm fed up with it! Sick of it in fact this is why I need it sorted but after yesterday's news it's thrown me a bit of honest. What can I do about this? 😬

That only applies if a parent doesn’t make the child available for contact. Unfortunately the court won’t order feckless parents to have their children or put powers of arrest if they don’t.

Yes. The parent meaning you. It would only apply to him if he kept the child beyond the agreed handover time.

“unfortunately”

I totally disagree

who wants shit parents to be forced to have their children.

Ohh I see. Ok.

If other dad will swap go to court for a lives with order and ask to put the current arrangements into a CAO.
Once done get other dad to swap to the weekend in the CAO. Dickhead dad can only have the child on the court dates.

This is by far and away the best way to deal with the situation!

No, the parent who withholds contact can be fined but if a parent just doesn't bother turning up to their time nothing happens.

and he just will 🤷 and never have her and Op won’t ever get her break she wants

If he will stop seeing his child (on the days and times he already has her and has said are best for him) in order to prevent her mum having time to herself then he isn’t a safe grownup for the child to be spending time with in the first place.

yep exactly

But his parenting skills or absence thereof don’t really seem to matter

No one wants the shit parent to be forced. They want the parent to want to be a good parent.

Unfortunately nothing can make a shit parent be a better parent.

well exactly

so court can’t do a bloomin thing

Exactly.

Get the other dad to swap.
He's sounds much more reasonable.
Instead of wasting your time and money on court use that money to pay for childcare so you can work/rest/socislise/whatever.

How old are the other 3? Will they be up for babysitting at some point soon?
Or anyone else you know?
Aged 2 onwards you will get some free nursery hours, you can use that time to work or socialise etc I know it's a while away but you had 4 children, no judgement at all but I have 1 and it's fucking hard work, I have no idea how you had 4 so you must be made of stronger stuff than me, you'll get through this by 'grey rocking' nasty ex. The legal system will just take your time and money and leave you in a worse position than now. Men write the rules, one day that might change, but the lawmakers were/are generally men so don't expect them to give a shit about you. Not fair, but probably accurate.

what do you see?

Because posters were telling you that court would never force a parent to see a child from the very start

Was confused as I’ve heard different stories about court. So did some research myself and what it says is there can be fines etc and it didn’t say if it was the parent not letting the children be available for the other parent.

So it’s best I don’t go to court then?

honestly it’s just shit isn’t it? That majority of mums have to get on with it while they chose to see their child if and when they want too. It’s soo wrong.

I thought you'd been advised you couldn't apply to court anyway?
honestly you need to let go of the idea that the court can force him to be a reasonable person and good father. Just try to box clever and manipulate him to get the contact that works for you without letting him know he's doing you a favour. Or find a reliable babysitter.

Either parent can apply to court. The only advantage of you doing so would be to make it clear when he can’t see the children, not put positive obligations on him to see them, and also regarding taking them abroad without permission as I said.

Only if the mediator signs them off. In the OP it says the mediator basically said she can't take him to court.

Mediators don’t get to decide who can apply to court. You need to attempt mediation to show the court you have tried to resolve your dispute outside court, unless an exemption applies but mediators don’t ’sign off’ on who can apply to court.

I assume the mediator might have said something along the lines of as CAO are permissive for the parent who spends time with the children as opposed to lives with, then it wouldn’t force him to spend time with them. It would however, limit his access to those times as specified in the order. And give the OP the advantage of being able to take DC abroad for up to 28 days without permission from the father.

I’m a family lawyer so not just making stuff up.

OP, would you really like a family court system that forces a parent to have a child in their care even though they are actively don’t want said child?

I would like a routine set down so it cannot be changed, he has said he's looking for another job too soo Its going to all change again. What I would really like is for him to have her every other weekend Friday to Sunday but everything is impossible with him.

Also another question for you all, because he has a daughter can he not just say to his employer I see my daughter x y and z and need this time off to see her? Is there not flexible working for parents/fathers.

This is getting really frustrating. You've been told repeatedly that there is no way to force him to have contact, let alone on your schedule. There is no magic answer. The law and society allow men to make children then drop all responsibility for them. You need to plan your life without relying on him for anything at all.

Calm down.

If it's frustrating un watch and don't comment.

I've taken in what people have said but it's not about him not wanting to see her and forcing him to see her as he wants to see her. It's just the frustration of it always being on his terms and when he wants to see her.