Disappointing proposal? Gather here

[GoldenGirl85]

So, we’ve been married for over a year now, but I still can’t shake this feeling about the proposal. I’d always said I wanted something private but special. Instead, it was just a quick question at home—no decor, no planning, and I even had to find us a restaurant to celebrate afterward. I’d say I’ve 70% forgiven him, but I still think, why did you flop so badly?

To give him some credit, he was extremely nervous and said he asked on a whim because he felt like doing it there and then. I understand whims, but I would have preferred for it to be planned.

Anyone else had a similar experience? How did you move past it?

Is your marriage ok? What else is festering that annoys you

Christ on a bike this can not be real surely? Sounds like whatever he did wouldn’t be good enough for you. This is so entitled and grabby.

I can just see the post on a few years if you decide to have kids
my husband didn’t buy me a “push present” I’m disappointed how could be be so selfish blah blah blah

I refer you to my earlier post.

One day when we had been together 18 months and had just had a baby, I was having a bath. My now DH came running in apologising and said he needed to go desperately and my eldest son was in the down stairs on the loo with the runs. So I had to sit the bath desperately trying to rinse off my hair while he noisily evacuated his bowels in the windowless bathroom. I was gagging and he was begging forgiveness and then he just said we had crossed all the intimacy barriers and must now spend the rest of our lives together. So my proposal literally smelled of shit.

But he made up for it by loving me and our kids with a ferocity that has left me breathless at times. He does the small things. The big things . and he rubs my feet and puts my socks on for me even though I don't need him to. He buys me daffodils all through spring. He indulges me in my mad ideas and loves me without question. 23 years and counting and I love him with all my heart. Honestly we came close to divorcing a few times at my request but he has always said I'm his sole mate and waited for me to come around ( I'm bipolar). And im so glad he did. The first 7-8 years were a bit rocky but since then we're have gone from strength to strength. I honestly had no idea it was possible to have a love this deep for another person. Makes the first 8 years look like a casual Fwb set up 😂

@WitchyBits, you win!

Yikes, your poor DH, he spontaneously told you he loves you enough to spend the rest of your lives together, and that’s not enough, you wanted decor?!!? 😧

Yep!! I got a quick “you wanna be my wife”, just in my bedroom, no down on one knee, nothing. I said yes, but it’s been 13 years now and we haven’t gotten married. There is absolutely no romance whatsoever in our relationship. I should have known from the proposal, but in other ways at the time he was great and thoughtful. Now I don’t even get a cuppa tea on my birthday!

Hang on, you’d already been speaking about getting married for months!? And then you’re disappointed by the proposal??
As far as I’m concerned the “proposal” is when you first agree that you want to get married 🤔 which is seems as if you had, some time previously. The rest of it is simply “bling” and frankly irrelevant to your relationship.

Decor? Christ everything is so extra these days.
Get off Instagram and stop believing you are not winning at life if you don't buy a load of decorative tat for every single occasion going!

😁Not Valentine's though. We never do that!

Well.. I've been married 15 years now but my first proposal was with a haribo ring. I woke up with a savage hangover with said ring stuck to my face and said "did you propose last night?"... "I think so" he said.

Second was his birthday, I kept him waiting all day for a big surprise gift I had got him not knowing he had plans to propose properly. He got so worked up and nervous he necked a bottle of vodka and practically threw the ring box at me and stumbled off.

Third time was the day after the second attempt, once he had sobered up and did it "properly" in a pub with friends, champagne and down on one knee. But, I don't think it would have been so funny or special had the first two not occurred.

I had nothing to forgive him for and it's now looked back on fondly with good humour.

How do you move past the proposal? Well as you are now married presumably the answer to that question is that already have! You've 70% forgiven him for not having bells and whistles when he proposed? Really?
God help the poor guy if he ever makes a real mistake that actually requires forgiveness!

Yeah, I had a pretty underwhelmed proposal too. We are very happily married 20 years later and he’s the best husband and father.

my friend had a fancy proposal and it went tits up before they got down the aisle.

i know which I prefer

I agree...but only because it shows a lack of consideration/laziness from the one proposing if they can't be bothered at all to make any sort of effort for their partner if they know what their partner would like.

Several posters have said that they would actually hate it if their partner had proposed in an elaborate way...so how would they feel if their partner knew that and then did a big showy proposal anyway? They'd be upset, I'd imagine.

I don't see that being any different to the OP expressing to her DP that she wanted a little effort for a private proposal and him basically ignoring that.

Surely the issue here is that he asked her what she would like and then basically did the opposite. I mean...maybe he didn't understand what she meant by 'special' but if he's proposing I'd hope he knew her well enough to know what she'd find romantic/special and do that for her, but he couldn't be bothered. And that's crap.

I think attempting to communicate in each other's love language is a pretty basic expectation for a relationship.

Actually, I agree with that sentiment and concede a bit. I would have hated an elaborate proposal and my partner knew that.

I was sat on my parents kitchen counter when my OH asked. We'd just been at a close friends wedding. I said you best ask my dad. And my dad said yeah you can take her off my hands 😂. We've been married for 8 and a bit years and together for nearly 15 years! No bother to me, but I'm pretty low key anyways.

I will never understand this bizarre thing where a couple have already agreed to get married... and then the man stages a fake "proposal". Especially if the woman has already told him what sort of "proposal" she'd like.

I actually can't remember how we came to be married! Honestly my mind is a complete blank as to the proposal. It wasn't that that ruined the marriage or my opinion of ex dh!!

Sorry but just get over it. It wouldn’t have occurred to my husband and I basically told him I wanted us to get married. I chose the ring. And don’t get me started on the ‘help’ he arranged with our actual wedding!!!! But here we are 24 years later, still happy together. It really doesn’t matter about the trimmings, it’s not important!!!!

I think people are being harsh on the OP. I understand exactly what she means about wanting a proposal to be a bit special. It's an enormous turning-point in your life, a defining moment. Proposing in the way he did is a missed opportunity to celebrate one of the amazing moments in life, and heaven knows, there are enough bad things that come to us in this life. I think his proposal was a pity.

OP should ask herself if they're compatible. If she's much more of a person who likes to celebrate in life, and wants to make the most of moments together like a proposal, Valentine's Day, etc., and he's a non-romantic, then she's bound to be disappointed throughout their marriage.

But perhaps she could have made her feelings known by light-heartedly saying "I'll give you my answer when you take me out for the day and we have a fulsome picnic somewhere private, and you get down on one knee!" (Or whatever her desired scenario is. I'm just saying a picnic because she wanted privacy.)

Or she could have given the lacklustre proposal the same back, and said something like "Could do. Sure, whenever is good for you. I'm going for a run."

@Mom2K You are of course right, and I’m another who apologised for taking the piss much earlier in this thread.

I don’t think everyone who shared their low-key proposals here was being mean or taking a moral high ground (or ‘pick-me’s’ as was suggested at one point). I think a lot were saying that there are all sorts of proposals that are unremarkable or a bit rubbish but they are looked on fondly because it marked a point when their relationships became something much more solid and important.

Our fiancés/husbands/wives can make a right dog’s dinner of things sometimes but a lot of the time they become just stories in our long history togther. Don’t have to be a problem ‘70% forgiven a year later’ unless there is something deeper going on.

Husband proposed on the underground. In Beijing. To the consternation of a lot of Chinese commuters. No ring (I got one later because I insisted) but he did buy me a big pair of yellow, nylon knickers which disintegrated on the first wash. He’d insisted we pack light and three pairs of pants for a three week trip to China just wasn’t enough! (It was also my birthday). We’ve been married 33 years. He’s still the one. Wishing you a long and happy marriage.

Gosh, you sound a bit entitled op. Why is how he proposed important? Isn’t the fact he loves you so much he wants to spend the rest of his life with you what really counts?
Is this maybe a cover up for you not being happy in the marriage? I’d advice you to have a long look at what is actually bothering you about your relationship (or why you find the looks of things more important than the things themself).

You sound completely self-absorbed. Your poor hubby!!