WWYD? BF moving didn’t tell me

[ShockedAF]

Been with bf 3y.
We live next door. We see each other most days and have done for the last 2y.

Recently he’s been on tidy spree, saying he wants to declutter his life. I was over there last night seemed normal.

Today a For Sale sign has gone up. He’s at work. Photographs already online at the Estate Agent.

He’s texting as normal. I feel sick and shaky. I’ve gone ice cold.

He’s decluttering me out of his life isn’t he?

My plan is to just block him and never speak to him again. WWYD?

Of course it is his choice, but you don't find it a but weird that you would get your girlfriend (also your bext door neighbour) involved in preparing your house for sale and not say a word?

Of course it’s his decision.
He isn’t down sizing.
I’m not outraged at him making his own financial decisions. He’s made some really mad ones the last 3 years, including being obviously scammed, and I haven’t ever been angry because it’s not my money.

Just feel that if he was moving he should have told me and not had me helping declutter and take delivery of new furniture and help him install it.

Most people would be upset by that and feel foolish I think?

"But I said ‘You have to stop blaming all these other things now. This is your behaviour and your choices. Which is fine, but behaving like this has had consequences on me’. He went quiet and then tried a little joke."

I'm so proud of you. You've dealt with this amazingly. I know I don't know you but you're my new idol!

I had a guy in mu life on and off for 5 years. I was a sucker and thought it was a relationship. Then he got a new job and didn't tell me. He gaslit me when I asked him and I blocked him. Never saw him again. It was damn hard but like you I went cold.

Just well done!

Why are you putting words in his mouth rather than asking him? Grow up and ask. Maybe he isn't moving away from you, maybe he has a change in finances or job or a better situation available. However, I can't imagine dating my neighbour and seeing them daily for 3 years. Normal relationships involve space, especially in the early stages so maybe he is moving away from you.

On a separate note, if he does gaslight you usually then why the f are you with him anyway?

You're both acting so unhealthily weird.

Frankly, this is your piss poor communication as a couple coming back to bite you. You clearly have no idea what sort of relationship you had, nor did he, you don;t talk honestly and openly, you didn;t speak about where you were, where you were going and how it all fitted together, you hide things from each other and you behave like a four year old saying "I am gonna blank him and never speak to him again". Take some responsibility, both of you, or you will be in the same situation again in 3 years with someone else.

He's the one that should be embarrased - not you!
But CF's like this seldom have any shame or they wouldn't behave like such CFs.

Only had time to read OPs replies so apologies if this has already been suggested.

Perhaps a social media post with pic of the house/sale sign - "This is how I found out My BF's house is for sale - and now so is he." followed by estate agent style blurb like Secretive BF in a good location, in need of some modernisation and updating, extremely shoddy in places, high maintenance, probably more than one careful owner, proper surveys and due diligence required before making an offer.
Of course I'm not really suggesting you do that OP.

The shameless way he pretended he thought his actions wouldn't make any difference to you in the last conversation really shows up his character.

This reminds me of an ex of mine who told a lot of lies and wouldn’t take responsibility for his own behaviour.

A while after we split up, I bumped into him and we chatted briefly. I asked him where he was moving to as I’d seen a For Sale board outside his house (he lived on a main road near me). He denied that he was selling his house and said the estate agent had put the board up by mistake. The sign was briefly taken down, but reappeared and the house sold a few months later.

I suspect he’d got into debt and was forced to sell. But I was often baffled by his lies. What was the point?

Anyway I was well shot of him and you will be well shot of yours!

After selling his house, my ex bought himself some designer clothes, fell out with his friends and the last I heard, he was living in a camper van. 😳

Yes, it tells me where I stand.

The absolute sneakiness of it all.

So sly. I find it quite repulsive and I hope I keep in feeling that way.

I actually think you've dealt with this in the right way.

At the start of this thread I was one of those thinking 'why on earth wouldn't you just ask him???', and that's probably what I would have done in your shoes too.

But actually, I think your freeze instinct has helped you here. I know we'll never know for sure, but from what you say it feels likely that if you had done any of the responses on here and asked him about it, he would have likely been expecting it, and would have said something like 'Yeah, it's because of that financial issue I told you about...that's why I've been decluttering, right?'.

And suddenly OP is on the back foot. Maybe he wouldn't be so brazen in gaslighting as to say he'd already told her about it, but she would be coming to him looking for answers, and he'd be in a strong (psychological) position.

Plus, she'd then probably (and justifiably) react in that 'mad' way he said he was expecting, by saying 'Why on earth didn't you tell me??? Why did you hide it???'. And so suddenly he can go 'Because I knew you'd react like this, and see, I was right!'. It's all so manipulative, and very possible that OP would be questioning herself and her reactions, rather than realising what a piece of shit he is.

So by trying to process it all, and work through the scenarios to realise there is NO suitable answer he could give her, OP has done well to instead drop the rope and step back. He's then had to be the one to make that eventual phone call, because he's wondered why she hasn't said anything.

She's in the stronger position of now better questioning everything he says, as she's been processing it all day, and better able to see through his bullshit. And so she comes out on top, being rid of him.

(Disclaimer - obviously the above is all speculation, but from what you've said, it doesn't sound unlikely a scenario at all)

Thank you so much. 💐

Feeling a bit sensitive just now and some of the comments this morning are a bit off.

I’m sorry he did that. It’s hard to realise you just weren’t taken into consideration isn’t it?

Are you OK now?

Yes they would. It’s really weird, insulting, gaslighting behaviour. He had you helping sort his house for moving, didn’t even tell you that that was what he was doing, then gaslit you that he ‘couldn’t’ have told you because you’d ‘go mad’.

It’s such classic controlling gaslighting behaviour you could probably find a directly relevant example from writings on how emotionally abusive relationships work, and send it to him.

You’ve handled it really well so far, I would continue to shut him down with something like -

‘Look, I am no longer interested in any kind of relationship with you. This has confirmed what I’ve really known for a long while - you are seriously unable to communicate properly without engaging in bizarre behaviour, but cannot see it at all. I’ve no interest in discussing any of this any further because of what I’ve just said - you cannot see your behaviour and I’m not wasting any more time being gaslighted about it. I’m very glad you’re selling up. Get some therapy with some of the proceeds from the sale, stop contacting me, and stop telling yourself there’s nothing wrong with you and it’s all me, because if you don’t get some help all your relationships will end like this. Good luck’

Well done OP, to have spoken to him and heard the situation from his side. He sounds a bit bonkers to be honest though no doubt creative and fun, and probably unable to have a relationship that doesn't involve a load of evasions. Hope that you soon find somebody equally interesting but less challenged on the 'reasonable behaviour' stakes. x

I think your freeze response is really understandable - what a shock. Your relationship as you know it completely turned upside down in a split second. Your reality shattered. In a sense there was nothing he could say that would make things ok and it's hard to even really know what you might say to him Doing something this weird makes it so unlikely that there would be a fruitful conversation. Although it's hard to say from a single incident, this does suggest either emotional abuse (withholding information and discussions that one is entitled to expect in an intimate relationship) or a high level of personality disturbance on his part. Either way, you don't want to be part of it. Take care of yourself in the coming days and weeks.

The above with bells, but he was a c-nt for letting you install his furniture without letting you know ‘why’, I would dump him just for that, but it does sound like this was the ‘straw that broke the camels back’ for the OP.

Yes he does tell lies quite a bit. I normally just say ‘I know that’s a lie’ and he admits it. Usually just daft things though. Also will never take responsibility which is infuriating.

So strange removing the sign then selling again isn’t it? They are so odd.

Glad you have no regrets! Hope I feel that way soon.

Oh yes, mans a prick, hope that goes without saying. But to say it's all his fault would be .... untrue.

🤣 You’ve got the essence of him there for sure!

Of course I would ask. I would probably still unceremoniously dump him once I got his answer but I'd at least want to know.

@ShockedAF so where is he planning to live when his flat, house, cave, whatever it is?? hope he wasnt planning on just thinking he could move in with you???

It's not the OP's fault he is secretive to the extent of letting her draw her own conclusions when the For Sale sign went up? Or that he gaslighted her and got her to help him "declutter" and build furniture whilst saying nothing whatever about his plans. Or that he didn't think this behaviour needed an apology and pretended he thought they could continue as usual after that.

There's a lack of communication because one of them is a secretive devious liar.

This must have been a bombshell, but I think she's handled it well. And I don't think its her fault at all.

Every time I think I've read the worst thread, something else shocks me 😲.

I'm usually a block and move on kinda person, but I'd have to hear what story this one concocts. I'd be waiting for him this evening, right by the sign.

Jesus wept 😢

Damn. Apols @ShockedAF I had your post open since yesterday and didn't refresh so didn't see any other posts! Of course I'm too late to amend that earlier one so just adding this - what an absolutely knobber he is.

Thanks 💐

Don't be an apologist, this is clearly on the laps of both people in this relationship, staggering levels of miss communication and immature behaviour, we can all see it.

I think Zahariel might be OP's ex. 😆