WWYD? BF moving didn’t tell me

[ShockedAF]

Been with bf 3y.
We live next door. We see each other most days and have done for the last 2y.

Recently he’s been on tidy spree, saying he wants to declutter his life. I was over there last night seemed normal.

Today a For Sale sign has gone up. He’s at work. Photographs already online at the Estate Agent.

He’s texting as normal. I feel sick and shaky. I’ve gone ice cold.

He’s decluttering me out of his life isn’t he?

My plan is to just block him and never speak to him again. WWYD?

we can all see it

Speak for yourself

Of course OP is posting based on her own perspective but at least based on what she has written, I am only seeing "staggering levels of miss communication " [sic] "and immature behaviour" from the guy. Who asks their partner to help tidy and declutter their flat, without even telling them it's to sell it and move away? FFS!

From her side, I am seeing signs hurt and frustration, which seem most normal and human.

Um, nope?

<waits for Zahariel to deny that they’ve ever posted on this thread and what are we, nuts or something?> 🤣🤣

Of course I am speaking for myself.

And this direct quote:

"My plan is to just block him and never speak to him again. WWYD?"

Is the height of childish, immature behaviour. Very, very clearly poor communication, the OP is taking no responsibility for anything at all, and will only sail into the same situation again if we all rally round and say "there there it's nothing to do with you".

I don;t come from that school of thought. You do you though...

I'm curious to know what he's doing and where he's going, if he's got financial difficulties but isn't downsizing.

Ignore the "off posts" Shocked. No reasonable person could possible think anything other than you have been mistreated and deserve better. Sorry this has happened to you. I know its hard to break away but you know its for the best x

He didn’t apologise. He tried more gaslighting saying I would have ‘gone mad’ no matter how he told me.

For me, this is what really tells you who he is.

I expect almost everyone can think of a time in their lives where something has spiralled out of control. Where we find ourselves outwardly pretending everything is rosy, while inside we feel alone, ashamed, and unable to see a way out. It's that shame and fear that makes us bottle it all up. We know it's our fault and when it finally comes out, own our mistakes and we apologise.

But this guy doesn't seem to be experiencing any of those feelings. Rather than owning his decisions, he's got the absolute front to blame the OP for the lying by omission.

The former situation may be absolutely forgivable (depending on the nature of the lie, obviously). The latter is utterly unforgivable.

Still only getting one side of the story here...

Yes, it's odd that he didn't tell you about this in advance. But there could be plenty of reasons why he hasn't that you haven't considered. People who have money woes tend to keep the truth of it secret, particularly from loved one, mainly out of shame and embarrassment for the situation they're in. You mention he'd been scammed - so who knows, maybe something has happened again?

Respectfully, unless you're married to someone, you're very unlikely to know the full extent of their finances or any problems they have.

It does sound a bit to me like you've jumped to your own emotional conclusion about this rather than actually properly finding out from him what's going on and why he's felt the need to do this. Could he be in trouble? Could he owe someone money, and this is the only solution he has?

I might agree with you somewhat if the OP had actually followed that plan. But she did not block him, and instead she spoke with him for an hour on the phone.

Her OP indicates that she felt like blocking him and never speaking to him again, due to feeling hurt and betrayed and gaslit and used. Feeling that way seems pretty normal to me given the basic facts of the situation that she has described. Saying that it's immature to even feel that way initially seems pretty harsh to me.

@ShockedAF Take this as a life lesson, OP. You were in a FWB relationship with a neighbour for 3 years, seeming to never discuss future plans, or to visualise any relationship milestones that would distinguish casual dating from a long term relationship.

Even though you had seen him cohabitate with his ex, you did not think to question when that would happen with you and why it wasn't happening.

There are many men that are deceptive, lie and view us as bed warmers. It is not good enough to claim that you have been gaslit when in simple terms you have actually described that when he was not truthful, you went along with it anyway.

Take responsibility for your own actions in this debacle, turn up your bullshit meter to 10, and make a better fist of it next time a guy comes along with a tall tale and a white smile.

You are not made of glass. You'll bounce back - better and stronger.

I'd book a viewing 😂 but then I'm crazy so maybe don't do that.

I genuinely don't understand what the OP might have to take responsibility for. Her boyfriend of three years put his house on the market without at any point mentioning it to her. He used her for help to get his house ready for market, but withheld that key piece of information. He was prepared to let her find out about the projected move by the signboard he knew she would see outside his house. How is she responsible for any of that? IMO even to suggest that she might bear some of the responsibility for this situation is nothing better than victim-blaming.

@ShockedAF
Well done to you for handling that so well.

I hope you have an easier day today 💐

He lives next door, knew he had upset you and yet didn’t try to come round and apologise face to face?
Says it all really.

No he doesn’t owe anyone money.
Sorry for being cryptic. Although he’s an arsehole I don’t want to reveal any personal financial info of his as this thread is a bit wild now and I worry it’s such an odd situation that it will be recognised by someone he knows.

@ShockedAF

Definitely not an excuse, but I wonder if this man thought this was a FWB situation rather than a 'relationship'. I've known men to give off all sorts of 'relationship vibes' to keep a FWB going, especially if they think the woman will stop sleeping with them because she feels she's getting emotionally involved.

Or maybe he's just a Grade A jackass. Yeah, probably that.

😂Not an apologist 😂

The OP is not a telepath and is not responsible for him.
In particularly she is not responsible for him asking for her help in decluttering and building furniture, which she generously did, whilst concealing the fact from her that he was moving house.
She is not responsible for him deciding to let her find out about the sale by seeing an actual For Sale sign go up, or for his subsequent gas lighting.
As for communication she's spoken to him directly about this.

I don't think it's a 'one side of the story' situation at all.

You've made it clear that he kept you totally in the dark for months, that he has a tendency to lie, that he can be sneeky and that he wants to keep seeing you.

Don't keep repeating yourself for people who can't get their heads around non-typical behaviours, OP.

Ignore those comments. You've more than explained.

I think that it’s a bit of a shitty thing to do not telling you, and I get that you’re hurt by it. I would be hurt too at the thought that I hadn’t been held in mind or maybe question that I wasn’t as important to that person as I thought I was.

However, I don’t think I would react in the same way (although it sounds like I’m in the minority). I can understand that I would feel upset about it, and also that my boyfriend had every right to decide whether or not to tell me. I think I would more be looking for reassurance that the reason he hadn’t told me wasn’t because he didn’t care, but more something to do with how he needed to cope with the situation at the time. If this was really stressful for him and he knew that telling you would add more stress because you would be upset then I would try to understand that, especially if he’d been having a really tough time. If he genuinely seemed confused about why it would feel so upsetting to me then I would reflect a bit upon whether I thought he would have told me if he’d known just how much of an impact it would have had on me or our relationship.

I would do the above if I felt happy in our relationship and trusting of him. Having said that I don’t know if you’re saying you’ve had other situations that have been really dodgy or shady, in which case I would be a bit more careful.

She's explained this guy has been gaslighting her, being sneaky and lying her throughout the 3 years... nonetheless she stuck with him, did she think he was going to change? Obviously the "for sale" sign was the straw that broke the camels back but there's some responsability on her part for sticking with him.

I would ask, even though I’d be scared of the answer. But however he answers, whether it’s truthful (unlikely, IMHO), you’ll have the info you need to make your own decisions going forward.
I can understand why some people are secretive for no reason, if it stems from an unhealthy childhood, but also recognise the effect it can have on other people. Putting your house up for sale and not mentioning you’re planning to move is huge, though.

Presumably most people who are married were boyfriend and girlfriend before becoming engaged? Why be partners in the first place if one thinks that none of the big things going on in their life are the other’s business, especially when they will affect them?

Partners should be a “team”, sounds like OP has been trying for 3 years to convert this guy into something he was not: a team player. Chasing a man while trying to turn him into the team player he doesn’t want to be is exhausting (and awful for ones self esteem!)

I think you've handled it really well OP
He has literally discarded you and you have confronted him, even though you'll never get a straight answer from someone like him
Onwards and upwards, and I'll repeat Do not feel embarrassed to tell friends/ family the real situation.

Well perhaps he did.

Even so, he’s been a sneaky turd with this stunt.