Anyone else trying not to contact a guy 3

[SunsetSkylane]

Anyone still want to chat?

@pubertyalloveragain I think you posted last on thread 2, how you doing?

@namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 @Thewookiemustgo another thread if you want it, or maybe you're all magically cured - or maybe Wookie is sick of our shit 😂😂

What's happening @lovelymango

@SunsetSkylane nothing really. Purely platonic

Whereas we inadvertently went the other way for the first time in ages.

I'm actually not even bothered really; it doesn't throw me off track as much as it used to.

Ah ok. How was it? It’s good it doesn’t bother you as much.

Just a wee bit flirty; it's fine, passes a boring evening!

You know what I just want to be 19 and have a crush on a guy and be off to the pub with my mates and be able to talk and talk and talk about him and about it and about us without there being all this crap around it.

His name is in my mouth, always.

God damn.

Are you ok @SunsetSkylane ?

Not so much @lovelymango thank you for asking. There isn't much to say that's new is there. Same old same old.

@SunsetSkylane yes absolutely true.

Clearly the more contact we've had isn't all that good for me after all...

@SunsetSkylane I’m so sorry, you seem so sad and none of this seems to make you happy.
Imagine all the time and energy you put into this, invested in something positive. You could move mountains.
The difficult truth is that until you want to stop, it won’t stop. With the best will in the world for whatever reasons, you don’t want to stop yet. I think if you can admit that you don’t want to stop this yet (no judgement here at all, the choice is always yours) and if you can honestly unpick why you don’t want to stop this, why you don’t want to go no-contact with him, and what this is doing for you, you’ll find your reasons to stop.
Your obsession is interfering with your day to day life and it’s taking over your thinking in an OCD like way. “His name is in my mouth, always” and you say you wish you could just enjoy the crush and talking about it non stop like you used to as a teenager.
I get it, I honestly get it, but the reason it’s so difficult is because it’s actually a personal choice to stop. Nothing is stopping you stopping except yourself. Just like dieting or quitting smoking or any bad habit, it’s hard because in the moment it makes us feel good and we’re human. Until we want badly enough to be healthy and choose not to eat the doughnut or light the cigarette, we’re still going to choose to do it and nothing is going to change. Very difficult to change habitual behaviour and only desire and determination will win.
As I look back through the thread, the more contact you’ve had, the sadder you sound. It’s like he’s that drink you want which will make you feel so good in the moment of drinking it, that you forget about the brutal hangover coming later.
Only you can decide when you want to stop. You’re not weak or pathetic or anything like that at all, you just don’t want to make the change badly enough yet.
I find it so sad that somebody who seems so nice is making choices which feed their sadness. You deserve to treat yourself and be treated better than this, surely? Do something nice for yourself this weekend, no matter how small, that isn’t about him.

Thanks @Thewookiemustgo but it's not really correct. We could not talk for a month or more, and I still wake up with him in my mind, I still go to sleep that way, he just lives in me, and I think that's just how it's going to be now, for the rest of my life.

Nothing I do makes a difference. Time, distance, nothing.

Oh @SunsetSkylane :(
I cant put into words how much I feel for you and how much I understand. It is utterly soul destroying.

We've been chatting here up and down but not to the same level.
We spent a full day together last Thursday for work.
Most chats end in upset,
Thursday was left in upset.

He has been trying hard: telling me he loves me, asking to kiss me, begging to talk more etc.

Have held firm. Nothing physical. Have shut down any flirtatous chat and have had a firm word regarding his attempts which ended in an argument.

It has been so so difficult.
I think it would be easier if he'd just let me go now.

@SunsetSkylane your brain has put a huge amount of effort into rewiring itself into this position through habit and ruminating and obsessing. With work you could do this, it’s absolutely not hopeless.
Hard work and commitment, absolutely, with setbacks along the way. But it is possible. Of course you won’t ever forget him, that would be a pointless goal, but you ‘ll be able to think differently about it all.
I suffered from full blown OCD and my obsession was there as soon as I awoke and was the last thing going round my head at night. It was hard, constant work to beat it and I still have to be aware of ruminating and overthinking things, but I did it. I think I had more motivation because it was getting so bad that it could have cost me my career, I became extremely ill. I had external consequences of not tackling it plus the pain levels associated with it were unbearable and I considered taking my own life at one point.
I don’t think anybody is a hopeless case, I think you started this thread because you still have hope.
Sometimes change is motivated by hitting rock bottom and/ or seeing or the consequences of what we’re doing.
With no consequences other than our own personal misery, how much we want to change things depends on our ability to tolerate those feelings.
Just hate to see you feeling so sad and out of hope.

Everything seems pointless today.

Obviously that's not all due to Prat Ex!

So tired.

I'm alright @Thewookiemustgo I just find it a bit simplistic to say that I can choose to move on. It's like saying people should 'fight' cancer- it just isn't how it works. It feels a bit on the shaming side tbh, to be told that I'd have moved on by now if only I'd put the work in. And I know that's not how you mean if, I know your words come with kindness, but life isn't black and white in any regard, and this is no different.

I have progressed a lot but it's been more the passage of time than anything I've been able to actually do or implement. I don't believe now that it'll ever actually leave me. It just is what it is now.

I certainly didn’t mean that at all.

I just saw a picture of him in a truly awful outfit so that helped a bit 😂

I have an update on my man saga...
But firstly I must apologise for hijacking OP thread - I initially commented on OPs post on Page 7.
So, it's now mid November and I still haven't heard from him. Well, that was until Saturday just gone when following an awful date I succumbed against my better judgement and broke the no contact rule and texted him at 5.30 am (GMT). He replied 10 minutes later saying he's so pleased I reached out and we then exchanged a lovely couple of texts (I promise I didn't gush) and he promised to text again in the morning as it's very late there - he's still on the East Coast. He's said he's due back in England just after Thanksgiving and that we'll definitely be seeing each other again. I have asked him why he ghosted me and although he didn't give a definitive answer he apologised - I told him to never do that ever again as it's cruel - he apologised again. I agreed to draw a line under it for now but I am hoping he will explain fully when we meet up (if we meet up as there still a couple of weeks until he's back so anything could happen). I'm also going to try to establish what he's looking for as although the distance for me is not a problem, the exclusivity is. I realise I can only go on what he tells me but at least I'll have asked the question and definitely before any segs takes place as I could definitely jump his bones right now... I'm not desperate but it has been a while 😅

Hi all, just wanted to check in. Saw "my guy" last week, chemistry remains insanely strong, but fundamentally that is where it begins and ends. No boundaries crossed, other than a clear mutual (unstated) understanding that we fancy the pants off each other.

I think it is important to remember that this is about me, not him. It is easy to think it is about "our connection", but in reality, it isn't. "My guy" is fundamentally a very decent person, but he is not the only man in the world. I find it interesting the limerants refer to the idea of a "limerant object" - i.e. the person is not a person to us, but an object upon which we can project our hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities.

@Sunrisewatcher if I am honest, I am not sure there is ever a good explanation for ghosting. I am not sure this guy is good news, although I hope for the best for you.

Ok update, not for a response bu just cos it's cathartic.

We're back in the same office again and despite trying to stay away and remain just coworkers a lot of flirting happened. Went for lunch together Friday, didn't talk over the weekend and picked up the flirting again this week.

I thought maybe we could go along with this ok, bit of a giggle at work then pretend he didn't exist out of work. Well I broke that and messaged him last night, opened up a can of worms today and basically asked him what the hell is going to do. Answer, I want to be with you... my question, so do you want to leave her?? His answer, I don't know.....!!!??? WTF?

I'm stupid aren't I? What a head fuck!

Anyway hugs to everyone else also feeling headfucked!

It’s a head fuck alright. Flirting is meant to be a tease and a headfuck, it hints at stuff that hasn’t happened yet but might…it’s designed to be titillating and pique your curiosity to get you interested.
In an affair though, it’s the bread and butter of what they do. Get off on the thrill of you getting in touch and flirting and letting you make them feel good, flirting and flattering and hinting that there’s more to come whilst being total shites to their girlfriends/ wives/ kids, plus you, and take it as far as they can. Then they get carried away, realise what they’re saying, get asked an awkward question and back off it.
“I don’t know” = “ whoops I went a bit far there. I do know: I want it to stay like this, me not going anywhere but you still texting me and flirting and making me feel like ‘I really got it’ but if I say that, the game’s up.”
Nothing and nobody fucks with your head more than an unavailable man in an affair. Underneath the attraction and the excitement is actually a man at his ugliest. If this was your sister’s or your best friend’s husband behaving like this, he would disgust you.
Men in affairs are not to be trusted: they’re having an affair. Affairs need lying and gaslighting and secrets to be able to function. They don’t do this selectively, they lie to and gaslight everyone involved.
Head fucking is cowardly and abusive behaviour and only benefits one person: him.
He’s bullshitting if you ask me, I doubt he really wants to upend his life but he also does want the excitement of the emotional affair to continue. He flirts deliberately and knows what he wants, right up until he’s asked a direct question about what that really means.
You called his bluff when you asked him what he wanted to do, he told you what you wanted to hear but then when you asked a direct question all of a sudden whodathunkit, he suddenly doesn’t know what he wants to do. Logically if he knows he wants to be with you he knows the only way to achieve that is to leave her. Suddenly he’s clueless. Nonsense.
It’s the only answer he could give you to keep you interested without actually having to do anything about it. People who are behaving decently and genuinely to you don’t head fuck you because they value you. He values himself more than anybody at the moment.
None of this is worth what you and others might go through. Until he wakes up to himself and starts behaving like a decent man he’s a grenade with the pin out to you and her.

You're right always of course Wookie, it's awful and he's awful. Basically saying I'm sure I want to be with you, but I'm also pretty sure it's only under these affair conditions. He so focussed on not looking like the bad guy by leaving his wife he doesn't seem to be able to see he's an even worse guy for doing what he's doing.

And I'm just as bad for it

I was pretty furious last night, I'm taking steps to find another job. I feel like if we didn't work together I could just block him and forget he existed but I can't right now. We are in a very small, close team and it's not possible to avoid him.

I feel so disappointed in myself and wonder how did I become this person

Don’t beat yourself up @Likeoohlaalaala, I think it’s brave and bloody sensible to get another job, but difficult for you and not probably what you would have chosen.
Nobody ever sets out to be ‘that’ person. My husband didn’t and wasn’t, until he was.
I think with him it was incremental, giving himself ‘Where’s the harm? It’s only a bit of flirting and Wookie will never find out.’ type permissions initially, then giving himself permission to go further but as what he was doing got worse, the “Where’s the harm?” lies he told himself didn’t work in that situation, he knew bloody well what he was doing, which led to him having to rewrite history and make me the bad guy to justify allowing himself to go further each time. When I found out, he didn’t recognise himself any more than I recognised him as the man I thought I knew. Great book called “Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me.” discusses how normal, morally upright, nice people end up in all sorts of shit doing stuff they would never have dreamed of. It talks about examples from all walks of life, from political scandals to scientists who started out with enormous integrity. They were working for drug companies who made it clear they wanted trial results falsifying, and they got paid a shedload for doing it. It contains interviews with people whose stories show you that any of us can end up in darker places doing stuff we never thought ourselves capable of. On MN people throw mud and say “I would never, ever….” Or “Not my Nigel…. he would never, ever…” but life can prove otherwise.
I hope you find a great job away from him, you don’t need that hassle and he’s not worth having to put up with the crap he metes out.