I can’t disagree with why you say @MainlyWater, death and other people’s behaviour is not within our control.
Logically then, the only way to avoid pain from being hurt by others whether intentionally or through death is to avoid relationships altogether, which also deprives us of a basic human need and a great deal of fulfilment and joy.
I think we all make ourselves vulnerable by having relationships with others and every relationship is a risk of a loss of some kind or another. That is true. But many of these risks are worth taking.
I’m in my sixties now and my parents, a sibling and three friends, one very close one, have all passed on. Of course I miss them and still live them dearly, sometimes it can still make me cry, but I feel privileged that they loved me and brought me so much support and joy.
People cheat for many reasons, not just ego. My husband’s affair was ego driven but why he made that choice to cheat where others wouldn’t was the real cause. The cheating episode could hade been alcohol, drugs, food, over spending etc, anything to avoid dealing with the feelings and pit of pain around why he felt that way about himself.
It was self sabotaging and self sabotaging behaviour is very difficult to understand and unpick. Those who do it are doing it to avoid what is really going on with them, and having avoided it for so long and gone to such destructive drastic measures to avoid it, aren’t exactly going to pull up a chair and discuss it and deal with it, until they realise they can’t run away forever or they actually die doing it. He had to reach rock bottom and thoughts of suicide to get there. None if this is an excuse, he chose it knowing what he was doing, it was all his responsibility.
You are absolutely right that he never intended leaving me and yet he drove a wrecking ball through us. You are absolutely right that it’s a crazy self-sabotaging thing to do. When the shit hit the fan he had deliberately avoided thinking about the consequences of how nuts it all was, just keep getting the dopamine and tomorrow will look after itself. He was eventually forced by circumstances to look at it and it horrified and terrified him.
He sat sobbing and saying “I’ve ruined my life. I’ve ruined everybody’s life.” over and over again. I just watched him unmoved, he’d killed us for ultimately nothing. I felt nothing, it was too painful to even feel.
It did make me realise that cheating isn’t always cynically motivated and that there was something else going on. It wasn’t about her or me or anybody but him. It wasn’t going to be him waiting for me to take my eye off the ball then go back and keep doing it. He hated himself.
Epiphanies do exist and that was his. It caused huge changes for the better and I’ll never regret staying. Cheating to me is like any other self destructive behaviour, you either face it and sort yourself out and change, or you’ll carry on chasing it and doing it to your own eventual demise leaving a swathe of pain in your wake. There aren’t enough people or beds or drugs or alcohol or porn or food in the world to solve your issues, you have to do that yourself.
I think men do this more than women for a variety of reasons, some being upbringing and traditional gender roles and expected characteristics, which lead to men seeing owning up to having issues and talking about issues as weak. It would be interesting to see gender figures for any kind of addiction and self sabotaging behaviour, maybe men are more likely to do this rather than address their issues than women. We support and talk to one another and confide more than men do, maybe. Thankfully there are mental health campaigns encouraging men to speak up and teaching in schools around gender now and maybe that will help.
Totally agree about waiting for someone to make decisions about going forward in life, my husband had to decide as soon as I found out and immediately agree to sort his shit out or I was done. He made a shitshow of ending the affair but the decision was made, he did it and committed to looking at himself and his issues and change. He did that too.
I think it comes down to boundaries and what you’re prepared to put up with. I stayed after infidelity but I wasn’t prepared to put up with it, if that makes sense. His cheating was a total revelation to me, but once known, there would be no more in my life, in that he could either stop or get out.
I agree about fully being reliant on others. I am responsible for my happiness and I know I’d be ok on my own. Everyone needs to be at that point before they have a relationship with anyone, being afraid of abandonment or dependent or living in hope of a decision or change is unhealthy and soul destroying.
Serial cheats won’t stop until they face what’s driving it, like any addict. If you’re kept dangling with no decision or change then it means exactly that: they don’t want to make a decision and they don’t want to or aren’t prepared to change. For me that’s when to walk away. No decision, no relationship.
Don’t ever wait for anyone to sort their shit out, sadly for my sibling and their spouse they made a great deal of effort to stop the behaviour but never sorted out the actual cause. Their self destructive behaviour eventually killed them.