Anyone else trying not to contact a guy 3

[SunsetSkylane]

Anyone still want to chat?

@pubertyalloveragain I think you posted last on thread 2, how you doing?

@namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 @Thewookiemustgo another thread if you want it, or maybe you're all magically cured - or maybe Wookie is sick of our shit 😂😂

Dreamed about "mine" last night. We had a kiss (that was more exciting than we had in real life).

Haven't seen him or had contact for 4.5 months.

Dreamt about mine too, @Frith2013. Must have been something in the air... In my dream we were supposed to go to Jersey together and he started crying, wanker. We have been professional only contact for over a year, bar the odd testy message/ convo. Longing for one of us to leave, I know I'm applying and think he is too. Meanwhile have resorted to sticking post-it notes over his face in teams meetings. I am internally still pining and heartbroken but I know there's no point and nothing will change. Avoiding in person contact as much as possible as that really sets me back it's all hideous and I'd love to remove the bit of my brain that still wants him.

How are we all doing? @lovelymango how's the friendship going? @SewingBeee that sounds really hard. As much as I missed mine at work, I genuinely thank god that we don't see each other any more. It would have broken me and my marriage for sure.

I saw this earlier and it made me think of all of us...

Eughh I majorly fell off the wagon and feel so stupid. I haven't been on here as thought I was doing fine and didn't want to give it air time so it's be easier to forget him.

He got in touch about a month ago and had a bit of over and back nothing much. Then last week I got a call but missed it and a follow up text to see if he could call in. I told him I was busy but asked what's up. He said eugh do you ever just want to escape etc etc. I gave him some thought of mine and then he asked that I keep explaining (basically an approach when you feel confused). Left him a voice note to try to explain a concept better. Suddenly one or two words responses. I asked did he get what I was trying to explain and he said which part of your voice note in what was obviously a sarcastic tone. I then bumped into him (first time in months and months) the following day randomly!! He pinched me on the hip and said he'd seen my car outside excitedly and then insisted on buying me a coffee. I should have refused. I then asked him how he was doing and he said fine, I said so the panic moment is over? And he said yeah just take it with a pinch of salt. Got a text that evening saying it was lovely to bump into me. I just replied with a :).

I asked him a day or so ago what had I said that had upset him so much and nothing - total silence (except for the silence after his over the top surprise beach evening in the summer). This has never ever happened he has never not replied immediately. It's like he has just said that's it.

The thing is - he never once apologized for not getting in touch in the summer and then when he asked for some help or advice and I gently shared what I thought - nothing and no explanation.

I mean when would he even get in touch - why me - why to then drop once again. He has utterly messed with my head. I am just so mistrusting of everything and everyone now. I feel so sad and stupid.

I have allowed this guy mess with me for a year, why? I didn't think my self esteem was that bad, it worries me.

Oh @pubertyalloveragain it's just all fucking shit isn't it.

We chat on and off, maybe a couple times a week, but every time it makes me feel sick when it stops.

I'm really tired of it all. Really tired.

Hey all, could I please join in? I’ve been reading this thread for a while due to my situation and I think I’ve finally found a group of people who might understand and not judge ( well I hope so but I have name changed as I’m a regular)

This could be long so I do apologise if you get bored reading it, I’m married and been with my husband for 16 years , 14 married and he’s a good guy who’s whole world revolves around me and making me happy

10 years ago I went to work for an organisation and met James (not his real name) he was married but we instantly clicked, ( fireworks , butterflies, heart palpitations you name it had it and fell quickly for him)

He pursued me for a month before I gave in and we agreed to have a FWB benefit arrangement, he would regularly contact me at the beginning and we would hook up at work in a remote area but then after a couple of months he would ghost me and this ghosting would go on for a few weeks or a couple of months but I still had to see him at work , I would be broken inside but not able to show it, he would then pop on messages again like nothing happened and I’d jump straight back in to bed with him and this cycle of messages/sex/ghosting lasted just over two and a half years

He then got divorced and moved to the other end of the country with a mutual colleague, I hadn’t heard from him in seven years but I still thought about him morning, noon and night everyday for those seven years , (this is not an exaggeration and I have no idea why he has this effect on me other than I just feel a pull to be with him all the time)

In January this year whilst drunk I started following him on instagram, we have mutual friends in common so for years he kept coming up as suggested friend but I never gave in until this drunk this year, he has never followed me back but in May he messaged me out of the blue and our messages got intimate, again he ghosted me until October, I have heard from him constantly up until mid November which takes us up to now, I haven’t heard from him, he hasn’t blocked me on Instagram he just disappears, I used to send him messages regularly in the past when he ghosted me but I’m trying my best not to now, I did send him one last Saturday and one Thursday 🤦‍♀️ I’m having a tough time with a family issue at the moment and I just needed to feel him close to me and hear from him but obviously he never replied, that’s only times I’ve messaged him as I’m apparently not allowed to message first and he said it has to be on his terms due to his relationship

And this is where I am now, I don’t want to block him as I do have strong ( possibly) love for this absolute dick but I just needed to write down everything and seeing as some of you going through similar it’s nice to share my very shit situation with someone as it’s a very lonely and isolating place to be! I pine after him, reread messages, check when he’s online, stare at his photo but other than this week I’ve never messaged him first, thanks for reading if you got to the end

Join the club @Ineedwinenow sorry you're in it too. I don't know what else to say, I'm sort of sick of it all day, even thinking or talking about it.

I've got my period and it's always worse then. I think I'm also pretty lonely in my life; for example my husband was just out with friends, came back, and hasn't even said hi to me. He's just gone into a different room. I mean...what's that?

I don't think anyone in my entire life ever ever priorities me. Literally nobody ever invites me out for coffee even, or a glass of wine.

I've pulled my life back together fucking inch by inch all by myself since my whole situationship exploded it. I've replaced him in every possible way, but nothing ever quite replaces him and how I felt in his gaze.

Thank you for your kind reply, That is how I feel, my husband is a good guy but he's so boring, he's definitely got worse as he's got older plus we run three businesses together so even contemplating ending the marriage isn't ever going to happen, we both work damn hard at the businesses so neither of us would ever leave it but all we talk about is work, sex is none existent as I just don't want him, if I do give in I have to get drunk first which is a horrible thing for me to say and do but it's like living with a work colleague so even though he tells me regularly he loves and fancies me for me the off switch is permanently off ☹️

10 fucking years James has had an hold over me ( he just doesn't know it) I'm glad he lives three hours away and I no longer see him daily. like you I'm sick of thinking about him, I have no one to ask for advice or talk to as it's just a taboo situation in real life and especially on MN ( in fact we don't have kids but honestly you would get more sympathy starting a thread about buying your kids a line of coke or a bag of weed than an affair )

Yeah. I've seen threads where people get loads of sympathy for, say, confessing that they hate their kids, but most threads like this just erupt. I can't actually believe we've gone under the radar for this long!

He is like a drug, I'm so happy and high when he gets in touch but then the next day I hear nothing for days or weeks and then I feel like shit/used/angry/devastated until the next cycle ( that's if he will ever be back in touch, I never know) how long as it been going on for you?

Yeah I get that. It's less than it used to be but still...my adrenaline runs like fuck when we're in a conversation. It's stupid as it's nothing inappropriate at all. It's just some inexplicable thing that he does to me.

It's been about 2.5 years since I caught feelings and then he followed about 6 months later...that's when I knew we were in trouble.

We never did anything physically (apart from the odd hand hold, hug, etc). But it was always there, and in ways I wish we had. At least then the stupid amounts of heartbreak it has caused me might have been worth it.

It's sexting for us now due to the distance but I find it more intimate than physical contact due to the nature of what I'm doing to myself and him seeing the videos/photos, I wish I could say I hate you now fuck off but I'm 10 years in and it's not any easier to say goodbye, I think it's actually worse as I didn't have contact for 7 of those 10 years but now my emotions and feelings are a lot more intense

He's in my phone contacts as "absolute fucking cunt" and maybe one day I'll believe it

Hi @SunsetSkylane thanks for asking after me. It’s been ok actually. It’s veered into flirting only yesterday which was sort of my fault but it’s fine. It was funny. He’s actually been quite good.

Why pine over someone who doesn't want you or need you.

So you want the truth, you feel unable to pour out your feelings on the page and feel little sympathy is afforded to those having affairs.

Well it could be the truth that you need is to find your level, many women who make themselves available for sex outside of marriage can attract men who are better looking, sorry but it's a fact. You have stated you don't fancy your h, well that's a surprise.

You took the forbidden fruit because this man was attractive, and now you have spoilt yourself, gorged yourself with his attractive features, making your h seem like a poor second.

If a man cares for you he will leave his wife, more or less instantly, you all know these men are not in love with you so why give them the ego boost, because it certainly won't do your egos any good.

It's a selfish sense of entitlement that leads you here, punching above, whether it be looks, financially, power, social standing, character or charisma, these men don't value you.

What a waste of time.
Honestly why can't any of you face facts.

This is the third thread of us helping each other to stop wasting time and see facts...

It took months for me to pluck up the courage to post mainly due to the kind of responses that always come with threads about affairs.

I can't comment as to whether or not women like me deserves to be judged as I don't judge anyone on anything as I don't know what else is going on their lives but this thread seems the only place on the internet (and in real life) where I can be open about my situation and where I would get support as there is no safe spaces for us to discuss this taboo subject

What would be interesting is if there has been any studies on women's mental health/suicide due to the stigma associated with women like us when we have decided to either discuss our affairs as we need help or because of finding ourselves in the situations we are.

No one is perfect, everyone does or says things in life that will upset another person whether that's by words or actions but how we seek support and safe spaces can be the difference between serious mental health issue or not.

I wasn't joking was I when I said in my last post that women would get more support if they bought their kids drugs than if they have an affair.

Honestly @Ineedwinenow my mental health has been in the bin for the last few years and there were genuinely days where I have thought 'would it be so bad if I drove off the motorway and into that wall'.

Sometimes this thread is just a way for me to scream my pain into the anonymous void. I'm devastated that I fell in love with someone else; it's going to be with me for my whole life, sucking joy out of moments that should be untainted. I hate what it might do to my husband and kids and wider family.

It's a constant hurt, like a graze or a burn inside me, and nothing takes it away.

So yes, let's keep this place as it is please. We all know what the judgement is. We don't really need it reinforced here.

@MainlyWater you don't have to keep coming here to read our updates, you're not saving any of us by being judgmental and self righteous.

No one is asking to be judged, we've already had posters leave this thread cos of your responses.

I mean if any of us could just 'face facts' we wouldn't be here would we!! Please just leave us all be and go and post on other threads about how pathetic affairs are

I'm the same, I've had mental health issues for a decade due to what he put me through/what I'm putting myself through and it's a relief I can talk about it so thank you for starting this apparently controversial thread

I get the ‘screaming into the void’ part, and somewhere to find support, but if I’m being honest I think the original thread title gets blurred sometimes. The love is great but even tough love can get misconstrued as judging and shaming and being self righteous. It’s designed to help people stop contacting these mind gaming feckless men.
I think the support is great when things go wrong, when anyone gives in and contacts them again, but the thread is about not contacting a guy and supporting each other in trying to do that. Strategies of how to do this and pointing out the realities of what harm infidelity does to all concerned are the only way out of this, limerance is a very addictive drug and borders on obsession, plus support when it goes wrong.
One of these men showed exactly what a lot if this is about “Ever felt like you just want to escape?” So many affairs are like this, how the affair partner makes you feel is in the context of them being an affair partner, not that they’re any more special than anybody else. Affairs are the honeymoon period of any relationship on acid. You can keep them as they are in your head for decades, they never change, nobody comes close to making you feel like that because the relationship never got real, it’s an escape, a fantasy. You’ve never been there for the dirty undies in the floor and farting and scratching.
@SunsetSkylane I’m so sorry your mental health is on the floor, please, please get help with that and work on it, it’s your way to a better life, whatever that looks like.
If your husband is being a bit distant and going out then coming back and just going into another room, maybe he’s picked up on your emotional distance? I’m obviously totally guessing here, but towards the end of my husband’s affair I noticed his distance and unavailability, his mind was elsewhere, are you ok type questions got deflected and eventually I knew something was wrong. You might not realise the signals your preoccupation with this other man is giving off. Maybe he thinks you’re not that bothered about him? Your mind is full of this other man, that’s what you say about him, there’s no room for your husband at present and maybe he knows that (but not why) and has given up. I’m probably way off the mark but people in affairs give off subtle signals that they have no idea they are giving off, they think they are acting normally and their spouse has no idea. You have no idea what your husband is thinking either, and whether he knows something is wrong or has noticed. People in affairs get confident that their secret is exactly that, the longer it goes on, but the secret subtly shows itself eventually. Signals which are staring to show up more often get picked up eventually and start to make sense to the betrayed spouse who is getting distant/ colder vibes and starts to realise what that might mean. Don’t mistake silence from the person you are betraying as evidence that they have no idea/ suspicion of what is going on. My husband was shocked to death when I confronted him. To him I was blind, oblivious Wookie who had no idea. I had no evidence whatsoever. Absolutely none. But eventually I knew. Then it was my secret and I used the time whilst he was ignorant of my knowledge to gather evidence on blind, oblivious Mr. Wookie. Amazing what you can find out when people think you have no idea what they are actually thinking. Don’t presume that everybody is under the radar.

Oh I'm under no illusions in that regard at all; I'm aware I've been hard work the last few years. It actually all started when we had a trauma in the family, and we both struggled a lot, and it was at that point that we ceased communicating well.

I wanted to talk about it, that was my way of coping, and he found it too hard. And we've never quite found our way back to how things were before. But that's life, you can't go back, only forward. We can't have the same simple life we did before because it isn't available.

The divorce rate among SEN parents is high for a reason.

I'm late to the party for this one, but it sounds like classic triangulation, tbh. The talk of 'the one that got away', 'the one that I really loved and s/he did the dirty' in my view is such a crappy thing to say to a new partner. It always makes me feel like I'm a consolation prize and have a 'standard' to live up to. Not true.

Again, I'm late to the party but I was with someone for 7 years about a decade ago. When the relationship ended (couldn't keep it in his trousers), I didn't miss the relationship, but I missed my best mate like hell. I cried every day for 6 months. Some days I would just stand in front of the mirror crying.

So I understand missing the friendship, but not the relationship.

How long have you been trying to get over him @SunsetSkylane ? If you're in love with your friend it's not going to be easy. Could you try and keep it in a little box so it's not making you feel so down about yourself (you shouldn't!). I'm sure that's what men do!

Trauma is a terrible thing, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t trying to blame you for his reaction at all, we’re all capable of being hard work at times and we’re all ‘hard work’ when we’re not at our best for whatever reason. When I had serious depression, plus OCD, whilst it wasn’t my fault or choice, it was absolutely bloody hard work for everybody who loved me, it was an added pressure in a way, feeling like a burden and not wanting my illness to impact other people. Horrible time in my life and theirs.
Trauma is a weird thing psychologically, in that Some people literally talk it out of themselves (this is me too, Sunset, if you think I write a lot I can talk you to bloody death, trust me.) and get closer by dealing with it talking together, which is great if you both react in the same way. Others need to cope by turning inwards and withdrawing, which makes the one who wants to talk feel ignored and unheard and uncared for. The non-talker is hurting every bit as much and cares every bit as much but can’t see the point of thrashing out and processing the pain, they’d rather avoid it altogether and try not to feel it.
My husband is the latter, clam up and avoid and just get on with it.
Our getting through his betrayal was made tougher by the fact that his usual trauma coping style when it was infidelity causing the trauma just looked like a desire to keep secrets and protect himself rather than be honest and help me. In childhood he learned you took care of yourself and didn’t invest emotionally too much in case you got let down. His learned emotional detachment and sheer terror of intense feelings was the only way he could deal with the shame and self loathing. It nearly cost him me and his family and daring to face stuff and discuss it was a massive thing for him. I needed details and open discussion and he needed silence and going on like it hasn’t happened. At his father’s funeral he walked away because he didn’t want anybody to say anything to him. He didn’t want a hug or tears or anything emotional. It made me feel helpless and unable to comfort him when he shut me out. It’s hard to recover from trauma, but it can be even harder when people have different coping styles.
You’re right, we can only go forward and life changes over time, only the most flexible relationships survive and none are without scars, in marriage you build a life together, a real life with everything that throws at it, you make mistakes and bad choices and learn and adapt and hopefully grow. It takes love and commitment.
Affairs are really enticing and easy to obsess over because they are fantasy / escape based, they idealise a person and allow them to remain unchanged over time, untouched by the everyday and mundane and it’s as if there is nobody else in the world who could possibly make you feel this way. Believe me, it’s not them, they’re human, and ironically you think they’re the best thing since sliced bread but you’re seeing them as humans at their worst, lying and cheating, not princes of men nor Gods.
Nothing makes you feel this way in human relationships outside of an affair. But nine times out of ten if you remove the affair dynamic, the excitement and longing melts like a snowflake in the sun. You once thought your husband was the greatest guy ever, you married him, real life and living with him and knowing the real him changes that, they don’t call it the ‘honeymoon period’ for nothing. If you’re lucky and you invest in it, it deepens into something better.
Of course an affair is more exciting than a marriage. Marriages can’t compete with affairs as one is a secret with a near stranger ( you haven’t spent long enough together in a real situation outside of work or a date to know them properly) and the other is a longer relationship with someone you know like the back of your hand, a sure thing, no risk, no mystery, no longing because you live with them. That initial excitement is heady.
Stop looking for something that makes you feel like the affair guy, nothing will. Not because he’s amazing or totally unique or love of your life or Romeo, but because he’s unavailable, is playing the flattery/ ghost treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen game in a situation heightened by risk and secrecy. Most people without realising it are addicted to the affair, not the guy. That’s why you go back for more when logically you know they are lying shits. Because the fantasy relationship beats the heck out of the familiar. Frank communication plus investment in your current relationships or even leaving your current relationships would work wonders. Affair guys won’t, they’re a sticking plaster for ailing mental health and boredom. Invest in you, not these awful guys.
Without outing myself I know an awful lot about SEN and how it affects families, it’s absolutely terrible and very hard to deal with. Those of us without it to deal
with have no idea how hard other families have it, it can break even the most loving couples, the support is patchy or non existent.