Anyone else trying not to contact a guy 3

[SunsetSkylane]

Anyone still want to chat?

@pubertyalloveragain I think you posted last on thread 2, how you doing?

@namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 @Thewookiemustgo another thread if you want it, or maybe you're all magically cured - or maybe Wookie is sick of our shit 😂😂

Wookie, you're not saying anything I don't know. How many times on here have I said that I wish I could just cut him out of my brain and my memory?

You can't logic feelings away. Apparently time does fuck all either, as does no contact.

I’m sorry, honestly I am.
I know that Sunsetsky, I honestly know that. I guess I just want things to change for you and hope something might resonate. You can’t cut him out, I’ve never said you can, you can’t forget something you’ve pored over for so long with so much emotion attached. Of course not.
But you can decide how you go forward. Non contact doesn’t stop it but contact would worsen it, I’m sure it would.
As you said, life goes on. It’s our choice how life goes on. You can accept he’s in your head and say ‘fuck it, I’m not letting this ruin my life and I’m going to go forwards’, or you can stick where you are. If you were happy and your mental health was improving I’d say fair enough.
You can’t logic it away, nope. You can’t wait for time to just magic it away, nope. You can’t cut it out of your head, nope.
None of that works, it’s an obsession with the reward of feeling good if you get the attention you crave but misery without it. The more you think about it and dwell on it, the worse it gets. It’s an addiction, like being an alcoholic. If in the text you replaced the blokes cited in this thread with alcohol and caving in and contacting them with falling off the wagon, you’d have pretty much the same feelings and mechanism. Being without what you crave = more craving = possible relapse= feeling crap/ remorse/ shame = wishing you hadn’t = feeling hopeless and having to start again from day 1. In other words addiction.
Addiction can’t be cut out, removed by logic or stopped with the passage of time. It requires intervention . The best intervention seems to be the 12 step programme and a firm decision and commitment. Relapse will happen and requires support and understanding but also on the understanding that you get back on the horse and try again.
Hard work, really tough work, but it’s possible and freeing. I’d look at the AA 12 step programme for addiction and modify to your situation and try that. Otherwise you’re absolutely right. This will never, ever change. I used the Jeffrey Schwarz 4-step programme in his book to combat my OCD. I already had tried logic, (OCD sufferers are aware that their obsessions are usually false and illogical, but it makes no difference) I had tried waiting and time and just ploughing on trying to make it by cutting it out of my head.
It didn’t work. I was stuck. I felt hopeless and suicidal.
Thank God for that book, it made a huge difference and turned me around. It took a long time, it took failing a lot, hurting a lot and getting up and starting again. A lot. But I stuck with it and it works. You don’t forget, no, but you can deal with it should it arise again. Intervention to break the pattern works.
You miss your ‘fix’ of that feeling you talked about when you were in his gaze. Like missing the warm feeling from booze or the high of cocaine or the sexual gratification of porn or the comfort of over eating. All band-aids to soothe the painful reality of reality. Because it’s easier to go back there than change. The reality you want to escape from will improve without the obsession.
There’s no judgment in finding that hard, it remains stubbornly true that it’s easier to carry on as we are than accept that we are harming ourselves for the sake of a temporary high, where the low afterwards feels ever worse and primes us for another hit.
We can stay stuck or try something else. Please don’t give up, if you are depressed one of its nastiest hallmarks is hopelessness.
I just wish I could help, there are so many here struggling with mental health and self esteem issues. Nobody deserves to feel so bad every day. It’s no way to live. Everyone deserves a decent life.

On the subject of controversial threads, Infidelity (and I know not everyone is or was in an affair situation here) is an odd one on MN. So little balance or attempts to understand any viewpoint.
Unfaithful men are all the devil incarnate and will all definitely cheat again, repeatedly until their last breath. Women who sleep with them are always blameless, if a betrayed spouse dares to attribute any blame to them. Or bizarrely given that usual sympathetic reaction, OW suddenly become indefensible and the devil incarnate if they’re unfortunate enough to start their own thread about it and look for support for the mess they’ve got themselves into. No doubt they’ve read the threads where women are adamant that OW not in any way to blame for affairs, so think they’ll get an even ride. Never happens. Now they’re told it’s all their fault and they chose it so what do they expect.
Try telling people on MN you stayed with an unfaithful man and watch the knives come out, we are lower than low, all stupid desperate women with no self respect and no gumption who have given these men permission apparently to do it again. Women who LTB might as well don Wonderwoman costumes and are unquestionably far superior beings. No understanding or empathy or attempt to see a differing viewpoint or accept different choices or any desire to get that we are all just imperfect humans who do stupid shit sometimes.
God help men who post on MN, especially betrayed men, it’s always their fault their wives slept with somebody else and even if they get twatted in the face with a frying pan they must have deserved it. Men get a really rough ride with the most obvious double standards applied that would curl your hair.

I’m glad nobody has had a go on here, it feels like a safe space. I’m grateful for the lack of shaming and judgement shown to me here for my choices, too, I’ve had my ass kicked more than once in the past few years on MN just for being honest about my choices and people have even chosen to chuck them at me on unrelated threads as insults. My favourite was somebody who gave me a good slap about what I’d written, even quoted me, then told me they hadn’t bothered to read what I’d written because they had already recognised my username. 😂 The ability to quote text without reading what was written is a skill I had no idea people possessed. You really can’t make MN shit up.

This thread is misleading, a thread to help someone go non contact, but it's not is it.
It's just a thread to cope with the prolonged silences from an unavailable man.

A disingenuous thread for women who will not accept reality. You may think you love them but in all reality do you really think they love you, because that's the bottom line.
Do you think they would help bring up your kids and splash money on them, would they share their cash and inheritances with you, would they be upset if they left their children or even their wives, to leave behind friends, family, their homes, their mortgages, their savings, and pensions.

Would you be able to rely on them when you age and feel ill, would they look after you, these are very important, these are the things you hope your husbands will do, the poor saps that are currently being cheated on, as one poster said earlier, unanatractive and boring. These men that have worked and stood by you loving your own children and wanting the best for them, even after death, leaving your shared wealth, legacy, and security to them.
That is what marriage is about, being able to trust someone till death.

These men can't even be arsed to text, phone or arange dates, it's make believe and the majority of these women on here are pining and have unrequited love.
It's one sided and based on la la land

I can't see the pleasure in it myself, to feel like an after thought, I'm not purposefully trying to make you feel bad but it takes some weird and selfish kind of person to ignor facts.
I would never chase a man, never wait for phone calls in hushed tones and with the acceptance of deleted texts and voicenotes in my world, it's insane to live like that at the mercy of someone elses warped idea of loyalty, love, and trust.

I'm sorry if you wish me gone, and you prefer not to have your conciences scratched but along with all that there is the fact that behind your own sympathies for yourselves lie some very abused people in the backgroud, now that is deserving of sympathy.

Do the right thing, end the affair, and leave your h's if that's what you want, stop being so selfish and cruel to others and yes it is as simple as that and no you won't die if you don't get your own way, it's not Wuthering Heights.
It's rediculous, grow up and behave how other women behave, with integrity to the people who are in their lives, not just some random with a big floppy dick, who treats you like shit.

<standing ovation for the rousing speech which has cured us all immediately>

Sarcasm doesn't excuse poor boundaries and morals, really many women and men can adhere to practicing fedelity without such drama.

Get a hobby, attain a skill, engage with your own families which YOU choose to have and take for granted.

It's all vey self indulgent and is not necessary as a hobby or passtime, many of you should be old enough to understand what is age appropriate for yourselves and your lovers.
in fact I would say most of these affairs are usually in the bracket of 30 to 50, younger than that it 's more ONS's. The affairs are the big ones, destroying homes and the mental health of many, how people conduct them without shame or remorse is an inigma to me.

Such a destructive pastime in life which causes misey, all of you sound bloody miserable antway, add onto the fact if you get caught there is a whole host of problems which in many casas is non reversable.

Honestly are these part time lovers really worth it, wishing your lives away.

You've literally no idea about me or what I fill my time with.

Thanks for coming on here and making this thread an unwelcome space though.

I'll leave it here. Good luck guys.

I think we do have an idea how you fill your time, you've literally posted how consuming your thoughts are about this man.

You are flouncing, feigning lack of strength to garner sympathy, your actions however are completely the opposite, partaking in the abuse of others.

Screaming into the void.....

Is anybody out there ? who can make me feel better about myself for excusing the inexcusable, there must be others, yes you have found them, through being disinguenuous about the title of the post, lies abound your world.

Delusion and unrealistic expectations, do you all take wives for fools and your husbands for clowns, disrespecting people's power, intellegence and lives is a foolish game and so disrespectful. Like Wookie, she's no fool, yes she sugar coats things but that lady is powerful in intellegence, she would be a hard act to follow and Wookie knows that the husband she is with never wanted anyone else, she just ended up with a self entitled dullard intruding into her marriage expecting him to switch allegience, her marriage was for her to choose, and I don't like her apologising for the choices she made.
Personally I could never underestimate a wife, a woman who attracted this desirable male you pine for when he was in his prime, his virile producing children years, i wouldn't dare compete with that bond, you are competing against strong women with strong morals and strong family beliefs, it's completely insane and foolhardy. Strong is not offering free sex to some dissolusioned middle aged man who acted selfishly within his marriage and then expects a reprieve.

Maybe you need wake up calls, pitching a battle against women who in many cases have no idea you exist, an unfair battle that is all this is, and in years to come you may wonder why you ever got involved. You may as well be in the gladitorial arena with a spear against another woman whilst her h watches on with glee and delight. But this battle is not equal your opponent has no spear in many cases, and you are revelling in both turning against an innocent person.
And soon enough it maybe your turn to be attacked with a full audience.

It's barbaric really, very animalistic and also very dangerous, for them and for you, for the cost of not winning the battle and attaining your trophy is huge, your mental health, your reputation, Your security, your role as a safe parent and lastly the dehumanisation, humiliation and despair in being discarded. What a lot to lose and chance all for a bit of cock and some lies between the sheets, I'd wise up if I were you.

Yes, there will be some who conduct affairs that replace first wives but it doesn't look like this, they don't write desparate pleas of how and when they will next see their fix, the longing and heartache and scrutinising every written word.

It's pointless, get yourselves away from these users, men don't care, they are different to us women.
I say all this for your benefit although you don't believe a word I say, these men will destroy you, they are destroying you now and they are not worth it.

@MainlyWater any chance you could find something else to do with your time?

You're becoming an unwelcome, massive bore.

Nice try, I have a completely free concience and time and peace of mind not to be dwelling on the thoughts of someone else's man.

My actions are productive, non hurtful and decent.

I maybe a bore to you, but do you know how boring each and every one of you who are harming others is pathetic to listen to.

Find something else to do with your time instead of abusing others, MN is for opinions not an echo chamber for unmoralistic women to seek tips on how to snare family men.

What on earth are you talking about?

I've been to work, cared for my disabled son and am watching I'm a Celebrity. Not sure who I am hurting this evening. I think you're the one lashing out like a weird, bitter loon.

I had been single for 19 years, bringing up children absolute entirely alone. At one point, I had not been out in the evening (and by evening, I mean after 6pm) for 7 years. You know absolutely fuck all about me, my life or about any one else on here.

I started going to a hobby for 2 hours a week, rushing out early in the morning to fit in one, single, solitary thing for myself, so I could be back before my son woke up.

I met someone there and knew him for 2 years before he asked me out. No one there knew he was married. They still don't and believe me I have thought about telling everyone.

We went out like a normal couple for 2 months before I found out. I wished I was dead at that point. Sometimes I still do.

So I am back to just working, caring etc with now no social life at all again. Shall we see if I can last another 7 years sitting alone on the sofa?

I have had no contact with the man in question since July. I have no hobby or social life now.

Happy now?

@Frith2013

I would continue to go to the hobby, no man should stop you from living.

How old are you, there are plenty more fish in the sea and many more ways to find them now.

Good luck and find someone single.

You certainly don't need a lying bastard in your life when you have so much on your plate.

This is the part everyone on this thread has in common.

Despite our efforts, time, space, distance, no contact etc we CAN'T MOVE ON. That's why we are writing here.

Mine is blocked on everything. He's even blocked on places that he was never in contact anyway, just in case.

He's horrendous. I know that.

I don't want him back. I never did. But I think about him every hour of every day. If I really stop to think about him, my eyes still fill with tears.

I don't think any poster here has said to the rest of us "ooo, he sounds great, keep having that affair!" We all know it is wrong. We know we need to move on with our lives.

I won't go back to the hobby. I would cry. I went to one social thing with everyone (including him) about 6 weeks ago and it was appalling just being in the same house. I had to keep going to the toilet to be by myself.

He was a good friend. That is a recurring theme here too - posters struggling to cope with that loss.

I know your just metaphorically trying to slap us out of it @MainlyWater but unfortunately that's not the way it works clearly.

I mean good for you that you dont get it, that you all think we're daft for feeling as we do, good for you cos that means you've not been through it. Is that cos you're so much stronger, better, happier than any of us?? Who knows.

Yes it can seem like an echo chamber situation on here (interspersed with wookies insights) but really it's all we need, just to write it down, feel like we've told someone (cos we can't in RL can we) scream into the void.

I know you're just trying to help, and you know what you're bloody right on some points (the men are all shits) but we're all just trying to find our own way out of our situations one way or another.

Anyways I'm done too, time for this thread to be unwatched. Hope you can all find the happiness you deserve

@Likeoohlaalaala

Of course I know how you feel, 40 years married and devoted, he had an affair, the details are irrelavant, it happened and I knew full well he never wanted to leave, he thought we would be together till death. He also thought love was about forgiveness, well I'm not like Wookie, I wasn't strong enough to forgive, it wasn't all him and it wasn't all her it was both, their collusion was enough for me to lose my best friend so loneliness is sometimes chosen above making allowances for remaining with people who cannot be trusted.

Do I miss him, everyday, do I love him, of course and after all these years after the affair is he available, yes, because it was never about moving on.
Sometimes I actually feel sorry for him because I have the support of my children but there you go choices can alter your life in a sliding doors moment.

I'm older than you lot but I can see that no good comes from opening the door to someone who has little integrity, they pull you under with them and lower your self esteem and confidence, the woman my husband knew left her h, was ultimately devastated when she realised he never wanted her even when he was available, she lost her home, her family job, the respect of her children and her joie de vivre.
She became depressed gained weight and began the menopause (she was younger than me ) and to be frank I can't see how all that was worth it, it certainly ruined my family unit.

For those of you with partners please don't chuck away your families for these selfish men.

I really found such support in this thread. Thanks all for your posts, they made me feel so less alone, and gave me strength. Am amazed we lasted this long, good luck to everyone, am also off away. Keep 💪. Strong, maybe we will talk again in a quieter place.

Yes, this thread, my one and only place of support, is ruined now.

Happy to speak to people elsewhere if anyone would like to message me through MN.

I'm the same, I thought this was a safe space, really sad I now still have no one in life to talk to, took months for me to open up and one poster destroyed all of that for me , maybe we can private message or something?

I’m here for a DM if you want a chat. Sounds silly but I feel like we’d get on in real life and I wouldn’t want to lose touch.

What do you think you achieved here, @MainlyWater ?

Probably wanted us women shamed into silence and no doubt wanted to add to our already destroyed mental health

Actually I’m here for a DM for all of you except @MainlyWater who knows fuck all about me and my life. I’m not justifying myself to you but this thread has helped me no end. If any of you want to chat I’m here. I hope you’re all ok @Frith2013 please don’t think badly of yourself we all know what you’ve been through.

I would suggest a FB group but of course, that is one of the bits of my life he ruined. I'm no longer on FB, in an attempt to make myself stop looking at his profile.

Does anyone know how to DM on the app? The web version for me keeps crashing and I can't figure out how to DM on this bloody app

Check your messages people 😊

Oh dear, looks like I've been ostracised.

What no sympathies for me who was crapped on, what did I do wrong I didn't shag someone elses husband or invade someone's family with a guy who willingly wanted to hurt his family unit.

What, must I up my shit on stakes towards other innocent women to be part of this now private club which is now going underground with private messages.

Don't worry girls I'll be leaving shortly, back to the grindstone working in something that would make you shit your pants.

Remember paranoia is the name of the game 😉

Try to do better.
Go for the single guys.