Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Hey Everyone,

I posted a few days ago but probably the timing was terrible with all the Christmas stuff.

Would be really interesting to know if others think I am on the right tracks thinking my DP has ADhD and maybe ASD. I think it would explain a lot although DP not interested in pursuing a diagnosis.

Some of the main things-
• He likes lots of stimulation-TV, working, playing on his phone at the same time. Watches same programmes on repeat as he likes the familiarity
• He has a sector he works in that he’s really passionate about. Has part-time work with an organisation in the sector and then part-time also works on his own projects in that sector. Spare time also doing related activities.
• Gets very grumpy if he feels he isn’t able to spend enough time on his part-time projects and activities every day. Tbh, he’d like to make a full-time living out of these but it’s a tough sector
• Seems to struggle to know or explain what his needs or emotional state and often gets overwhelmed/grumpy because he hasn’t prioritised his own needs or had enough time on his projects
• Hygiene issues-doesn’t like to shower regularly (can’t explain why) but gets ashamed by his smell, hates brushing his teeth and puts this off for days unless nagged. Doesn’t like the sensation/brush makes him gag
• Chores-really have to nag and remind him, often forgets or doesn’t prioritise things until things are a complete mess-e.g. over-flowing bins
• Very socially anxious, doesn’t like/need to spend a lot of time with others, doesn’t do well with office politics or rules
• Can get very annoyed if asked to do something now, even if asked nicely and is something we previously agreed

This isn’t everything and he is an amazing partner in a lot of ways. Some of these things are really difficult to deal with though!

Sneering at other people but having their own quirks seems a common theme amongst my family members/DP who I suspect have ASD. E.g. mocking my hobby (even though they know I’m not interested in theirs but try to be supportive) or taking the piss out of my TV choices and then watching shows that I personally can’t stand multiple times. I’m all for live and let live, it’s fine to have differing interests, but it’s the absolute insistence that I have bad taste/boring interests. I don’t know if this could be linked to ASD/be a common ASD trait or if it’s just coincidence?! If others have this experience, how do you deal with it?!

Sorry @Billnben that no one has answered specifically but yes I would say you are on the right track! Difficult to get my DC to brush teeth and a number of ADHD forums say the same. Two things at once eg TV and laptop is common for ADHD. Aspi is definitely more like black and white behaviour but there are lots of nuances because it's a spectrum. Socially just doesn't get it; and speaking the "truth" as they see it, again possibly more asd/aspi.

Thanks @working4ever that’s really helpful. Do you have any strategies that have worked with your kids that would be transferable to an adult. My DP has committed to trying with the teeth/shower but he’s a grown man so I’m happy to support but want him to take the initiative not me have to nag him!

Agree with @working4ever
im surprised that, seen the difficulties he has, he has never been diagnosed.

Not sure what to propose. Even though dc2 is on the spectrum, we havent had major issues re hygiene. Probably because dc2 is hyposensitive (eg doesn’t feel pain when anyone else would be screaming).

For the rest…. Not sure I have good advice.
I tend to let dh get on with whatever works for him. And I do what works for me. More like living our life in parallel than together iyswim.
But he is ASD not AuDHD so we don’t have issues with not remembering/unfocused.

So fed up of explaining something that bothers me and why, yet he continues to do it over and over. Years of it
Yet he is far more obsessed with me than I him, more deeply in love, hates it when we argue, plays the victim. Needs me more. Hates not speaking. Is tortured when I block him.
Yet he continues doing the thing that hurts me. It would be so easy to stop!
It's like his brain can't relate the two.

What is he doing (in broad terms)? Have you had a conversation around this and that he keeps doing it?

@Billnben Adding random women on Facebook, much younger women, perving over women constantly, liking and commenting on photos. He just can't seem to stop. I've said so many times how disrespectful it is and it hurts.
He thinks because he's obsessed with me and loves me that it doesn't matter that he does that. But to me it cancels out all the good stuff and gives me the ick.

I’m sorry, that’s horrible. Do you think this is linked to his being ND, or is he just being an a hole?

@Billnben He explained he gets tunnel vision and obsessive about things due to his autism and can feel one thing while completely separately feeling another, and not conflate the two. Not see cause and effect. Not see how it upsets me. But it's pushing me away one bit at a time.
And if I left, he would be so distraught and threatened suicide etc, he is so deeply in love with me but then is causing all this. Very confusing

I’m sorry that sounds really hard, and very manipulative on you, even if it is caused by the autism. Perhaps others on here whose partners are similar can advise. My DP gets tunnel vision on things so I know that can be difficult, although thankfully his obsessions are different to your DP. I wonder if something more practical might help e.g. no Facebook?

@Billnben Thanks so much for your replies! He would never leave Facebook. Maybe I need to fully disappear from his life but I think he still wouldn't change, he would just stew in his own heartbreak for the rest of his life. Not seeing that he caused it.

I’m sorry. I don’t feel very qualified to advise, although guessing others on here may have ideas. I’ve only just realised my partner likely has ADHD and possibly ASD so trying to disentangle what’s caused by ND and not, so how best to deal with things is hard. Ultimately though, whether your DP is autistic or not, if you’re not happy you are entitled to leave. And I can see why you’d be very unhappy about this. Depending on which women he is connecting with, e.g. colleagues, he could also make them very uncomfortable and get himself into trouble? If you were thinking of leaving him could you try to get some support for him in place in case he tries anything silly? Not saying it’s your responsibility to do this, but might make you feel less conflicted about leaving?

Does anyone else find their ND partner gets overwhelmed by life, isn’t able to express how they are feeling/address it, and then gets super sulky and grumpy? My DP does this and he’s generally great but struggles with this and it’s so hard to be around as he takes it out on me. He finds apologising hard but will do eventually. Anyone been through this and have any ideas? It’s like he can’t recognise in himself that he’s feeling tired/stressed out or whatever and then take action like e.g. tell me he needs some time out or a rest. I’d be happy to support him if I knew what he needed but I feel like I have to be a mind reader or try to guess when he’s going to get tired/frustrated and suggest to him to do something relaxing. It’s hard as I’m not in his head

@Billnben
All the time. He’s got better of late at recognising it but - being completely honest - I really struggle to understand and rationalise what will tip
him over as it’s so unpredictable. I’m beginning to
wonder whether my approach and his are fundamentally mismatched. Earlier today we were in the car and I was explaining how something he said to his mum had rattled me. I caveated this by saying that I know I’m overly sensitive about it because of past incidents with her (long story but she’s obsessed with class and said some unjustified yet hurtful things about my upbringing and, to his credit, he took her to task). Anyway. It was like we were having two different conversations - I’m meticulous with detail and remember what people say very well but it was like he was only hearing every other word and then got annoyed with me about the bits he’d filled in himself.
It ended with him saying that he was trying but just couldn’t understand why I was upset. And of course then I got annoyed as I’d taken the opportunity to let my guard down and explain how I was feeling hurt (normally I’m too busy managing his emotional response) and it ended in me feeling like I needed to apologise for winding him up!

@TwinklyTornadoBear so
it sounds like he finds it hard to follow anything with “emotional” content-in this case where it was an upsetting conversation?

Yes. When he is anxious or stressed he can only think about himself and this comes out like anger. It’s very hard.

@3luckystars Angry is not good at all, I’m sorry. How do you react? I probably need to get a thicker skin and ignore DP but I’m a sensitive soul and his grumps can go on for hours. Talking to him later today, he (a bit grudgingly) accepts he’s been grumpy and over-reacted. Has finally realised he feels grumpy, sad and tired, but isn’t sure why. I’ve been trying to research this and I think it’s called alexithymia? What I don’t get is why if our DPs don’t understand their emotions they still react to them. I’ve had anxiety and have worked really hard on it so as to feel the fear but not respond. I find it hard to get my head round.

"What I don’t get is why if our DPs don’t understand their emotions they still react to them."
I think it's because people with alexithymia do have emotions, but don't realise why or know how to explain or respond to them. So they (I think we/I) react instinctively, but without any insight into what is driving the response, if that makes any sense? We might sometimes have more insight with hindsight, but in the moment, it's pure instinct.

I just want to cry and cry. I feel DH is completely on a different planet to me. He has absolutely zero empathy. I am an object to him that needs to satisfy his needs. And he does nothing in return to satisfy mine. I'm sick and exhausted of him.
I want to run away but that's easier said than done when we have 3 children, mortgage etc.
I just need a hug, an emotional proper hug. Or someone to say I'm worthy. I work so hard yet I'm undermined constantly and made feel like dirt

@Lakeviewhouse I’m so sorry you’re going through this. At what point did you begin to feel like this? You’ve obviously stated a life with him and settled. Was it always there or did it creep in? I hope you’re ok today. Do you have support from friends or family?

I’m feeling similarly today. My DH and I had three good years including getting married and having our first child. During pregnancy with my second child the mask began to drop. She’s nearly three now so for half our relationship I’ve been unhappy due to what I believe are ASD traits.

@Billnben this happens all the time. It’s like he’s on another planet. I know when he’s stressed, tired or ill because he takes it out on me in quite a passive aggressive way. He just can’t seem to communicate how he’s feeling. It’s caused countless arguments. The strange moods just suck the joy out of family life. He’s ruined many days out with the kids by being like this.

How do your ASD partners deal with illness? I have tonsillitis at the moment. It came on really suddenly. I tried last night to look after myself but ultimately I needed DHs help. I woke him to get me a hot water bottle and medication as I couldn’t find it and had a high temperature. I then sat on the floor in tears. He just loomed over me huffing and checking his watch as he’d planned a run this morning (special interest). There was no comforting or caring for me. Two years ago I had tonsillitis when my daughter was a baby and he behaved similarly. It really affected me how detached he was emotionally while I was so unwell and having to care for a baby. His lack of empathy last night brought on a panic attack. I literally started to hyperventilate. Not because I was ill but because I knew he wouldn’t be supportive. I then explained him looming over me was upsetting and I needed comforting and help with my breathing. He said he didn’t understand what I meant and I needed to just sort myself out and get to bed. I literally had to calm myself down. He offered a few practical solutions but when I asked for a hug he said what use would that do? I’m just at my wits end with it all. Just so disappointed this is my life now. We’ve been together 6 years with two beautiful children. I feel so scared about the future. If I were to get seriously ill I don’t think I’d get anything from him emotionally. Anyone relate to this?

@Dialledin . That's truly awful. I'm sorry. Big hugs.

I can relate, unfortunately. When I developed Long Covid ( 3 whole years down the pan), DH just let me get on with it. He did 'keep' me for a year until I got my state pension, I have to say. Just kept saying ' they haven't done much research yet blah blah blah.'
Now he tells me he was very supportive .
Wtf.

It's not worth moving on at my age. We don't talk much any more ( I'm the emotional talkative one. I get upset more easily). There's no incentive. It's like talking to myself anyway most of the time. He probably thinks we're great ! Ps I was bought up to put up with a lot of crap, so my blinkers were well and truly cemented on.

You must be quite a bit younger. It truly is the death by a thousand paper cuts.
Start reading, get the therapy. Think about the future

@Dialledin I’m chronically ill and somehow practically dependent on dh.
How does he deal with illness! Very badly.
What you described about being angry, not getting he needs to help, annoyed his routine is disturbed etc…. All of that.
It took dh years to stop being annoyed at me being ill and to acknowledged I am truly, severely ill (rather than being lazy).

I have no answer. Just know that I simply can’t rely on him. The few times he is caring (as in a cup of tea or looking concerned, not a hug!!) are a bonus