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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else trying not to contact a guy 3

460 replies

SunsetSkylane · 10/10/2024 21:22

Anyone still want to chat?

@pubertyalloveragain I think you posted last on thread 2, how you doing?

@namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 @Thewookiemustgo another thread if you want it, or maybe you're all magically cured - or maybe Wookie is sick of our shit 😂😂

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 10/10/2024 22:03

I hope you're doing ok, @pubertyalloveragain.

After last night, any last shreds of respect and feelings I had for mine have disappeared. In case I look back on this in future, he changed his profile picture to that of our female friends. The same photo he had been utterly dirty and vile about previously, to the point I left the WA group.

I have seen him once since July 14th, from the window of my car. He didn't see me.

I hope to never see him again.

My actual ex messaged me last night after 8 months of silence. (Using a new number). Obviously it was to demand I gave him a phone number for someone. I didn't answer immediately and, within 2 hours, he had blocked me!

I'm so tired of thinking about these disappointing, manipulative and sub standard men.

Original poster
SunsetSkylane · 10/10/2024 22:19

@Frith2013 he's just a creepy wee prick isn't he! Urgh. Thank god he forced you to see him as he truly is.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunsetSkylane · 10/10/2024 22:20

And yeah you're right about sub standard men; so weird how they become so significant and really they're just flawed normal people at best, if not manipulative devious arseholes.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 10/10/2024 23:14

@SunsetSkylane 😂
Naah, I’m surprised you’re not sick of mine! 😂

Original poster
SunsetSkylane · 10/10/2024 23:18

Oh please, you're the wisdom we all require!

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 10/10/2024 23:22

Found out on another thread I’m apparently not everybody’s cup of tea! 😂😂

LifeAtForty · 11/10/2024 08:00

I'm here too please!

My mind is still reeling off memories like a film I am bored of watching. Feel sad when it fires off all the good ones, because there were some great times. Trying not to beat myself up but mostly just feel sad.

Original poster
SunsetSkylane · 11/10/2024 09:10

Thewookiemustgo · 10/10/2024 23:22

Found out on another thread I’m apparently not everybody’s cup of tea! 😂😂

Oh wow! Well stick around here then instead!

OP posts:
pubertyalloveragain · 11/10/2024 09:38

Hey @Frith2013 yeah I'm okay thanks :) It got the better of me yesterday completely, I guess knowing he's so close by. Not sure why but last night realised a couple of things in a more dethatched way. That seriously who does what he did, it is slightly unhinged (and I know I have probably sounded unhinged! but this situation just floored me). The cowardice and sneakiness of it all. Love bombing, then waiting a month for me to reach out and then when I don't he just puff disappears. Shady stuff.

Also realised he could think (unrealistic longshot) that because I didnt in touch I wasn't interested and he was pinning for me and couldn't see me online anymore - but I seriously doubt this. We were caught up in the most bizarre cycle and I did us both a favour.

So I think started to see him in a more flawed human light.

@LifeAtForty Exactly rewatching the same old movie!! Grr move on!

Do you think all that the reason these guys are still living in our heads is that we have a void and my ridding ourselves of them, the void would be visible to us?

Frith2013 · 11/10/2024 09:47

@pubertyalloveragain I don't know if I would go so far as to say there is a void. Mine targeted me days after my ex moved out so I was definitely vulnerable and missing something at that point!

Since I last saw mine, I knew I had to throw myself into other things, particularly as I have had to leave my hobby to avoid him. So I applied for and started a new job and have lost 1.5 stones. Another 1.5 stones to go...

I also gave my finances a proper going over, checking all the bills online etc, even down to Nectar points and getting the autumn free National Trust entry!!

I do miss my proper ex (who lived with me) but some of his awful behaviour is coming to mind now more than the better times.

Both of these chaps had to leave my life as they were completely unsuitable and (the latter) not even particularly nice. It was just a matter of when.

pubertyalloveragain · 11/10/2024 09:55

@Frith2013 Yeah that's true, maybe I trying to in a round about way blame myself. I was in the same position actually, I wasn't even looking for anyone, took me about 5 months to even clock that he was pursuing me. I was so vulnerable and hopeful for any sign or glimmer.

Thank you actually, I have to remember how fragile I was. I remember pointing this out to him at one point, when I heard he had a not so ex ex and my self protective defense flew up. I remember him being shocked, he thought I was so confident. Problem was I was just happy to be spending time with someone I enjoyed being with... from then on it go twisted. And now he has left a bit f a void.

I'm going to remember what you wrote thank you.

On another note - what the hell 1.5 stone - I usually lose weight in these situations but I have gone the other way. Such a physical representation of the rollercoaster - super slim and active when he was around and since its been downhill. Please please share some secrets I have to get my confidence and self belief back. I have 1.5 stone to lose! xx

pubertyalloveragain · 11/10/2024 09:56

@Frith2013 Do you have kids?

Original poster
SunsetSkylane · 11/10/2024 11:19

Mine was definitely about a void; some things happened in my family that really destabilised me, and he was there.

I've spent the last year filling the void pretty successfully but it's a work in progress tbh. I don't think I'll ever be as content with my life ever again.

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 11/10/2024 12:09

@pubertyalloveragain 2 children but they're in their 20s.

Thewookiemustgo · 11/10/2024 12:18

@pubertyalloveragain this guy was comforting and food is comforting. Unless I’m in a massive crisis, when I can’t eat at all, I alI could eat for England when I’m stressed, believe me! I was a yo yo dieter since the age of 14 and have never had a great relationship with food. I decided to do I to get healthier, I had about a stone to lose and started walk/ jogging from scratch, costs nothing and fits into any routine. I got to the point where I went from not being able to jog for two minutes straight, to where I could run for 8 miles at a stretch and with careful eating (not starving) I lost 1 and a half stones. The half stone is back because I got an injury and can only do up to three miles now without it playing up, but the original stone stays off. The extra half was great but too much like hard work to keep away. 😂 You’ve got to really want to lose it and not give up when you fall off the wagon, just smile and start again.
Write down a list of why you want to lose weight and make sure every reason is for yourself, nothing and nobody else. Not fashion or men or peer pressure or because adverts and social media make you feel shit about yourself, just you. I’m guilty as charged with self esteem pressure, except it’s adverts and social media that can get to me. My bugbear is a wrinkly face and looking old. I’m fecking 60 so I don’t know what I think I’m supposed to look like, and I know I look good for my age. If I’m honest I know it’s because of my husband’s affair with a woman nearly 20 years mine (and his) junior, and it pisses me off no end that it can still get into my head because she’s an irrelevance to our lives, but if I’m honest in a weak moment it does. I think you’re right about the ‘void filling’ aspect of both things. When we’re bored or feeling down we reach for our drug of choice. Alcohol, drugs, unavailable men, porn, food, social media… it could be anything that makes us feel better, but they are all bad habits and we need to learn to reach for things that benefit us rather than hinder us on those moments, a harder option but way better for you and that’s what builds self esteem: making the right choices. The other easier things we reach for ultimately make us feel worse about ourselves for doing it. If I’m about to raid the freezer for my two mates in a dull moment: Ben and Jerry, I ask myself if I’m going to regret it later. Answer is more often than not ‘yes!’ so I don’t do it, but I’m no saint and “Fuck it!” sometimes wins. 😂
@SunsetSkylane I committed the ultimate MN crime of staying with an unfaithful husband and making a success of it, the LTB at all costs police really, really don’t like me. But that’s ok and that’s MN. 😂 You just need a thick skin.
The double standards are unbelievable. There’s a thread about a woman who’s had an affair and is heartbroken afterwards because she got dumped and is worried her secret will blow her life apart. If she was a man writing the same thing she’d get ripped a new one.

Original poster
SunsetSkylane · 11/10/2024 13:02

Yeah the double standards on here can be absolutely wild.

I'm still amazed that this is our third thread and it's not been invaded by people telling us we're faithless cunts.

I think it's clear from this that, yes, we've done the wrong things and stuff we're not proud of, but it comes from a place of (and also causes) profound pain.

I think it's crazy that women who come on here saying things like 'I don't like one of my children' get less judgement than people like me.

This has been the only thread I've ever been able to be truly open.

OP posts:
Kat888 · 11/10/2024 14:50

Super proud of you're progress @Frith2013 I have been reading you're updates for a while. You deserve alot better than those two. It's onwards and upwards for you 🙂

Frith2013 · 11/10/2024 14:56

Thank you, @Kat888

If there is a void within me, I have now reverted to filling it with cups of tea and online chess!

No more unsuitable men. I am too tired.

Thewookiemustgo · 11/10/2024 15:51

@SunsetSkylane “people like me”? Don’t label yourself, ever.
You mean human, like all the rest of us? Like everyone?
There but for the grace of God (or whatever you might believe in) go any of us. Nobody has the right to personally judge you.
Everyone on Mumsnet at some time or another needs to think very carefully before lobbing rocks from inside their glass houses.
I abhor infidelity and am ok with saying that here, it’s damaging and abusive. But I abhor it like I abhor murder or theft or fraud or anything other bad behaviour that humans are capable of that hurts others.
But I always abhor the behaviour, never the person. We make wrong choices, we regret them, we learn, we own up, we apologise and make amends where we can and try to do better. It’s called being alive.
You’re not ‘people like you’, you’re a person, doing your best, like we all are.

LifeAtForty · 12/10/2024 21:03

Had a bloody dream about him last night and it's completely knocked me. It was so real and I could really feel
him. Feel awful today. There has been tears and I've drafted messages to send, even though I deleted his number!! I also searched for him on socials and ended up looking at his ex (who cheated on him and left him to have a baby with the OM) and have been relentlessly beating myself up wondering what she had that I don't that she was able to make him love her. I know this is all pathetic which doesn't help. When will this shit feeling good away?!

pubertyalloveragain · 12/10/2024 22:13

Thewookiemustgo · 11/10/2024 12:18

@pubertyalloveragain this guy was comforting and food is comforting. Unless I’m in a massive crisis, when I can’t eat at all, I alI could eat for England when I’m stressed, believe me! I was a yo yo dieter since the age of 14 and have never had a great relationship with food. I decided to do I to get healthier, I had about a stone to lose and started walk/ jogging from scratch, costs nothing and fits into any routine. I got to the point where I went from not being able to jog for two minutes straight, to where I could run for 8 miles at a stretch and with careful eating (not starving) I lost 1 and a half stones. The half stone is back because I got an injury and can only do up to three miles now without it playing up, but the original stone stays off. The extra half was great but too much like hard work to keep away. 😂 You’ve got to really want to lose it and not give up when you fall off the wagon, just smile and start again.
Write down a list of why you want to lose weight and make sure every reason is for yourself, nothing and nobody else. Not fashion or men or peer pressure or because adverts and social media make you feel shit about yourself, just you. I’m guilty as charged with self esteem pressure, except it’s adverts and social media that can get to me. My bugbear is a wrinkly face and looking old. I’m fecking 60 so I don’t know what I think I’m supposed to look like, and I know I look good for my age. If I’m honest I know it’s because of my husband’s affair with a woman nearly 20 years mine (and his) junior, and it pisses me off no end that it can still get into my head because she’s an irrelevance to our lives, but if I’m honest in a weak moment it does. I think you’re right about the ‘void filling’ aspect of both things. When we’re bored or feeling down we reach for our drug of choice. Alcohol, drugs, unavailable men, porn, food, social media… it could be anything that makes us feel better, but they are all bad habits and we need to learn to reach for things that benefit us rather than hinder us on those moments, a harder option but way better for you and that’s what builds self esteem: making the right choices. The other easier things we reach for ultimately make us feel worse about ourselves for doing it. If I’m about to raid the freezer for my two mates in a dull moment: Ben and Jerry, I ask myself if I’m going to regret it later. Answer is more often than not ‘yes!’ so I don’t do it, but I’m no saint and “Fuck it!” sometimes wins. 😂
@SunsetSkylane I committed the ultimate MN crime of staying with an unfaithful husband and making a success of it, the LTB at all costs police really, really don’t like me. But that’s ok and that’s MN. 😂 You just need a thick skin.
The double standards are unbelievable. There’s a thread about a woman who’s had an affair and is heartbroken afterwards because she got dumped and is worried her secret will blow her life apart. If she was a man writing the same thing she’d get ripped a new one.

Ah thank you for that @Thewookiemustgo. I was super slim and fit last year and I can honestly say this situation affected my self worth so much that I just slumped. OR when I think about it when it was going well last year as shortlived as it was, I guess I was just so happy.

pubertyalloveragain · 12/10/2024 22:14

LifeAtForty · 12/10/2024 21:03

Had a bloody dream about him last night and it's completely knocked me. It was so real and I could really feel
him. Feel awful today. There has been tears and I've drafted messages to send, even though I deleted his number!! I also searched for him on socials and ended up looking at his ex (who cheated on him and left him to have a baby with the OM) and have been relentlessly beating myself up wondering what she had that I don't that she was able to make him love her. I know this is all pathetic which doesn't help. When will this shit feeling good away?!

See it as your self conscious working it all out, like a detox.

Original poster
SunsetSkylane · 12/10/2024 22:53

Maybe @pubertyalloveragain it's also annoying as all fuck though. It's like I get my brain under control during daylight hours and it gets revenge at night!

OP posts:
pubertyalloveragain · 13/10/2024 19:24

I am trying to figure out if it was a void or whether I was just trying to move on. Separated from husband for reasons that are just so hard to explain. Husband wants me back but its like between him and this other guy who are at other ends of spectrum, I think all men are weak.

Original poster
SunsetSkylane · 13/10/2024 19:51

Fuck knows @pubertyalloveragain

I've been very down today, and I am mulling over the same thing. I've theoretically filled most of the void in terms of work and my hobbies. So what is it? Why can't I get past it?

I'm scared it's my marriage.

OP posts: